I love my husband more than anything..
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by Anna 
McFlurry, learning to say 'No' was the single most important thing I did in early recovery. I would have said no to pouring the drinks and no to the board game. You owe it to yourself to do what you need to do and to care for yourself. Your husband will do or not do as he pleases, and in my opinion, you shouldn't spend a minute more worrying about it. Focus on your recovery.
Reality...what a concept!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 1,232
Mcflurry I can totally relate to your struggles. When I decided to quit drinking I took all the alcohol I could find in the house and put it in boxes then asked my H to remove them and any other alcohol I may not know about. He removed what I found, but then I found some that he kept. Not sure why I didn't get rid of it then and there; I guess at the time I was not as convinced of the hold alcohol held on me - and eventually I ended up lapsing.
So you are AWESOME for staying strong even in the face of such strong temptation! My H still doesn't think I am an alcoholic either, and gets angry when I go to AA meetings because he has never been to one and doesn't think I am "one of those people"...but I am.
I would recommend you ask your H to help you by keeping a "dry" home. If he refuses, then tell him you will no longer serve alcohol to him or guests, and if he insists on doing so, you will either leave the house or retire to another room until he is done. If he cannot accept any of those conditions you should go to counseling.
Your recovery needs to be your first priority. Good luck - we can do this!
So you are AWESOME for staying strong even in the face of such strong temptation! My H still doesn't think I am an alcoholic either, and gets angry when I go to AA meetings because he has never been to one and doesn't think I am "one of those people"...but I am.
I would recommend you ask your H to help you by keeping a "dry" home. If he refuses, then tell him you will no longer serve alcohol to him or guests, and if he insists on doing so, you will either leave the house or retire to another room until he is done. If he cannot accept any of those conditions you should go to counseling.
Your recovery needs to be your first priority. Good luck - we can do this!
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
I have only read your first post here and not had the time to read through the thread so sorry if I am off topic but on reading your situation I find it worrying, disappointing and shocking that an A and E Dr does not understand more about alcoholism, its roots and treatment. Especially an A and E Dr.
His attitude towards your problem is naive and insensitive. Almost provocation when he kisses you having drank wine himself.
Start to stand up for yourself. He needs to start to educate himself on what the journey you are embarking on entails and to support you at every step.
You say that the idea of him not drinking alongside you has fallen by the wayside? Does he maybe have a problem too that he would not admit to himself? Or that he does not care and respect you enough to make an effort for you at least in these early days? He sounds pretty selfish.
You are doing the right thing getting sober. But do it for yourself first and foremost rather than for him. You will get a lot of support and wisdom from members here so stay close.
We are with you. Good luck!!!!!!! xx
His attitude towards your problem is naive and insensitive. Almost provocation when he kisses you having drank wine himself.
Start to stand up for yourself. He needs to start to educate himself on what the journey you are embarking on entails and to support you at every step.
You say that the idea of him not drinking alongside you has fallen by the wayside? Does he maybe have a problem too that he would not admit to himself? Or that he does not care and respect you enough to make an effort for you at least in these early days? He sounds pretty selfish.
You are doing the right thing getting sober. But do it for yourself first and foremost rather than for him. You will get a lot of support and wisdom from members here so stay close.
We are with you. Good luck!!!!!!! xx
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 292
Originally Posted by Fabat50
I have only read your first post here and not had the time to read through the thread so sorry if I am off topic but on reading your situation I find it worrying, disappointing and shocking that an A and E Dr does not understand more about alcoholism, its roots and treatment. Especially an A and E Dr.
I'm a GP myself and like to think I have a much better understanding of alcoholism. But that could be because I've got some first hand experience
So had a chat with husband tonight- mixed results. He's very blunt and to the point, so sometimes comes across as being an arse to those who don't know him but I think his heart's in the right place.
In his ideal world I would just stop drinking and he would carry on as normal. He said he hates it when I drink, as he doesn't know if I'm going to have too much or not, and he would feel much happier if I just didn't. His words: 'You're not addicted, why's it such a big deal. It's up to you if you drink or not, but I ain't sticking around if you keep getting smashed- I'm not having a liability alcoholic wife.' It's like his tactics seem to be to scare me into not drinking!
I said that I did want to stop, but needed his help/support/encouragement rather than scare tactics. And that while I am fortunate enough not to experience the horrors of physical addiction and withdrawal, I do have significant psychological dependency, which does make me an 'alcoholic wife' depending on your definition. If I didn't, quitting would be easy!!
He seems to realise that he was a bit harsh. He said he didn't want us to become antisocial and not invite people to the house just because I wasn't drinking. I said I was happy to have people over, and if they wanted to drink they could bring their own drinks, but I would really appreciate it if husband could stay sober with me, at least while I am around in these early weeks/months.
He doesn't seem particularly happy about that but he has apologised for the previous evening and said he will stay sober with me.
On a brighter note, met an alcoholic patient today at work who at his worst had been drinking 1.5 litres vodka daily. He had been sober for 5 years and turned his life around. I'm glad to be here and doing this with all of you
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
Hi Mc Flurry
I am really pleased that you had a good talk with him and that he is going to be more supportive of you. Let's hope he carries through his words with his actions. He does not sound overly convinced at the moment but try not to let him, or anyone, influence what you need to do.
Keep us posted on your progress. Will be rooting for you.
xx
(Interesting your observations about A and E medical staff. I was going to say first of all that maybe it is cultural depending on countries but I think from re reading the terminology in your posts you are in UK right? I have a close family member who works in a large A and E unit, he goes on emergency calls with the ambulance and helicopter, and he always speaks so considerately and knowledgably about his work where drugs and alcohol are concerned. I guess because he is often dealing with emergencies "in situ" where families are around rather than clinical emergencies in the hospital situation. )
I am really pleased that you had a good talk with him and that he is going to be more supportive of you. Let's hope he carries through his words with his actions. He does not sound overly convinced at the moment but try not to let him, or anyone, influence what you need to do.
Keep us posted on your progress. Will be rooting for you.
xx
(Interesting your observations about A and E medical staff. I was going to say first of all that maybe it is cultural depending on countries but I think from re reading the terminology in your posts you are in UK right? I have a close family member who works in a large A and E unit, he goes on emergency calls with the ambulance and helicopter, and he always speaks so considerately and knowledgably about his work where drugs and alcohol are concerned. I guess because he is often dealing with emergencies "in situ" where families are around rather than clinical emergencies in the hospital situation. )
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Have you sat him down and actually explained that regardless of his opinion you have a problem and you need his help to do this.
I have never ever drank around my X husband who is an alcoholic. I would have never. He needed my support. It did not help him that I did not, but I have no doubt that doing so would have made it even harder and would have been the wrong thing to do.
I hope you keep up your own good work. Be proud. It's hard and you are doing it!
I have never ever drank around my X husband who is an alcoholic. I would have never. He needed my support. It did not help him that I did not, but I have no doubt that doing so would have made it even harder and would have been the wrong thing to do.
I hope you keep up your own good work. Be proud. It's hard and you are doing it!
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Anna
McFlurry, learning to say 'No' was the single most important thing I did in early recovery. I would have said no to pouring the drinks and no to the board game. You owe it to yourself to do what you need to do and to care for yourself. Your husband will do or not do as he pleases, and in my opinion, you shouldn't spend a minute more worrying about it. Focus on your recovery.
Good advice, this!! Take care of yourself, McFlurry...no one else can or will.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Awww, mcflurry, what a horrible night. I'm so sorry. It sounds like your husband thinks that it's as easy to say no to a glass of proseco as it is to brush your teeth. Being an ER doc, he's probably seen some pretty horrific situations involving drugs/alcohol and thinks you're not "like that." The thing is, most of us who abuse alcohol aren't "like that." We're your neighbor, your son's teacher, your co-worker, even your good friend. Your husband thinks you occasionally drink too much and doesn't understand why it's such a big deal to say no to alcohol, because you're not, in his mind, an alcoholic. You might need to see an addiction counselor together so he can "get it." As a physician, he needs to know about this stuff anyway.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I'm not having a liability alcoholic wife
aha! the reason why he doesn't ACCEPT that you have a REAL drinking problem is because then he would have an ALCOHOLIC WIFE and he fears the label. thus why he says just suck it up, its no big deal. he seems more concerned about your SOCIAL life (and status????) than he does about YOU and your good health.
interesting that he STILL refuses to NOT drink around you or at home.....
really sorry he isn't oozing support as he ought. but now you know the lay of the land and can build your support system without him as a key piece. you CAN do this.
aha! the reason why he doesn't ACCEPT that you have a REAL drinking problem is because then he would have an ALCOHOLIC WIFE and he fears the label. thus why he says just suck it up, its no big deal. he seems more concerned about your SOCIAL life (and status????) than he does about YOU and your good health.
interesting that he STILL refuses to NOT drink around you or at home.....
really sorry he isn't oozing support as he ought. but now you know the lay of the land and can build your support system without him as a key piece. you CAN do this.
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