8 years ... Blew it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 8
8 years ... Blew it
1st post .. So be gentle
I hit rock bottom and stopped drinking on 27 07 07. Usual story I was a fat unhealthy depressed drunk and I'd had enough so stopped cold turkey. I swapped my addiction to running and getting fit. I lost 10kg ... Ran daily ... Completed a half marathon then several marathons. I used my fitness focus as my excuse to everyone why I stopped drinking. Everyone knew me as loving a good drink .. So I changed my complete self and became the fitness and health freak.
Sobriety after the initial year was easy for me. It just wasn't an issue. I was always too scared to drink and didn't touch a drop. I'd totally reinvented myself and it was easy.
It became even easier when I emigrated to Australia after the 1st few years so all my new friends didn't know the old me and just accepted that I was a non drinker. I was cured ... Drinking wasn't an issue anymore.
So what changed ? .... I was made redundant and had to accept a job overseas. I went without my family and in particular my wife who is my rock. I became lonely and depressed and one Saturday night in February last year whilst sitting alone eating pizza I thought ... I could really go a beer ! I wonder if I could drink normally after 8 years !
So for the remainder of my 6 months overseas I drank. I pretty much went straight back to drinking every night. My behavior changed and I did things that I shouldn't have. On one of my visits home I couldn't resist drinking on the long haul flight and stupidly thought my wife wouldn't notice. She knew as soon as I stepped in the car.
So for the remainder of my assignment I drank merrily and lived the single life. I'd stopped excercising, was eating badly and drank beer and wine every day. Now the problem was that everyone knew me as a non drinker so it became increasingly difficult to hide hangovers and smells. In the end I'm sure my boss suspected as I guess I would have smelled each morning and I ate mints constantly.
So I returned to Australia and got a new job in April last year. Life was great ... New job, no money worries ... Back with family and friends. On my return I vowed not to drink while home. This worked up until in my new job I had my 1st overseas trip. Checked in at the airport then went straight to the bar which then led to a week of booze again. This then meant that each time I went overseas I had 'permission to drink' as I'd simply stop again when I got back in the country.
Wrong ! ... It crept back in. I eventually started drinking vodka as it didn't smell. Over the last 4 months my intake has steadily increased to the point I'm on half a liter of vodka a night. I have the occasional night off but I seem to be able to function with minimal hangovers with this amount. Again the problem is everyone knows me as a non drinker. At New Year's Eve I got really drunk and my daughter who's never seen me drink thought I'd had a stroke. My wife has been fantastic ... 10 years ago at the height of my drinking she went to alenon. So she's very understanding and sees it as a disease and that it's not me.
So January has been anything but dry but made the call that Feb1 is the date for me.
So guys ... Today is the day. I drank last night ... Overindulged .... Phoned in sick to work this morning and now spending the day with my wife planning how to get my life back. Healthy eating ... Getting fit and getting back to the skinny non drinker I was.
Not doing the AA thing as I did it cold turkey before but would love an online sponsor or someone to bounce stuff with if there are any volunteers.
😉 wish me luck
I hit rock bottom and stopped drinking on 27 07 07. Usual story I was a fat unhealthy depressed drunk and I'd had enough so stopped cold turkey. I swapped my addiction to running and getting fit. I lost 10kg ... Ran daily ... Completed a half marathon then several marathons. I used my fitness focus as my excuse to everyone why I stopped drinking. Everyone knew me as loving a good drink .. So I changed my complete self and became the fitness and health freak.
Sobriety after the initial year was easy for me. It just wasn't an issue. I was always too scared to drink and didn't touch a drop. I'd totally reinvented myself and it was easy.
It became even easier when I emigrated to Australia after the 1st few years so all my new friends didn't know the old me and just accepted that I was a non drinker. I was cured ... Drinking wasn't an issue anymore.
So what changed ? .... I was made redundant and had to accept a job overseas. I went without my family and in particular my wife who is my rock. I became lonely and depressed and one Saturday night in February last year whilst sitting alone eating pizza I thought ... I could really go a beer ! I wonder if I could drink normally after 8 years !
So for the remainder of my 6 months overseas I drank. I pretty much went straight back to drinking every night. My behavior changed and I did things that I shouldn't have. On one of my visits home I couldn't resist drinking on the long haul flight and stupidly thought my wife wouldn't notice. She knew as soon as I stepped in the car.
So for the remainder of my assignment I drank merrily and lived the single life. I'd stopped excercising, was eating badly and drank beer and wine every day. Now the problem was that everyone knew me as a non drinker so it became increasingly difficult to hide hangovers and smells. In the end I'm sure my boss suspected as I guess I would have smelled each morning and I ate mints constantly.
So I returned to Australia and got a new job in April last year. Life was great ... New job, no money worries ... Back with family and friends. On my return I vowed not to drink while home. This worked up until in my new job I had my 1st overseas trip. Checked in at the airport then went straight to the bar which then led to a week of booze again. This then meant that each time I went overseas I had 'permission to drink' as I'd simply stop again when I got back in the country.
Wrong ! ... It crept back in. I eventually started drinking vodka as it didn't smell. Over the last 4 months my intake has steadily increased to the point I'm on half a liter of vodka a night. I have the occasional night off but I seem to be able to function with minimal hangovers with this amount. Again the problem is everyone knows me as a non drinker. At New Year's Eve I got really drunk and my daughter who's never seen me drink thought I'd had a stroke. My wife has been fantastic ... 10 years ago at the height of my drinking she went to alenon. So she's very understanding and sees it as a disease and that it's not me.
So January has been anything but dry but made the call that Feb1 is the date for me.
So guys ... Today is the day. I drank last night ... Overindulged .... Phoned in sick to work this morning and now spending the day with my wife planning how to get my life back. Healthy eating ... Getting fit and getting back to the skinny non drinker I was.
Not doing the AA thing as I did it cold turkey before but would love an online sponsor or someone to bounce stuff with if there are any volunteers.
😉 wish me luck
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to the family. 
When I started drinking in 07 I blew 20 yrs sobriety. 
It took me a while to get back on the sober path, but I never gave up and drew strength from the members here. Now I'm over six years and happy again.
You can get a good life back but it will take some effort and changes. Lean on us, we're here to support you.
When I started drinking in 07 I blew 20 yrs sobriety. 
It took me a while to get back on the sober path, but I never gave up and drew strength from the members here. Now I'm over six years and happy again. You can get a good life back but it will take some effort and changes. Lean on us, we're here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 13
I am finally realizing that I can't drink at all. I can go a couple of weeks without drinking and can sometimes just have 1-3 drinks with friends. Lately every time I drink I get loaded at feel totally freaked out and awful the next day. I have been substituting dancing as a fun out let but now my knee is out. I guess that's the bad part of using exercise as a cure
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
Posts: 3,938
Welcome Lofty. I did the same thing after 9 years. ...thought I could drink like a regular person. Same thing, back to where I'd started pretty quickly. I was miserable. Then 2 years ago I stumbled upon SR. It's been my only support and has kept me from drinking. In the beginning I was on here often. You can do it ....it's surely possible, you can get your life back. Read and post often.
On the road of happy destiny
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: OHIO
Posts: 210
We have very similar stories! I had about six years. Did several half marathons then a full marathon and thought, look how disciplined I am! Surely I can handle a couple beers.
You know the derailment story. I called into work two weeks ago because I was too hungover to go in. I said, enough is enough.
This isn't about self-discipline, I'm realizing. We are not wired quite right. Which sucks, but hey, it is what it is.
I'm finding the second round to be easier. One, if you can survive mile 23 in a marathon, you can survive a craving. They pass quicker than a marathon! Two, I know a bit more of what to expect. Three, I'm honestly starting to get that it's not about "handling a couple beers." I actually can drink a couple beers without immediately derailing, but it's sort of like how the Titanic can hit an iceberg without instantly sinking. It's a long, slow, sneaky sink, but you're going down regardless.
Welcome back! You got this!
You know the derailment story. I called into work two weeks ago because I was too hungover to go in. I said, enough is enough.
This isn't about self-discipline, I'm realizing. We are not wired quite right. Which sucks, but hey, it is what it is.
I'm finding the second round to be easier. One, if you can survive mile 23 in a marathon, you can survive a craving. They pass quicker than a marathon! Two, I know a bit more of what to expect. Three, I'm honestly starting to get that it's not about "handling a couple beers." I actually can drink a couple beers without immediately derailing, but it's sort of like how the Titanic can hit an iceberg without instantly sinking. It's a long, slow, sneaky sink, but you're going down regardless.
Welcome back! You got this!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
The most I've had is five years, but I look back and could just kick myself for letting it go.
One thought, though...we know we CAN and that's so valuable. How many first timers here post that they're so unsure of whether they can do this? We know.
So there's no excuse, really. It's time.
One thought, though...we know we CAN and that's so valuable. How many first timers here post that they're so unsure of whether they can do this? We know.
So there's no excuse, really. It's time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 8
Thanks for the support folks !
Your right ... I know I can do it coz I've done it before. And I also know how good I felt when I didn't drink !
Getting through the 1st few days and the 1st week is the focus !
Your right ... I know I can do it coz I've done it before. And I also know how good I felt when I didn't drink !
Getting through the 1st few days and the 1st week is the focus !
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Just a word or two of caution, LP. I drank for about three years following twenty five years without drinking. It was so difficult for me to put down the drink during those three years, even though the walls started falling in all around me. I loved drinking, loved the buzz, and loved getting drunk. My drinking was much worse than it had ever been before I got sober the first time around. As many people here know, I lost everything. For a second time.
I suffered through job loss, alienation from my friends and family, my XGF changing the locks, becoming unemployed and virtually unemployable, broke and in debt, and my health slipping badly. I saw all of this happening, and predicted that these things would happen, even while I was drinking. Knowing this didn't help me to stop. I was resigned to dying as an active alcoholic and, as my losses mounted, there were times when I prayed for that day.
Knowing that I could get sober didn't help me to stop. I knew I was an alcoholic and that drinking would kill me. I knew that I would end up in the street. I knew that I was ruining my personal and professional reputation. But I refused to get help. I didn't need help, because I wasn't interested in stopping. I used knowing that I could stop as permission to continue drinking "until things got really bad." Yet, when it came to that, I continued drinking. It was, in fact, "really bad" all along.
I only stopped because I could no longer care for myself. I had nothing to do and no place to go. Inpatient detox and rehab, and outpatient treatment were all paid for by the state. AA was, well, AA. I didn't have anything better to do, so I was extremely involved in my recovery, even though it was a superficial, halfhearted attempt early on. My plan was to get back on my feet, start working again, and then resume my drinking. I was miserable for most of the first year of sobriety the second time around. I had intense, daily cravings. The year-long outpatient treatment facility I was in tested my urine frequently because I never hesitated to talk about my cravings. I missed a group session one day due to transportation difficulties, and they all but put out an APB alert for me, and there were plenty of messages on my phone when I checked it that evening. They called me on the carpet for that, and then upped the frequency of breathalyzers and urine tests.
Things only changed for me when I started to take my recovery seriously. I learned that I had nothing left to lose in attempting to live a better life. The worst thing that could happen, excluding death, had already happened. I was tired of hearing my own inner voice telling me how miserable I was because I wasn't drinking. There was no turning point, bright light or key moment for me. In retrospect, it was all about taking actions to get myself sober, even when I was at first, and for a long time, reluctant to get sober. We don't always know what's going to "work" for us, even when it's something we've done before with success. Or failure. I wasn't the same person as I was the first time I got sober, so I took on as much help as I could get.
The act itself of reaching out for help can be therapeutic. The more we do it, the easier it gets, and the more help we get. We tend to overrate our ability to make good decisions around how we're going to get sober when we're still drinking or newly sober, or about what is and isn't "right" for us. I was so close to dying -- and, internally, I was already gone -- that I got all the help I could stand.
One of the best failures I've experienced was that I was no longer capable of acting on my plan to get back up on my feet and resume drinking. I don't know what will "work" for you or anyone else. I only learned what worked for me by doing whatever was necessary in order get and then stay sober.
I suffered through job loss, alienation from my friends and family, my XGF changing the locks, becoming unemployed and virtually unemployable, broke and in debt, and my health slipping badly. I saw all of this happening, and predicted that these things would happen, even while I was drinking. Knowing this didn't help me to stop. I was resigned to dying as an active alcoholic and, as my losses mounted, there were times when I prayed for that day.
Knowing that I could get sober didn't help me to stop. I knew I was an alcoholic and that drinking would kill me. I knew that I would end up in the street. I knew that I was ruining my personal and professional reputation. But I refused to get help. I didn't need help, because I wasn't interested in stopping. I used knowing that I could stop as permission to continue drinking "until things got really bad." Yet, when it came to that, I continued drinking. It was, in fact, "really bad" all along.
I only stopped because I could no longer care for myself. I had nothing to do and no place to go. Inpatient detox and rehab, and outpatient treatment were all paid for by the state. AA was, well, AA. I didn't have anything better to do, so I was extremely involved in my recovery, even though it was a superficial, halfhearted attempt early on. My plan was to get back on my feet, start working again, and then resume my drinking. I was miserable for most of the first year of sobriety the second time around. I had intense, daily cravings. The year-long outpatient treatment facility I was in tested my urine frequently because I never hesitated to talk about my cravings. I missed a group session one day due to transportation difficulties, and they all but put out an APB alert for me, and there were plenty of messages on my phone when I checked it that evening. They called me on the carpet for that, and then upped the frequency of breathalyzers and urine tests.
Things only changed for me when I started to take my recovery seriously. I learned that I had nothing left to lose in attempting to live a better life. The worst thing that could happen, excluding death, had already happened. I was tired of hearing my own inner voice telling me how miserable I was because I wasn't drinking. There was no turning point, bright light or key moment for me. In retrospect, it was all about taking actions to get myself sober, even when I was at first, and for a long time, reluctant to get sober. We don't always know what's going to "work" for us, even when it's something we've done before with success. Or failure. I wasn't the same person as I was the first time I got sober, so I took on as much help as I could get.
The act itself of reaching out for help can be therapeutic. The more we do it, the easier it gets, and the more help we get. We tend to overrate our ability to make good decisions around how we're going to get sober when we're still drinking or newly sober, or about what is and isn't "right" for us. I was so close to dying -- and, internally, I was already gone -- that I got all the help I could stand.
One of the best failures I've experienced was that I was no longer capable of acting on my plan to get back up on my feet and resume drinking. I don't know what will "work" for you or anyone else. I only learned what worked for me by doing whatever was necessary in order get and then stay sober.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Not doing the AA thing as I did it cold turkey before but would love an online sponsor or someone to bounce stuff with if there are any volunteers.
I would disagree that your previous approach was successful. You stayed sober for 8 years which is a very good thing but you went back to drinking. The problem for most of us is not the quitting it is the staying quit. It was not until I fully embraced AA that I can honestly say I have quit forever
I would disagree that your previous approach was successful. You stayed sober for 8 years which is a very good thing but you went back to drinking. The problem for most of us is not the quitting it is the staying quit. It was not until I fully embraced AA that I can honestly say I have quit forever
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Welcome Lofty
You'll find a lot of support here and as you can see some top notch advice
Alcoholism is progressive - it's really important not to underestimate the task.
Getting healthy is great but it may not address your drinking.
There is some great info here on making a recovery plan:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
You'll find a lot of support here and as you can see some top notch advice
Alcoholism is progressive - it's really important not to underestimate the task.
Getting healthy is great but it may not address your drinking.
There is some great info here on making a recovery plan:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
This is a very powerful message. Thanks for sharing it. Today marks my 3-week sober anniversary -- the longest I've gone in 15 years. I know my commitment has to be forever. Not months or years, but forever.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, Lofty! It's good to have you here. As frustrating and demoralizing as it must be to stumble with that much sober time it sounds like you're taking the necessary steps to get your life back. It's good to have you with us!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Thanks for sharing, lofty.... and welcome.
I gently encourage you to consider that 'what worked before' might not now that you've slid further down...
I also encourage you a bit less gently to consider that 'what worked before' didn't. Or you wouldn't be where you are now.
I gently encourage you to consider that 'what worked before' might not now that you've slid further down...
I also encourage you a bit less gently to consider that 'what worked before' didn't. Or you wouldn't be where you are now.
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