Vinificent

New to the recovery process and need some help with friends and drinking. While my friends would never force drinks on me, I do feel annoyed and envious that they are buzzed and happy but I am struggling. It's so hard because I love my friends and would hate to alienate them, but I would much rather be working on my SMART or in an AA room. The other problem is that my husband does not have a drinking problem, and acts like I am punishing him when I do not want to go out with our friends. I try to encourage him to go without me but he doesn't like to / feels embarrassed explaining my absence. So either I go and be anxious / miserable, or we end up in an argument. Could really use some advice here...thanks 😔

Penelopepitstop

I'm in the same boat as you. I've made excuses not to go to dinner with my friends this evening for that exact reason. I feel so odd for doing it. I think I need to keep away from social events where alcohol is present for the next few weeks. I'm not ready for it and I'm not starting back a square 1. I'm sure they will enjoy the new me when they get to meet me. They have already spoken to me about my drinking (which hurt a lot) I want to be in control when we meet again. Maybe do a few trial runs 1st like going out for dinner with my husband and not drinking. Something I've never done.
Good luck with your recovery.

JD

This is a delema in early sobriety. The wishful thinking of drinking and being uncomfortable around those that do drink. I don't know how many days sober you are, but can you get your husband to understand that at least for the near future you'd prefer not to be put into a position were others are drinking? I'm 130+ days sober and I no longer have that longing to drink or feel uncomfortable when others are. The first few times I was around other drinkers it definitely felt awkward but as you get more comfortable being a non-drinker that goes away. At least for me.

Good luck to you.

Odelle

Vinificent, IMO, you should continue to do anything and everything to protect your sobriety. Don't let others dictate your actions or make you feel guilty about your decision to improve you. If being in the drinking environment leaves you anxious, don't go. You may want to have a heart-to-heart with your SO, and maybe come up with a compromise as to where you are willing to go for an evening out. Since your SO doesn't have a drinking problem, it may be hard for him to comprehend the extent of your addiction. Sometimes it is helpful to put it in terms that they can relate to, such as a severe peanut allergy. If consuming or being around peanuts was detrimental to your health, would he support your peanut-free lifestyle? I know it sounds silly, but non-alcoholics just don't get it, sometimes.

Delilah1

I agree with what others have said, now is the time to be protective of our sobriety. If you are not feeling ready to be out around alcohol, don't donit yet. See if you can make plans with your friends over the weekend for coffee, to go to the gym, shopping, a walk.

There are lots of ways to spend time with them and do things that don't involve drinking. I have told several of my friends I am not drinking and we have made alternate plans the past several weeks.

I know it is difficult, but you can do it

My husband still drinks, and once the kids are asleep I take my book and head up to my room, he is up shortly after, and although he is not drinking a lot, I have the distinct advantage of feeling better in the morning than he does!

❤️Delilah

Vinificent

Thanks Penelope - I only told 2 close friends (besides my H and daughter - who is 21 and now legal - a BIG reason I want to set a good example). They were understanding but then talked me into going to Trivia Night - at a microbrewery 😨! I need to stay strong and AA has been a great place for support, but my loved ones just don't get it and just want the old me back - the one that could have a couple beers and not spin off into a full blown bender. I have been reading the Alanon threads and wish H would go to a meeting but he hasn't accepted that I have a problem, nevermind himself.

Vinificent

Thank you JD - it's a great motivator knowing that "odd man out" feeling lessens as you get longer into sobriety. I think the more times I say "No thanks - I don't drink", the more ppl will remember and accept it.

Vinificent

Thanks Odelle and Delilah. I plan to take your advice and just stay away for awhile. I hope my H can understand; when we argue it is a huge trigger and I don't want to end up giving in. I thought it would be better to just give in and go but it isn't. I just hope he gets it soon. I know this isn't what most people mean when they say alcohol ruined their relationships, but that seems to be what's happening.

Soberwolf

This might help ?

How do I cope with a partner who drinks?

Martin1883

I just cannot relate to a spouse that is not "supportive" of the other one.

Especially when it comes to health!

tomsteve

itsa bugger early on. heres a reading from the 24hrs a day book:
AA Thought for the Day
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.

Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?

Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it God cannot give me this power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.

Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life.

Vinificent

Thanks all for the tips and good articles. H and I had a long talk and I thought he understood how serious I am now, but his last comment was "you can still order a glass of wine when we go out - just stop at one"...I didn't respond; baby steps...like many have said - I need to be in control of my sobriety, so I need to just not order it. I can't expect everyone else to get it as long as I do ☝

Aurora7431

Sometimes you may need to cancel plans/events if you think they will risk your sobriety. It's perfectly ok. The people who love you will understand. They will stay.

One trick that works for me when I'm out is to order tonic water with lime. Cheaper without the vodka 💰