how do tell an addict goodbye
 

dear friends and family of addicts,


i am a dear friend/ex lover of an addict....opiates...heroin....and whatever else she did not tell me about....you name it.
we were dating until she replaced my love with heroin

she is currently at rehab and sent me a letter admitting all of the wrongs she did while staying with me for some time. stealing from me and my family, using in my house, lying, etc etc.
for many many reasons,
i want to write her a letter back telling her goodbye. i have to let her go.


i have an issue with the end of the letter when i actually am trying to let her go. i just dont know what to say. so far i have:

"i am only able to love and support you, not your addiction. contact me when you can honestly do the same...maybe in a year or more of continuous no break sobriety. "


problems: i feel like putting a time frame on it is unrealistic and harsh especially when we are told one day at a time. i know that it could take 20 years for her to reach a full continuous year of sobriety.
but if i dont include this, i dont want her to think it is OK to contact me after a month of rehab.


my friends dont even think i should tell her to contact me. they want her out of my life and have cried to me in pain saying they feel sorry for me and they dont even think i should be writing her back. i think it is great that she sent me a letter admitting and i could at least send an honest one back....they say i owe her nothing. this is not about pride or power. they just dont understand addiction.

the letter is short and important to me. after being used, manipulated, and abused by this addict. i know that it is important that i crack down by letting her know that i am done. even if it is just temporary.

should it even be temporary? i dont want to be harsh and say "dont contact me ever again" for example...


i cannot help her when she is just lying to me to use drugs. still i know that addicts need support from the ones that love them. i want her to know that i can only support her when she can do the same. i am willing to talk to her about things when she is sober so that she can work on the problems beneath addiction.

any way, how was it when you said goodbye? how did you say it?

You don't have to put a time frame or an ultimatum - that is not going to help.

Tell her how you feel with no strings on it.

How long were you two dating? If you don't have any children with this woman it woud be easier on you if you jus broke up for good. She is in rehab and has a long way to go.

There is no easy way. Be truthful, and firm. The primary focus for both of you (primarily her) is overcoming her addiction. The relationship stuff can be put on the back-burner indefinitely.

I had to let my addict go no strings attached and none implied. The thing about putting a time frame on something like this...it would have kept me in limbo...waiting, hoping, unable to move on, stuck, crossing fingers and ultimately being disappointed for the hundredth time.

Let her go and wish her the very best. By doing that, you give yourself the freedom to move forward with your life.
:hug:

Hope about something like:
Thank you for the letter. I'm glad you are getting some help. I' know you've had a rough time as I was on the receiving end of some of your worst behavior. I know our relationship as a couple is over but I hope the very best for you. I know you can get past this and have a wonderful life.

You could always say, I need time to process this. I will contact you when I am ready. Till then, please don't reach out to me.

I agree about not putting a time line on it and I'd also suggest not leaving the door open to future contact.

My husband is an addict and I've put up with the lying, stealing and manipulation too. He's been in and out of rehab. Does OK for a while and then relapses. It's painful. The whole process starts over. He knows that I'm typically a sucker for letting him back in.

Be firm. I'd opt for the "I have to process this" as suggested by Maia.

Are YOU addicted to alcohol or drugs? If so, then get help for yourself. If not, then I would go to groups that help friends/family members of alcoholic/addicts accept what is going on with your ex's life.

Be kind be honest

You could say "I hope the best for you and your future" it kind of implies you are not planning on being in her future.