Talked to my husband

ICanDoBetter · 02-14-2016, 07:17 AM

We were driving somewhere and I sometimes get motion issues. I commented that I had a headache and he jokingly said, " drink too much?" I simply said, " yeah, too much iced tea."

A few minutes later I asked if he had noticed that I didn't drink last night. He simply said yes. I asked if that surprised him and I honk he said yes ... Then asked if I'm trying to "turn over a new leaf". I told him that I am and he said, "that's good - I was starting to think we were going to need to have an intervention."

My first internal reaction was to be miffed. His means of being supportive isn't what I need. Typically when I've finally worked up the nerve to verbalized that I recognize the need to change, his response is to remind me if I reach for a drink what I said, and then he cracks a joke or simply gives up. I get that that's who he is and his family's way... But I also get that it isn't what I need

So instead of getting upset, I took a deep breath and explained to him how the support he gives isn't helpful to me. I explained that I'm trying, that I have a recovered friend whom I'm talking wig and also about his forum. He inquired a little about what I meant about his support but he wasn't upset.

It was a good dialogue and hopefully will result in more.

Soberwolf · 02-14-2016, 07:20 AM

Bellamiaa · 02-14-2016, 07:29 AM

My husband is the same way. His reaction was always like "yeah okay, here we go again". He never took me seriously when I wouldn't drink for a night or five then ask for a reaction from him. I finally realized that I'm doing this for me, not him. I quit and didn't say anything. I let my days sober and changed lifestyle do the talking. I'm now coming up on 7 months and am proud of myself and feel amazing!
Congrats on day five!!

red3215 · 02-14-2016, 07:59 AM

A lot of people react that way, I've noticed. I forgive them because it takes one to know one and if they don't have a serious alcohol addiction, they'll never really understand. It's a life or death issue for us really, but for regular drinkers, drinking is culturally kind of a funny thing to make jokes about.
Good you handled it well with him.

Thumpalumpacus · 02-14-2016, 08:13 AM

Promised support is often not delivered in the form we need. Our loved ones don't necessarily know what we need and how it should be done.

ICanDoBetter · 02-14-2016, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thumpalumpacus

Promised support is often not delivered in the form we need. Our loved ones don't necessarily know what we need and how it should be done.

That's what I'm realizing this time around and am thankful for a friend who gets it and is willing to have a dialogue with me in addition to the support here. I need to find the way over time to also be able to have some kind of dialogue with my husband on this front.

silentrun · 02-14-2016, 08:31 AM

I didn't mention anything to my husband until I had 2 weeks clean. That is exactly how I started the conversation; have you noticed I haven't been drinking? He has been at a total lose to try and support me. He either minimizes it or says something completely out of line. He doesn't have this problem so he doesn't understand. I don't expect him to. It is one of his least favorite topics so I lean on SR when I want to be understood.

Dad23 · 02-14-2016, 08:35 AM

For more than 10 years I practically drank myself to death in front of my family. My wife (who is a licensed clinical therapist) barely said a word.

She knew I was struggling badly. She knew that I was "circling the drain" - but yet she said nothing.

She also knew that the only person who was going to change me - was me.

If there was an outside switch or fuse - she would have helped me - but she knew that battling addiction is an inside job....and I am the most headstrong SOB on the planet (with or without alcohol).

Well, I found the switch and I'm almost 12 weeks sober now. There is no looking back.

It looks like you have found your "switch" too! Congratulations!

It would be nice if our family and friends were perfectly supportive - but they will rarely understand what we are going through. Sometimes the best they can do is to not aggravate us and get in the way of our recovery.

Hope this helps.

Dropsie · 02-14-2016, 08:41 AM

Its good for you that you raised it, and that you did not let the response create a reaction.

Dialogue is always good, even when not perfect.

***least*** · 02-14-2016, 08:55 AM

It's good that you can talk to him about it. I hope he becomes more supportive.

HollyWouldnt · 02-14-2016, 09:08 AM

I got a little of that from my non-drinking husband.
It occurred to me that we can't expect our families to warm up to us, the person who caused them so much concern, in the way we want or on the time line we want.

The thing is, we can only change ourselves.
Holly.🎋

***Anna*** · 02-14-2016, 09:22 AM

As others have said, it's hard for people who are not alcoholics to understand what we are going through and how to help. That's why SR can play an important part in your recovery because we do get it.

jessie65 · 02-14-2016, 09:26 AM

It's good that you can talk about it with your husband.

I hit 10 weeks sober yesterday and a couple days ago I finally got up the nerve to mention my struggle to my husband (he is very hard to talk to about this because he just doesn't understand it).
Anyway, I brought it up, about how I'm struggling and I need support and understanding, and well, he answered his phone in the middle of my emotional plea...
So much for that, I won't bring it up again.
Thank-god for this board.

ICanDoBetter · 02-15-2016, 06:14 AM

Last evening while meditating I had a realization regarding how I could get my husband to empathize a bit with where I am. He has attempted to quit tobacco several times and uses nicotine gum. I explained that angst and frustrations I physically am feeling when I get short tempered are likely very similar to how he feels when he attempts to quit - except there is no gum for what I am going through. I think he got it. I explained I'm on day 6 and that I'm trying really hard and need him to be patient
with me. I explained that I am hoping to work brief meditation into my routine to find balance.

His response was to reach his arms out to give me a hug and say "I've been patient with you for 20 years." No picking or smart Alec comment ... Just love and support.

I'm a lucky woman :-)