Missing out ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Missing out ?
We were discussing this in the November class at the back end of last week.
I'd ducked out of a birthday celebration of one of our friends but the wife had gone along, I'd offered to drop her off and pick her up and had felt earlier in the day i was perhaps missing out.
Finally realised just what little I was missing when I got to where she was at the end of the evening, I sat outside the place on the road in my car and it was booming to the point I could feel the car vibrating - that kind of place has never really been the wife's cup of tea but it certainly "was" mine, "was" being the operative word !! there was no sense of missing out at all, in fact I sat there thinking no thank you I can't even hear myself think out here - never thought I'd ever hear myself say that, I've spent the best part of 30 years bouncing round such places off my head on one thing or another but just realised it really is over and I've actually grown up :-)
When the wife came out she looked a little fed up to be honest, quite a few of the group would have been on coke / ecstasy etc and that's a scene she's never been into at all, partly why we've led a lot of our married life with me doing my own thing - so many of the arguments down the years due to my drug use, no doubt I would have been sneaking off thro the night and seen nothing of her at all - more concerned about enjoying myself and getting drugged up than ever taking care of her and looking out for her, she always used to say it was like going out on her own whenever we were out, it really was all about me, me, me and how hammered I could get from moment one as far as I was concerned.
Finally realised just how lucky I am to have such a caring and loving wife by my side - I've done everything possible to try and push her away in my quest to keep the party going but she's stood by me through it all and when I truly was at my lowest point was still there for me and didn't kick me whilst down.
For so long the drink and drugs have masked the true me and I turned in to someone I really didn't like at all - the lies and deceit was never ending, I got lost in it all and became someone I really didn't know or in the end like but I just couldn't stop and didn't want to - so glad the point came after the last binge in November and worried for my own sanity that I truly came to my senses and realised what a mess it had all become through my reluctance to face upto the problems with drink and drugs.
One of our friends asked has he turned boring then, something that had been joked about in the past regarding a previous stint of abstinence (fitness), my wife said she turned and just said no, I feel like I've got back the person I first met.
I really do believe that she has saved me from myself and where I was going, into a deep dark hole, something I'll never forget and intend to make it up to her with the future she deserves.
The big time charlie attitude has gone, I had this crazy sense that I really was somebody important, as my counsellor pointed out when I first reached out for help that I was a legend in my own mind - deluded of course, plenty of friends telling me I was a legend always getting the party started and because I was so far gone half the time but yet still able to function and carry on with a reasonable amount of success I guess I actually began to believe it - laughable now to think of it !!! Funnily enough the only person who never told me anything of the sort was my wife - she was the one who put up with all the crap from me !!
I truly don't want to be that person anymore I'm really not interested in trying to impress friends or more so complete strangers - the only 2 people that truly matter are my wife and daughter and as long as I am making them happy then that's where my future happiness lies too.
Without sobriety I will never be the real me and that truly would be missing out !!
I'd ducked out of a birthday celebration of one of our friends but the wife had gone along, I'd offered to drop her off and pick her up and had felt earlier in the day i was perhaps missing out.
Finally realised just what little I was missing when I got to where she was at the end of the evening, I sat outside the place on the road in my car and it was booming to the point I could feel the car vibrating - that kind of place has never really been the wife's cup of tea but it certainly "was" mine, "was" being the operative word !! there was no sense of missing out at all, in fact I sat there thinking no thank you I can't even hear myself think out here - never thought I'd ever hear myself say that, I've spent the best part of 30 years bouncing round such places off my head on one thing or another but just realised it really is over and I've actually grown up :-)
When the wife came out she looked a little fed up to be honest, quite a few of the group would have been on coke / ecstasy etc and that's a scene she's never been into at all, partly why we've led a lot of our married life with me doing my own thing - so many of the arguments down the years due to my drug use, no doubt I would have been sneaking off thro the night and seen nothing of her at all - more concerned about enjoying myself and getting drugged up than ever taking care of her and looking out for her, she always used to say it was like going out on her own whenever we were out, it really was all about me, me, me and how hammered I could get from moment one as far as I was concerned.
Finally realised just how lucky I am to have such a caring and loving wife by my side - I've done everything possible to try and push her away in my quest to keep the party going but she's stood by me through it all and when I truly was at my lowest point was still there for me and didn't kick me whilst down.
For so long the drink and drugs have masked the true me and I turned in to someone I really didn't like at all - the lies and deceit was never ending, I got lost in it all and became someone I really didn't know or in the end like but I just couldn't stop and didn't want to - so glad the point came after the last binge in November and worried for my own sanity that I truly came to my senses and realised what a mess it had all become through my reluctance to face upto the problems with drink and drugs.
One of our friends asked has he turned boring then, something that had been joked about in the past regarding a previous stint of abstinence (fitness), my wife said she turned and just said no, I feel like I've got back the person I first met.
I really do believe that she has saved me from myself and where I was going, into a deep dark hole, something I'll never forget and intend to make it up to her with the future she deserves.
The big time charlie attitude has gone, I had this crazy sense that I really was somebody important, as my counsellor pointed out when I first reached out for help that I was a legend in my own mind - deluded of course, plenty of friends telling me I was a legend always getting the party started and because I was so far gone half the time but yet still able to function and carry on with a reasonable amount of success I guess I actually began to believe it - laughable now to think of it !!! Funnily enough the only person who never told me anything of the sort was my wife - she was the one who put up with all the crap from me !!
I truly don't want to be that person anymore I'm really not interested in trying to impress friends or more so complete strangers - the only 2 people that truly matter are my wife and daughter and as long as I am making them happy then that's where my future happiness lies too.
Without sobriety I will never be the real me and that truly would be missing out !!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
That's a huge attitude shift Andy, and a great sign you will be successful.
Your family sounds wonderful, and you are lucky to have them,
but it sounds like they are lucky to have the real you back.
Take some pride in that man--it's quite an accomplishment to
step back from the drinking and drugs and find yourself again.
Your family sounds wonderful, and you are lucky to have them,
but it sounds like they are lucky to have the real you back.
Take some pride in that man--it's quite an accomplishment to
step back from the drinking and drugs and find yourself again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 923
What a fabulously uplifting post.
It sounds like you're not only "acting" differently but also "thinking" differently now.
It seams like the process is coming to you organically Andy which surely augers well for permanent change?
You should be proud of yourself!
I am feeling a tad sorrowful for your friends. It's possible that some of them will never get it or get it too late.
It sounds like you're not only "acting" differently but also "thinking" differently now.
It seams like the process is coming to you organically Andy which surely augers well for permanent change?
You should be proud of yourself!
I am feeling a tad sorrowful for your friends. It's possible that some of them will never get it or get it too late.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Newfoundland
Posts: 365
Excellent post, man
My gf told me recently how us going out on the town was so stressful for her because either I'd pick a fight, or just ignore her completely and focus solely on getting more drinks, and getting more coke. I'm lucky she's still around
FOMO ( fear of missing out) has been somthing that has taken a lot of work to dispel
All the best!
My gf told me recently how us going out on the town was so stressful for her because either I'd pick a fight, or just ignore her completely and focus solely on getting more drinks, and getting more coke. I'm lucky she's still around
FOMO ( fear of missing out) has been somthing that has taken a lot of work to dispel
All the best!
Resident Awesome Guy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
AWESOME!
I still enjoy that scene and I laugh at the people who need to get sideways to go. It is also funny to see their faces when the ask what I'm on and I tell them I am high on life!!!
I still enjoy that scene and I laugh at the people who need to get sideways to go. It is also funny to see their faces when the ask what I'm on and I tell them I am high on life!!!
I'm a big fan of the guitar. I love that damn instrument. - Steve Vai
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 46
Great post!
Insight's a wonderful thing. Perhaps we're all on a journey of learning to see ourselves and others as we really are. The Dalai Lama wrote a book about that.
Blessings!
Insight's a wonderful thing. Perhaps we're all on a journey of learning to see ourselves and others as we really are. The Dalai Lama wrote a book about that.
Blessings!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Thanks all, I appreciate the replies, I knew I had to sort things out from my day 1, I couldn't continue on the path I was taking for much longer and have been so determined to make this work for myself and my family no matter how difficult it may get at times, the inspiration for complete change and a realisation that sobriety was / is the only way forward has come from this site, I've learned and taken so much from so many on here in the past few months and realised that it's not all plain sailing but most of all its not just me feeling this way and that there is support here when needed too, I'm developing a greater understanding all round and getting to the root of the problems and what is required to be a better person.
ST - as Hawkeye said it sounds like we are both lucky to still have them by our side but the best thing is we have recognised that too and agreed FOMO has been very hard to deal with, as Tufty posted on our November class the other day though - none of it is real, it's just an escape and one that we've done a thousand times, it's seemed like it was all so real to me though and what I was always chasing with any drink or drug.
C23 - I'll be honest since day one I cannot even listen to any of the music I associate with the rave scene, I won't lie I enjoyed it immensely and in those moments which were many it was my total escape, there is the fear of it making me want to return to those states of oblivion that I was always in - fair play to you if you can still enjoy that side of life in sobriety but for me I needed to make the break completely and remove any temptation and reminders at all.
ST - as Hawkeye said it sounds like we are both lucky to still have them by our side but the best thing is we have recognised that too and agreed FOMO has been very hard to deal with, as Tufty posted on our November class the other day though - none of it is real, it's just an escape and one that we've done a thousand times, it's seemed like it was all so real to me though and what I was always chasing with any drink or drug.
C23 - I'll be honest since day one I cannot even listen to any of the music I associate with the rave scene, I won't lie I enjoyed it immensely and in those moments which were many it was my total escape, there is the fear of it making me want to return to those states of oblivion that I was always in - fair play to you if you can still enjoy that side of life in sobriety but for me I needed to make the break completely and remove any temptation and reminders at all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 74
Such a good story to hear. I have spent so many years being selfish and irresponsible. Though I feel I've been a good parent I could have been so much better and treated people who love me with more respect and making them my priority-rather than spending a night getting out of my face, being an idiot in front of people who don't even care/like me and not even recalling most of it in the morning. Even feeling ashamed of my behaviour the next day and not being able to deal with it so twisting things and actually blaming it on my boyfriend! I am glad you are experiencing the positives of being sober, can't wait to feel them too.
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