So lonely
 

I slipped up this weekend and drank a fifth of tequila and 2 cases of beer. I even had the Jimmy John's delivery guy bring one of those cases. I'm not even ready to laugh about that yet. My sister blocked my phone number after I was so hateful to her. My mom is so disappointed in me because I cancelled her long awaited plans of seeing Beauty and the Beast (theatrical play) today. I don't know what to do. I hate myself for drinking. I can't forgive myself, although I've prayed night after night. No 'normal' person knows what it's like to have an addiction. I'm the only one in my family with alcoholism and my family just doesn't understand. I don't want to be an alcoholic. No one does.

But you are. And it's treatable. You wrote this when you returned to SR after a long absence:

Maybe it's time to take it seriously. And if not AA, then some form of recovery. Because what you've been doing isn't working, and the despair you have after you drink makes sobriety seem impossible.

It's not. But you do have to stop drinking.

Addiction, by its very nature, is isolating. We don't want anybody to know, we hide our drinking from others and don't share our misery with people who might be able to help. We drink because we're lonely, but our drinking only isolates us more, causing even more loneliness. And so around and around the merry-go-round we go.

That's a lot of booze to put away in one weekend, but you know that. Where do you go from here? Two choices: keep going the way you are and isolate even further, or reach out for help. You're here, so you want to get better. You're right, nobody wants to be an alcoholic. You don't have to be either. But if you keep drinking you are only going to feel worse.

You will always be an alcoholic, even if you get sober. What you don't have to be is lonely. You have to start somewhere - why don't you give AA another chance? If anyone understands what it's like to be an alcoholic, they do. They will welcome you, embrace you, support you, and give you the fellowship you need right now. One thing we don't have when we're lonely and isolating is accountability, and if there is anything an alcoholic needs, it's accountability. When you're alone, you're accountable to no one but yourself. You gotta reach out and wrap some support around you. Coming to SR is a good start because we do understand. But it sounds like you need to add more to your plan.

Stop drinking today and get one going. We can help.

Oh Carrie.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. That we all have.

But some people are tall, some short, some blonde, some brunette; some addicted to alcohol, some not.

We pulled the wrong card on this one, but not on others.

It is not easy to stop drinking, but it is possible, you can do it.

But you need to want it.

Cause while you do have to be an alcoholic, you do not have to be a drunk.

That is a choice you make every time you drink.

Choose to join us non-drinkers - you owe it to yourself. Cause once you know you are an alcoholic, drinking ceases being fun.

But you know that.

Join us -- we will help you.

I didn't want to become an alcoholic, either. But I did. And after five years sober, I still am. I've just been given a daily reprieve.
I, too, let so many people down when they counted on me. I was either drunk or hungover and it happened many, many times.

You're not alone. I once bought a fifth of tequila and a twelve pack because I had been sober for four days and thought I earned it.
I've had delivery people buy me booze, also, because I was too full of fear and anxiety to leave the house.

I feel for you. I know what you're going through feels like because I lived that way, at the end of my drinking, for ten years.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Carrie, don't put energy into wishing your family would understand how hard this is. I was in the same situation as you and I realized, if I wanted to stay sober, I didn't have the energy to invest in wishing and hoping my family would understand. Just take that energy and focus on you and healing. Things will work out with your family as they are meant to be.

Keep it as a close memory of what happens when we pick up, been down the road you are on a few times, Christmas was the worst, all I had left was my dog. People come back into our lives in time, some faster than others, people I miss will still have nothing to do with me so I respect that and give them their space and time. Overall though two of the closest people in my life are back, my better half and things are better than ever which is hard to believe as they were damn near perfect until November past, and my son. Working on my daughter but that one will take time and family. In my case as a single parent from their teen age years, I have come to understand dad was put on a pedestal and I fell off, my daughter just can't seem to get her head around this sickness, however I understand and it's the past, what she see's today and in the future is what I am in control of.
Andrew

What are you going to do to remain sober ? a plan helps massively

My best advice is get a plan & anytime cravings strike reach out first

Carrie, sending you a massive hug because it sounds like you need it.
You also need, as others have mentioned, a solid plan. You can .
Unfortunately those that do not suffer from the disease of addiction have a hard time wrapping their minds around it. A short aside, I remember once my therapist told me, in an attempt to relate to me and explain how she felt with things, that she was addicted to chocolate. She would sometimes lock herself int he bathroom and eat a 1 kilo bar of chocolate (that's like 2 pounds) in minutes. Even as someone suffering from my own addiction to alcohol I had a hard time wrapping my mind around someone eating such a huge quantity of chocolate in minutes.
I have personally found that it is possible to move forward without the understanding or support of those closest to me. The further I get into sobriety and the more successes that I reach the more they trust me and have come on board with supporting me. You may find the same yourself.
Would you like to give AA another try? Do you think it would help you? There are also other kinds of face to face support meetings available. You could also consider seeing your doctor about medication that could help- there are several ways to medically help an alcoholic whether that be to lessen depression and/or anxiety, to deal with cravings, to make it impossible to drink without becoming ill or to help heal the alcoholic brain.
One thing is for sure though, not doing anything about the problem is no way to solve it.
Wishing you well today, I know all too well the deep shame and depression after a binge.

Thank you all so much for the replies. I needed it. I did not go to the ER but did dump out all the alcohol in my apartment. I've been crying a lot, though. My mom's words "you've been laid up in your apartment all weekend drinking yourself to death" keeps replaying in my mind.

Dumping it out is a great start. Now how about taking care of yourself in some way? Part of really and truly wanting to get sober is starting to love and respect yourself and your body. Treat yourself well today after abusing your body, heart and mind these past few days. Cook yourself a nice, wholesome and healthy meal. If you are able to get yourself up and about a slow walk somewhere, even just 15-30 minutes to get some fresh air. You will feel proud of yourself for doing that.
If you have a bathtub, take a hot bath to relax, soak out some of the toxins and just shut everything out for a while. Take a cup of herbal tea with you into the bath and sip on that. Take care of yourself, you deserve it. You don't need to poison yourself anymore, you don't need to abuse yourself anymore with alcohol. You deserve more.

Mera, thank you so much for your reply. I am going for a run to get my mind away from this. I do have a bathtub and have taken several baths to relax. As weird as it is, I love working up a sweat and always feel much better after I do so. Physically, I will make myself feel better. Mentally, I don't know what to do.

A run sounds like a great idea and I am sure it will help a bit mentally. Unfortunately with all the alcohol you put into your system it is going to take a few days for you to feel brighter. But stay sober and ot will come, keep at sobriety and things will continue to improve. You may not find a delirious state of joy, but you will be better than you are while drinking and really be able to clearly evaluate if you are also depressed and get ypurself some help for that. No matter what though, by not drinking you can only go up. Now go take that run!

Just wanted to send ((hugs))

Others have posted really good action items you can take with you today.

Looking forward to hearing from you tomorrow :)

A few years ago I went to rehab. on the drive down, My father said "why don't you just stop drinking?"

Wow! Why didn't I think of that. Turn the car around, I'm cured!!

Non-alcoholics can never really understand. They look at us like we have a choice. When friends tell me to just stop after a couple pints, they show their complete ignorance about about addiction and the brain.

My brother hasn't spoken to me for 4 years and my mother barely speaks to me because of one instance where I got blackout drunk. So I know how you are feeling right now

My sister won't speak to me after my last bender. My parents were upset, but that has faded in the last couple weeks.

Like Anna said, we can't worry about trying to get them to understand. I had to do what I needed to do to sober up. If I obsessed over what my sister thought of me, it would be reason enough to keep drinking. Luckily I have other sources of support. And so do you!

So glad you dumped the booze. Don't get more. Pick yourself back up. All is not lost. We are here.

You all are amazing. I jogged around my apartment complex but it's so damn cold I couldn't catch my breath. I don't feel relieved, yet. I've been here before and know it will take a few days to feel better. I'm just so disappointed in myself.

Glad to hear you are doing better. I had a lapse recently as well, but today I am waking up after a restful night, realizing that would not be happening if I was still drinking.
I also have issues with friends and family understanding, except they keep saying "you are not an alcoholic - I know/knew an alcoholic and they (were drunk all the time/had multiple DUIs/couldn't keep a job...etc)"
You and I are fortunate that we are not that extreme and we are going to stay sober for ourselves and how good it makes us feel. As others have said - keep that sick, disgusted, anxious feeling in the front of your mind, but know you never have to feel that way again. Yes it can be lonely, but focus on your recovery and go to as many AA or other meetings as you can. Even if you don't fully buy into the whole 12 step program, just being around others who understand is the best medicine.
WE can do this✊

Well, I survived! Didn't sleep well and am already looking forward to going back to bed. I'm shaky and severely dehydrated, but at least made it into work. I'm keeping my ice water filled up. I never, ever want to feel this way again. It feels worse than usual.

I'm glad you got to work and are feeling a bit better.

Would it be a good idea to come with some ideas for what to do when you feel like that again? I hope you get through the day alright.