StrongBird

I decided to quit drinking in December 2008. I stayed sober for over 5 years, and then decided to see if I could drink responsibly. Well as it turns out, I can't. Not reliably at least. So today, I'm anxious and shaking and hungover and I need to put my big girl pants on and admit that I need help. I need to get sober again. I want my life back.

I am not a daily drinker, more of a once or twice a week binge drinker, so I won't be tempted to drink today. But I will be tempted later this week or next week or someday for sure, and I intend to check back in with you especially when that temptation is back.

I don't want to keep feeling this shame anymore.

Soberwolf

Welcome StrongBird

Anna

Welcome StrongBird, you are not alone.

It might be helpful to come up with a plan for when the desire to drink does strike so you will know what to do to avoid it.

least

Welcome back!

StrongBird

I am writing myself a letter to read when I feel like drinking again. I feel like it'll be easy to make it a week - I go a week between binges just naturally - but at some point in that second week, I will think, "you were just exaggerating." I plan to reread my letter then.

I deserve better than this.

Ruby2

You do deserve better. Good luck to you. I'd recommend checking in here, early and often, regardless of whether you're feeling like drinking. I build my sobriety by continually reaching out, every day. I've come to enjoy it. When the rough patches show up, I've got insurance in my pocket because I've built support along the way when I'm not feeling like drinking.

Keep coming back.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back StrongBird!!

chrcarlson

Welcome songbird. That's my story, more of a 2 to 4 times a week binge drinker

ccam1973

Welcome back Strongbird. 5 years is a huge accomplishment. You know what it takes and can do it again.

Delilah1

Welcome back Strong Bird! Five years is a huge amount of sober time, what worked for you during that time?

Dropsie

Welcome -- congrats on five years.

So you know how to do this, and I am confident you will.

I was surprised that I could not moderate -- and bummed, but now I am so happy to be here talking with you...

StrongBird

I am surprised I that I can't moderate too. I quit shortly after my divorce and part of me wondered if my drinking had gotten out of hand just because of the situational stress. I guess I needed to test the waters to see that even when things are good, I will still drink myself into a humiliating stupor for no reason at all. Sigh.

I am mad at myself. If I'm out with friends, I truly have no problem having one or two. But something in my brain misfires when I'm home alone. I wish I wasn't broken like this but I've tested it enough times in the past year to know that I am.

I know how to do this. I can do this. I just need to keep myself accountable. This problem isn't going to go away if I stay sober for a week and get mindblowingly drunk next weekend because I've convinced myself it's not really a problem. It's a problem. I owe it to myself to deal with it.

Pondlady

Welcome back, you do deserve better ! I'm always nervous when I read a post like this, as I don't want to ever relapse.

In hindsight, did you have any indications you might relapse?

StrongBird

I made the conscious choice to drink again. I just really needed to know if I was, in fact, wired wrong versus just falling into a pattern of drinking too much to cope with a bad marriage.

Maybe it's crazy, but I know how to do this. I didn't fall as far down the rabbit hole as I was, thank God, but I know where this rabbit hole leads. I don't need to hit the bottom this time. I'm ready to climb back out.