Dating and sober?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: The Woodlands, TX
Posts: 8
Dating and sober?
Ok I have a feeling this is a simple issue but it feels big to me. I realize I am an alcoholic; I know I need to stop drinking for my life to improve. However I'm in a new relationship, I don't want to freak him out, I have no idea how honest I should be at this point... He is a drinker and I need to no drink but I'm just starting this journey and I have no idea how to do it - how does this work?
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
What do you do on dates? If his idea of fun on the weekend is hitting the bars, you need to be honest with him.
There are a lot of activities couples can do with out drinking. If your new bf has to be somewhere where alcohol is involved, maybe you should back off.
There are a lot of activities couples can do with out drinking. If your new bf has to be somewhere where alcohol is involved, maybe you should back off.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
every time i put something above my sobriety in importance i ended up drinking and loosing whatever it was.
Sobriety comes first , top priority , that is my solid foundation upon which i can build a regular life .
Without a solid foundation , things shift , i end up being a victim of circumstance as whatever i do seems ineffectual , wrong headed, too late , plus i end up dealing with stuff drunk or with a stinking hangover.
If he loves you he will let you change and grow .. If he can't accept you being sober then is that "loving you " and letting you be the best you , you can be ?
keep on
m
Sobriety comes first , top priority , that is my solid foundation upon which i can build a regular life .
Without a solid foundation , things shift , i end up being a victim of circumstance as whatever i do seems ineffectual , wrong headed, too late , plus i end up dealing with stuff drunk or with a stinking hangover.
If he loves you he will let you change and grow .. If he can't accept you being sober then is that "loving you " and letting you be the best you , you can be ?
keep on
m
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I remember something that I heard a lot when my son was first born "start as you mean to go on" If your intention is not to drink then you need to lay the groundwork for that and start off a new relationship creating patterns that reflect that.
If he suggests a bar as a date you can respond with "I don't drink, so can we think of something else to do?"
There might be more questions, which you can answer as honestly as you feel comfortable with, but again, start as you mean to go on. If you say you don't drink you move forward on that trajectory. If you are wish washy about whether or not you do or do not drink, you move forward on a different trajectory.
If he suggests a bar as a date you can respond with "I don't drink, so can we think of something else to do?"
There might be more questions, which you can answer as honestly as you feel comfortable with, but again, start as you mean to go on. If you say you don't drink you move forward on that trajectory. If you are wish washy about whether or not you do or do not drink, you move forward on a different trajectory.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Honesty is key in any area of life IMHO, whether it's in your sobriety, your relationships or any other area. You don't need to blurt out "I'm an alcholic" of course, but it's important for him to know that you don't drink. Most likely he won't mind a bit, and if he does mind...that should tell you something about him pretty quickly, right? At the end of the day though it's your sobriety..and you need to take whatever measures are necessary to protect it.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 772
If this man drinks alcohol a lot it is best you find someone else. There are plenty of other guys out there who don't drink. If you tell him your an alcoholic and he feels it is a problem then forget him. You will one day find someone who loves you for who you are. Most importantly you need to focus on your own sobriety first. Learn a little about yourself before you start worrying about the needs of 2 people.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 581
I started dating a guy last summer when I was first trying sobriety. I did not tell him and I failed. We had a break for a few months because of other issues, I fell off the wagon (before the break). When we realized how important we were to each other, I explained to him. He was very understanding, and it marked a turning point in our relationship. He is a very light drinker (once every few weeks with his buddies) so it does not really affect him. His dad is an alcoholic, so he understood my fear (nothing bad happened to me, but I had started drinking daily, on my own, that was enough for me).
It depends on him, you and the seriousness of the relationship. However, he probably should know how important it is for you NOT to drink.
It depends on him, you and the seriousness of the relationship. However, he probably should know how important it is for you NOT to drink.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: The Woodlands, TX
Posts: 8
Thanks everyone! It is REALLY awesome to read your posts, just to feel like you're in my corner.
I haven't stopped drinking yet. I'm struggling with the fact that I know I'm an alcoholic, I know I need to make a big change in my life, and I'm scared ********. So I'm reading this board and I'm collecting collective courage. And I'm really happy that if I post a question I get a bunch of support responses. It's really good to feel like I'm not alone here.
I haven't stopped drinking yet. I'm struggling with the fact that I know I'm an alcoholic, I know I need to make a big change in my life, and I'm scared ********. So I'm reading this board and I'm collecting collective courage. And I'm really happy that if I post a question I get a bunch of support responses. It's really good to feel like I'm not alone here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
You can introduce things casually. May be things like " You know I really love this or that activity rather than bars/partying". Or " I am trying to concentrate on getting healthy how do you feel about XXX (other activities which interest you that don't involve drink)" .
If after telling him these kind of things casually, if you don't feel he is on the same page as you or "getting the point", probably better to move on now and find "the one" who will be able to help you become everything you can and deserve to be.
Keep us posted!
If after telling him these kind of things casually, if you don't feel he is on the same page as you or "getting the point", probably better to move on now and find "the one" who will be able to help you become everything you can and deserve to be.
Keep us posted!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
You are definitely not alone, we are here for you.
I don't want to discourage you in any way, shape or form, but I do have to point out that starting a new relationship and quitting drinking nearly simultaneously could prove to be difficult. Absolutely not impossible. When quitting drinking though you have to make that your priority, no matter what, nothing gets in the way of that goal. If you can manage the emotional roller coaster that is a new love while maintaining the steadfast determination to not drink you will be giving your new partner and yourself a great gift.
I don't want to discourage you in any way, shape or form, but I do have to point out that starting a new relationship and quitting drinking nearly simultaneously could prove to be difficult. Absolutely not impossible. When quitting drinking though you have to make that your priority, no matter what, nothing gets in the way of that goal. If you can manage the emotional roller coaster that is a new love while maintaining the steadfast determination to not drink you will be giving your new partner and yourself a great gift.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by ecm76 
Thanks everyone! It is REALLY awesome to read your posts, just to feel like you're in my corner.
I haven't stopped drinking yet. I'm struggling with the fact that I know I'm an alcoholic, I know I need to make a big change in my life, and I'm scared ********.
I haven't stopped drinking yet. I'm struggling with the fact that I know I'm an alcoholic, I know I need to make a big change in my life, and I'm scared ********.
if that be the case, i can give you examples of what life will be like with alcohol and the progression of alcoholism remaining in your life:
Denial
Sleep pattern changes
Changes in mood and personality
Depression, anxiety and other psychiatric conditions
Cognitive effects such as shortened attention span and problems with coordination
Hallucinations
Delusions
Broken relationships
Lost jobs
Reduced intimacy and sexual desire
Family and friends walk away
thoughts of suicide
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
I started dating a new girlfriend a few months before I joined SR.
We spent the first six months getting completely wasted, sometimes me more than her and sometimes her more than me. I couldn't count the amount of times we woke up and agreed that we didn't want to be hungover the whole time. But on it went.
One day I announced to her that I'd come to the conclusion that I was an alcoholic and that I wouldn't be drinking again. She was in absolute shock, she didn't know what to do with herself or the bottle of wine she'd brought over with her.
That was three months ago, we're still together and we're having more fun than we've ever had. It's just that neither of us drink now.
We spent the first six months getting completely wasted, sometimes me more than her and sometimes her more than me. I couldn't count the amount of times we woke up and agreed that we didn't want to be hungover the whole time. But on it went.
One day I announced to her that I'd come to the conclusion that I was an alcoholic and that I wouldn't be drinking again. She was in absolute shock, she didn't know what to do with herself or the bottle of wine she'd brought over with her.
That was three months ago, we're still together and we're having more fun than we've ever had. It's just that neither of us drink now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
It's already been said mostly but I will echo - don't let this man get in the way of your sobriety and your need to be sober. If you need to step away from the relationship in order to get sober, you should. If it's a real connection, it will be there later when you are sober and healthy enough to be in a relationship!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Sobriety first.
Sobriety first.
Sobriety first.
I'm going to be really honest. This isn't directed specifically at you, ECM, but more a general observation -- one from which, I hope, you can benefit.
From time to time on SR, we see newer fellow journeyers pose questions about dating in early sobriety. What you'll occasionally hear from some of the veterans is that it's wise to put off major life changes -- including new relationships -- until you've got a year of sobriety achieved.
There's a good reason for that. Our lives in early sobriety are fraught with challenges. Getting sober isn't easy. It's demanding.
It demands our full commitment, our unwavering dedication. That doesn't mix well with the emotional roller-coaster that accompanies a new relationship or even forays into dating.
Dating and new relationships also require emotional strength; no one among us has unlimited supplies of it. We all have only so much to devote to our priorities.
We can draw upon our reserves of emotional strength for one priority or another but both demand more than most of us are capable of committing. So, draw upon your strength for a relationship and you're taking away from the strength you need to commit to your sobriety so it can take hold and deepen. Or vice versa.
But both?
Those of us who've been around a while have seen the results when fellow journeyers early in sobriety try to build a relationship at the same time they're trying to build recovery. As Mecanix noted, "every time i put something above my sobriety in importance i ended up drinking and loosing whatever it was."
Early in sobriety, I didn't know my head from my hind quarters. That's how demanding recovery is at its onset.
The question then is "What is my No. 1 priority?"
So that's my general observation. I'm almost 2.5 years in and also have been seeing someone. It is an exciting time -- and one that has its own share of uncertainties. I couldn't have done it early on. Not even close.
And that brings me back to you, ECM. You note you're still drinking and also want to get sober. You further note "he is a drinker." That is an enormous red flag.
Think about what is most important to you and make wise decisions based upon what you need to accomplish.
What comes first?
Sobriety first.
Sobriety first.
I'm going to be really honest. This isn't directed specifically at you, ECM, but more a general observation -- one from which, I hope, you can benefit.
From time to time on SR, we see newer fellow journeyers pose questions about dating in early sobriety. What you'll occasionally hear from some of the veterans is that it's wise to put off major life changes -- including new relationships -- until you've got a year of sobriety achieved.
There's a good reason for that. Our lives in early sobriety are fraught with challenges. Getting sober isn't easy. It's demanding.
It demands our full commitment, our unwavering dedication. That doesn't mix well with the emotional roller-coaster that accompanies a new relationship or even forays into dating.
Dating and new relationships also require emotional strength; no one among us has unlimited supplies of it. We all have only so much to devote to our priorities.
We can draw upon our reserves of emotional strength for one priority or another but both demand more than most of us are capable of committing. So, draw upon your strength for a relationship and you're taking away from the strength you need to commit to your sobriety so it can take hold and deepen. Or vice versa.
But both?
Those of us who've been around a while have seen the results when fellow journeyers early in sobriety try to build a relationship at the same time they're trying to build recovery. As Mecanix noted, "every time i put something above my sobriety in importance i ended up drinking and loosing whatever it was."
Early in sobriety, I didn't know my head from my hind quarters. That's how demanding recovery is at its onset.
The question then is "What is my No. 1 priority?"
So that's my general observation. I'm almost 2.5 years in and also have been seeing someone. It is an exciting time -- and one that has its own share of uncertainties. I couldn't have done it early on. Not even close.
And that brings me back to you, ECM. You note you're still drinking and also want to get sober. You further note "he is a drinker." That is an enormous red flag.
Think about what is most important to you and make wise decisions based upon what you need to accomplish.
What comes first?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
I'm going through a divorce and find these posts very wise. I agree with those who said that starting a relationship and becoming sober at the same time is an uphill battle. If he drinks, it might be an impossible one. Get yourself together before you get involved with anyone. One of the counselors in rehab said that water seeks its own level. It's so true. Once you're mentally and physically healthy, your chances of finding a fulfilling relationship with an equally healthy partner are much higher. Take it from someone who knows.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,776
I spent a year and a half avoiding dates and did a good job trying to get sober.
First date - I drank. I wanted to fit in, have fun, be like all the other people and I denied myself the basic care and kindness I really needed.
It was a big lesson for me.
I only had one drink on the date (never saw the guy again) and then drove around like a desperate creature looking for a shop to sell me booze. It didn't end well.
I wasn't ready and I'm not ready. I won't be ready until I start caring up for myself in all situations.
That's my truth. I know it now.
Best of luck x
First date - I drank. I wanted to fit in, have fun, be like all the other people and I denied myself the basic care and kindness I really needed.
It was a big lesson for me.
I only had one drink on the date (never saw the guy again) and then drove around like a desperate creature looking for a shop to sell me booze. It didn't end well.
I wasn't ready and I'm not ready. I won't be ready until I start caring up for myself in all situations.
That's my truth. I know it now.
Best of luck x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Better now rather than later to put a line in the sand and say you're now going to be a non drinker, doesn't need to be much fuss, just you've decided to not drink anymore.
That will be the deal breaker as to whether you can be Sober and in this relationship depending on the reaction!!
That will be the deal breaker as to whether you can be Sober and in this relationship depending on the reaction!!
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