exampleSF

Hello everyone today I am writing because I have to vent about an issue that I recently encountered while being at a drug rehab program. I have no one to talk to, Im alone and I'm trying to understand what good has come out of my experience of sobriety. So maybe someone can give me some input or just listen to me and hear me out. I recently graduated from the a program which was inhouse living. I've been clean now since September 13, 2015. I've struggled with my adiction since I was 15 years old and now I'm 33. It started off with curiosity experimental fun. I begin to use on a daily basis. Prior to my usage as a child I was taking Ritalin for my ADHD. We'll using the effect of it would make me feel normal. It wouldn't make me feel like most people I hung out with (speedy, tweaky or sketchy). Of course I became real depended, it became a way to maintain my lifestyle on a day to day basis .There were very few stages in my life since then that I managed to maintain a sober living. The aftermath of using has left me with multiple health and mental challenges (The psychosis, schizophrenia , social anxiety along withbladder issues that are related to my nerves etc.) Along with all the other health problems that I've developed. These disorders prevents me from doing a lot of things on daily basis. Before entering the program that I was just in, My case worker explained to the Director that I am limited on what I can do, as far as outside treatments. Making everyone aware of my challenges because of my disorders. I was then accepted into the program and moving forward to my next step. My experience at the program wasn't the healthiest for me. I had multiple problems with The director so I began to feel singled out and constantly Target for arguments and disagreements about me not doing outside treatment. I was never congratulated or igknowledges for the fact that I was sober the whole time I was there and still am. My social anxiety prevents me from being around crowds, public places. Besides that sometimes 12-step programs don't work for everybody by forcing someone to do something that doesn't work for them will always end up in a negative outcome. I'm not saying that I don't believe in the 12 step programs, I was just challenged with my issues and was constantly being harassed on a daily basis by staff even after they were well aware of my condition before I even moved in there. Overall I stuck it through and I managed to graduate without relapsing . So the program has staff members that are signed to each client that are required to help you find a place Weather it be housing or another program to go to once you leave there. Well that wasn't the case for me. Even tho I constantly asked and was told that they were looking into it, but not once was I ever talk to by my counselor or the director about any facilities or other programs that I would be able to transition into. Well The last week of my stay there my counselor had come to me in private asking me "if she was to make a appointment with one of the program's they're connected with would I be interested in going " I said yes of course I would. A few days later she pulled me aside in private and told me that she was sorry that she couldnt give me a referral after all. She handed me two numbers to the facilities and said that I would have to call and try to make an appointment myself. The director specifically told her not to give me a referral to any of these programs that they're affiliated with. Her reasons being because I didn't work the program as far as outside treatments which means going to meetings (AA/NA). I did participate with any meetings that were brought to the house and again keep in mind that I still was managing to stay sober. Other clients in the house that didn't participate in any of the outside treatment programs as well , who also ended up a walling and leaving the program for a few days to go out and use we're all referred to another program giving them a place to continue their recovery. I paid close attention to all this and I always brought it up. Asking why wasn't such and such going to a meeting but getting help with referral and why can't I. The staff always told me to work my own program and mind my own business. After talking to many of the other clients there which they informed me that they never went to any outside meetings or did any of the outside treatments.
When you first move in The staff members usually find you a therapist. I did my own research found my own Therapist which I see twice aweek, luckily my therapist was able to get me a voucher for a SRO for 3weeks. Or I'd be on the streets right now.
Now I am not going to lie during my stay there, i was constantly having problems with the director where there were arguments. I'm sure many of the times I wasn't the sweetest person. But I began to notice and so did others that she had developed something personal against me to where she would go out of her way to actually make me have to go through another obstacle to get something done and was very apparent the last day that I was there at the house.
Now The night before my exit date I somewhat had a ceremony they had cake and ice cream for me. Which I was very thankful for and during the ceremony the management team tells you you're always welcome back here for dinner,if you ever feel like you need a safe place your more than welcome to come here during the visiting hours and hang out this will always be your home. many clients that have graduated would come over for dinner during the time I was there.
On the day I was leaving the situation that occurred was really really unnecessary. Now every client when leaving the house is required to have the doctor send a release form so that way your medications can be released to you and that is for protection for the program saying that they are no longer responsible for you. That wasn't a problem for me I had my release form sent to them a week prior. I was trying to leave on Good terms. Well packing my stuff I was then called down to the office and I knew that there was a problem. The staff tells me that basically the director informed them that they were not going to release all my meds to me but they would give me a two-day supply and I would have to go and pick up the rest of my meds from my caseworker. The director was concerned because they were controlled drugs( Klonopin) I take 1 a day and never over did it . Besides when I first moved in there I walked in there with those drugs. Now my caseworker is not my caretaker, I also had a release form from my doctor stating to release them to me . I argued with her for a bit telling her I had legally right and repeatedly asked her why she was doing this, why was she making me go through another hulahoop with my move especially when they didn't help me find a place period. She didn't have any concern that I might have ended up with no place to go and having to stay on the streets. It was very obvious that this was a control thing. The staff member even said I don't understand why she won't give you your pills she's never done this before.
I ended up calling the cops and while we were waiting for the cops to arrive. She had one of the staff members take my pills and leave the facility, she told them in front of me to take the pills and drop them off with one the social workers at the hospital that I go to. She wanted to make it clear that no matter what I was not going to get those pills that I would have to go out of my way to pick them up at the hospital. Because when the cops got there it didn't matter that I had legal documentation, Because my meds were no longere there. So no matter what my rights were there were no pills to give me any more they were out of your hands. Thats kind of sneaky, and very apparent that she was going to have her away. So after the cops left there is really nothing that could've been done I begin to take my stuff and I've moved out during my move I fell sprained my leg, adding one more challenge and trying to travel to go to the hospital and get my pills. Been HIV-positive and her compromising my health by withholding my pills was really wrong of her. I really couldn't do nothing about the situation it was over and done with.
After leaving the program I left with very little finances basically very little money at all. So during the evenings with a sprained leg and all I was going back to the house for dinner. the night staff basically had no problem with me being there. I had accept what happen with the pills and just let that go. A few nights ago one of the other clients that I lived with and formed a friendship with had ended up relapsing. He text me telling me he was in my neighbourhood where I was staying and that he needed someone to talk to. I agreed to go downstairs to meet with him outside. We talked and I convinced him to go back to the program(house) I told him I would take the bus with him making sure that he got there. Well on the bus I called the house to speak with one of the staff members letting them know that he was with me and that he happened, he showed up at my place and I convince to go back. Telling staff that I was on the bus with him making sure he made it back ok. Then I was blown away when the staff member informed me. I guess she had found out the night before that I had been going over there for dinner and then had a staff meeting with everyone telling them I was no longer welcome at the house.
So I feel now very very single out and discriminated because of a personal feelings towards me. I feel like the recovery program there is a joke or its is not about helping the clients with recovery or keeping them safe. I've had some of the other clients there to sneak out food for me the last couple nights. That says a lot about this facility or at least its director.
I keep asking myself what good has come out of this recovery, I feel like when I was using I was in better condition and felt better about myself. The support that I was supposed to have from the program it's not there. I am sober feeling horrible, alone have no money for nothing , cant go back to the house that supposed to be my support network, barely have enough food for my dog , And in a week and a half have to move out of this SRO. With no where to go, I've applied for housing programs but nothing is coming up. I just don't understand I thought that when you become sober good things start happening. What was the point of going to this program that doesn't help you with anything . Or thank you for your time If your read this like I said I was just venting I feel alone and scared and confused right now. Just trying to understand how sober living is even better than when I was using. it sure doesn't feel like it. Again I appreciate your time thank you

Dee74

Hi SF

I'm sorry for all the things that have happened to you recently.

I think the best thing to do now is face forward and focus on your recovery.

With regards to the housing problem, my advice is make a little noise and call all the local avenues you can - state government, city government, county government, charities.

I was looking at being homeless a few years back and eventually one of my many leads came through. Don't give up hope

I know life is hard now. It took me a few months to work through all the problems my addictions had left me with - don't let that discourage you.

Things may be rough now, but they will get better.

They won't get better if you go back to using.

This is a great community - very supportive and a lot of good ideas here

welcome aboard

D

EndGameNYC

Your "rehab" experience sounds like a sober living environment with counseling and 12-Step meetings. The rehab industry exploded during the past two decades or so, and their institutions tend to either shun or mismanage people with longstanding mental health issues. Few people are willing to take in or offer appropriate treatment for people who carry dual diagnoses, in large part for economic reasons.

Your issue with meds is not at all atypical. It's more about covering your own ass when it comes to controlled substances than it is about thoughtful and effective treatment. But healthcare providers have also learned hard lessons about providing drugs for people whose actions may appear to be more or less unpredictable.

Ending up in the mental health "system" can sometimes be a nightmare. Professional burnout runs rampant, and many workers have simply given up hope for people with complicated or chronic and persistent mental illness. Yet there are still many good people doing the work that needs to be done.

Our world is generally not set up for providing adequate or compassionate care for people with addictions and/or mental illness. We tend to scare people while raising their own anxieties (and, therefore, their anger), and we often provoke disgust accompanied by a special kind of shame among those who are unwilling or unable to help us.

There are people who can help and who are happy to do so. If you haven't already done it, I strongly recommend that you contact NAMI -- the National Association for Mental Illness. If they cannot help you directly, I'm certain that they can at least point you in a good direction.

NAMI San Francisco Home - NAMI San Francisco

It's a good thing that you came here for help. Reaching out is such an important step in personal growth and getting what we need. Suffering with mental illness or psychiatric symptoms is heartbreaking beyond imagination. But it doesn't have to end there.

I wish you peace of mind and a better place.

Blacky

Well that sounded like an ordeal.

Hope you find some resources that can help you out.

Meraviglioso

I am really sorry for what you are going through, it sounds difficult and hurtful to say the least.
Everything EndGame said is spot on. I know that it may feel like the staff members are trying to "punish" you or make your life difficult with the med situation but I'm pretty sure it has to do with rules and regulations. I worked at a group home for mentally ill adults and there were extremely strict protocols to follow with client medications- both prescription and non prescription.
Please do find a way to get to the hospital to get your medication if you haven't already. You seem to be very aware of how important it is that you take it. I know it is a pain in the rear to have to go somewhere else when you could have just received the pills right then and there, but regardless of the annoyance and inconvenience it is crucial that you put in the effort.

Burnout is high among CSB workers and those in the mental health field. It is not so much the daily work but also dealing with all of the government regulations and endless mountains of paperwork. People get tired, and unfortunately cranky, and even more unfortunately end up taking this out on the people who need it the least- their caseload.
But there are good people working in the field. You need to be your own advocate and search to find the people, places and programs that work for you. Check out the link that EndGame posted.

As for your sobriety, congratulations on making it this far, that is a massive accomplishment. I get that right now it feels like it hasn't even been worth it but that is your frustration and fear talking. Whether or not your recognize it now you have made forward progress in getting clean. Start making some phone calls and visits, finding secure housing as well as support is crucial right now. It is a daunting task, but it also is possible with continued effort on your part. One foot in front of the other.

Wishing you the very best as you deal with this in the coming days and weeks. Hold on to your sobriety, it can only help you in times like these.

Soberwolf

Welcome Example nice to meet you