My Intro
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 16
My Intro
Hi, wanted to give my intro. I have a serious history of alcoholism on both sides of my family: 2 Uncles (one on each side of the family) have died of alcoholism, and my mother's father was an abusive alcoholic (fortunately I was never around him).
My first good experience with alcohol was when I was 16. I have always and continue to be painfully shy. At a party with my best friend, we had a couple of wine coolers and suddenly that shyness was gone. I wasn't self-conscious, I was at ease with the people around me and finally felt like I belonged.
The first time I felt I was not normal was when I was 19. My parents left for a couple of weeks and I had my over 21 boyfriend buying alcohol every night. I realized that I asked for it to celebrate a great day, or because I had a bad day. I was able to quickly rationalize my consumption.
A few years later, my friends and I started to go to clubs and obviously drinking helped once again with my shyness and my dancing ability. I vividly remember a trip home with my friend, where we discussed that neither of us had an "off" button when it came to drinking, like our other friends. Another warning, but I was young and didn't really think it was serious.
Since then, I met my husband, have 3 daughters (a 10 year old and twin 9 year olds), and gained a successful career. I drink almost every single night. I did quit completely both times I was pregnant, thank goodness. My stepsons also live with us, one is 20, the other is 19 years old with non-verbal autism. Especially when the girls were younger, people would ask me "how do you do it? you have your hands full!" and in my mind, I would always respond "with wine." Sometimes I would tell the truth, that I drink wine to deal and people would laugh and agree. Now that I am further along in my drinking, I cringe at all of the "Mommy and Wine" jokes that are on social media.
Anyways, my go to is wine, but if I have no wine, I will drink whatever is available, even my husband's whiskey. I am so typical, drinking before any social event, if I am at a neighbor's for a get together I will find reasons to sneak home and get a "little" bit more. I am known for leaving a get together to fall asleep and not return.
I am now seeing an impact on my daughters, and it fills me with so much guilt and overall feeling of helplessness. For example, New Years Eve, we were invited down to the neighbors to set off fireworks. I started with wine at about 5:00, went to the neighbor's at 7:30 already buzzed, came back to my house a few more times for refills, and turned in around 10:00 for the night (without saying goodbye, of course!). My oldest twin came in right before midnight to wake me up , and I yelled at her to leave me alone because I was too tired. She tried her hardest to celebrate with me, and I turned her away in anger because I was passed out drunk. The next morning, I was so full of shame to remember her pleading to just get up for midnight. The alcohol won again. I talked to her and told her I was just really tired, and she said it was the first New Years we didn't celebrate together. My heart was broken. The way she looked at me, the raw hurt and disappointment, was just awful.
So now, 19 days later, I am making a commitment to myself and family. I was able to quit for about 60 days this past fall, so I know I can do this again, long term. I need to stop using the stresses of life as excuses, keep with my recovery plan, and use this site as much as possible. My family deserves a happy, healthy me. I deserve to be healthy and happy. This will be the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I am up for the challenge.
My first good experience with alcohol was when I was 16. I have always and continue to be painfully shy. At a party with my best friend, we had a couple of wine coolers and suddenly that shyness was gone. I wasn't self-conscious, I was at ease with the people around me and finally felt like I belonged.
The first time I felt I was not normal was when I was 19. My parents left for a couple of weeks and I had my over 21 boyfriend buying alcohol every night. I realized that I asked for it to celebrate a great day, or because I had a bad day. I was able to quickly rationalize my consumption.
A few years later, my friends and I started to go to clubs and obviously drinking helped once again with my shyness and my dancing ability. I vividly remember a trip home with my friend, where we discussed that neither of us had an "off" button when it came to drinking, like our other friends. Another warning, but I was young and didn't really think it was serious.
Since then, I met my husband, have 3 daughters (a 10 year old and twin 9 year olds), and gained a successful career. I drink almost every single night. I did quit completely both times I was pregnant, thank goodness. My stepsons also live with us, one is 20, the other is 19 years old with non-verbal autism. Especially when the girls were younger, people would ask me "how do you do it? you have your hands full!" and in my mind, I would always respond "with wine." Sometimes I would tell the truth, that I drink wine to deal and people would laugh and agree. Now that I am further along in my drinking, I cringe at all of the "Mommy and Wine" jokes that are on social media.
Anyways, my go to is wine, but if I have no wine, I will drink whatever is available, even my husband's whiskey. I am so typical, drinking before any social event, if I am at a neighbor's for a get together I will find reasons to sneak home and get a "little" bit more. I am known for leaving a get together to fall asleep and not return.
I am now seeing an impact on my daughters, and it fills me with so much guilt and overall feeling of helplessness. For example, New Years Eve, we were invited down to the neighbors to set off fireworks. I started with wine at about 5:00, went to the neighbor's at 7:30 already buzzed, came back to my house a few more times for refills, and turned in around 10:00 for the night (without saying goodbye, of course!). My oldest twin came in right before midnight to wake me up , and I yelled at her to leave me alone because I was too tired. She tried her hardest to celebrate with me, and I turned her away in anger because I was passed out drunk. The next morning, I was so full of shame to remember her pleading to just get up for midnight. The alcohol won again. I talked to her and told her I was just really tired, and she said it was the first New Years we didn't celebrate together. My heart was broken. The way she looked at me, the raw hurt and disappointment, was just awful.
So now, 19 days later, I am making a commitment to myself and family. I was able to quit for about 60 days this past fall, so I know I can do this again, long term. I need to stop using the stresses of life as excuses, keep with my recovery plan, and use this site as much as possible. My family deserves a happy, healthy me. I deserve to be healthy and happy. This will be the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I am up for the challenge.
Come here often for support. This site has helped me stay sober for six years now. I know it can do the same for you. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
KT,
I have similar guilt over my daughter, but did not stop when she asked. She asked and I did not stop -- I will never forgive myself.
Now I have stopped, but don't wait another decade, please don't do what I did. You don't get the years back.
Just writing this made me want a drink, but I won't, ever again, and I won't change my mind.
Join me;
I have similar guilt over my daughter, but did not stop when she asked. She asked and I did not stop -- I will never forgive myself.
Now I have stopped, but don't wait another decade, please don't do what I did. You don't get the years back.
Just writing this made me want a drink, but I won't, ever again, and I won't change my mind.
Join me;
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,592
You are not alone KT. The kids and guilt. Always the guilt, remorse, shame and sorrow. I have been sober now for only 30 days but things are changing and I can now meet people's gaze and feel on equal footing with others. I feel proud (slowly) around my kids now as I have nothing to hide anymore. Please keep coming back KT the results of becoming sober are incalcuble. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
Welcome KT and congrats on 19 days! Please stick around, read the threads and post when you need/want to. I am 14 days sober thanks to SR. This place is full of love and support, resources and guidance. Do this for you and do this for your kids. I have 2 boys and I do not want them growing up seeing their mom as a drunk. I refuse to do it. Use that shame and guilt as a motivator to never be that mom again. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
A warm welcome KT, I can tell from your story you've come to the right place. There's lots of us here feel we've let our kids down. But what we can do is get sober and be a better parent (better everything actually). Do whatever you can to get some sober time and then watch closely as your relationships steadily get better.
Love and luck to you.
xx
Love and luck to you.
xx
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,054
I cringe at all of the "Mommy and Wine" jokes
Yes....me too.
Welcome to SR! Yes, it may be difficult at first but it does get easier- and I promise you will never regret quitting. The best decision I ever made for my family was putting down the bottle. This is an amazing place for support- read and post often
Yes....me too.
Welcome to SR! Yes, it may be difficult at first but it does get easier- and I promise you will never regret quitting. The best decision I ever made for my family was putting down the bottle. This is an amazing place for support- read and post often
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