Delilah1

I was going to post something very similar. If you didn't care you would have just disappeared, you wouldn't have posted. From your post it sounds like you have some money saved up, maybe you can look into a nice treatment center.

I hope you decide you are worth stopping.

SoberinSyracuse

You posted this an hour ago. Have you picked up the phone to find a detox or inpatient program yet?

MikeM

No... I'm afraid to do so.

SoberinSyracuse

Why? Because if you do, you may have to man up to your words and stop drinking?

I won't keep urging you to stop or take action, because it sounds like you truly do want to keep drinking. I have no right to interrupt you in that. Good luck.

Obladi

Adding your pledge to your signature line isn't going to change a thing. You just updated it the other day to wipe your slate clean, didn't you?

There's nothing for You to be afraid of, Mike.
It's your addiction that is afraid.

The internet will easily get you to someone that will help. Your addiction is shaking in his boots, but YOU can do this.

Call someone. Today.
Here are some ideas. Pick one of these or something else.
AA
Inpatient Rehab
Intensive Outpatient
Your physician

Krisinwi

Your mental health might not be as good as your physical health? Dump the beer.

MikeM

I really don't want to keep drinking. I want to quit right now. I'm finding myself unable to do that.

I have OCD. That is a big factor in my difficulty to quit right now.

But my real fear of calling for help is the unknown. I don't care what people think. But I anticipate pain. Like, if you take me out of this and into rehab, it will hurt.

And any in-patient or detox facility reminds me of the mental institutions I used to be in for 4 months once and 10 months the second time. It's a trauma. I can already smell the particular type of bed sheets they use there.

This was all before I started drinking and I had different problems. But it was traumatic. Especially having been locked up in the isolation chamber. I can still smell how it smelt there.

A hexagon shaped chamber, far away from the rest of the facility. A heavy door. No windows except the one in the door, but that one was closed from the outside. Only every once in a while a guy would slide it open, telling me to sleep. I was pacing around in a psychosis. Didn't sleep all night.

It had dimmed lights. A mattress on the floor in the middle. A cardboard plate for a toilet, with a roll of toilet paper next to it.

Locked in there. No possible way out. Pacing around all night in just one of those paper jackets.

That trauma gets triggered when I think about going to any type of facility.

Hawkeye13

That's not what an alcohol treatment place looks like.
The expensive ones, which you could afford, are like luxury spas.

You've got a lot of reasons you "can't" stop Mike
Maybe you really just aren't ready yet?

Fly N Buy

Around 90 daze my delusional thinking started to abate. The pride started to level - grandiose thoughts of I'm special, I'm a cut above, false bravado etc could be faced without illusion and a clear mind.

I am not unique, just another bozo on the bus - run of the mill drunk with stinkin thinkin, nothing more. The odds were very much against me until I accepted what I was/the problem and accepted the solution.

Many can do one without the other.........just look around.

Dropsie

Good for you Mike. We will hold you too that, and sound like you will too.

Here is to a new start.

MikeM

I'm ready. Not being ready is an excuse anyway.

I am trying so hard right now. I am still terrified of making a call, hopefully I will get to the point of actually doing it.

And I'm fighting the beer, but the urge it too overwhelming. I really want to quit this second, but I just can't. It's absurd. I cannot stop doing it. I know it is possible, but the feeling that makes me drink is so strong.

Really, I'm trying. Doesn't anyone else have this? Is it just me who cannot resist?

Opivotal

I wanted to quit drinking for years. I wanted it to happen on its own. Didn't do a darn thing to help myself, but complain, whine, feel sorry for myself and wait for the "sober fairy" to show up.

No one can help you until you want to help yourself. Sounds so simple doesn't it? Yet, it took me years to come to this realization. I understand this Mike.

When you look in the mirror and decide enough is enough, the excuses stop. You'll do anything and everything to stop the madness and reclaim your life.

Drinking is not living it's merely existing. I think we were put here for more than that.

Whatever you have to to to get and stay sober is worth it.

If this is what you truly want. How bad do you want it, Mike?

ZeldaFan

Mike, for years I swore that I would never be able to stop either. It took me really wanting it to be able to do it. Once I decided that I wanted to be sober more than anything else in the world, it was then I was able to actually make the decision to be sober. You made the comment that every alcoholic is miserable or something along those lines. I'm an alcoholic and I'm quite happy and thankful at the moment because I'm an alcoholic who isn't drinking.

emme99

Mike, I read your posts and I really hope you can stop and throw out the beer. I agree with Hawkeye, please check out some of the more expensive rehab centers. They are nothing like what you talk about in your post and would give you a good start to your first year of sobriety. Keeping you in my thoughts, I hope you stop soon.

Obladi

Alright, so let's compromise.
Keep drinking the one beer, slowly. Use the clock as your guide - that should appeal to your OCD self? One sip every ten minutes. Before each sip, you must pour a beer out. You can do that, I know you can.

desertsong

Mike, I've been following your posts for awhile now, and one thing that stands out to me is the ambivalence. I believe you want to quit. I also believe you want to keep drinking. The reason I know this, is because that was me too. I was torn between, "God, I don't want to live this way anymore," and "F--- it." So I totally get it, and my heart breaks for you because the waffling keeps you from making any decision other than to just keep going the way you are.

You remind me of a friend I had back in Wyoming. He has been an alcoholic pretty much his entire adult life. He would have periods of sobriety followed by horrendous benders. He'd just hit the bottle out of the blue one day and be blacked out drunk for a couple of weeks, during which he would easily down a half gallon of vodka a day. Like you, money isn't an issue for him (he has a very successful business and fortunately or unfortunately for him, his employees keep it running when he's on a bender), so he could afford to have as much booze as he wanted delivered to him so he didn't have to go out and drive. His benders always wound up with him in the hospital at the end, although there were numerous times when he would rip out his IV and leave against doctor's orders. He has the dubious distinction of having the most hospitalizations for detox in that small town (over 50 times). In between benders, he would live a healthy lifestyle (eating well, exercising, etc.). He would always tell me how the doctors just couldn't believe he survived so many benders with BAC levels over .5, and actually seemed to brag about it. I guess the periods of health in between his benders were what was saving him. In spite of the heavy benders, he was still in very good health.

This went on for many, many years until the last couple of years. I was always amazed that he would go back to drinking after each bender, but his problem was that he never had any consequences. His employees would run the business, there was always one of them who would clean up his house and make sure he had food, they would check in on him and make sure he hadn't injured or killed himself, and they got him to the hospital when things were at their worst.

But his luck began running out eventually. He started injuring himself during blackouts, breaking bones, getting black eyes, being incontinent all over his house, and during one bender his beloved cat (who had been sick for awhile) died and he didn't even know it. His doctors started warning him about possible neurological damage. During detox from his last bender, he again left the hospital against doctor's orders, got a cab home, then got in his car to go get more booze. He got pulled over for DUI, hit a tree in his neighbor's yard (with his very expensive Range Rover), and ended up in jail for a few days, where he had to detox with a BAC of .4. When he got out of jail, he went to treatment for 30 days, but I'm sure it was only because he has charges hanging over his head and he wants to appease the judge. He's been to treatment countless time but it never stuck because he just thinks it's a joke. I remain dubious as to whether treatment will stick this time as this has been a pattern of his for many, many years.

Sorry for the long story, but he kind of reminds me of you. After each bender, he would say that he really wants to be sober and that this time it will "stick." And I think he really means it (like we all do). But I never really believe it because he seems to think he is Superman, and when he gets the urge to drink again, he will do it because his thinking is along the lines of, "Hey, I'm healthy as a horse and I can take it."

Mike, you want help or you wouldn't be here. And I do believe you mean it when you say you really want to be sober. But you give in to your AV without a fight. I'm not sure what your plan for sobriety was when you got sober for those 7 days, but something clicked, at least for awhile. Dig deep, my friend. Find out what it was. Make a better plan. Go to treatment if necessary. Whatever it takes. I don't care how healthy you are - health really has nothing to do with it. You could still injure or kill yourself in a blackout or die in your sleep from alcohol poisoning. Don't let good health convince you that you are bulletproof. I believe you want sobriety, but do you want it badly enough to do whatever it takes?

Prove to yourself that you MEAN IT by getting rid of the beer NOW. If you can't do it, you don't want it enough. Just do it. Then stay here on SR all day and talk to us. You've gotta get another Day 1 under your belt in order to move forward. Research sobriety plans today. Google the effects of alcohol abuse on the body. Read about it. Absorb it. Know that no matter how "healthy" you are, that could still be you some day. There are lots of ways to die, but one you can prevent is death due to alcoholism, which is an ugly way to go. You don't want that and we don't want it for you, even if you live to be 100 and still able to drink 3 cases of beer every day.

Make a plan, Mike. Do it today. You know you want to.

Obladi

Also, I haven't been inpatient, but some of them sound like a high amenities hotels to me. They will make you comfortable while you withdraw. Imagine how lovely that will be.

MikeM

Wow. Thanks for the long post. I am not unappreciative and that's putting it mildly. I read it word for word. And it taught me a lot. I really appreciate it.

Some things you said got burned into my brain. They will help me tremendously. Thanks!

MikeM

Obladi, you are so sweet and helpful.

Btw, I'm assuming you are a woman. If not, the line above sounds kind of weird.

In that case I would say that I appreciate you helping me. It all goes in and has an impact.

I suppose that would work for both genders.

In any case, it goes in and helps. Thanks for that.

It may not sound like much, but I've changed a little already. I'm drinking more slowly. And I'm not intent on drinking everything I have. And the major one, not drink as much as I can to get as drunk as possible.

It's not sobriety, but they are positive developments.

Anna

Mike, the best thing you can do right now is to stop drinking now and get rid of the alcohol you have in the house. You WILL be able to do this. You are far stronger than the AV.