Hevyn

So many heartfelt responses, Mike. You know we truly care & will not give up on you. Drinking is making you miserable, even though you cling to it. It isn't bringing you happiness or relief. Whatever you need to do to get free, please do it soon. I'm praying you won't continue to harm yourself.

MikeM

I was stupid enough to cut that off.

Delilah1

Hi Mike,

I was thinking the same thing, is it possible to return to the place your parents arranged for? They have people trained to help with recovery, and counsellors to help with how you are feeling.

MikeM

This will be my last reply because I'm getting too drunk.

All options are open.

Keep in mind that will not reply to this, but as I mentioned before, I have a trauma about facilities. And a very specific one. Each and every time I was institutionalized (which is far in the past), there was one thing that hit me hard. The smell of the bedsheets. That particular smell. They had it everywhere. I have a trauma about that smell. Just thinking about it brings me back to the mental institute where life is extraordinarily different. I can't describe it. It's not like in the movies, but there are some similarities and some things that are actually worse.

I did learn to talk to raving psychotics though. Which is a skill in itself. I mean this seriously.

Anything that moves towards rehab, no matter how luxury, I will know the smell of the sheets. You have no idea what I've gone through, it's no surprise I'm an alcoholic.

Yes, I know others have gone through even worse. And I empathize with them. And respect them.

Still, this trauma is too intense.

I will be over-dramatic here probably, but I feel like this:

Specifically this part:

"My head hits the pillow, a weeping willow
I can't sleep, a pain so deep it bellows
But these cellos, help just to keep me mellow
Hands on my head, touch knees to elbows
I'm hunched over emotion just flows over
These cold shoulders are both frozen
You don't know me
I keep saying it, I can't stress it enough"

https://youtu.be/9O-bdFLlg4g?t=81

Posting this all, tells me I need to quit posting.

I am genuine. I am addicted. I am nothing but honest. And I am fighting hard.

IfYouCanDream

Pick yourself up. You have it in you.

Carlotta

and right there is a big part of the problem: you are fighting hard (with a beer can in your hand) when the key is to just accept it.
Once you accept that you can never drink safely again and you make up your mind to never drink again then it will be much easier not to succomb to your addictive voice.
White knuckling it in between binges is not the way you will achieve permanent abstinence.
Have you checked out AVRT yet? Since you want to do it alone and you refuse to listen to suggestions from people who have been there before and managed to achieve and maintain long term sobriety maybe that approach would be a better fit for you
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

AnvilheadII

curious WHY since you left for your parents house (again) you didn't post here ONCE, but ONLY to tell us AGAIN that you are drinking AGAIN. SR is a lot of things, but a drunkablog it is not.

you steadfastly refuse any and all suggestions, you have an excuse for why they won't work for YOU. it's not like you developed some RARE strain of alcoholism that defies treatment.....but you sure seem dedicatd to trying to prove that.

i think you forget your audience here.............ain't foolin' nobody.

MikeM

Going against my own advice to not post again for now.

I know the audience, believe me.

But to get to answering your questions.

Why? The obsession became so overwhelming that I nearly passed out, It is that strong. I do think I am an exception since I've never seen anyone post like this. It's indescribable.

Which is why I go against a lot of advice. I've tried it. This is not my first username on here. It didn't work and in fact made things worse. The focus on alcohol made me drink even more.

So that's it. I do not not try. I give my mind, body and soul to getting sober. Standard treatments don't work for me, they make it worse.

So yeah, I guess I'm an exception regarding that.

Which is also why I've decided to do it my own way. Everyone can jump up and down, telling me I need to do this or that, but the this or that makes it worse for me. I do appreciate the help though.

I have done everything. Including doing nothing. Just not drinking. It had me sober for more than 5 weeks until I slipped up at New Year's Eve. Lesson learned.

The plans are so stressful to me, I do have an anxiety disorder, that they cause the stress that makes me drink.

I function best without a plan.

God knows I will simply quit. Not now. Being pushed -> stress -> drink more. I will just quit one of these days. No plan. Just quitting. It's the only thing that works for me.

Anyway, I am wasted. Seriously drunk. And in the past I've had comments that I write so well and that I don't seem drunk.

Believe me, I am. I also am very good at typing, I've perfected it all my life. And however drunk I get, there is always a sober awareness present that helps me. The drunk me doesn't always listen though...

Ok, time to keep it at this. I feel I've explained everything in this thread and that's what it is.

PurpleKnight

Mike, there is nothing that anyone here has not seen, there are no exceptions, just addiction and solutions.

I doubt you have tried everything, what have you tried?

What have you tired ,the current plan is not working!!

Your own way is clearly not working!!

I don't believe you have, there are many untried options out there.

So far you haven't made much progress, functioning without a plan isn't working, so maybe it's time to get a plan!!

MikeM

Just so you know, I've been a member here with one username or another for I think very much over a year now. I did try everything that's available. It does not work. The only thing that kept me sober for the longest is by doing nothing. And that's the plan.

The doctors can't help me. Rehab can't help me. Therapy can't help me. And if someone says one more time that I don't really want it and that I need to want to be sober more than I want to be drunk, I will start plucking out my hairs one by one.

I do want to be sober so much more than I want to drink, And I DO want it.

And I DO know the key to being sober. Do it my own way, I never fully did that. Problem is, even with all the honesty I approach this with. Total honesty, every step of the way. If I do get sober my own way, people won't believe me and my honesty and integrity will be damaged. Because I'm not "supposed" to be able to do it my own way and it can't be true.

It will be. I will be honest. And if it leads to disbelief here, I'll just go.

Anna

Mike, I've been here long enough to assure you, you are not an exception, not at all.

Just a reminder. Please keep your posts to sharing experience and support.

Soberpotamus

There are plenty who get sober on their own and do it their way. Have you read Anne Fletcher's Sober For Good?

Carlotta

I agree with you Soberpotamus (feels weird calling you that ), it is a good book and many people do it on their own but those people all have one thing in common: they put the drink down first and they also accept that drinking is no longer a viable option for them.

Dee74

Mike

I can remember kicking the walls tears running down my face and a gnawing in my gut, wanting to drink. I remember being a fetal ball on my bed. I remember being in the grip of massive panic attacks. I remember being terrified for my very life.

Every minute was an hour.

But I didn't drink...and things got better.

Until you can get through a craving to the other side, you'll never know if it's possible for you too or not.

If your cravings are some superhuman strain that none of us have experienced (no sarcasm implied) then you need rehab.

Maybe you can bring your own bedlinen?

D

Soberpotamus

Jennie works too.

PeacefulRain

I really feel for you Mike. You will be in my prayers tonight.

Maybe rehab would allow you to bring an essential oil with you? Lavender is a great scent and helps with sleep. I use it on myself and my kids.

MikeM

Haven't read it. I'll look it up once the world stops spinning.

MikeM

That is brilliant, about the bedlinen.

It sounds like you had a very hard time but were willing to face it and experience it. It made me realize something.

I do want to quit. I've been wanting to quit all this time. I'm from a culture where, if your heart acts weird, you give yourself a good couple of thumbs on your chest. If that doesn't work, you die.

It's the culture where you can drink. but, to translate an expression: a man at night, a man in the morning.

I was raised that from about 15 years old, it was ok to drink. "As long as you do the throwing up in the garden". It was partially jokingly, but it did display the attitude towards drinking.

How did I get here? I should have stopped writing when I said I would. Ah well, the above is true.

None of that lead to me being an alcoholic though. That's an entirely different and long story that I really don't feel like sharing.

Many of you know me better than many of the people around me. Which is great.

And... I will stop typing now.

Dee74

I'm Australia - similar culture, similar stoicism.

It's still possible to stop

D

Rcvringaddict30

Well this is disappointing. I felt like we were both doing such positive things going to our parents for some safe, sober reflection. I'm sad to hear that you made the choice to leave so you could drink. I've been struggling too with major emotions and triggers but I keep reminding myself of how much greater the pros of not drinking are as opposed to the cons of continuing. Please don't give up the fight.