Nowsthetime

Hello all: last night my family and I went to our friend's house. I brought my sparkling probiotic drink, my husband brought bourbon and ingredients to make manhattans. When we got there they asked ME to mix them. I used to be a bartender and they all love how I mix the drinks. I gave him a look but did it. I knew I wasn't going to drink but it kind of made me pissy... I asked them how they were and he goes "you can try it" and I'm thinking " NO I CAN'T!!!". It's not the first time I have posted about it because during the holidays he asked me to do the same thing and I posted about it. When we got home after putting my daughter to bed I approached him and told him it was not nice for him to ask his "alcoholic wife" (I used those words) to make his drinks, that it made me uncomfortable and that it could make me want to drink. He got defensive and said "so now my wife can't do that for me"... I just let it go. He had had 4 bourbon drinks so I thought it would be best to let it go.

How can I address this in a positive matter. He IS getting better at supporting me but it's still not enough. He still doesn't get it and still doesn't get that I am an alcoholic. I also don't want to make a scene. All my friends love how I cook and mix drinks and they sort of expect it. They all know I quit drinking and are supportive (specially this couple, the husband told me he was very proud and the wife told me I have inspired her to slow down) but I don't think they get the harm in asking me to mix their drinks. I feel strong and I feel I can do it, but I am afraid that's my AV...

How can I approach this? What should I do? I didn't drink and didn't feel like it but I jus don't want to fall in that danger zone.

Another thing that I would like to mention is that yesterday I commented on a post and the response to my post got me really angry. I decided got throw my hands up and just step back but it still bothered me a lot. Why? Why would a response from a stranger get me so fired up? I'm not as annoyed today but I'm confused as to why it would get to me so much. I'm not a sensitive person... I'm starting to really care about people here, it's been almost 2 years since I started reading here, maybe that's why.

What do you guys think? How do I handle this and how do I learn to let go?

Delilah1

Truthfully, I would just say sorry, I can't help with mixing the drinks, but I am happy to help with dinner or setting up. I would also make the conversation with my husband one that says "I will not be mixing drinks in the future." Also, on answer to his question of "So now my wife can't mix my drinks." Just answer, no I can't.

I'm sure it is difficult because you are used to being kind and just doing things for other, but you need to come first.

Just my thoughts.

SoberinSyracuse

I hear it's pretty common for us to have to learn how to say "No." I think this is more about saying "No" than it is about mixing drinks. People want you to do something you don't want to do. So, you need to tell them, "No thanks, I'd rather not."

Maybe for the next gathering, even let them know in advance? "Just so you know, I won't be making the drinks tonight."

I think the same applies to hubby. "Sorry, hon, I'm not bartending tonight."

I know it sounds weird but if you think about it, healthy/assertive people do this all the time! It's actually quite normal to say "No."

Bird615

Once I got sober, the fog cleared and I started to see things in my life that I had just let slide and not dealt with when drinking. One of them was learning how to stand up for myself and to decide what I did and didn't want to allow in my life. There's nothing wrong with me saying no and I don't even have to offer an explanation. Easier said than done, but when I can do it, it's so freeing.

When I get really angry or upset at something, I'm learning to look at myself and figure out just what buttons got pushed in me. One thing I've learned in my recovery program is that whenever I'm upset, there's something wrong with me. It could be a judgement I'm making, or I'm refusing to accept what is--something I can't change, or there's some truth in a statement that I don't want to acknowledge....

It takes some insight and exploration, but I've found that idea to be pretty true for me. When I'm upset, I try to look at why.

It's really good you're expressing your problems and frustrations on here. When things used to get to be too much for me, drinking was my solution. In sobriety I had to find another way and letting it out in a safe manner to people who "get it" helps a lot.

thomas11

First, congratulations on sticking with your sobriety. I see two options. One, simply say "no" at the risk of sounding like a "b-word". Or teach him how you make them, and then he can do it next time. I don't know, just a thought.

fini

i'd just say "ah, no, i can't do that today" with a smile.
repeat as necessary, without anything added. be pleasant.

any scene that may result would be by someone else.

no need to explain. perfectly fine to put your sobriety and safety first. especially without a fuss

EndGameNYC

When I first got sober, my sponsor told me, "None of us knows how to say "no," so we say and do all kinds of things that we don't want to. Once we learn how (in sobriety), we never stop."

Notimetoloose

I agree, no is a great word...the first few times can be difficult and hang around your uncomfortable feeling zone for a while but after that it gets easier and easier till it just rolls off the tongue. : )

Dee74

I think being honest is the best way to go, even if your husbands reaction was not what you wanted to hear.

Do whats best for you - if he loves you, he'll come around

D

HollyWouldnt

Your story is an example of my theory that most of us addicts are also codependent.
So hard to stop people pleasing.

Holly.🎋

tursiops999

I agree with others, setting limits on what you'll do is a good choice. I allow wine in my home when we have guests, but I always ask my husband or a guest to open and serve it.

Berrybean

Yep - I found it a lot easier to be assertive in forming and sticking to my personal boundaries once I'd learnt a bit about my co-dependency. There are lots of great books out there. I found CoDa meetings and the CoDa handbook really informative.

When I find myself letting what other people thing / say / do getting to me (or getting fearful about what they might think / say / do) I use this 'Anyway' prayer/ meditation to get me refocussed on MY side of the street (which is all that I have control over after all)...

God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.

FreeOwl

'Yes.... I used to be a bartender, but Im not anymore. I used to be a lot of things. One of them was drunk. Im not those things anymore. Please don't ask me to make you or anyone else alcoholic drinks. I really value your support in this.'

Honesty.

Honor of your own truth.

That's the only way.

FreeOwl

As for letting go.....

For me, when I am finding myself upset over things outside my control I try to look at the state of my recovery and my own peace. Its often a sign I need to tend to my inner state through exercise, self time, therapy, an AA meeting, or reminding myself if gratitude, forgiveness, acceptance....

Fly N Buy

Our spouses may or may not ever get it. Yesterday a huge box of chocolates made it's way into our home - a gift for a deserving teacher. I commented that having it around was way too tempting for me as I'd eat several at once. My wife said there was nothing wrong with occasionally having a piece of dark chocolate. Sound familiar??

Alas, some are simply not addicts. I can theorize as to why or why not for many words and post. Ultimately it's my issue in our home and not hers. She may accommodate her thinking or try to understand but this can come across as pity which is more demoralizing for me than just ignoring the problem.

No is indeed a complete sentence. At some point I simply don't want to be baited any longer and anyone who apparently is doing that only care about themselves it would seem.

I can't change others, only me.

It's and inside job

Nowsthetime

Thank you very much to everybody that took the time to respond. I read everybody's post but I wasn't able to login to respond till now And I don't have much time. I ended up drinking after this episode, only a few days after. I posted about me drinking also... My husband doesn't get it at all... He said something about maturity being a factor in alcoholism... I will post better about it later....

Feel blahhhh.

Dee74

Hi nowisthetime

I think you have to accept the possibility that your husband may never get it...and that's really ok. He doesn't have to - but you do.

Drinking at people or drinking over things that happen is futile because it changes nothing.

Use the support and understanding you'll find here. Reach out when you're in trouble. If you have trouble accessing SR maybe it's good to think about how you might be able to get easier access so you can use us when you need us, not days later?

Do you use your phone?

D

Nowsthetime

Yes. Even though typing on it is a drag, I love being able to access SR anywhere. I'm here at least reading everyday.