Hi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 17
Hi
Hi all,
I had a brief flutter a while back on the site but am a long time lurker and huge fan of you all, your stories, the support given, the lows and the stories of triumph.
I am 35 year old woman, in a long term relationship but not married and no children. Have a job I love, a wonderful family (although I live in a different country so don't see them a lot) wonderful friends.. And on complete one way trip to losing it all..
Looking back I think I've struggled with alcohol since that first sip, but such is its hold, you often don't realise until it's too late.
I've never had so much as a parking ticket and then at 33 find myself in court for DUI and lost my license for a year.. The tales I had to tell to keep my dirty secret from those around me and just the shame (although I have never felt sorry for myself and deserved everything I got!) but it's that daily struggle of going into work, horrendously hungover.. Pretend you are fine (I overcompensate so much I've earned the nickname smiley!!) but I'm really dying inside.. Swear I'm not going to drink that evening and then like clock work at about 3pm ... DING!!! Something comes over me and there is no talking to me.. Fast forward a few hours, I'm getting more comatose (or drinking slyly as my partner would kill me!) and then passing out instead of sleeping..
I have gone to the gym with red wine in my bottle, used to give myself a pat on the back for getting away with drinking a bottle of wine in an evening without my partner noticing, drank in a park at 10pm at night on my own when sneaking drink at home wasn't an option, missed things I've committed to because was too hungover or got too drunk before hand.. You know what!? It's exhausting this double life.. And for what?!
I did an outpatient detox last year and was amazing the support that was available once you reached out. Was sober for 3 months.. What I now know from you all, was my evil AV arked up and made me think I was in control..
Anyway here I am, day 3 .. Struggled a bit today - partner and I had huge argument on Thursday after I got so drunk after work he had to carry me into the house (I told him I was late night shopping....) my normal thought is to crack a (cheap!) bottle of red and just forget about it.. But then remembered you all so HI!!
Sorry for the ramble.. Hope you had a good weekend wherever you are and I look forward to reading and sharing more with you
Nevey x
I had a brief flutter a while back on the site but am a long time lurker and huge fan of you all, your stories, the support given, the lows and the stories of triumph.
I am 35 year old woman, in a long term relationship but not married and no children. Have a job I love, a wonderful family (although I live in a different country so don't see them a lot) wonderful friends.. And on complete one way trip to losing it all..
Looking back I think I've struggled with alcohol since that first sip, but such is its hold, you often don't realise until it's too late.
I've never had so much as a parking ticket and then at 33 find myself in court for DUI and lost my license for a year.. The tales I had to tell to keep my dirty secret from those around me and just the shame (although I have never felt sorry for myself and deserved everything I got!) but it's that daily struggle of going into work, horrendously hungover.. Pretend you are fine (I overcompensate so much I've earned the nickname smiley!!) but I'm really dying inside.. Swear I'm not going to drink that evening and then like clock work at about 3pm ... DING!!! Something comes over me and there is no talking to me.. Fast forward a few hours, I'm getting more comatose (or drinking slyly as my partner would kill me!) and then passing out instead of sleeping..
I have gone to the gym with red wine in my bottle, used to give myself a pat on the back for getting away with drinking a bottle of wine in an evening without my partner noticing, drank in a park at 10pm at night on my own when sneaking drink at home wasn't an option, missed things I've committed to because was too hungover or got too drunk before hand.. You know what!? It's exhausting this double life.. And for what?!
I did an outpatient detox last year and was amazing the support that was available once you reached out. Was sober for 3 months.. What I now know from you all, was my evil AV arked up and made me think I was in control..
Anyway here I am, day 3 .. Struggled a bit today - partner and I had huge argument on Thursday after I got so drunk after work he had to carry me into the house (I told him I was late night shopping....) my normal thought is to crack a (cheap!) bottle of red and just forget about it.. But then remembered you all so HI!!
Sorry for the ramble.. Hope you had a good weekend wherever you are and I look forward to reading and sharing more with you
Nevey x
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Great that you've done 3 days Nevey. It doesn't sound like much of a life when you're drinking, and now you know from experience that you can't moderate.
That's an essential realisation, and most of us who have long-term sobriety went through episodes of thinking we could moderate before we got the message.
I suggest you think about your trigger time, leaving work, and set up some relaxing rituals for when you get home. I found drinking tea was effective, and it didn't take long before that equated to a glass of wine. I also had lots of sparkling water and low cal drinks in the fridge. I was surprised to find that just having a drink was enough, and that it didn't have to be alcoholic.
Stick around at SR and post often. You'll find the support is really helpful.
That's an essential realisation, and most of us who have long-term sobriety went through episodes of thinking we could moderate before we got the message.
I suggest you think about your trigger time, leaving work, and set up some relaxing rituals for when you get home. I found drinking tea was effective, and it didn't take long before that equated to a glass of wine. I also had lots of sparkling water and low cal drinks in the fridge. I was surprised to find that just having a drink was enough, and that it didn't have to be alcoholic.
Stick around at SR and post often. You'll find the support is really helpful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Galway
Posts: 25
Hi Nevey,
I'm the same age as you. I reduced my drinking from every night to every 3rd night to prove to my husband that I could and so he would marry me. Little did he know the quantity I was consuming on my drinking nights. We are married 3 years and trying for children. I have hidden drink in coffee cups and gone to the gym drunk a few times. It's sound like you might of hit the low you need to turn your life around. I'm only on day 18. I'm still detoxing. Sleep is only returning now. I have bursts of depression and self pity. But I can 100% say the bad side to getting better passes and it has never been as tough as a hangover. When I think of all the people battling illness that never even drank I just can't belive I could get myself in that state. That's exactly what it is but we are lucky because we can choose to get rid of our illness. Life is so much better not drinking. When I get the urge in the evening to open a bottle of wine I light a big fire, drink 2 pints of warm lemon water, open a book and go to bed by 10pm. I love my early mornings now. I am able to hold longer conversations with people at work besause I'm not hiding my drink breath. There are so many little things that I'm finding out every day that make me determined to stick at it. The little things, things that I haven't done since I was a child. Even watching a movie without battling to keep my stinging eyes open. All down to alcohol robbing my life. I wish you all the best. Be strong and give it your all. This site is amazing. I feel such pity and fear when i read the posts about people relapsing. It does give me strength to stay sober. Looking forward to following your journey.
You can change your life today.
Xxxx.
I'm the same age as you. I reduced my drinking from every night to every 3rd night to prove to my husband that I could and so he would marry me. Little did he know the quantity I was consuming on my drinking nights. We are married 3 years and trying for children. I have hidden drink in coffee cups and gone to the gym drunk a few times. It's sound like you might of hit the low you need to turn your life around. I'm only on day 18. I'm still detoxing. Sleep is only returning now. I have bursts of depression and self pity. But I can 100% say the bad side to getting better passes and it has never been as tough as a hangover. When I think of all the people battling illness that never even drank I just can't belive I could get myself in that state. That's exactly what it is but we are lucky because we can choose to get rid of our illness. Life is so much better not drinking. When I get the urge in the evening to open a bottle of wine I light a big fire, drink 2 pints of warm lemon water, open a book and go to bed by 10pm. I love my early mornings now. I am able to hold longer conversations with people at work besause I'm not hiding my drink breath. There are so many little things that I'm finding out every day that make me determined to stick at it. The little things, things that I haven't done since I was a child. Even watching a movie without battling to keep my stinging eyes open. All down to alcohol robbing my life. I wish you all the best. Be strong and give it your all. This site is amazing. I feel such pity and fear when i read the posts about people relapsing. It does give me strength to stay sober. Looking forward to following your journey.
You can change your life today.
Xxxx.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 17
Thank you all for your replies and good wishes.. And thank you Dee, you do an amazingly fabulous job here.
Oh my goodness yes, the coffee cups... Red wine is my Achilles heel and used black coffee cups all the time to hide it.. Used to have a spare one with green tea in case I got caught.. It's so awful to think of the double life you can create in your own home!
Your story sounds very similar penelopepitstop.. I just recently got engaged last Sept, but I am on very thin ice ... Ive put him thru a lot.. And to be honest he doesn't understand the addiction so I do need to do this myself for me firstly but I certainly don't want alcohol to have another victim with our relationship. I hate when he says he can't trust me... Because you know what, he's right, I've chosen alcohol so many times before.. Time to change this for good..
I am going to give AA a go this time. I'm very nervous but after reading thru here a lot it has helped.
Thanks again all!!
Oh my goodness yes, the coffee cups... Red wine is my Achilles heel and used black coffee cups all the time to hide it.. Used to have a spare one with green tea in case I got caught.. It's so awful to think of the double life you can create in your own home!
Your story sounds very similar penelopepitstop.. I just recently got engaged last Sept, but I am on very thin ice ... Ive put him thru a lot.. And to be honest he doesn't understand the addiction so I do need to do this myself for me firstly but I certainly don't want alcohol to have another victim with our relationship. I hate when he says he can't trust me... Because you know what, he's right, I've chosen alcohol so many times before.. Time to change this for good..
I am going to give AA a go this time. I'm very nervous but after reading thru here a lot it has helped.
Thanks again all!!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
N,
It's not crazy we continued to drink w all the red flags and pain we go through.
Booze is addictive. I was raised on it.
The internet has put all the information out there for us to see.
Now we have a fighters chance.
The detox was easy compared to the long term anxiety.
The crave. The desire to drink at certain triggers. E.g. superbowl
Sobriety is the right way. Spending our lives in a brain altered state is fun, but it gets worse and worse every time we drink.
I guess it takes about 10 years of fairly hard drinking before we start to see the physical issues. That is why it is tough for young people to quit after a DUI or domestic issue. There are no physical motivators.
For me, I had alcohol induced anxiety for years. It took education to make me aware that I could get rid of it by not drinking any more.
It is not simple to do, but it sure feels good to be a sober and clean person.
Coming up on 9 months and it has gotten better each day.
You can do it. Easy does it. Surrender to sobriety. Fighting gets old.
Moderation is a prison.....e.g. i can have 1 more and be fine....I still can drive....
Don't believe the hype. Alcohol is a government sanctioned toxin. It keeps us weak.
It can make us unmotivated, slurring, red eyed, stupid, and dangerous...just a few of the laundry list.
Plus....it causes brain damage. I have had enough of that.
Thanks for the post and the therapy.
It's not crazy we continued to drink w all the red flags and pain we go through.
Booze is addictive. I was raised on it.
The internet has put all the information out there for us to see.
Now we have a fighters chance.
The detox was easy compared to the long term anxiety.
The crave. The desire to drink at certain triggers. E.g. superbowl
Sobriety is the right way. Spending our lives in a brain altered state is fun, but it gets worse and worse every time we drink.
I guess it takes about 10 years of fairly hard drinking before we start to see the physical issues. That is why it is tough for young people to quit after a DUI or domestic issue. There are no physical motivators.
For me, I had alcohol induced anxiety for years. It took education to make me aware that I could get rid of it by not drinking any more.
It is not simple to do, but it sure feels good to be a sober and clean person.
Coming up on 9 months and it has gotten better each day.
You can do it. Easy does it. Surrender to sobriety. Fighting gets old.
Moderation is a prison.....e.g. i can have 1 more and be fine....I still can drive....
Don't believe the hype. Alcohol is a government sanctioned toxin. It keeps us weak.
It can make us unmotivated, slurring, red eyed, stupid, and dangerous...just a few of the laundry list.
Plus....it causes brain damage. I have had enough of that.
Thanks for the post and the therapy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Welcome.
Great post, great avatar.
Energy really does go where your attention flows.
Alcohol saps your energy, your spirit.
I am a bit woo woo in that I have come to believe that life as experienced by us humans boils down to fear and love, and for me, booze is fear bottled.
Whenever I am deciding what to do, I think, can I do it with love for myself, my family, my peeps (including my SR peeps of course).
For me, and for most of us me thinks, I cannot drink with love for myself. I can drink with fear, but not with love.
So I don't. Ever. Never.
Join me, join us.
You got this.
Great post, great avatar.
Energy really does go where your attention flows.
Alcohol saps your energy, your spirit.
I am a bit woo woo in that I have come to believe that life as experienced by us humans boils down to fear and love, and for me, booze is fear bottled.
Whenever I am deciding what to do, I think, can I do it with love for myself, my family, my peeps (including my SR peeps of course).
For me, and for most of us me thinks, I cannot drink with love for myself. I can drink with fear, but not with love.
So I don't. Ever. Never.
Join me, join us.
You got this.
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