KiKi0615

I had about 70 days sober on Saturday. My sobriety date was 11/15/15 until I drank again Saturday evening. :-(

About 3 weeks into my sobriety I was strongly encouraged by my husband & AA sponsor to start intensive therapy with a highly trained psychologist (who I really like so far) to start unraveling & dealing with all my childhood trauma, a sexual assault as a teenager and severe abuse by my mother as a child.

The therapy has been INTENSE & the trauma a HUGE reason I drank for many years. It (alcohol) was my coping mechanism. I'm sure many can relate.

Anyway, my therapist & I have been working through some really hard stuff that has forced me to "re-live" that trauma. I just couldn't handle it anymore (re-living the trauma) & reached for the one thing I knew would give me "temporary relief" this past Saturday. It was just too much too fast & I didn't realize it until it was too late!

Saturday I had what my therapist calls "emotional flooding" and caved. I'm strong but I guess I'm not as strong as I thought because I just wasn't ready to deal with some of the stuff we were working on.

Anyway...I'm wondering if I started therapy too soon? Or maybe therapy is good (but just not dealing with the trauma yet would be better) until I have more sober time??? Early sobriety is hard enough without re-living a rape & severe child abuse.

Have any of you experienced this? Do you think it would be better for me to get a solid foundation (6 mo-1 year) in my sobriety before dealing with my trauma?

I think the motive behind my husband & sponsor really pushing therapy was: if I deal with all the trauma I won't "want" to drink. Good motives & I am grateful for the support but maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse? Thoughts??? Thx so much!

Supertired

hey kiki, i don't have any experience to share. i just wanted to say you're very courageous, and i know i speak for everyone in the november thread when i say that we're lucky to have ya

strategery

I am sorry to hear that you slipped, but so glad you're back.

I think the decision whether or not to move forward with the therapy, has to be your decision. I can see the rationale for both waiting or moving forward with therapy. However, I don't think it's a good thing if the therapy is so intense that it is resulting in you drinking.

One possibility, is that you could develop a plan as to how you will handle things if you get emotional flooding again. If you're not navigating that plan well when that occurs after this relapse, you may want to delay the therapy until you have more time under your belt.

ALinNS

Great that you are sober again, to answer your question, I started therapy in detox, I stayed and tool their 28 day program in 2012, on a daily basis I was seeing an Addictions Counselor, Group sessions, Physiologist who suggested I also see their Physiatrist, I was 49 at the time, drank since I was 16, had been in and out of detox countless times but no one ever asked why I started in the first place so I didn't tell anyone until 2012, no even my x wife knew, I experienced a traumatic experience at the age of 12, two at the age of 16 and once when I was 20, I drank to bury the memories. In short it changed my life.

Anna

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have gone through something similar and it's very hard. I do think that it's necessary to deal with the underlying issues in order to maintain sobriety, so talking to a therapist is probably a good idea. But, I would caution you to do what 'you' think is the right thing at the right time. Does your therapist think you have started to work on issues too soon or that it's too much for you?

Odelle

Kiki, your strength is admirable; it takes a courageous woman to reach out for help. Should you decide to continue with the therapy, please tell your therapist about the slip and devise a plan with her to help you to deal with the resurfaced emotions.

growpath

Hi Kiki. I don't have experience with this. But thankfully you got some good advice from others....

I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you that it is going to be OK

KiKi0615

I'm so sorry about your trauma! It's not fair, ya know? Were you able to work thru it & maintain sobriety?

If so, any specific tips?

KiKi0615

You're right Strategy! I need to slow down the pace!!! Emotional flooding is not a good thing! I'm waiting for my therapist to call me now...

Thx for you support!

***Anna-I'm Glad you were able to move beyond the trauma & stay sober! Did you have some sobriety under your belt when you started working thru things? Thx!!!

KiKi0615

@supertired & Odelle-thanks for the kind words! They mean so much! I'm trying not to view this slip as a failure but a "bump in the road" & a sign that I need to tweek my plan! Xo

KiKi0615

Thanks grow path! I needed a "cyber hug"! :-)

ALinNS

Good question, for over two years yes however I had stopped going for counseling after a year or less, probably less because of work, was working on a massive farm and when things eased up (harvest over), I didn't go back and we were not finished counseling but making great strides. Went to Cuba for a holiday and slipped (March of last year), ended up going from the airport in Canada to ER, told I was close to death, spent three days there and then straight to Detox. Stayed sober for eight months (I would point out I was not following my plan or counseling) relapsed in November past as I had one drink at a going home party for our migrant workers, that was a 36 day binge, in and out of ER five times, Detox for 3 but they could not keep me due to a long waiting list. I am not proud at all over what happened, my tolerance level for alcohol is off the charts however that is the past and I do not think or dwell on it as it would interfere with the progress I am making.

In short my last time during this (Nov into Dec last year)last trip to ER there was a Dr. here from Australia on a term program, I was in very rough shape but I do remember him setting down and asking me what was going on, I assume he looked at my file on their system. I told him my history, it was a very long conversation, he said you have PTSD and I said yes I know, he asked what medication I was on and why did I stop counseling, I told him I wasn't on any medication and explained work demands left no time for counseling, long story short he put me on a med for PTSD and within two days I could not believe the dreams of what happened, flashbacks during the day and anxiety were gone. He also gave me some Valium to get me through withdraws as Detox told him the same thing, long waiting list.

So I have been sober since Dec 11th or 12th, I saw him on the 11th but can't remember if I drank but I know for certain I did not on the 12th.

Today I see an addictions counselor every other week, physiologist every other week, AA in person once a week, AA online daily, on this site every day, my GF is a Dr in Mental health but not the area I need help with and suggested this site and AVRT (she spoke with a college that deals with PTSD and addictions in Montreal) , I have a sponsor but that is not going so well, I am a RR type which is why I am here and doing excellent but he is more of an AA or no way, I never put all my eggs in one basket, no bad dreams, sleep well, better half and I just bought a home and close Friday, the farm fired me as I was off for so long during a critical time which turns out to be a blessing as I put in 70+ hours a week 70% of the year. Being semi retired decided to go back into business for myself at the new house, I have been a hobby/professional woodworker most of my life and a large customer base, already booked two months solid and only decided this two weeks ago to do this, better half was really encouraging me, Dr said I need to get off the farm and get my life back or I would be dead and he was serious.

So life sober is treating me very well, honestly far beyond my dreams, just have to finish what I started and stick to my plan for the rest of my life, if I do, I will not slip. I slip when I get over tired and stop following my plan, I have what SMART calls a mental relapse before I drink, my better half in hindsight saw this but I didn't, my AV/mind starts playing games and I have always drank to bury it vs reaching out for help, she was away at a conference and I did not want to talk to anyone else when I relapsed in Nov past.

Sorry for the long answer but that is me in a nut shell.

Wishing you the best, professional counseling is very hard (for me) at first but as time went on it became easier. Not sure I could have coped with the questions had I not been in a safe environment for 28 days while they really dug deep, but for me to recover, this had to happen and I am glad it finally did.

Wishing you the best, if you feel overwhelmed, I learned to tell them and they found ways to work around it and lighten up a bit.

Andrew

KiKi0615

UPDATE: I just talked to my psychologist & told her about my slip.

She said "don't beat yourself up! You are dealing with some tough crap! We need to recalibrate (back down a little bit & not deal with so much trauma all at one) and keep moving forward.

She sounded hopeful. I just need to NOT drink no matter what!

Thx guys!

ALinNS

That is excellent news!!! Wishing you the very best and stay close to here, it really helps me.

KiKi0615

Wow Andrew!!! Thanks so much for taking the time to type all that out! It sounds like you are determined & really making progress in your life! That gives me a lot of hope! Hope is essential for me right now!

Keep me posted on how you are doing & great!

ALinNS

Thanks KiKi,

It's been a hellish journey however I love who I am sober, as do people around me and I really enjoy life and blessed in so many ways. Why I waited 33 years to let it out is beyond me, what I know is prior to 2012 nothing really stuck as there was always this underlying mental health issue that the professionals prior to never dug into.

One thing I have found very powerful is helping others or sharing my experience, in many cases in hopes they do not have to go down the road I have been on.

Just keep in mind there is always light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it may appear dim but it's there.

I was reading an article the other day on recovery, I wish I would have saved the site as I can't find it but the Dr. wrote our journey to recovery is like a very long hallway with many doors, some of us have more doors than others. His opinion was we must open every door and see what is behind it, sometimes we are not ready to go through that door so close it and deal with it later, move on to the next door. When we have opened all doors in the hall and dealt with the issues, we are ready to exit. When we exit we are recovered (now he was very clear, we must never drink/use drugs/gamble) whatever your addiction was you need to stay mindful to never go there again. I found this very interesting and true for me.

I also have to be mindful of cross addiction as I slip into it very easy, when I stop drinking I bury myself in work and become a workaholic, I added to the plan I made in 2012 and one thing was boundaries, at this time my life is in balance and I am going to work hard keeping it that way...all part of my plan

Soberwolf

Hi KiKi, first off I think your a very nice kind person my gut instinct tells me that seeing you helping ppl on SR from the get go made me think of you as pure awesomeness

Reinforce your sober plan & never give up

Can't wait to see more posts from you

JohnQPublic

Hey K, I have major trauma in my past too. I have PTSD, depression, and generalized anxiety from it. I was a social user (at least I think) before the trauma. After, I crawled inside a bottle even though I knew it was the wrong way to cope. I see a therapist too and reliving what happened to me....its unbearable sometimes. I have panic attacks, I don't think straight when I get in a fearful victim state of mind. I really feel your pain. The only thing I can say that even though I think I gave up at one point, I am not now. I am trying to live. Be the person I was and I think I can get there but I know it will take time. For me anyway. Scars fade but only in time. I think you are brave for sharing your abuse and trauma and I hope you don't ever give up either. Even though I am not perfect and my recovery is a struggle I would rather die than go back to the drunk that I was, cowering from my wounds. I wish you the best. I know it can be done, so why cant we, right? Be blessed. John

KiKi0615

I love the hallway analogy & I've never heard it before! I saved that!!!

Thanks so much!

KiKi0615

Thanks a lot Soberwolf! That means a lot! :-)