mrhodes01

Hi all. I once poked my head in here when desperate a few months ago, and now I'm back. I'm in a strange spot; I don't drink like I used to, but it's still a huge problem for me, especially when I'm dry. Usually, I drink heavily (but not three-day benders like the old days) for a night and then nothing for a week or two. But my inability to function in between is maddening. I nearly ruined my career this week, and I couldn't directly blame alcohol for the decision (I hadn't drank for about a week before I called and took a job I'd previously declined, across the country). I was livid. I had a job promotion lined up here, and I find out if that's gone for good in an hour or so. I've worked my ass off, taking finance exams and the GMAT, going above and beyond in my current job, etc. for this promotion, and because I couldn't think straight and just wanted to run away from my life because I was tired and wanting a drink, I nearly lost everything. Luckily, my boss is great (supported me over the years through various rehab attempts) and I still have my current job, and I've burned the bridge to the out-of-town job by turning it down after accepting. But I was miserable since I took it (a week ago)--rage, high anxiety, panic attacks, literally didn't sleep for four days. Even in my worst drinking days I'd never had a day as bad as each of the last five have been. Had to go to emergency psychiatry to get a prescription for sleeping pills, and now they suggest I have serious anxiety/depression in addition to alcoholism. Ouch. So I gotta stay put and deal with all this, I know, but I also don't want to jeopardize what I've worked so hard for.

Everything has gone well for me over the past two years. Previous to that, I was 10 months sober, though it was a dry drunk for the last 8. Then I drank heavily off and on, but never had huge problems. And that's how I justified "just a bit here and there." Fact is, it's always a huge problem, and I know that. I can't even have one drink without risking my life.

Jeez, a babbling alki...ever seen one of those? Thanks for just being around. I look forward to developing a relationship with you folks and not quitting this board. I'm bad at going to meetings and don't dig the 12 steps, so this is going to be my main support system outside of whatever therapy my doc suggests. Peace.

Matty
9 days sober

Dan

Hey! I remember you! Trey Anastasio fan right?
Welcome back Matty. Congratulations on nine days!

mrhodes01

Good memory, Dan. Is that what happens when you don't drink?

Sad to see the boys are broken up for good. I felt like I was too grown up for Vermont, but I wish I could've seen 'em one last time...

Talk to ya soon.

Dan

Slowly but surely, mental faculties are returning
Later man.

Jalyn

Hi Matty,

I am new also and am struggling right along with you. I think the one day at a time thing really has worked for me. I did not have any near misses either, but when I listed all the dumb things I had done after drinking too much and the reasons to stop it was quite humbling.

Glad you are here and congrats on the 9 GREAT days!

Jalyn

Brookie

Hey Matty! Welcome back, and congrats again for your nine days.

I know what you mean. There are days lately that I'm so agitated and preoccupied that I shouldn't even get behind the wheel. I'm told it gets better.

Keep coming back.

Best,
Joe

David 1

Hey Matty - I really appreciated your candor and lack of BS in your post. No excuses, no rationalizations, no justifications for continued drinking. Admitting to the problem is a crucial step.

You are a very insightful person with a lot to share and teach the rest of us - I hope to see more of your posts!

Taking care of yourself now has to be your number 1 priority, and you may also want to see if your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program as a benefit.

I also want to focus on the comment that you made about being bad at attending meetings - hey, anything worthwhile does take work and is not easy. I did not think I needed meetings either and was I ever wrong. Try hard to pick that aspect of your recovery back up and attend meetings regularly!! We need that support!

Take care,

Dave

mrhodes01

Thanks, guys. Dave, you're right, I need to attend meetings. Right now I'm so caught up in my work crap (which I know isn't even that important in the grand scheme of things) that I can't function. I just want to go home and sleep, which is a huge problem since I can't sleep at all. It's not the usual alcoholic depression that fades, so the psychiatrist thought I shold try Celexa. Says it helps with cravings and will keep me from drinking due to blueness, at least while I'm starting back into total sobriety.

Anyone here tried antidepressants before? I took Wellbutrin to quit smoking a while back, and it made me feel very weird. I'm not too into taking drugs to fix my personality, but I've got to get moving in the right direction somehow.

My company does have an EAP, so I'm going to take advantage of that. I hope it'll help me to figure out whether my depression/anxiety is the chicken or the egg, with alcoholism being the other, of course. Cheers, folks. Be happy today.

Suomi Poika

Matty,

Definitely take adavange of any programs your company offers. I paid my own way in an outpatient program, but it was well worth it. After trying on my own for several years to quit, I went through a 12 week program that was great. It was what I needed to get me over that edge. I've since surrounded my self with sober friends, many of whom have been through it all. Friends who've been through it, whether you see them in meetings or in daily life, espeically at work, are absolutely invaluable.

My main concern for you is the Celexa. I'm not a doctor, and I have no medical background. But, I was on Celexa for about a six weeks or so, about three years ago. It had just come out. I will say it got me over a rough period, but it caused its own problems. Maybe they know more about it now.

I never had alchohol withdrawl, but I sure had Celexa withdrawl. Anxiety, flu like, aches, irritability -- it was all there. I blame that on the doctor, but that is a whole nother story.

Talk to your doctor about it. Don't let him stop you cold turkey. If you think he might, save some. I've heard from others who said that they cut them in half and weaned themselves over about a week or two.

Good luck,

Toivo

Anna

Hi Matty,

Welcome back and congratulations on 9 days. Your honesty and frankness is great!

I had depression for many years before I began drinking, in fact I began drinking in part because the depression was not diagnosed or treated correctly. When I finally got the right antidepressant my life changed within a couple of weeks. It's what I needed to be able to stop drinking. Before the medication, I tried and tried and failed every time. I'm not a dr so this is just my experience. I've been on the med for over 4 years and sober for 4 years. I've stopped it a couple of times and had no withdrawls at all, but became depressed again.

It seems that people have different experiences with antidepressants and you should look at that with your dr.

I hope you keep hanging around. You'll find lots of support here.

Anna

mrhodes01

I'm really at my wits' end here. Haven't gotten much sleep in two weeks. Can't stop replaying my stupid work decision in my head, it just keeps racing. Why can I stop worrying about a choice that's done and over for good? I know everything's fine, I'm employed, still got great prospects and my girlfriend, but I feel absolutely empty and lost. Sober 11 days though. Guess that counts for something.

My mind is getting to the point where I think booze is the only thing that will help me sleep. I'm so down that I just hurry home from work and crawl into bed. I can't imagine getting the energy up to get to a meeting. But I'm afraid I might find the energy to get to the corner store.

Please, any advice on stopping a racing mind so I can get some sleep? I'm playing basketball tonight so I'm safe and hopefully it will wear me out. Just want to get home tomorrow and knock myself out for 24 hours. Without rest I can't even start thinking about recovery. My anxiety has me absolutely paralyzed. My muscles are permanently clenched. Man, I gotta shorten up these posts. My apologies.

I'm sure I'll be here tomorrow, suffering thoroughly. Hope some of you are around. Good night.

Dan

Matty, see a physician. Eleven days should, in theory at least, and from my experience with withdrawal, see you gaining at least a measure of relaxation and rest.
And don't apologize for posting.
We all need help. That's why we come here.
The basketball thing is good. Plenty of physical exercize should help you relax.
The racing mind... Man do I remember that.
Try some relaxation techniques. Focus on something soothing.
But please, see your doctor.
I'll be here tomorrow too man.
Goodnight.

3legacy

((((((Matty )))))))
Sleep came easier for me eventually but when the hamster wheel starts turning these days I know somethings up. Time to get to a meeting, call my sponsor, or work with another drunk. Sounds like your heading in the right direction and reading your humble & honest posts is much appreciated.

Keep coming back! ((((((Matty)))))))
Kiss heart of Spirit In Love & Service,
Three Legs
:tri

mrhodes01

Hallelujah, I finally slept for a few hours last night. I feel like a new man. Looking forward to crashing for about 15 hours after work today. Then I should be able to think clearly and move forward with a recovery plan. However, having a clearer head is also allowing me to rethink my recent poor decisions and is fostering much regret. I've got to stamp that down to stay out of the liquor aisle tonight.

As long as I'm sober, I know everything will work out OK. Thanks folks for your support while I've been reeling in my whacked-out, overloaded brain. It all seems so silly now--this would've been so easy if not for booze. Gotta move forward, not look back.

tobstah

Keep it up mate! big ups to you, for staying sober even when things get tough.

Dan

Oh yeah. I'd let regrets get the best of me. I'd obsess about them until I'd convince myself it was too much to bear and Poof! Liquor store, here I come.
Make a plan. Don't go anywhere near a store.
Glad you slept some.
And you're right. As long as we're sober, it all works out somehow.