Dee74

This whole paragraph is pretty much AV Jeff.

Recovery is not thinking about alcohol. It's just not. If you think it is then I you really need to do more work on a plan:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html


I had to deal with my alcoholism first because, even when I wasn't drinking, I was still mired down in the debris that years of drinking left me in.

The fact that you're still postulating a return to drinking, even in a limited way, shows me you're still mired down too.

You really have to break it down Jeff.

I think this marked ambivalence you have about giving up drinking may be starting to paralyse you in other ways.

As others have noted, you seem to be on a very long taper with these meds.

I'm not arguing with your Dr - if he/she set it up that way -but I think that's a factor here too.

D

thomas11

To anyone reading this thread, Anvill's comment hits home the most. Long story short, I've lived most of my life at a 100MPH. All through school I was in sports, school newspaper etc...Went to college and wrestled (fyi, college sports are year round despite what the NCAA says) then got into my bodybuilding career, while still attending college I worked at a casino (2nd shift). Triple whammy. The characters I met in the gym were wild (Hell's Angels to cops), upstart casino industry here in the Midwest and elsewhere was crazy. Furthermore my father was building them. Saw things I never thought I'd see. I was in the rooms and casino where most of the movie Casino was filmed. (its demolished now) College was, well, college. Then got into a criminal lifestyle. Remember the characters Jules and Vincent in Pulp Fiction? That was us on a much smaller level. Although the structure was the same. So I finally jumped ship on all of it and cut ties with everyone and went into hiding for 3 years, got my crap together, got a job at a large corporation in customer service (with a degree in Human Biology w/ minor in Psychology) and started from scratch in 1998. Since then its been pretty good. But a person's brain is not a hard drive, you can't just delete your past, its there. So going back to what Anvill said, I certainly don't want to give up on life, but I want to slow down. I want to enjoy the last 25-30 years of my life. Yet I feel this need to "push". And I don't know the answer, I don't know what to do.

I know what I can't do, and that is return to being a drunk, but I also can't be sober and a "loser". I need to get going again. I know, long post, but now its out there.

strategery

If you had taken recovery seriously when you first got here and made it a priority in your life, your story would be very different than what it is now. I hope you reconsider your list...

teatreeoil007

Big amen!

Dee74

Jeff, if you've decided slowing down is OK now, I really hope you use this time to realise there's a million other options between those two poles.

I'm sober and I'm not a loser.

It was drinking me who was the big time loser.

D

JK130

Your perceived need to slow down sounds a lot like I describe my own anxiety. Being sober for a significant period of time helps, but my anxious, high energy, fast thinking, worrying kind of self didn't disappear. You should expect that issues both recent and from long ago might be claiming space in your head as you are forced to inactivity by illness, injury and unemployment. While the brain is still recovering from alcohol poisoning, it's challenging, but life goes on, for better or worse. I GET that you want the "better", and it seems like you have some resources to help you out with that. I wish you well in your journey...don't set yourself up for another Day 1 because you don't have a solid plan to anchor your sobriety.

thomas11

Who posted this?

"I'm new here and have decided to give up drinking. I've been drinking since I was 23 and am now in my late 30's. I've been able to relate to many of your stories. I haven't lost my marriage or job, but I think I may be pushing the limit on the former. I also know the way I'm going is not good for my health.
I attempted to get sober in the middle of the month and was successful for 6 days. Then I thought I could handle a beer or two. This worked okay for the first few days. Last night, I got drunk as a skunk and have come to the conclusion I need to give it up entirely.
I was wondering what you did to get through the first 30 days."

Were you not serious?

Anna

Thomas, I agree with Dee that your ambivalence toward drinking could be beginning to paralyze you in other areas of your life.

Venecia

Jeff, as we all know, SR members cannot offer medical advice.

However, I cannot help but wonder if -- in addition to some solid, ongoing work with a counselor -- you would benefit from a screening for depression. There is a lot of good help out there.

Soberpotamus

I disagree.

The way I see it, if I want something done, it's up to me to figure out my goal, and then map out the steps I need to take to get there. Then take the first step. And then tomorrow, the next step, and so on.

That's how to get around being "unmotivated." Better than that, if you remain "unmotivated," maybe the goal needs to be clarified until you are motivated to pursue it.

Clarity and discipline beat inspiration any day.

Dee74

Y'know I'm sure I made some silly posts - I know I definitely made some embarrassing ones...If you really want to pull one of my posts from 2007 go for it, Jeff...but it would prove nothing really except that you're being defensive....

Its a dangerous game to post long term peoples posts back at them...because ultimately in the end they all got several things right...

they really wanted to be sober, they made that a priority, they accepted they could never drink again, they learned to detect an alcoholic idea, they stopped making excuses, they leapt into action, they listened to other people and they left their ego at the door.

Use that drive and that research energy well, man - use it for you, and not against others.

D

courage2

Thomas/Jeff -- it sounds from this thread like you have all the sobriety you want. You say you're satisfied only to drink once every 7 months, and that you're keeping within that limit successfully (which doesn't match my recall, but I drank away most of my brain LOL). You don't want to quit the pain meds. You're not interested in recovery -- just exercising more and getting work.

Is that right?

If yes, why are you here? You remind me of that poem, not waving but drowning. Except instead of the people on the shore, it's you, the one out in the current, who thinks you're only waving.

I hope you stick around, but I also hope you get honest.

strategery

Looking back, I was sort of serious, but I was in a place where I was more "entertaining sobriety". I liked the idea of getting sober (minus having to give up alcohol and admitting I had a problem with it).

I wasn't even entirely sure I had that much of a problem since I was a night drinker and had never gotten into any trouble with the law due to my drinking, had any issues with work, no injuries, no health issues, etc.

I probably wasn't serious until after my sobriety date (20th of November 2014). I can still remember contemplating getting sober after Thanksgiving, but then I started thinking, well maybe after Christmas, and then maybe after New Years. There was never a good time to get sober and I saw up close how cunning my AV is and how I could perpetually put off being sober....forever.

I also made some mistakes in early sobriety and it was those lapses that helped solidify my commitment to sobriety. With my very last relapse, I remember thinking I could drink without having cravings any more since I had gotten through those early cravings. I was very wrong on that and regretted having those drinks. All the work I had done with battling those early cravings, I had to repeat.

How did I get through the first 30 days? I made a plan and listened to others here. I started working on my thinking, how to identify emotions and triggers, went to the chat meetings here, posted, read a lot about all the different methods for getting sober, started going to the 24 hour thread, and tried to absorb all I could. I also made a commitment to myself that if I couldn't get sober, I would commit more resources, such as going to AA. If that didn't work, I'd do outpatient. If that still didn't work, I'd do inpatient. I also enlisted the support of my husband.

Recovery has been a progressive shift in my mindset, but it's also taken a lot of work. I am a very different person from when I was first here. With increased sobriety, I have seen the rewards, but it's still taken a lot of consistent effort and commitment to recovery. There are still days I have to work on my thinking, I still go to recovery meetings, and do service here as well.

teatreeoil007

I have always found that when I get really good regular workouts everything is better!

Marcher13

Take it Jeff.

Soberwolf

I wish you every success in sobriety & life Jeff I'm stepping back

JK130

Very impressive, Strategery. Thank you.

thomas11

Sorry I dropped off rather abruptly last night. I got a phone call and had to do a lot of listening. A friend of mine filed bankruptcy, so the bank put all his stuff up for sale. Another friend of mine bought everything out from under the other one for pennies on the dollar. I was caught in the middle and needless to say the one friend who filed bankruptcy, was not happy.

thomas11

I just want to mention a couple things. I will be watching my 3rd Superbowl sober, but the first without the after effects of the day before.

I also started reading You Can Quit Alcohol by Lance Ferrell. Its a start.

Thumpalumpacus

In my own experience, I applied that defensiveness only when I knew that I was in the wrong. One thing I truly enjoy about recovery is the ability to say "I was wrong", and address the issue rather than the person. The former leads to better emotional balance, the latter leads to unnecessary drama and ensuing emotional swings which only encourage AV.