Finally accepted it!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4
Finally accepted it!!
Please bare with me if this doesn't win any awards for writing ability because this is the work of a 29 year old man who has finally accepted he has a problem with alcohol.
I have a severe blackout reaction when I binge on alcohol.
My partner has described me as 99% the man of her dreams. The 1% being when I blackout after binge drinking. She tells me that she can literally see me change like someone has flicked a switch. Once I switch apparently everything I am when I'm sober goes completely the way (if that makes sense?).
When sober I am a very loving, caring, hard working and all round nice bloke (according to my partner) but when I blackout I turn very aggressive, say the most vile things and she says Its like I'm possessed by some demon!
I had always put it down to issues from my past (how ignorant!). I now know it is simply this - when I reach a certain level of intoxication from alcohol I suffer en bloc and fragmented blackouts! So in turn I shouldn't abuse alcohol!
I have spent years surrounded by people who drink to get drunk, smashed, pissed etc. telling myself 'well they do it, so should I' and also allowing this peer pressure mentality of 'you are a man so you should be able to handle your drink and go on benders'. I feel so stupid to fall into the trap and to have not accepted I can't drink.
There is so much guilt and self loathing coursing around my brain right now and I truly know that this is it for me I'm done with abusing alcohol.
I have hurt people I love and respect with all my heart. I have pushed people away from my behaviour when I blackout and it really upsets me because 1. I can't remember doing it! And 2. Whatever I said or done doesn't actually represent the person I truly am!
It is such a lonely feeling, the one I'm feeling right now. In essence I have been trying to fit in with people that do things that don't suit me and in doing so made people resent me. It's a vicious circle. But I want to be free of it now and I am determined to do so.
I could go into so much detail about things I have been told I've done when I'm drunk and to be honest you could tell me anything and I would believe you. It's truly disgusting.
Oh and just to throw this into the mix, my dad drunk himself to death when I 13. I know, why did I even pick up a drink?
The blackouts never used to happen because I had high tolerance to alcohol perhaps from being young and I was pretty much in the pub every day. For the last year or so I haven't drunk regularly at all, I could go 3 weeks without a single drop then I would binge, with my tolerance being low I would inevitably blackout and be a vile bastard to anyone who came near me.
I know what I have to do and I'm going to do it and luckily my partner says she's going to stand by me, she's incredible. But there is a feeling of being alone with this situation as I know of no one that this happens to.
If there is anyone out there that has any words to help me, then please respond to this post.
Thanks for taking the time to listen to my problem
I have a severe blackout reaction when I binge on alcohol.
My partner has described me as 99% the man of her dreams. The 1% being when I blackout after binge drinking. She tells me that she can literally see me change like someone has flicked a switch. Once I switch apparently everything I am when I'm sober goes completely the way (if that makes sense?).
When sober I am a very loving, caring, hard working and all round nice bloke (according to my partner) but when I blackout I turn very aggressive, say the most vile things and she says Its like I'm possessed by some demon!
I had always put it down to issues from my past (how ignorant!). I now know it is simply this - when I reach a certain level of intoxication from alcohol I suffer en bloc and fragmented blackouts! So in turn I shouldn't abuse alcohol!
I have spent years surrounded by people who drink to get drunk, smashed, pissed etc. telling myself 'well they do it, so should I' and also allowing this peer pressure mentality of 'you are a man so you should be able to handle your drink and go on benders'. I feel so stupid to fall into the trap and to have not accepted I can't drink.
There is so much guilt and self loathing coursing around my brain right now and I truly know that this is it for me I'm done with abusing alcohol.
I have hurt people I love and respect with all my heart. I have pushed people away from my behaviour when I blackout and it really upsets me because 1. I can't remember doing it! And 2. Whatever I said or done doesn't actually represent the person I truly am!
It is such a lonely feeling, the one I'm feeling right now. In essence I have been trying to fit in with people that do things that don't suit me and in doing so made people resent me. It's a vicious circle. But I want to be free of it now and I am determined to do so.
I could go into so much detail about things I have been told I've done when I'm drunk and to be honest you could tell me anything and I would believe you. It's truly disgusting.
Oh and just to throw this into the mix, my dad drunk himself to death when I 13. I know, why did I even pick up a drink?
The blackouts never used to happen because I had high tolerance to alcohol perhaps from being young and I was pretty much in the pub every day. For the last year or so I haven't drunk regularly at all, I could go 3 weeks without a single drop then I would binge, with my tolerance being low I would inevitably blackout and be a vile bastard to anyone who came near me.
I know what I have to do and I'm going to do it and luckily my partner says she's going to stand by me, she's incredible. But there is a feeling of being alone with this situation as I know of no one that this happens to.
If there is anyone out there that has any words to help me, then please respond to this post.
Thanks for taking the time to listen to my problem
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome to SR, Rico!
You can have a much better life and never have to feel that way again if you want.
Keep reading and posting and you'll get a lot of support here and learn more about how you can get and stay sober.
You can have a much better life and never have to feel that way again if you want.
Keep reading and posting and you'll get a lot of support here and learn more about how you can get and stay sober.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
What, exactly, are you going to do? In one place you say,
" I shouldn't abuse alcohol!"
And in another,
"I'm done with abusing alcohol"
Does that mean you are quitting drinking? Total abstinence? Or controlling your drinking so that you don't abuse it?
Originally Posted by Rico07 
I know what I have to do and I'm going to do it...
" I shouldn't abuse alcohol!"
And in another,
"I'm done with abusing alcohol"
Does that mean you are quitting drinking? Total abstinence? Or controlling your drinking so that you don't abuse it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4
Thank you for replying
I wouldn't wish this on anyone it is so horrible.
I am very disappointed in myself for not stopping my abuse of alcohol a long time ago. I feel so stupid for all the times I be the one at the bar or at home slamming as much down my neck as possible and as quick as possible.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone it is so horrible.
I am very disappointed in myself for not stopping my abuse of alcohol a long time ago. I feel so stupid for all the times I be the one at the bar or at home slamming as much down my neck as possible and as quick as possible.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Staying well away is really the only way.
Someone like you (and nearly all of us here) will drink ourselves into the grave unless we stay away completely. You have lost control and can not go back to being a "sometimes" drinker. For you, this is life and death.
Welcome, please spend time reading here every day. There is a lot of knowledge and insight on this website.
Someone like you (and nearly all of us here) will drink ourselves into the grave unless we stay away completely. You have lost control and can not go back to being a "sometimes" drinker. For you, this is life and death.
Welcome, please spend time reading here every day. There is a lot of knowledge and insight on this website.
Resident Awesome Guy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
Rico,
Welcome to SR! You are not alone. I too would get routinely blackout drunk. My wife has always told me that there was a point in every night where she knew I wouldn't remember the conversations we had, shows we watched, or plans we had made. It got so old her having to say "we talked about this already." Talk about embarrassing. I never became violent, which she has told me know that she wished for, so it would motivate her to leave. My experience is that you need to look deep inside yourself and determine what is most important to you. Fitting in with your buddies, or the woman who has stood by you in all of this. Being the man that you want to be, or a shell of that man? Do you want to be 100% the man of her dreams, or are you ok disappointing her on a regular basis?
I know what my answer was and I hope you find the same. We are here for you if you need to talk.
Welcome to SR! You are not alone. I too would get routinely blackout drunk. My wife has always told me that there was a point in every night where she knew I wouldn't remember the conversations we had, shows we watched, or plans we had made. It got so old her having to say "we talked about this already." Talk about embarrassing. I never became violent, which she has told me know that she wished for, so it would motivate her to leave. My experience is that you need to look deep inside yourself and determine what is most important to you. Fitting in with your buddies, or the woman who has stood by you in all of this. Being the man that you want to be, or a shell of that man? Do you want to be 100% the man of her dreams, or are you ok disappointing her on a regular basis?
I know what my answer was and I hope you find the same. We are here for you if you need to talk.
You're smart to stop drinking now before something really awful happens. And it will. Drinking to blackout will only get worse. 
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Welcome and it is great that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I would develop a sobriety plan. A plan based on action because as many of us have found willpower is seldom enough
I would develop a sobriety plan. A plan based on action because as many of us have found willpower is seldom enough
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome Rico.
Congratulations on reaching that state of acceptance. The next step is to find the willingness to change, and to accept help. Then to make a sobriety plan (plenty of threads about that here if you do a search. Dee out a good one up recently with some really good links on it.)
Most of us enter sobriety laden with shame; remorse; anger; resentments; frustrations; etc. It's easy to get caught up with analysing these feelings, which just gets us more entrenched. Often we feel like that's what we deserve. But while we spend all that energy on punishing ourselves we're distracting ourself from the task at hand. That being: Sobriety and Recovery. If you want to give yourself the best fighting chance of getting sober and emotionally balanced, then try to dwell in the solution, not the problem. Yes, you (like the rest of us) will have hurt people and made some ****** choices in the drinking years. And when you've got a bit of recovery under your belt, and have learned some new ways of dealing with 'life' (with all the **** it throws our way on a daily basis - because sober life isn't always peachy), then you can start working on analysing why and how you messed up in the past if you want to. You can then start making amends to people as well. But not yet. First you need to get sober. Then build up your sober muscles. THEN worry about all that stuff. And there are plenty of people (here, and at local meetings and help-groups, like AA or SMART) who will be able to help you with that.
Wishing you all the best on your journey, through sobriety, to recovery; inner peace; freedom; and a joyful life.
Congratulations on reaching that state of acceptance. The next step is to find the willingness to change, and to accept help. Then to make a sobriety plan (plenty of threads about that here if you do a search. Dee out a good one up recently with some really good links on it.)
Most of us enter sobriety laden with shame; remorse; anger; resentments; frustrations; etc. It's easy to get caught up with analysing these feelings, which just gets us more entrenched. Often we feel like that's what we deserve. But while we spend all that energy on punishing ourselves we're distracting ourself from the task at hand. That being: Sobriety and Recovery. If you want to give yourself the best fighting chance of getting sober and emotionally balanced, then try to dwell in the solution, not the problem. Yes, you (like the rest of us) will have hurt people and made some ****** choices in the drinking years. And when you've got a bit of recovery under your belt, and have learned some new ways of dealing with 'life' (with all the **** it throws our way on a daily basis - because sober life isn't always peachy), then you can start working on analysing why and how you messed up in the past if you want to. You can then start making amends to people as well. But not yet. First you need to get sober. Then build up your sober muscles. THEN worry about all that stuff. And there are plenty of people (here, and at local meetings and help-groups, like AA or SMART) who will be able to help you with that.
Wishing you all the best on your journey, through sobriety, to recovery; inner peace; freedom; and a joyful life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK, South Coast
Posts: 605
Hey Rico, not experienced bkackout rage but pretty much every time i drank (the last few yrs) ive drank enough to blackout & it just got worse. Uve come to the right place, great advice on here!!
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