Selfless love
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Selfless love
Hello,
I'm new here just looking for some wisdom. My wife and I have been together 5 years married almost 2. The alcohol has gotten out if control over the past 2 years. Back in December 2015 she went on a week long binge. I took her into a 45 day program her choice. The first half she was very close with me. Then she became very distant. She called 2 days before coming out and said she was staying at her moms and didn't want me to pick her up. 3 days later after some conversations she stated she thinks we should just move on a and sell the house. I have been making changes and saw how I too am part of the problem. I'm doing things I want to do. She asked for space but texts out of the blue daily. She just got a sponsor.
I want to be supportive and respect her decisions. If she continues to ask for a divorce do I just grant her one? We have bills at the house that I need help with but don't want to dress her out. Do I make her accountable?
Ty
I'm new here just looking for some wisdom. My wife and I have been together 5 years married almost 2. The alcohol has gotten out if control over the past 2 years. Back in December 2015 she went on a week long binge. I took her into a 45 day program her choice. The first half she was very close with me. Then she became very distant. She called 2 days before coming out and said she was staying at her moms and didn't want me to pick her up. 3 days later after some conversations she stated she thinks we should just move on a and sell the house. I have been making changes and saw how I too am part of the problem. I'm doing things I want to do. She asked for space but texts out of the blue daily. She just got a sponsor.
I want to be supportive and respect her decisions. If she continues to ask for a divorce do I just grant her one? We have bills at the house that I need help with but don't want to dress her out. Do I make her accountable?
Ty
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Sobriety and recovery change people. If she wants to move on, what choice do you have anyway? I think it's good that you're looking at yourself and your behaviors too, but the fact is that what you can't change -- namely, her feelings -- must be accepted.
As for the bills, she should pay her share, assuming the ability to do so.
As for the bills, she should pay her share, assuming the ability to do so.
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Maybe you need to speak with an attorney so you don't get stuck with all the financial burden. If you need her to cover part of the bills and she has stated she wants to sell the house, I think you need to make some decisions for your own financial security quickly.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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With all that has happened and I know it was as much on me as my AW. It seems that now she is serious about staying sober. That being said I would like her to to stay. That's not my choice. She sends mixed signals like " I leave and you turn into the guy I always wanted."
I took our vows very serious when we were married. At what point am I just a codependent too?
I took our vows very serious when we were married. At what point am I just a codependent too?
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In any relationship breakup, there's blame to go around, but in a codependent relationship with an addict, the blame is most often carried the most by the addict. I know my behavior was the prime cause of my recent breakup.
On sobering up, the remorse we addicts feel can be crushing, and in those cases walking away often seems to be the only answer. How can I ask forgiveness for the wrongs I've done? How can my partner ever forgive them -- and me?
Guilt may be making her think that the harm she's done is irreparable.
On sobering up, the remorse we addicts feel can be crushing, and in those cases walking away often seems to be the only answer. How can I ask forgiveness for the wrongs I've done? How can my partner ever forgive them -- and me?
Guilt may be making her think that the harm she's done is irreparable.
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Originally Posted by trachemys 
Do you love her?
Do you want to not live without her?
If so, let her know. Fight life for her.
If not, let her go. Make the leaving easy for both of you.
Do you want to not live without her?
If so, let her know. Fight life for her.
If not, let her go. Make the leaving easy for both of you.
I want to fight but also want to respect her boundaries.
If she really wanted to move on would she still be texting me and trying to have some contact with me even thou she doesn't say or show it?
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Originally Posted by Thumpalumpacus
In any relationship breakup, there's blame to go around, but in a codependent relationship with an addict, the blame is most often carried the most by the addict. I know my behavior was the prime cause of my recent breakup.
On sobering up, the remorse we addicts feel can be crushing, and in those cases walking away often seems to be the only answer. How can I ask forgiveness for the wrongs I've done? How can my partner ever forgive them -- and me?
Guilt may be making her think that the harm she's done is irreparable.
On sobering up, the remorse we addicts feel can be crushing, and in those cases walking away often seems to be the only answer. How can I ask forgiveness for the wrongs I've done? How can my partner ever forgive them -- and me?
Guilt may be making her think that the harm she's done is irreparable.
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Originally Posted by Jlombardo1066
Other than words how can I comfort her on the past is the past? I forgive her but it seems she diesnt forgive herself.
I think it's important for you to maintain your own boundaries through this process, too.
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I have told her my feelings. To the point that if I didn't stop I would just push her away. When she texts me about nothing important I let her know I'm proud of her. I feel like it falls on deaf ears thou. She won't even hug me back she knows that's her weakness. I want answers that she prob doesn't know the answers to. I need to rember one day at a time. Any success stories to give me some hope would be appreciated.
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JL,
Welcome to SR. I come from the F&F side of this forum. (friends and family). Your wife is working very hard to stay sober and get healthy. She can not work on your marriage until she can get her stuff together. It is very difficult to go through this process, in the long run, it is a blessing you are apart. Read the newcomer forum and see how the "A's" truly struggle withdrawing from there addictions.
You need to take this time and work on you. A marriage is a 50/50 partnership. You have to own your dysfunction in the enabler/addict marriage. Have you ever been to an alanon meeting? That is a wonderful place to start. We codies, need to take responsibility on what we have become in this marriage. IMO you need to let her do her meetings and talk to her A friends. You will never understand addiction so you can not "help" her. That is what AA is for, they totally "get" it, and we Never will.
Take this time and work "your" program. See how you can get healthy. Once you both get "strong" then you can move forward in saving your marriage. I do agree with everyone else that she needs to be helping you with the bills. You will not be rocking the boat by expecting her to contribute financially. If she is working her program, she will start taking ownership of those responsibilities.
Hugs my friend, you are blessed that she is sober today and she is working her program all by herself!!
Welcome to SR. I come from the F&F side of this forum. (friends and family). Your wife is working very hard to stay sober and get healthy. She can not work on your marriage until she can get her stuff together. It is very difficult to go through this process, in the long run, it is a blessing you are apart. Read the newcomer forum and see how the "A's" truly struggle withdrawing from there addictions.
You need to take this time and work on you. A marriage is a 50/50 partnership. You have to own your dysfunction in the enabler/addict marriage. Have you ever been to an alanon meeting? That is a wonderful place to start. We codies, need to take responsibility on what we have become in this marriage. IMO you need to let her do her meetings and talk to her A friends. You will never understand addiction so you can not "help" her. That is what AA is for, they totally "get" it, and we Never will.
Take this time and work "your" program. See how you can get healthy. Once you both get "strong" then you can move forward in saving your marriage. I do agree with everyone else that she needs to be helping you with the bills. You will not be rocking the boat by expecting her to contribute financially. If she is working her program, she will start taking ownership of those responsibilities.
Hugs my friend, you are blessed that she is sober today and she is working her program all by herself!!
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Originally Posted by Jlombardo1066
I have told her my feelings. To the point that if I didn't stop I would just push her away. When she texts me about nothing important I let her know I'm proud of her. I feel like it falls on deaf ears thou. She won't even hug me back she knows that's her weakness. I want answers that she prob doesn't know the answers to. I need to rember one day at a time. Any success stories to give me some hope would be appreciated.
I hope you two can work it out
D
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Originally Posted by Dee74
If she's not responsive to you trying to communicate and you feel it's actually pushing her away then there's nothing to do but wait, or move on, I think?
I hope you two can work it out
D
I hope you two can work it out
D
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I played the victim role while drinking, but definitely not after I stopped.
It sounds to me like she is pushing and pulling at the same time and that's unfair to you. As Dee said, I think you can either move on or wait and see what happens. What do you want to do?
It sounds to me like she is pushing and pulling at the same time and that's unfair to you. As Dee said, I think you can either move on or wait and see what happens. What do you want to do?
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