StrongBird

I feel like I need to answer this question to myself. It's why I started drinking again after a long period of sobriety and it just nags away at me unanswered. I have never been a daily drinker. At my absolute worst, many years ago, I'd drink to blackout every 3rd day. This round, I was drinking to blackout every week or every other week. But my experiences with moderation are so mixed and I need to understand the root of why.

If I am home alone and the urge to drink hits, I have no control. I will drink until it's gone or I basically black out. I look exactly like the typical alcoholic. I am not me.

However, if I go out with friends, I have zero issues having one or two. I don't white knuckle my way through it, I don't look to sneak more, I am honestly completely fine.

Why? And am I the only one out there like this?

Am I just earlier in my journey and eventually I'd lose control everywhere?
Am I using alcohol to cope and what I really need to do is uncover why I want to climb out of my skin? Aka, is cutting out drinking actually putting out the wrong fire?

I'm ok with giving it up completely, but I am not ok with not understanding why my experiences vary so much. Why am I a complete, typical alcoholic alone and a regular, normal social drinker out with people?

SoberinSyracuse

My guess is that it's because your social-drinking acquaintances can't keep up with you.

We were talking about this in group the other night, why so many of us did our heaviest drinking alone. We all agreed that our tolerance and the heaviness of our drinking had to be done in private.

PennyLane76

Strong Bird.. that is me, to a tee. Many others here as well.

Maybe because motivations different social drinking vs. at home? But I cannot manage the at home while still social drinking, so both are out. That's the plan.

desertsong

I could drink with friends/acquaintances without getting hammered because I didn't want them to think I was a drunk. I saved the drunken sloppiness for when I was home alone. Maybe that's you?

Obladi

Same here. I could and did easily go out with friends occasionally for a drink. Usually I would have just one, and at times I'd keep it to only 1/2. Unthinkable if you truly have a problem, right? Nope.

You are not destined to lose control everywhere and fall into the stereotype of a skid row bum or whatever it is you see as a "typical" alcoholic. I never did.

If you are ok with giving it up completely, do that. Postponing the quitting until you figure out the "why" of it all is just a trick your addiction is playing on you. It will use every possible angle to keep you drinking, I promise you.

If the why is still important after you've got some time under your belt, you can work on figuring it out then.

ScottFromWI

I used to think that way too. Why can't I just drink only on ( insert any amount, frequency, duration or other variable here ).

In the end, there is no answer to "why" I am an alcoholic, I just AM an alcoholic. Trying to find our why was really an attempt deep down to "fix" myself so I could regain control of my drinking, but of course that is impossible for an alcoholic.

You will need to decide for yourself if your drinking is bad enough that you are an Alcohilic or not. You don't even need to use the term alcoholic if you don't want to. But it's a decision only you can make. I would say though that drinking to blackout on any regular basis is a HUGE red flag, even if it's only once a week or even once a month. Even one blackout drunk is a clear indicator of lack of control over alcohol.

StayStrong33

Drinking to my hearts content would have been pure embarrassment around friends so I didn't drink as much around them either. It also costs a lot more to get wasted at a bar/restaurant. No judgment and cheaper at home. I stopped early enough in the progression but I do believe it would have gotten to where it didn't matter social or alone one day.

thomas11

Hi Strongbird, you are certainly not alone. I am the same way. Home alone I will drink until drunk. When out, I drink soda. Always have. I don't know why you do it, but I figured out why I did it. I did it because I didn't trust myself drinking in public. Never knew how it would go. So to be safe, I just didn't drink.

SoberLife90

Finding out why is something you may never understand. You mentioned that it is okay for you to quit completely. You know the answer. I know that I can't drink like a regular person because I am basically all or nothing. You say that you are flippity flop, but it's still the same solution, complete abstinence.

Anna

I'm not sure there is a typical alcoholic.

If you have no control over your drinking, as you say, then you are an alcoholic. But, please remember, it's just a term, a word, a label - no more, no less. If drinking is impacting your life negatively and having blackout suggest that it is, then why not stop? I suspect that you would find the answers to your questions in your recovery journey.