teardrops

I'm never good at introductions.....

I have along history with drugs, I'm 45, first used at age of 13. Times I've gone months, have gone a couple of years at times with out using. But i alwsys end up using, pills has become what I prefer these days. Once again I'm popping pills. Have been for a while now. keep telling myself in moderation and responsibly, but then I want to feel that affect that comes long with it. Once again it's become daily and it's scaring me. I want to stop it and I don't want to stop it. It's like a war going on within and I'm keeping it from everyone but I feel it's beginning to show. I hate pills but only because I love them so much. They help me, yet I know it's going to destroy everything I've been working for.

Guess that may be more than I wanted to start I with, but I also need to be truthful.

Don't know what to do.

Obladi

This is a good start - you are looking at yourself and putting it in words.
I'd say most if not all of us recognize that ambivalence of wanting to quit and not wanting to quit all at the same time.

What to do?
What would you like to do?

Welcome. You'll find lots of support here.

teardrops

That's tough question.

Obladi

Understood.
While you mull it over, have a stroll around the joint.
You'll recognize a lot of it from you experience and will also find some hope.

Vandermast

hey there

yes the war between the ears is familiar to me also

reaching out is a good start.....

welcome

v

Dee74

Welcome teardrop

I think no matter what the drug is, there are some constants - a day one, finding and using support , and making the changes you need to to reflect your desire to be clean and sober.

You know that Cherokee saying about how there are two wolves in us all? Feed the good wolf

D

oldsoul1122

If you can think about it like two voices it might help. One cares about you (YOU) and the other doesn't give a damn. It just wants pleasure. After awhile you'll know which one to respond to. I think that's what most addictions are made of.. ambivalence.

Soberwolf

Welcome Teardrops to a really great community

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Teardrops!!

gettingsmarter

Hi Teardrops!

teardrops

I tried posting earlier but had lots of interruptions, so when clicking to post my post, site had already signed me out. I wanted to say I'm not ready to give up but out all seems useless anymore on trying. I get clean today, months from now, a year from now I'll be right back using again. It's just how I feel at the moment, know my train of thoughts are not what it should be. So my apologizes. Not sure anymore if talking things out will even help. I appreciate all the replys, thank you.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope the support here can help you get off the pills for good.

doggonecarl

I would guess in previous attempts, all you did was quit using. Abstinence from you drug of choice (DOC). But you always went back. The addiction was too strong.

The long term solution is recovery. Learning to live and love a life free from drugs.

Have you thought about Narcotics Anonymous? Out Patient care? Rehab? Addiction Specialist?

teardrops

I've thought about it, but it's a no go for me. The reason I choose pills as my drug of choice is because I can hide it. I've done counseling, have over the past year, I'm not now. But I've had to keep that secret, only a very few people knew. The counseling wasn't for addiction, though it was brought up a few times. It was more for depression and getting down to the core of my problems and dealing with my past.

Afraid I'm on my own, and I already know how that ends.

doggonecarl

why? Because you don't want people to know. Not sure who's afraid...you or your addiction.

Secrecy is the darkness in which addiction blooms. That should be scarier than who might know. Plus, there is no shame in recovery. Can the same be said about your addiction?

Obladi

Hey, teardrops, I went to counseling too but not for addiction. It helped me with a lot of stuff but didn't help me to stop my habit.

How come treatment is a no-go for you?

lesly

Hi Teardrops, sounds to me like you want to quit, but on the fence. You'll get there, just takes some time...but by being on this site you've already taken the first step. You can do this

teardrops

There is some truth to that, mean who want anyone to know this about yourself. But no, that's not it.

[/QUOTE] Not sure who's afraid...you or your addiction. [/QUOTE]

Both

[/QUOTE]Secrecy is the darkness in which addiction blooms. [/QUOTE]

It really is, and it steadily eats away at you.

teardrops

Same here. Know there are probably many around here that would understand but it's something I don't want to get into at the moment. Hope you understand .

teardrops

At the moment feels like I'm on this never ending roller coaster ride that at the moment has sped up and there is no where to get off. I tired of trying, yet there is a lot at stake. Can't sleep when I should be sleeping, sleeping when I shouldn't. I'm not being where I'm suppose to be at times. Taking forever to get anything done because I'm groggy from the pills I've taken and time they where off I'm already taking something to help me get together to get things done. I know right from wrong and it's getting to me, know I got to fight but don't want fight anymore. I'm trying to figure it out all out.