First post, not ready to quit
 

I've been reading around a bit here because I know my drinking is a problem. However, I'm "high functioning" in that I'm still getting good reviews at work, I'm paying my bills, etc. I know that's not enough, but my desire to escape is consistently much stronger than my desire to live a healthy, meaningful life. Honestly I haven't been able to convince myself to care enough to quit. I would love to hear any insights or advice from others who have been where I am right now.

Hi and welcome to the forum. You absolutely have a place here, I think a lot of us started visiting when we were trying to figure out what was going on and what we wanted to do about it. My only advice would be to read around as much as you can. You will see very clearly with real life examples how alcoholism is progressive. I was completely functioning in every aspect of my life for a long time. Until I wasn't and was doing things like passing out on my front porch for the whole world to see at 10 in the morning. It just kind of happens like that if you don't stop.
Just keep reading, ask any questions you want and get as much information you can to make the decision that you think is right for you. Remember though this a forum dedicated to quitting so you won't find a lot of tips or support for moderating your intake.
Only you can decide if you have a problem, but if you do know that it doesn't go away, it doesn't get better, it only, ever, gets worse.
Best of luck to you, thanks for signing up- the wider variety of viewpoints and experiences, the better the forum is for everyone.

It takes a lot of motivation to stop drinking, so hopefully you will be ready to do so at some point. The thing is , alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop drinking.

Welcome to the forums. Much of what you said is very familiar. I used to think I was high-functioning. I'm highly educated and qualified, have consistently held down my job with loads of responsibility, great results etc. Healthy social life, loads of hobbies, great wife and family, dogs, lovely house - the perfect life... Apart from the drinking.

I told myself for ages that my drinking can't have been that bad given everything I was able to do day to day. I didn't think much of some of my Negstive attributes - short temper, bursts of anger, apathy / lack of interest in "boring" things.

The only thing I can really say to you - if you think you're high functioning now, just wait until you're sober. Your productivity and attitude to life will go through the roof - and it's well worth it.

Enjoy finding your feet!

High functioning isn't a "type" of alcoholic. It is stage of alcoholism.

You'll quit when you're ready, not before, and not because of anything anyone says.

Welcome to the forum. Like Mera said, I was functional until I wasn't. I never lost my job, never got arrested, didn't lose my family. Did lose my self respect and wasted a whole lot of time and money.

You'll know when you're ready. Until then, read around. It's not easy. I'm still trying to convince myself to quit smoking. Should be a no brainer, right?

Keep coming back. We'll be here.

You've found the right place. But I would be cautious about how well you think you're actually doing right now.

I'm about two months quit and I thought I was "high functioning" right up until that day. But now, I can see that I wasn't.

Looking back, here are a few things I wasn't truly aware of:

1. the physical damage I had done to myself
2. the brain damage that my drinking was doing (hello PAWS)
3. the anger and frustration that I was carrying around all day
4. the tension I was bringing into my family
5. the business opportunities I was losing due to my being less than 100%
6. the money I was wasting out of my own pocket
7. the time I was missing with my kids (that one hurts a lot)
8. the distance I was creating within my marriage
9. and much more

If your situation is in any way similar to mine - you may come to realize that things aren't as good as you thought.

As depressing as that may seem, this knowledge is my MAIN motivation to never ever drink again. It's off the table and I'm never going back. There is no way I will ever subject myself to that poison again.

Find your motivation, make the decision, and never look back.

Hope this helps.

I also didn't lose my job, friends, SO, family, but I knew it was heading in that direction and fast. For me I was a heavy drinker from 28-32. Then I turned 33 and it was all the time. Then about half way through 33 it turned into binge drinking... The kind where you show up to work drunk if you show up at all. That went on for 6 months and last week was so intense and so close to being rock bottom that it scared me swiftly into day 1 of sobriety. I'm not experienced - only on day 4. But there is a shift in my mind. This isn't just a break cause I need it, this is sober for good because I'd lose everything if I kept going

As Anna said, alcoholism is progressive and only gets worse. I hope you decide to get sober before you become low-functioning. :(

Most would say I'm a high bottom alcoholic because I gave up alcohol before things got too bad. My motivation was that I didn't want to lose everything or embarrass myself down the road. I'd say there was a good deal of pride involved but it was strong enough to get me to stop. I dreaded the day when someone would be able to Google a mugshot or see me on the side of the road for a dui. Ultimately, I didn't want to kill someone drinking and driving before I decided enough was enough. We aren't promised that consequences will come in order of severity. Your low could happen tomorrow.

Thanks to everyone for replying to my post. I will stick around and hopefully soon I'll have the courage to try again.

Dad23 I had never heard of PAWS. I looked it up and now it makes so much since how I felt last time I quit, why I gave up after 3 months!

I can relate.

I've found it hard to find motivation to stop drinking when I'm not (yet) at the bottom. And yet I know I have to stop. But I also have a big desire to escape.

Are you working on dealing with things in a different way, and having a more meaningful life right now, so the desire to escape doesn't drive you so much? I don't know your situation so I'm only speaking for myself, but for me this is key.

Yes, I've totally been there. Recently, in fact. But high-functioning escapism really wasn't a fulfilling life. In fact, it was lame in almost every way. But that wasn't enough reason for me to quit.

If you're like most people, you'll put more effort into avoiding a negative (through escapism) than pursuing a positive (a fulfilled sober life). That's just the way we are. Someday the negatives of drinking will outweigh the positives -- this is inevitable because alcoholism progresses. Once the negatives start stacking up, you'll feel more motivation.

I'd wish for you that you could choose to get off the train now rather than after a seizure, a DWI, etc. Here's a really fun YouTube video about the advantages of sobering up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od_L6vnBwWA

Hope it helps "sell" sobriety to you! :-)

I dont want to ok drinking in all honesty if it wasnt for the panic attacks I'd still be drinking. Why? because i saw absolutly nothing wrong with drinking 15-20 beers a night spending all that money. waking up still drunk day in and day out. Sometimes puking then drinking more cause i suddenly had the room and felt good enought o drink again. I saw nothing wrong with taking a sleeping pill to fend off waking up at 3am really itchen ( later realized after i sobered up this was withdrawel and i needed another drink had i figured that out i woulda just drank and skipped the sleeping pill). I saw nothing wrong with taking a couple ibprofin before bed to ease the morning headaches and such and then taking more in the morning. I saw nothing wrong with empty beer cans all over the place. Nothing wrong with my life revolving aorund my drinking schedule the list goes on.

I'm not lieing I saw nothing wrong with any of this it was all normal. I held down a job kept the family happy blah blah and there is part of me the addict part thats like man if i could just drink and not have panic attacks i'd so be getting trashed this very instant despite 4.5 years of sobriety.

But there is the other part of me that is like oh man sobriety is pretty stinking good despite lifes usual ups and downs. I wake up each day feeling just fine. dont have to take those pills or have my life revolve around how many beers are left and what not. I've lost well over 100lbs i run 50-70 miles a week and am in the best shape of my life. I no longer have debt along with a whole host of other problems that I just thoguht where normal all those years.

but yeah I kinda get it despite all the nonsense nothing would motivate me to quit till those panic attacks came along.

I dunno i guess that was my bottom. finding your preverbial bottom is crap but i dunno for me if it wasnt for the hard way i'd never learn.

I hope you can quit before it forces you to quit tho. It would be nice to do it on your terms.

life is better on the other side. it aint all s*** and giggles all the time but my quality of life is considerably better.

It's great to have you join us, ecm. :) This is a wonderful place for encouragement.

I considered myself to be the same type of drinker, once. I did nothing to help myself back when I first realized I didn't drink normally. In the end, I was drinking every day - completely dependent on it. It was much more difficult to stop as an older person, with a 30 yr. drinking career behind me. I'm glad you're taking a look at what your drinking is doing to your life.

I drank, sometimes moderately and sometimes heavily, through my late teens until I was 28. At that point, I felt like I wasn't at the wheel anymore. I quit kind of as an experiment. I was never sure if I was actually a "real" alcoholic or not. Sometimes I was fine, sometimes... not.

I was sober for almost six years. During that time, I had a good about of professional growth, grew some great friendships, and ran a marathon. I thought hey, I've really pulled my life together... I wonder if I can drink now. So I tried it... again with mixed results. Again, sometimes I'm fine, sometimes... not. So now I'm doing a 30 day break to reflect. It may go longer. It may go 30 days, 31 days, 6 months, 6 years, or a lifetime. I'm not sure yet.

I know a few things.
- I am not convinced I am an alcoholic.
- I am convinced I feel LOADS better physically when I'm not drinking.
- I love alcohol.
- I don't want to be hungover anymore.
- I am afraid that if I press my luck, quitting won't always be this easy.
- I'm afraid I'm overreacting by quitting and maybe I can get it under control.
- I'm afraid I'm deluding myself thinking I can control this forever and I've just been lucky so far.

My advice is try quitting for 30 days. If you can't quit for 30 days, you probably have a problem. And having 30 sober days to think it over is a good exercise. I bet you'll be shocked at how good you feel, honestly, and maybe you'll want the good to last.

You don't realize the enormous amount of effort it takes to be "high functioning" until you quit drinking. It is such a relief to wake up sober and not have to force my hungover self out of bed, put on my game face, and go to work - looking and playing the professional part to a tee, but feeling like crap. I don't miss that at all!

Honestly I haven't been able to convince myself to care enough to quit.

And there is nothing anyone can type on this website that would be so profound, that it would cause you to want to quit.

That's on you.

And if you are drinking alcoholically, you're not "high functioning." You might convince yourself you are because you are able to manage the basic essentials of adult life.

But is that really "high functioning" for you? Maybe you are drinking away your chance to win a Nobel Prize, or some other illustrious achievement.

Welcome ecm :)

The way I see it, something bought you here. Fan that spark. You'll look back and be glad you quit now and not 'later' :)

D

ecm,

Don't underestimate the progressive nature of this disease.

The outcome and the results are a guarantee and none of us are exempt.

The timing will vary from person to person but the results are the same.

Physical deterioration followed by mental impairment and ultimately a premature death.

Since alcoholism is progressive, your drinking habits won't improve, they won't even stay the same. They will get worse. Your physical need for alcohol will gradually speak so loud that no act of will can overcome it. Life will become an unending quest for the normalizing lift that alcohol provides, even though it will be destroying your health and sanity. Please remember that most alcoholics do not recover. They die prematurely from alcohol-induced diseases.

I've been unemployed, made ave. money and for several years made over 200K. So sometimes I was high functioning. Never lost a job from drinking. When I quit 46 days ago. I still had enough money to go to Thailand and drink myself to death on the slow plan. I did/do have legal problems from drinking-I can still deal with them. Mainly I quit because the booze dulled me and degraded my life. I became more aware of this after I quit. I also look much better-says something about what it was doing to my health. Although I've never had a bad report from a doctor the difference in my appearance is very telling.

You know you have a problem with drinking. If can't can't moderate (tough went you need the escape) then you need to quit. You are high functioning. There are high bottom alcoholics-they quit before the real damage is done.

I did that, too. I knew my drinking was a problem for 24 years before I did something about it. By then it was a really big problem. In retrospect, it was pretty dumb to wait.


I thought the same thing for many years, but it turns out it wasn't exactly true. It wasn't me I was trying to convince, it was the alcohol addict living in my head. I never was able to convince him that drinking was a bad idea. I gave up trying. I know it's a bad idea, and that is enough.

Best of Luck on Your Journey! :ring

I agree with a lot of what has been written. I too was "high functioning" (or so I thought) until suddenly I wasn't. I also believe high functioning isn't a type of alcoholic - it's a stage of alcoholism. If you keep drinking you will inevitably get to the next stage. I view my alcoholism like a snowball rolling down a hill - it only got bigger, faster, and more difficult to stop over time.

Additionally, looking back, I wasn't "high functioning" at all because I couldn't do life without drinking. You're not really functioning if you need to drink your way through, are you?

I read the book "Under the Influence" and it really helped me to understand the disease of alcoholism and the stages we go through. You may want to check it out.

Right now I'm not sure where to start. I'm in my loop, and I don't know how to get out of it. I can wake up and say "today I'm not going to drink," but at 5:00 I don't give a crap what I decided in the morning. That's where I am.

I always gave a crap, but I almost always drank anyways. I'd have this silent war in my head.

We said we wouldn't drink today
Yeah, but it's Thursday, no one quits on a Thursday Just drink this weekend and quit on Sunday.
You said that last week. And the week before.
Well, this time I mean it. We'll have a few this weekend and then we'll quit on Sunday.
Promise?
Yeah, Sunday. Or maybe Monday. Let's see how we feel Sunday.
This seems wrong (again) but OK.

'Normal' people don't have that voice in their head, ya know? That's the voice of my addiction. It's still there, but I don't listen to it anymore. My life got a lot better after I quit listening to it.

Be well! :ring

That struck a chord with me, can you see you how drinking is controlling you rather than you controlling it ?

I say this as I remember doing the exact same thing wake up in the morning and say I'm not drinking today (btw its a massive red flag to say something like this) then by early afternoon 4-5pm I'd be drinking

It got a lot worse for me after that stage 4-5 pm would go down to 12pm lunchtime drinking then finally drinking in the morning as soon as I woke

I want to encourage you to realise no one has to have a rock bottom you can stop this now and another thing is why is alcohol allowed to have such a impact on your life & your decision making anyway you know ?

Your going to have support doing this no one is going to judge you we have all been there

In this together

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

This was my cycle for many years, the insidious insanity of drinking - the never ending cycle of promises made to myself and others. This time will be different! Then I drank........

I started going to meetings and engaging in a program of recovery - that broke the cycle.

Additionally, I recently read a book entitled Under The Influence by Ketcham and Milam. The book explains the physiological aspects of alcoholism including how an alcoholics body metabolizes alcohol differently than a "normal" drinker. I want to know the why's at times and this was extremely enlightening. I was sober over a year when it came on my radar here on SR on a thread which is actually a sticky -

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Welcome to the Forum Ecm!! :wave:

That's where I was for way too many years. It took divorce papers and my husband taking custody of our son for me to stop. I tried various approaches over the years in a halfhearted attempt to quit drinking, but I really just couldn't imagine my life without alcohol. I was too scared, even though alcohol was ruining my relationships. (I'm not sure I buy the "alcohol is a progressive disease" model, though. I drank the same amount for over 10 years. It was a ritual.) When alcohol creates more problems than it solves, maybe you'll be ready to quit. But it's all up to you and what YOU want from your life.

I was an evening drinker and also viewed myself as high functioning because I'd been promoted rapidly and was well respected at work. I'd even convinced myself that drinking in the evening made it easier to write the reports that are a large part of my job. Then I got sick and stopped drinking suddenly. Well, I went through withdrawals the morning of a presentation that I was giving (thank God it was a teleconference) and had to give up after 5 minutes because I couldn't even complete a sentence. I went to the hospital that evening.

I was able to reschedule the speech for two weeks down the line and delivered it sober. But it terrifies me to think how quickly a reputation I'd built over 15 years could be ruined in a matter of minutes. That night in the hospital, a nurse told me that every time your mind tries to tell you that you can go back to drinking - "I never drove drunk, lost a job, etc." - just add "yet." Turns out that she was in recovery too.

It's over a year later now, and can see with a clear head how tenuous my "high functionality" really was.