wpainterw

Far be it from me that I should ever "ask for a signed receipt". I am merely saying how I feel. Sometimes it helps to do that....I don't want pats on the back, congratulations, admiration. If you want to read my posts they are there and quite boring since many of them are repetitive. I think I may have run out of gas, run out of stuff to say. Nothing worse than an old geezer repeating himself endlessly. Might even drive some to drink!
It's a bright sunny day here. Just enough snow, bare trees against a clear blue sky. A wonderful dog to pet. I'll settle for that now.

W.

Soberwolf

I always read your posts Painter if there's anything I can help with listening etc chats just pm me anytime if you want my friend

aasharon90

I have to remind myself that it's not
my choice to die or leave this world
today. It's not up to me to say when
my time is up. Only the Man upstairs
has that control and is in charge of my
life.

Until then, each day I continue to live my
life as He would want me to live incorporating
a program of recovery taught to me 25 yrs ago
in all my affairs to the best of my human ability.

My husband is 11 yrs older than I and we will
celebrate 7 yrs marriage tomorrow on Valentine's
Day. Im a 58 baby and absolutely love the time
I ve been living my life in. So many changes thru
out the yrs as I continue to grow and mature.

Living my life in recovery has been a blessing
for me for without it I would surely have died
yrs ago. Recovery life and sobriety has allowed
me to appreciate so much in this life and to be
grateful for all that has been given to me.

I often think about as I get older that If I
was called to leave this world today, did
I do everything I needed to do or should
have done to the best of my sober ability.

Did I pass on my ESH to others who
are still struggling with addiction and
needed help? Was I kind, caring, considerate.
Was I faithful? How many Commandments
did I break? How many did I ask for forgiveness
and so on.

My husband just went thru triple heart
bypass several weeks ago and is on the
mend. We had plans to ride our Harley
to Daytona Bike week this coming March
but it has now been postphoned.

Sure we will miss it this year, but what is
more important? Health. Taking care of
this bypass now was done to prevent a heart
attack from happening on the road to Daytona.

We all go thru life and health changes and
the older we get and try to use all that is
available to us to live as healthy and happy
as we possibly can.

Sure, the older we get, the harder it
is to stay strong in all areas of our life.
However, I have many folks who inspire
me to stay strong, positive, honest, caring,
each day Im sober.

Its not being selfish in giving everything
I have mentally, physically, spiritually
that keeps me alive today and if God willing,
for yrs to come.

Meraviglioso

You have so much to add to this community, as other have mentioned, you have a nice balance of sympathy and setting one straight. Each of us has our own "style" of approaching a topic or thread but you really do strike a nice balance of being firm yet sympathetic. I know you are not looking for compliments or pats on the back, but we all want to tell you what a value you add to this community.
I am sorry about your wife, but I also agree that it may be that she is fearful of dealing with the intensity of treatment at her age. I know you want her around as long as humanly possible but she also has a right, at this age, to decide when she is tired of fighting and to decide to live out the rest of her days as she sees fit.
I can imagine that is painful and difficult for you to deal with. I hope to share a love like that one day, when our greatest fear is who will go first. But as you are well aware, death does come to all of us and at some point one half of the couple must go on without the other half.
I have recently deleted my Facebook account, but I used to follow the page "Humans of New York" religiously. Fortunately he blogs all of his posts so I can still follow. This is one I thought you might like:
Humans of New York

Carlotta

William

I can tell you that I personally love your posts and always look forward to your insights and your wisdom. I do not consider you irrelevant or redundant at all, on the contrary not only reading your words help me but it also gives me hope that I too can achieve decades of good sobriety and live to a ripe sober and lucid old age sober
Sending healing and positive thoughts your and your wife's way and keep coming back... because we need you **{hugs}}}

MIRecovery

God grants us life on his terms not ours. There is no guarantee that any of us will be here tomorrow. One day my daughter was no longer here and that gave me a whole new perspective on life.

I try to make every day as good as possible. I spend time with those I love, help others were I can, and work on making myself just a little better each day.

The future will bring whatever the future brings but the future is not today

beeme

Post if it serves you. If it serves you, it will serve us.

We are all connected. I am you and you are me.

Glad to be under the same blue sky with you today. There is no one who is breathing who is irrelevant.

I wish I had an "old geezer" in my life. My father died at 85 and I miss him terribly. I never knew my grandfathers. We don't revere the wisdom that comes with age in our society. I bow to you and your 89 years on this planet.

Obladi

I love Fly n Buy's suggestion that you start your own journal-type thread. I've got one of those myself and it's a way to help me to focus on my own wellbeing every single day - something I have tended not to do in the past. So I think it might be helpful to you and I quite selfishly think that it could be helpful to me as well.

wpainterw

aaSharon90: Thanks for an inspiring message. I had a quadruple bypass open heart surgery back in 1997 and they tell me the bypasses have held up well. Also had a "noninvasive" aortic valve replacement two years ago and that is in fine shape too. I take lots of heart pills but exercise is important too and I've got to work on that since I'm lazy. Carpe diem ("Cherish the Day!")

wpainterw

Thanks Beeme and Obladi

W.

least

I also enjoy reading your thoughts and insights. I'm glad you're here.

Mia83

What a lovely post- sorry to hear about your wife. Just wanted to say you are not irrelevant at all and could teach us all a lot I should imagine. You are inspiring

aasharon90

Im not sure what your weather is like up
there today. Is it cold? Snowy?

Because we live here in Baton Rouge, we
have had a milder Winter this year. Cooler
at night but warms up during the day nicely.

My husband and I love sitting outside under
our garage which opens up to our backyard
and garage door to the driveway. So we keep
the door close and have all the backyard open
and we are out of the rain and cold wind.

We love our backyard where we have birdfeeders
full hanging high and several under a barbque
covered gazebo. I saw this one at Walmart and
wanted it as added shade for Hibiscus so they
wouldnt die if we had really cold icy weather.

Anyway, I hung some feeders filled with those
white seeds that the Cardinals love. Since I love
red and its the best uplifting color around, just
about everything in my yard and house is red.

The majority of my flowers are a deep red color
that are beginning to pop out due to the warmer
weather we are beginning to have down here.

We sit in our comfy chairs, my husband a rocking
glider and me a red leather recliner to put my feet
up and a table next to it with our radio on it.

Just because we both are retired now, we
do find things to do thru out the day. No
schedule, just regular routine of getting up
at 5 each morning to the wonderful smell
of fresh brewed coffee, some music and weather
channel before heading for a few groceries.

Since my husband isn't allowed to drive right
now, ive picked up that task like as if im taking
drivers ED for the first time. lol I don't drive
much myself unless it is absolutely necessary
which is not often.

Anyway, once my husband is able to move
a little more and has seen the dr.. next week
or so, he will begin doing those little things
around the house that was put off for yrs
while working.

Just because we get older and our house
get older too, we should give ourselves
a good check up by the doctors and refresh
things around the home.

Even for our sobriety. Maintenance just
keeps things running smoothly and looking
nice yet simple.

sobriety26

What ariesagain said,being sober 28 years"wow" you are an inspiration,can't what until the day I can repeat them words,mr.you are awesome,I wish you can feel the love and understanding everyone is posting,good luck,may the sky stay blue for you even in the darkest nights!!

SoberLeigh

I am so sorry that you are not feeling well, W.

I am sure that I am one of many here who are excited to see a post from you. You always impart wisdom and inspiration infused with the years of sobriety and experience that you share with us.

You are an invaluable and relevant friend to us.

I hope that there is brightness and goodness ahead for you.

soberclover

I'm inspired by you ((hugs))

Thumpalumpacus

Painter, you've got quite a bit going on, it's only natural that your moods will rise and fall. Be well, be there for your wife, and enjoy each day, brotha.

wpainterw

"A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.
Therefore, on every morrow, are we wreathing
A flowery band to bind us to the earth,
Spite of despondence, of the inhuman dearth
Of noble natures, of the gloomy days,
Of all the unhealthy and o'er-darkened ways
Made for our searching: yes, in spite of all,
Some shape of beauty moves away the pall
From our dark spirits. Such the sun, the moon,
Trees old and young, sprouting a shady boon
For simple sheep; and such are daffodils
With the green world they live in; and clear rills
That for themselves a cooling covert make
'Gainst the hot season; the mid forest brake,
Rich with a sprinkling of fair musk-rose blooms:
And such too is the grandeur of the dooms
We have imagined for the mighty dead;
All lovely tales that we have heard or read:
An endless fountain of immortal drink,
Pouring unto us from the heaven's brink."

John Keats. The Opening Stanzas of his lengthy poem, "Endymion".

Dee74

I was away yesterday Bill, but rest assured I value your contributions.
As Anna said we all have something to offer

I'm sorry for whats going on in your life but you always have a seat here as far as I am concerned
D

MythOfSisyphus

I greatly value your contributions, wpainterw. Anyone that can take the Beast by the throat and stay sober for almost 30 years is someone I will listen to. And I can't imagine anyone not valuing so much life experience. We are all vessels, filled drop by drop over the years of our lives. I'm not sure we can ever be completely filled, there's always room for a few more cups of wisdom. But when we pass all that wisdom can pour out and soak into the ground, lost. It's great to pass your cup around while you're able, while you're still filled to the brim.

I'm quite a bit younger than you are at 46 but sometimes I catch myself feeling a bit like your wife does. I think to myself maybe I should buy a new house but then I think I'll probably only live another 20 years at best, why bother? Of course, 2 years or 50 more it's all the same- a lifetime. My lifetime.

The Universe is around 13.8 billion years old, give or take. Scientists say the sun has another billion, billion-and-a-half left as a friendly star before it begins to swell into a red giant, incinerating the Earth. The smallest stars, the red dwarf stars, are light enough that the hydrogen inside them forms convection currents which keep fusion going on at an even rate. Those stars can burn for several trillion years! Think, even though they're billions of years old they're basically still infants! Yet one day, even those stars will die. In an unfathomable yet still inevitable span of octillions of years even the last black holes will have dissipated, evaporating through Hawking radiation. And maybe in the octillion years to follow protons themselves will decay and the universe will be completely dormant.

Forgive me, for I'm the one repeating myself now. I return to this theme occasionally in my posts for a reason. In all the wide Universe we're the only thing we know to be sentient. And as small as we are compared to the wider Universe we are possibly unique in it. Our ability to simply draw in our breath and marvel at it all is a gift that may be our alone. Even in my darkest times, on my worst days, I still cherish that ability to process experience. To smell, to feel the tacky plastic of my keyboard, to taste the effervescent fizz of the flavored club soda that had become my replacement for wine- all these things still manage to spark a little bit of wonder in me. I am willing to do anything- within reason and the bounds of decency- keep living on for another day. I have untold octillions of years to be dead and only this short span of years to be alive! I want to cherish this time while I can.

So there you sit, 89 years old. Old for a human yet still a speck in the eyeblink of just our little corner of the cosmos. As you say, carpe diem! If you a year left or ten you are still breathing the same air and sharing this unique experience of life with all of us.

I can certainly empathize with your wife. I have a few aches and ailments collected in my four odd decades of life. It will probably slow me down more and become a source of frustration as I get older, especially if I let my current lifestyle continue (I work as a chef, too many hours on my feet, I work too much and eat too much that I shouldn't). But I think you're 100% right, her grandchildren will value having her around a lot more than any money they might inherit down the road. I hope you'll indulge one more rambling story from me!

When I was a kid I had a great aunt. She had been very old for as long as I had been alive. She was nearly blind and had lost a leg but even at 93 her mind was sharp as a tack. We didn't get to see her often but we always want to visit at the holidays. She had been born in the latter part of the 1800's and had seen so much. She was in her early teens when the Wright's flew at Kitty Hawk! And she lived to see men on the moon. As a child I couldn't get enough of her stories of "the good old days". Even as a child I had a sense of how much her vessel held and I felt a sense of responsibility to drink in what I could, lest everything she had seen be lost to time.

I do ramble on! Let me just say that if you repeat yourself it's the pattern of the Universe recurring again and again. You're a rock for many of us in early recovery. Now at about 3.5 years sober I still feel like a newcomer and perhaps I always will.