Para

Hello everyone,

It's so interesting, because I came onto the sober recovery website to pose a question in regards to dating while in early recovery...and lo and behold...the home page loads to this Dating in Early Recovery: 3 Must Dos

I don't know if the angels were working here or not. But surely this cannot be a coincidence.

I have been seeing a wonderful man since August 2015....I did have a slip in December...and then I got back on track for the new year.
My sister says that I need to be sober for at least a year before I even thing of continuing on or starting a relationship.
A few ppl I have talked to in AA have said that a year of sobriety is best, or speak to your sponsor and have her opinion as well as your home groups.

My boyfriend has been very supportive, and I love him very much, but I also don't want to give up a good relationship. God know..i've damaged so many when I was drinking.

I was just wondering - how did you guys do it? First year+ of sobriety...did you date, break up with a current love, or stay single....

If you could share your experiences and what worked that would be great!

Thanks,
Para

eyeshake

I've relapsed several times in the past few years. I can attribute each and every one to dating/relationship problems.

I've elected to not date for the immediate future because I need to focus on myself first. It's not fair to someone else to be emotional unavailable, and I've found that I've treated sex much like a drug...a means of escape.

Once I've spent some more time recovering, I'll be that much more present when it's time to get back into it.

I know plenty of people who got into relationships in early sobriety and seem to be doing just fine. Depends on the person, I suppose.

Zebra1275

I've been married to my wife for 30 years so my dating experience is, ah, dated(!).

I also go to AA, but I'm not hard core. One of the thing's I've heard in AA is "take what you need and leave the rest." I don't agree with waiting a year to date. If you are in a positive relationship, and it sounds like you are if your boyfriend supports your recovery efforts, then it may be beneficial to date.

One of the problems that many alcoholics develop when they are drinking is isolation. Coupled with loneliness, since you no longer hang around with your best friends, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam, that doesn't sound like a very fun year, and possibly a recipe for relapse.

I'm in charge of my recovery. I often seek guidance from my fellow AA members, and I read a lot on here. However, I'm not going to deny myself a relationship for a year based on someone else's arbitrary time frame.

Anna

I was married and fortunately, stayed married. But, boy did my relationship shift and change a LOT in the early days. My perspective changed, then changed again and again. My relationship was threatened by my drinking, but not by my recovery. I don't use AA, but I think relationships are part of life and one of the most important things we need to deal with in early recovery. While I can see that starting up a new relationship could be full of pitfalls, stopping a relationship that you're in shouldn't be necessary unless the relationship is toxic. That's just my opinion.

ALinNS

New relationship my opinion is wait at least a year, in a relationship or marriage work it out and move on as long as that person is supportive and you are in love with each other. It's what I did, I had met a lady in June of last year, relapsed in November for 6 weeks, she never knew I had a problem, she left me until January 31st, I told her everything about my drinking past, she is a Dr and understood somewhat, anyhow we are back together and just bought a house two weeks ago on the ocean, we are deeply in love and she understands and has no issue with me being on here, at AA, with a recovering friend or whatever, we have an excellent relationship.

Andrew

Dee74

I agree with Anna. I don't think the one year suggestion is meant to break up existing couples - unless you felt your relationship neghatively impacts your recovery

D

Para

Thank you all for the comments

From the experiences i've heard in AA and these forums, I see it's possible to have a long term romantic relationship in sobriety. Yes-there is a lot of work involved too.

Upward2Enlightenment

I believe that the thinking is that a new relationship can be stressful, you are trying to discover the true you. Many people can relapse because of this.
I wouldn't throw away a good relationship unless it is causing harm to one or both of you.

Upward2Enlightenment

Let me also say that the right person can really help your recovery, the question is are you good for them.

sugarbear1

I was seeing someone when I got sober. Right before the 30 day mark of my sobriety, I had to let him go because I realized it was a toxic relationship. It was not healthy for either one of us and I really didn't know me.

I started dating again when I was not yet 3 years into recovery. I knew me better at that point. I really liked this one guy, but when he didn't call one day, my mind went ballistic on me, the emotions were overwhelming, and I was a crazy lady! He and I are good friends today, but those emotions made me realize that if I had been in early recovery, I really could have damaged my sobriety then. What an emotional baby I was!!

I ended up dating another person and we are still together to this day (2 years later).

Everyone is different. I know of couples who got together in early recovery and who are still together over 25 years later.

I suggest keeping an eye on yourself and making your own decision regarding your dating situation.

Everyone is different. Getting sober is the first major decision you will make in the first year of recovery.

I wish you well!! Keep moving forward in recovery, you CAN do this!!!!!

Venecia

I don't think anyone would recommend ending an existing relationship in early recovery.

But this is a recurring theme here on SR, one to which I'll had my .02:

- Recovery is hard work. Relationships are hard work. I don't know many, though there is the rare exception, that can commit what's needed to both to make it work early on.
- The subtext that comes through loud and clear in some posts about this topic is "this will fix me" and "rescue me." We have to fix ourselves. Putting that on someone else's shoulders isn't fair.
- A question to ask ourselves in early recovery if considering a relationship: "Am I good boy/girlfriend material?"

This isn't in direct response to you, Para, but as I said, the question arises fairly often and the veterans of recovery always suggest the one-year rule.

There's good reason for that.

StartingOverNW

This is a similar experience to mine with respect to relapsing due to relationship issues. I had 9 months sober about a year and a half ago and started seeing someone, then relapsed at 11 months and managed to get close to 3 months before slipping again, and then relapsed for good 3 months later.

I then descended back into use, and a year later I'm still trying to get sober again. Her and my relationship completely fell apart and we haven't spoken in 4 months (and at this point I don't want to start it up again, but have a lot of guilt about causing her pain over me not being able to get sober again).

So I guess based on my own experiences and what I've seen in others the general guideline of not dating for the first 1-2 years makes sense, but I also agree that it really depends on where the individual person is at emotionally.

I also agree that this guideline applies to new relationships but since you're already in a relationship it doesn't really seem to apply