Guess who relapsed again
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
"I can't" will turn into "I never did."
If you cannot control your responses to your urges, concede that control to someone who has your interests at heart. Check into detox so that you can get an enforced safe zone.
If you cannot control your responses to your urges, concede that control to someone who has your interests at heart. Check into detox so that you can get an enforced safe zone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
"I am always honest, so that's what I think is what will happen. I left because I needed to drink."
No one absolutely needs to drink. People continue to drink because they want to get drunk. You're only being honest to the extent that you tell us that you are drinking. You're not being honest with yourself. I don't think you want to quit drinking. If you did, you would go to any length to get and stay sober.
I've been there. I didn't want to quit. Until I did. I hope you find that one day.
No one absolutely needs to drink. People continue to drink because they want to get drunk. You're only being honest to the extent that you tell us that you are drinking. You're not being honest with yourself. I don't think you want to quit drinking. If you did, you would go to any length to get and stay sober.
I've been there. I didn't want to quit. Until I did. I hope you find that one day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Thanks for the replies. For the ones asking, I cut off the help from my friend.
I feel I need to do this alone or I will always be dependent. If I do it alone, the power is inside me.
I will do this. One thing you can trust me on is me being honest about everything.
There is a way and it's beginning to open to me.
Plus, I can't survive many more nights where my breathing stops and I wake up gasping for air. Problem is, I didn't care anymore. Dying would be the end of my suffering anyway. I would never do it myself, but dying was a good thought.
Now, I'm beginning to want to live. So the stopping breathing thing is something that I try to avoid. Also, today my heart went weird. It thumbed weirdly and I think not at all after that. And I felt nauseas and dizzy, started to faint. Kind of what my dad has, he has heart problems.
When it happened, part of me thought: "Finally". This was before I started drinking and it passed. And it then freaked me out and scared me terribly. Which lead me to drinking. I feel like I'm about to die and I want this last night of drinking and closure and if I die then, I'm ready.
I see I need to stop typing. Talk to you later, if I survive.
I feel I need to do this alone or I will always be dependent. If I do it alone, the power is inside me.
I will do this. One thing you can trust me on is me being honest about everything.
There is a way and it's beginning to open to me.
Plus, I can't survive many more nights where my breathing stops and I wake up gasping for air. Problem is, I didn't care anymore. Dying would be the end of my suffering anyway. I would never do it myself, but dying was a good thought.
Now, I'm beginning to want to live. So the stopping breathing thing is something that I try to avoid. Also, today my heart went weird. It thumbed weirdly and I think not at all after that. And I felt nauseas and dizzy, started to faint. Kind of what my dad has, he has heart problems.
When it happened, part of me thought: "Finally". This was before I started drinking and it passed. And it then freaked me out and scared me terribly. Which lead me to drinking. I feel like I'm about to die and I want this last night of drinking and closure and if I die then, I'm ready.
I see I need to stop typing. Talk to you later, if I survive.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: AZ
Posts: 195
For me, the obsession to drink abruptly stopped when my body went into some kind of last ditch preservation mode. Obsession to not die kicked in pretty quick. Couple that with hallucinations indistinguishable from reality..
I hope you don't take it that far, Mike.
I hope you don't take it that far, Mike.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
"Also, today my heart went weird. It thumbed weirdly and I think not at all after And I felt nauseas and dizzy, started to faint. Kind of what my dad has, he has heart problems.
When it happened, part of me thought: "Finally". This was before I started drinking and it passed"
I felt like this ALL THE TIME when I was still drinking. It all went away when I quit.
When it happened, part of me thought: "Finally". This was before I started drinking and it passed"
I felt like this ALL THE TIME when I was still drinking. It all went away when I quit.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I feel I need to do this alone or I will always be dependent.
There's nothing weak or second rate about asking for seeking help. The best general in the world doesn;t ride into battle alone.
Asking for help doesn't make you 'dependent' - on the contrary it may just help set you free.
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Straight talk is fine but lets keep the criticism constructive guys.
If you have nothing to say to Mike today thats fine...It's ok to push your chair back, log off, and go play with the dog or whatever.
Dee
Moderator
SR
If you have nothing to say to Mike today thats fine...It's ok to push your chair back, log off, and go play with the dog or whatever.
Dee
Moderator
SR
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Hi Mike - I'm sorry to hear about you leaving your parents' home. I was hopeful this might be what would work for you. I'm no expert but it looks like you're not able to do this on your own. I hope you will consider an inpatient rehabilitation program. I know you don't want to but if you're serious about quitting drinking it may be what you need to get you to a place where your addiction isn't running the show and you are better equipped to move forward in sobriety. Take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 2,332
Originally Posted by MikeM 
If I do it alone, the power is inside me.
The song is "Same Power" by Jeremy Camp.
https://search.*****.com/yhs/search;....avg._.0215pit
Last edited by emme99; 02-08-2016 at 02:57 PM. Reason: I don't think the link works and I don't know how to fix it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by MikeM
Thanks for the replies. For the ones asking, I cut off the help from my friend.
I feel I need to do this alone or I will always be dependent. If I do it alone, the power is inside me.
I will do this. One thing you can trust me on is me being honest about everything.
There is a way and it's beginning to open to me.
Plus, I can't survive many more nights where my breathing stops and I wake up gasping for air. Problem is, I didn't care anymore. Dying would be the end of my suffering anyway. I would never do it myself, but dying was a good thought.
Now, I'm beginning to want to live. So the stopping breathing thing is something that I try to avoid. Also, today my heart went weird. It thumbed weirdly and I think not at all after that. And I felt nauseas and dizzy, started to faint. Kind of what my dad has, he has heart problems.
When it happened, part of me thought: "Finally". This was before I started drinking and it passed. And it then freaked me out and scared me terribly. Which lead me to drinking. I feel like I'm about to die and I want this last night of drinking and closure and if I die then, I'm ready.
I see I need to stop typing. Talk to you later, if I survive.
I feel I need to do this alone or I will always be dependent. If I do it alone, the power is inside me.
I will do this. One thing you can trust me on is me being honest about everything.
There is a way and it's beginning to open to me.
Plus, I can't survive many more nights where my breathing stops and I wake up gasping for air. Problem is, I didn't care anymore. Dying would be the end of my suffering anyway. I would never do it myself, but dying was a good thought.
Now, I'm beginning to want to live. So the stopping breathing thing is something that I try to avoid. Also, today my heart went weird. It thumbed weirdly and I think not at all after that. And I felt nauseas and dizzy, started to faint. Kind of what my dad has, he has heart problems.
When it happened, part of me thought: "Finally". This was before I started drinking and it passed. And it then freaked me out and scared me terribly. Which lead me to drinking. I feel like I'm about to die and I want this last night of drinking and closure and if I die then, I'm ready.
I see I need to stop typing. Talk to you later, if I survive.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
What if you can resist it?
What would that mean?
The idea that it's possible for you to resist it coupled with belief that you can do it.
Just think about it, maybe when you run out of alcohol.
Urges will not drive you mad. They are uncomfortable but they do pass.
What would that mean?
The idea that it's possible for you to resist it coupled with belief that you can do it.
Just think about it, maybe when you run out of alcohol.
Urges will not drive you mad. They are uncomfortable but they do pass.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by ScrewdUpInDe
Also, you need to get some coping skills so that you can handle whatever life throws at you, especially if you want to do this alone.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Mike, I'm not going to bash you. Been following your posts for quite awhile and I can relate, because you sound just like me.
You reach out for help and want people to talk you out of drinking, but you've already made up your mind that you're going to drink. I get it. Been there.
You hate drinking and yet you fear sobriety. I get that too.
I understand the loss of patience some of our family have had with you, yet I also understand why you keep drinking and asking for help despite the great advice you have gotten here.
The addiction has taken over. It is in control. You are not. There are ways to get the control back but you haven't done them because at your core, you still want to drink. Admit it. There is no shame in that. We get it. As much as you hate what drinking does to you, you still want it. There is no shame in admitting that. Again ... we get it.
I hated drinking but no matter where it took me, I still longed for it because as much as it was destroying my life, there was some comfort in it. The escape ... the checking out of life ... the comfort of my bottle and my couch when I couldn't handle life even though I knew it was destroying my life ... I get it.
You crave the escape alcohol gives you. That's powerful. That's why I drank. It ruined my life in 1001 ways, but it gave me comfort in a sick, twisted way. It was predictable. As much as alcohol is f'ing up your life, it is "known." Sobriety is an unknown and that is frightening. Again ... I get it.
Ask yourself ... are you enjoying this life? Is it bringing you pleasure? How does it make you feel about yourself ? Do you foresee this as what the rest of your life will be? When alcohol ceased being enjoyable for me, I was able to get sober. I enjoyed being sober ... I hated being drunk. I know you hate being drunk on some level ... but on another level, it is giving you some kind of comfort. That's what you need to look at.
I get the cravings. They are NOT cravings for alcohol but something deeper. That's what you need to discover. What is alcohol giving you that you are craving? Escape? Stress/anxiety relief? A way to avoid responsibility? A respite from self loathing?
Not trying to be patronizing, but you are getting a reward from your drinking. It's giving you a "pass" for something that you aren't willing to face sober. I get that too. I'm not going to tell you to "man up." But you and I both know that your drinking is more than just "cravings." Time to do a serious inventory, buddy. You don't want "alcoholism" on your tombstone.
You reach out for help and want people to talk you out of drinking, but you've already made up your mind that you're going to drink. I get it. Been there.
You hate drinking and yet you fear sobriety. I get that too.
I understand the loss of patience some of our family have had with you, yet I also understand why you keep drinking and asking for help despite the great advice you have gotten here.
The addiction has taken over. It is in control. You are not. There are ways to get the control back but you haven't done them because at your core, you still want to drink. Admit it. There is no shame in that. We get it. As much as you hate what drinking does to you, you still want it. There is no shame in admitting that. Again ... we get it.
I hated drinking but no matter where it took me, I still longed for it because as much as it was destroying my life, there was some comfort in it. The escape ... the checking out of life ... the comfort of my bottle and my couch when I couldn't handle life even though I knew it was destroying my life ... I get it.
You crave the escape alcohol gives you. That's powerful. That's why I drank. It ruined my life in 1001 ways, but it gave me comfort in a sick, twisted way. It was predictable. As much as alcohol is f'ing up your life, it is "known." Sobriety is an unknown and that is frightening. Again ... I get it.
Ask yourself ... are you enjoying this life? Is it bringing you pleasure? How does it make you feel about yourself ? Do you foresee this as what the rest of your life will be? When alcohol ceased being enjoyable for me, I was able to get sober. I enjoyed being sober ... I hated being drunk. I know you hate being drunk on some level ... but on another level, it is giving you some kind of comfort. That's what you need to look at.
I get the cravings. They are NOT cravings for alcohol but something deeper. That's what you need to discover. What is alcohol giving you that you are craving? Escape? Stress/anxiety relief? A way to avoid responsibility? A respite from self loathing?
Not trying to be patronizing, but you are getting a reward from your drinking. It's giving you a "pass" for something that you aren't willing to face sober. I get that too. I'm not going to tell you to "man up." But you and I both know that your drinking is more than just "cravings." Time to do a serious inventory, buddy. You don't want "alcoholism" on your tombstone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Mike, there's a lot of people here that want you to beat this, you know that!!
I think I got to the point when doing it alone didn't work, my own willpower, my own strength seemed to always fall short, the reason being addicton is a real and powerful thing, if it was as easy as waking up one day and not drinking all these recovery resources that exist wouldn't be here, SR, AA, Rational Recovery etc.
So it was only when I accepted I couldn't do this on my own that I started to make some headway, I accepted I needed to take alcohol off the table permanently as it wasn't working anymore in my life, and Mike waking up in the middle of the night gasping for breath cannot be phrased any other way other than it's not working.
Next I needed others around me, isolation was the enemy, as addiction could feed me anything without anything to counteract it, SR was a fantastic resource, but there are many options, but they are only as good as we plan them into our routines, reach out and use them, resources don't work if we don't proactively use them.
Draw a final line under alcohol Mike, get a plan together, it wasn't that long ago you had a few Sober days together, get back to that place and make this your final turning point, you can do this!!
I think I got to the point when doing it alone didn't work, my own willpower, my own strength seemed to always fall short, the reason being addicton is a real and powerful thing, if it was as easy as waking up one day and not drinking all these recovery resources that exist wouldn't be here, SR, AA, Rational Recovery etc.
So it was only when I accepted I couldn't do this on my own that I started to make some headway, I accepted I needed to take alcohol off the table permanently as it wasn't working anymore in my life, and Mike waking up in the middle of the night gasping for breath cannot be phrased any other way other than it's not working.
Next I needed others around me, isolation was the enemy, as addiction could feed me anything without anything to counteract it, SR was a fantastic resource, but there are many options, but they are only as good as we plan them into our routines, reach out and use them, resources don't work if we don't proactively use them.
Draw a final line under alcohol Mike, get a plan together, it wasn't that long ago you had a few Sober days together, get back to that place and make this your final turning point, you can do this!!
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