Identity and fear
 

Ok I thought about not posting but I have been scared lately. I am seven months sober and I am 30. I feel immature and afraid all of the time. When I started drinking at 15 I started out drinking alcoholically. Now I am having a difficult time feeling like an adult. I did have an alcoholic gf but she is now gone. Why do I feel like a 15 year old in a old mans body? When I was drinking I thought it was an adult behavior but I can see now I was childish and pathetic. It feels like I never matured or grew up. Does anyone have any experience with maturing in sobriety? It scares me that I have so much internal work to do. I want to grow up but I know it will not happen overnight. My ex was 28 but drank and she acted immature. Thanks for reading.

I am 57, sober for just over 1 year and I feel like I am, finally, slowly, starting to grow up. I think that my decades long drinking career kept me emotionally immature and growing up will take time and effort on my part.

It's never too late to grow up :grouphug: you are in good company!

I think therapy might help you.

I agree with Carl - these kinds of issues have actually plagued you for a long time Ach - way before you met this girl.

Why not get some expert outside help? A fresh perspective could really help :)

D

You're right it won't happen overnight so be very patient with yourself and try not to let yourself become distracted or impulsive. I agree with what others have posted>>therapy for deep internal work. You can do it; you can change and grow and become a mature adult and you'll feel a lot better about yourself. This board is mainly for recovery issues. Good job on your sobriety! That's an important milestone to get sober first and deal with your issues in a sober state. Easier said than done.

Acheleus,
I think that the alcoholic haze does stunt emotional development and growing up when already chronologically older is not easy. It is possible I believe. I'm finding myself acting more maturely in very small increments as sober days add up.
Hang in there and thanks for the post.
Jonathan

At 6 months sober (age 66) I'm finding that I can no longer react like I used to when it comes to emotional situations. I take a moment to think and respond instead like an adult. It's not easy. There's one thing I do when trying to make good decisions. In my mind I ask what a wise friend of mine would do. Surprisingly I get the right answer for myself.

FWIW, I'm 49 and my maturity level is nowhere near what you'd expect of my age. My growth was slowed considerably during the 25+ years I was drinking. It's pretty common.

I didn't grow up much sinceI began using. When I got sober at 23 because of my drinking and drugging there were certain things that I never really experienced...like emotions. Everything was new to me. Over the last few years as I have begun to experience new things in life I am growing. I look back and know that I'm not the same person I was a week ago.

Most importantly you should develope a recovery plan. I go to meetings, work the steps, read recovery literature, and come around here. If you put down the booze and work a program you will grow. Goodluck on the journey.

I dunno dont go trying to grow up so fast. I'd rather act like a little kid its more fun to be honest. I felt kinda lost too at 7 months and like you do. I still feel like a friggen child at times. But i mean how many adults act like children.... dare i say umm we all probably do? I mean anyone can be honest with themselves and go yeah i'm acting like a child here. Sometimes its a good thing sometimes its not.

I suppose when I was drinking I did not think about the responsibilities and necessities that adults must address to live healthy, independent lives. Sometimes I feel like my life is over because I am in a school program and I am just now realizing that although I love learning new things I do not like institutions and school. Being sober allows me to be honest and I can say I have always hated school.

Being this old and having never married kind of sucks. I did spend five years with a woman who was older but I was drunk and I hate that I have never been in a healthy relationship with a woman. The longer I am sober the more I reflect with clarity on the enormous mistakes I made and how I allowed my insecurities to influence my decisions. I just want to be self-sufficient and have a friend who may want to get married. Of course the relationship thing was bad. I just wanted someone to love me. It is funny I thought I would marry this person and she just cheated on me. Called me a spoiled bitch.

Something must be wrong with me because I cant win. For example, I just want to get laid. I never even did that. I guess I was too drunk. Maybe I will have to just study and focus and apply for jobs and quit trying to fill that empty hole inside with a relationship.

I quit drinking. I started a rigorous academic program. I thought I found my one true love. I am overwhelmed and I just want to feel excited about something again. When I was with my ex the world was beautiful. Without her I dont want to do anything. There is no purpose to anything.
Or maybe all this is paws and I just need to sit down and shut up and focus on sobriety.

Acheleus: I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling and hating what you are of sort locked into doing. I'm slightly confused about your post. You said you never got laid, but in one of your other threads you said you slept with your alc exgf. However it went, Ach...it's probably best to heal from the ex for awhile before making any big life changes or getting into another relationship. I hope that whatever happens you feel that life IS worth living because you ARE worth it. You are beautiful and could probably get into a relationship with whomever you would choose...For whatever reason you think she cheated on you, but it's my understanding you had broken up and she started "seeing" other men and drinking. It's possible that she did NOT sleep with other men, but because you broke it off with her she was heartbroken and felt abandoned like nobody loved her anymore...these things happen...you engaged with other female friends and she engaged with other men and it's good that you didn't any STD from her...I've been heartbroken before too and it's so hard to carry on sometimes...when I was 20 I was so heartbroken I had to drop out of college for a semester because I was failing; did FAIL; fell flat on my face ... and the reason I failed was because I couldn't study; couldn't concentrate. You've GOT to carry on and do what you need to do to be happy and we're here; many of us working on the VERY SAME issues that you are..so don't forget you are not totally alone, 'K?

Yes. I love her. I miss her. Im reading and going to bed. We all make mistakes. A part of me wants to reach out to her.

She gave me an std when we were together. It was emasculating and humiliating. Thank you kind people for helping me. My plan is to stay sober a day at a time and lay low with all the drama.

Hang in there, Ach. It takes time. I'm 46 and in some ways still an adolescent. Maybe that "Peter Pan" quality is typical of alcoholics. Now, three + years sober I am endlessly amused on a daily basis just by doing "grown up" things. For instance, today I bought a new mop! It struck me as an extremely grown up thing to buy. When I pay a bill on time or file something by the due date I always give myself a little pat on the back.:lmao

Normal people are used to doing normal things I suppose. But doing "normal stuff" was always abnormally difficult for me back when I was drinking. My house was always a mess, the lawn was never mowed, etc. It feels kind of Zen-like now to do the dishes while I still have one pair of clean underwear.:lmao

Thank you. It helps to know that others understand how I feel. Tomorrow I need to clean and I will just get back into grown up mode. My ex was kind of taking care of me to be honest.

Thx for checking back in... Give yourself a break and be good to yourself.. Stay on the sobriety path no matter what.. Cleaning is good for you...: we're with ya... You are going to rock this!

This. I am 50, 17 months sober, and the rest of the post describes exactly how I feel.