Notices

Guilt and responsibility

Old 01-19-2016, 12:10 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
now's the time
Thread Starter
 
fantail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Guilt and responsibility

I've posted here and there about my situation. The summary is that my family really went into action as a safety net last spring when I completely fell apart in dangerous fashion. They got me into treatment, and I've been living with my mother ever since while I get back on my feet.

I've been crazily going back and forth over whether to stay where I am or move back to the city I'd made my home in. Clock is ticking as there's a lease situation going on.

One of the major factors is my parents, particularly my mother. I traumatized them pretty heavily by what happened this spring. My mother saw me have a near-seizure in a parking lot, amongst other things. My father saw me incoherent and beside myself for days on end, and found 7 or 8 empty liquor bottles in his guest room after taking me to detox.

My mother doesn't want me to move far away again. She almost started crying when I brought it up. She's afraid for me, and also even before all this she missed me (and I missed her, and the rest of my family). My father isn't as open about things but I know he feels the same way.

I don't know how to weigh that in the balance of this decision that is already driving me nuts. I know that I have to make this decision for me, but I feel so guilty. SO guilty. It's been six months and they know that I'm doing well now, they've seen how hard I'm working to get my life back together. But I know that if/when I move back it's going to be really, really hard on them.

Help. Advice or insight welcome. I'm really driving myself up the wall on this, as anyone who interacts with me regularly can tell you.
fantail is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 12:14 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
Fantail, you're right. It will be very hard for them. You scared them and you own that. But you've changed your life and moved on. You have shown your parents that you are a responsible person. The thing is, they're parents. They're going to worry. But, it doesn't mean you have to make decisions based on that. Have you had a heart to heart talk with them?
Anna is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 12:19 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Seconded what Anna just posted
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 12:21 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
now's the time
Thread Starter
 
fantail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I tried to... a couple of weeks ago I decided to stay, and told my mother this. But when I mentioned putting my things in the home city in storage rather than moving them here, she got really emotional.

I don't want to bring it up again since I keep changing my mind... I don't want to put her through this over and over. But I also don't want to spring it on her at the last moment.

Edited to add: I'm back to thinking I want to move back... and I'm afraid I might make this switch several more times!
fantail is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 02:37 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,048
I agree with Anna.

I think we all get to a point where we have to make decisions in our best interests, not someone else's.

I'm not sure my parents will ever stop worrying about me, but I'm doing fine and so are they

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 02:44 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Delilah1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,021
Hi Fantail,

I know it sounds simple, but have you tried making a list of pros and cons for staying/moving? I would start with that and no matter your decision make sure you have a support system/plan in place for yourself.

Remember it isn't selfish to do what is best for you.

Delilah ❤️
Delilah1 is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 04:28 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
GroundhogDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Fantail,

One thing to consider on your pro/con list (which is a great idea) is whether or not you have good support in SF in terms of close friends or family.
GroundhogDay is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 04:39 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,673
I know my mother worried over me after taking me to the ER when I was in bad withdrawals. I just had to show her I was doing better so she wouldn't worry so much.

Decide what you really want to do. Parents will always worry. Just prove to them you're doing better.
least is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 04:47 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
p***enger
 
courage2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 18,988
Hi Fantail -- I agree about the pros/cons list. One thing you don't say in your OP is why you want to move and/or change cities? I mean, there are really two things, aren't there -- moving out from living w/your mom, and moving cities? I suggest you think of them each separately, when doing that list.

Congrats on your progress!
courage2 is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 07:42 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
How do you feel about your ability to stay sober if you move? Does that give you any pause? I understand there are probably many factors to throw into the equation, but your commitment to sobriety has to be paramount in the decision. If you do decide to go, please make sure you have your plan solidly in place to continue your progress.
FormerWineGirl is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 09:25 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
now's the time
Thread Starter
 
fantail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Oh, moving out of my mother's place is definitely happening... she was super generous to let me crash land here but financially, emotionally, etc it's time to be an adult again while we still like each other.

I stay out of the details of why the move because I feel like I've made up my mind so firmly in both directions! It makes total sense to return. It makes total sense to root in here.

But a Pros and Cons list is actually one of those extremely basic things that I for some reason haven't done yet. Thanks, Delilah. I will try that.

I miss California very much. It's the only place I've lived for any length of time as an adult. But I'm also romanticizing it to death right now.

I don't know if I have the right network out there. I don't know if I do here either. There, lots of friends and no family. Here, family and only a friend or two (and a somewhat harder time finding my niche). I worry about either scenario. These six months have been sort of a break from reality, now it's time to really get started. And I'm kind of afraid to make the wrong choice of where to put my roots because I really am not in good shape to mess that up right now... I know that's fatalistic. It feels so much bigger than I should be making it.

Sobriety is the biggest thing, definitely; or my future rather, but sobriety as a condition of it. It's just hard to know which place is going to be the best for that. I almost feel like I'm trying to choose between two sides of my personality.
fantail is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 09:32 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
now's the time
Thread Starter
 
fantail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Least, Dee, Anna, and others... parents will worry. But now I worry back.... I don't have kids, so I don't understand in a gut way what parents feel for their kids. And frankly I'm kind of in awe of it right now because they just completely saved me. It's made me stand back and look at the parent-child relationship with a kind of perplexed respect if that makes sense. Like I really get for the first time that they care about me in a way that I don't care about anyone, even though I love them very very much. I've never seen anyone hurt on my behalf as much as they did and I don't want to do anything like that ever again.
fantail is offline  
Old 01-19-2016, 09:49 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Yes, parents love for a child is indescribable and that's neat how much respect you have for it and shows your integrity and character...

You say you don't have children, so cannot totally fathom that kind of love...yet there is a different kind of "baby" you had and/or a different kind of "child" you now have growing inside you. When you got clean and sober, that was a rebirth. Perhaps you need to take a look at your sobriety as you would PROTECTIVELY view your new, growing, child. Whatever you decide to do: move back, stay with parents, PROTECT your sobriety.

AND, protecting your sobriety is much more than making SURE you don't drink or use...it also has to do with not letting yourself get back to a place/condition you were in that led to your addiction. Hugs, friend.
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 01-20-2016, 08:30 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Marcher13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Fantail I'd suggest one thing don't run any scenarios past your mother, don't invite her into the discussion about your future. By all means thank her for what she has done for you, show her that you are living a sober life successfully but don't invite input or response on where you live.

It sounds to me like you need to go back to California to make that return as a sober you, whether you stay or not is your choice.

I'd get a ticket and make my way back if I were you but never forget wherever you go, there you are.
Marcher13 is offline  
Old 01-20-2016, 09:17 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Delilah1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,021
Fantail, also remember this does not need to be a forever decision. Once you figure out where you want to go and establish a support system prior to arriving, you can give yourself some time to adjust and see if it is the right fit for you.

❤️Delilah
Delilah1 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:43 AM.