Still sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 16
Still sober
I posted a bit ago, still sober.
Today has been rough and things aren't getting any better with my wife. It seems like all the effort i'm making isn't helping even though i'm doing all the right things.
I know alot of people say "it takes time" i understand that, i'm very aware but my heart won't listen. I'm breaking, Not to drink or tempted. i literally don't want to drink nor have the urge. I just want my wife and my life back. I'm so sick of being alone, i can't eat or sleep i can't focus at work.
I get my daughter sunday and it'll be a wonderful day, but i'm missing the other piece of the puzzle and i just can't believe this is happening.
Today has been rough and things aren't getting any better with my wife. It seems like all the effort i'm making isn't helping even though i'm doing all the right things.
I know alot of people say "it takes time" i understand that, i'm very aware but my heart won't listen. I'm breaking, Not to drink or tempted. i literally don't want to drink nor have the urge. I just want my wife and my life back. I'm so sick of being alone, i can't eat or sleep i can't focus at work.
I get my daughter sunday and it'll be a wonderful day, but i'm missing the other piece of the puzzle and i just can't believe this is happening.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
I'm sorry infraed. I know you would like things to be different but that may only come with time. Just keep sobriety at the forefront & take it at a day at a time, that is all you can & need to do.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry too infrared - one of the hardest things I had to learn was that other peoples forgiveness and regaining of trust in me happened on their timetable not mine.
Try not to push it no matter what fear, or your heart, dictates.
D
Try not to push it no matter what fear, or your heart, dictates.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Man, I feel for ya'. I have so been there. But you really have to live your life. We can't control others, only our own attitudes, beliefs and actions. Go to a meeting or find a way to work on your recovery. Try to find a way to be grateful for what you do have, like being able to see your daughter. Gratitude helps us in many ways.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi - sorry that you're feeling low at the moment.
Just a few suggestions (based on my own experiences) seeing as you mentioned before that you're going to AA...
Serenity prayer (Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference)
Resentment prayer (God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of, So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself. Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X. I pray that X will receive everything they need. Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment.)
Get to a meeting - get there early and stay a little later so that you can help set up and clear up. Make the coffee. Ask others 'how are you?' Listen for the similarities, not the differences. You might be surprised at how powerful this change of focus (from inward to outward looking) can be. I was.
Call others from the fellowship: If you've been given numbers from others men a the meetings, pick up the phone and find someone who can chat right now, or text and ask when might be a good time to call.
Post on here (like you did already - hopefully there'll be lots of responses soon)
AA speaker recordings. If I can't get to a meeting right when I could do with it, I listen to a speaker recording. I use you tube or this site, but I'm sure there are other sources if you want to ge=ive them a go... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
Reading: BB (maybe p.151 - 164 'A Vision for You') / 12 and 12 / Living Sober
Big Book online: Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
12 & 12 online: Alcoholics Anonymous : Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
Living Sober: Alcoholics Anonymous : Living Sober
Mindful meditation: Getting our heads out of the past and future and into the here and now (which is all we can change anyway) can be really helpful to us when we need to stop a barrage of thoughts and the emotions that come with them.
Sometimes we feel like we're being kind to ourselves when we give in to a little bit of self pity, but for many of us, self-pity is a seemingly safe stream that, when we dip our toes in, has a deadly undercurrent that can snatch us in and under in barely any time at all. If I notice myself starting to entertain any self-pitying thoughts I know I need to pull myself back from those pretty sharpish. Often this starts with me asking myself, "Honestly BB. Do you WANT to be happy right now?" Sometimes I've got there in time and the answer is 'yes' and I can go ahead and use some of the tools that I know can offer me some peace. If the honest answer (which it can be at times) is "NO!!! I DON'T want to be ****ing happy. Life's not fair" then I know I need to work even harder and use as many of them as I can, and pretty quick - hopefully after laughing at my own insane head a little first.
"You are saying to yourself: "I'm jittery and alone. I couldn't do that." But you can. You forget that you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself. To duplicate, with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience, and labor." (BB p. 163)
The recovery program of AA does work. But is doesn't work overnight (neither did you get into this situation overnight). Us alcoholics are pretty good at crying for the moon, but it doesn't get us anywhere but deeper in the mire. If you can find the willingness to do the work then you can change your outlook so that this won't all be so painful.
Those promises DO come true - if we work for them.
'If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.' BB
Wishing you all the best in your recovery.
Just a few suggestions (based on my own experiences) seeing as you mentioned before that you're going to AA...
Serenity prayer (Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference)
Resentment prayer (God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of, So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself. Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X. I pray that X will receive everything they need. Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment.)
Get to a meeting - get there early and stay a little later so that you can help set up and clear up. Make the coffee. Ask others 'how are you?' Listen for the similarities, not the differences. You might be surprised at how powerful this change of focus (from inward to outward looking) can be. I was.
Call others from the fellowship: If you've been given numbers from others men a the meetings, pick up the phone and find someone who can chat right now, or text and ask when might be a good time to call.
Post on here (like you did already - hopefully there'll be lots of responses soon)
AA speaker recordings. If I can't get to a meeting right when I could do with it, I listen to a speaker recording. I use you tube or this site, but I'm sure there are other sources if you want to ge=ive them a go... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
Reading: BB (maybe p.151 - 164 'A Vision for You') / 12 and 12 / Living Sober
Big Book online: Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
12 & 12 online: Alcoholics Anonymous : Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
Living Sober: Alcoholics Anonymous : Living Sober
Mindful meditation: Getting our heads out of the past and future and into the here and now (which is all we can change anyway) can be really helpful to us when we need to stop a barrage of thoughts and the emotions that come with them.
Sometimes we feel like we're being kind to ourselves when we give in to a little bit of self pity, but for many of us, self-pity is a seemingly safe stream that, when we dip our toes in, has a deadly undercurrent that can snatch us in and under in barely any time at all. If I notice myself starting to entertain any self-pitying thoughts I know I need to pull myself back from those pretty sharpish. Often this starts with me asking myself, "Honestly BB. Do you WANT to be happy right now?" Sometimes I've got there in time and the answer is 'yes' and I can go ahead and use some of the tools that I know can offer me some peace. If the honest answer (which it can be at times) is "NO!!! I DON'T want to be ****ing happy. Life's not fair" then I know I need to work even harder and use as many of them as I can, and pretty quick - hopefully after laughing at my own insane head a little first.
"You are saying to yourself: "I'm jittery and alone. I couldn't do that." But you can. You forget that you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself. To duplicate, with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience, and labor." (BB p. 163)
The recovery program of AA does work. But is doesn't work overnight (neither did you get into this situation overnight). Us alcoholics are pretty good at crying for the moon, but it doesn't get us anywhere but deeper in the mire. If you can find the willingness to do the work then you can change your outlook so that this won't all be so painful.
Those promises DO come true - if we work for them.
'If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.' BB
Wishing you all the best in your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Acceptance... of what IS.
Even if you get your wife back, you won't 'get her back'.
Nothing comes 'back'..... there will only be the new.
If you focus on being the best YOU can be, care for your recovery, do the next right thing.... then your life will unfold for the best... you will move in the direction of your highest good. Place your faith in that, practice acceptance of what is, work on yourself, and all will be well.
Even if you get your wife back, you won't 'get her back'.
Nothing comes 'back'..... there will only be the new.
If you focus on being the best YOU can be, care for your recovery, do the next right thing.... then your life will unfold for the best... you will move in the direction of your highest good. Place your faith in that, practice acceptance of what is, work on yourself, and all will be well.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
We can't make others change the way they think or feel. What we can do is change our actions and how we act towards others without expectation. The results are not up to use, but likely much better if we continue making positive changes. We can't place conditions on ourselves, especially about sobriety that are in any way dependent on others.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Infrared,
I am sorry you are feeling down today. Great advice above. Try to focus on the things you can control, like seeing your daughter on Sunday. Spend some time planning what you will do with her (games, park, favorite movie, cook her favorite meal)
I hope you enjoy every minute you spend with her!
❤️Delilah
I am sorry you are feeling down today. Great advice above. Try to focus on the things you can control, like seeing your daughter on Sunday. Spend some time planning what you will do with her (games, park, favorite movie, cook her favorite meal)
I hope you enjoy every minute you spend with her!
❤️Delilah
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 378
Infrared - I've been in your shoes. I know how it sucks. Sending positive thoughts your way - things are gonna get better for you.
Beccybean - this post should be a sticky for anybody in the program. Thank you so much for being a part of this community and you are an example of walking the walk. Thank you.
Beccybean - this post should be a sticky for anybody in the program. Thank you so much for being a part of this community and you are an example of walking the walk. Thank you.
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