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Screwed up mess!😫

Old 01-18-2016, 02:05 PM
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Screwed up mess!😫

Grrrrr.... What a lousy day... And only on day 2😭
Trying desperately to stay positive and busy! I have had a few moments today when I could of quite easily poured myself another wine.
I've pretty much been a regular wine drinker since the age of 20 (17 years now) surprised I'm still alive to be honest, although on two occasions thats been touch and go. I have done the most horrendous, shameful and sickening things whilst under the influence of alcohol, too embarrassed to talk about it, its not the person I want to be anymore, the fun loving girl I once used to be is now turning into an old nasty lush with no self control or respect. The best of it is..I have so much to live for?! Amazing husband and sweet, innocent and kind hearted son ever! Why does this not seem enough for me to stop this vicious cycle of drinking! Everytime I binge I promise myself I'm going to quit alcohol for good and Yeh a couple of times I've made it past a month but then something happens...usually something rubbish that triggers my emotions and that little voice tells me I'm not going to cope..'go have a drink, it will make it easier for you to deal with!' and there I go making a beeline for the drinks aisle.. AGAIN!
Only a couple of days ago my hubby found out he was made redundant, absolutely gutted with the news,instead of being a normal incontrol and sensible person and keeping what money we had to help us until he finds another job, i go blow money on getting sloshed! And I got really DRUNK! 3 bottles of red wine with half a bottle of Vodka, not a good combination, needless to say the following day I spent most of the morning with my head down the toilet,begging for someone to help me, the worst thing was... My gorgeous boy witnessed it all and was terrified half to death!...he's only 4.
I really have had a enough... Im desperate now... I've looked into a local AA meeting, just got to build up the courage to go😖
Ive been struggling to sleep the last couple of nights, horrible dreams and the sweating is ridiculous! I fell agitated and on edge, I just want to feel at peace with myself...for once.
Anyway.....
Thanks to anyone who's taken the time to read over my post...im a screwed up mess at the moment.
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Old 01-18-2016, 02:23 PM
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Hi Sammibee,

I'm sorry to hear things have been so bad but you have to remember, despite how it seems now that things will get better if you stick it out.

You are in very early recovery and you must give your body some time to repair itself. Sober, you can start to manage your life and you will be amazed how much better things are.

I was a bad drunk too, way too many horrifying incidents to mention. It's important to remember that it's not the real you doing these things.

I promise you, things will get better.
Welcome to SR, please hang in there and read around these forums

Sean
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Old 01-18-2016, 02:23 PM
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You can do this. When you've quit before, have you tried therapy or AA or anything along those lines?

I'm sorry you feel so terrible. Try to use it as motivation to keep moving forward.
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Old 01-18-2016, 02:25 PM
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You can get through this and things will get better. The early days are hard to get through, but hang in there.
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Old 01-18-2016, 02:28 PM
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Thanks Sean and fantail for your replies. ☺
I haven't tried AA yet... I hate to admit it but I'm so embarrassed about going the thought of it fills me with dread, I have the opportunity to go tomorrow....I don't know tho....
I have ordered a heap of self help books from the local library, hoping to stick my head in them for a while and find the answer to it all.
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Old 01-18-2016, 02:29 PM
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Thanks Anna, I really am going to try hard this time. Enough is enough
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Old 01-18-2016, 02:34 PM
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AA is really helpful, but what's most important is finding something that works for you. Self help books are a great resource, so is here! Anything that you feel comfortable with. I'm glad you have a good family to support you. Congrats on Day 2. I connect to what you said about not being the fun loving girl anymore... I feel the same way about alcohol. It was a tool that used to enhance my life, but it's been ages since that was the case. It's time to move on and find the next stage of what life is like!
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Old 01-18-2016, 02:39 PM
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Hi sammibee, i know how u feel. Ive been regularly binge drinking for the last 10 years, the last 2 ive been drinking on the odd morning & doing it secretly. I too have a great partner & 2 gorgeous boys (2 & 3) im a police officer, so i have all the ticks in the box, but when it gets too much i turn to wine, ill drink until its gone!!! Ive made such a t**t of myself on several occasions & the shame i felt was awful.
In oct i finally accepted that im an alcoholic, i felt relief & its been the nest decision ive made.
It took a while to get my head round the 'nnever being able to drink again) but 3 months down the road i dont feel that bothered anymore.
I read a great book 'ddrinking, a love story' by Caroline Knapp (amazon) so relatable & very helpful. But the 1 difference which has been my saviour has been here on this site talking to other people who know exactly what ur talking about!!! I didnt do AA probably for 5he sa.e reasons as u, i just dont have the balls in case i recognised. Good luck & keep posting.x
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Old 01-18-2016, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Sammibee View Post
Thanks Anna, I really am going to try hard this time. Enough is enough
Trying hard(er)never worked for me, though I gave it plenty of opportunity. Waving the white flag and surrendering is how I overcame drinking - I too had enough. Sick and tired of being sick and tired as we say.

AA and SR has been the cornerstones of my sobriety. Courage, honesty, willingness and open mindedness were important factors as I delved into the unknowns of sobriety.

Glad you're here - welcome!
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Old 01-19-2016, 09:39 AM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
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Old 01-19-2016, 11:00 AM
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Welcome to the family. I was a mess too, at the end of my drinking. But now that I'm sober, my life is so much better.
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Old 01-19-2016, 12:16 PM
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Hi Sammibee,

Glad you're here and reaching out for recovery.

If you're finding it hard to get the courage to go along to AA alone, maybe consider calling the hotline. From there they will get a local lady to give you a call and chat about meeting options in your area; what to expect; and maybe arrange to meet you before the meeting so you don't have to walk in alone. It can make a big difference to how hard it is to get through the door.

In the meantime, I'd recommend reading Living Sober - I got it for Kindle but you can get paper copy as well - available from Amazon cheaper than a bottle of plonk (I got to a month sober and felt like I wasn't actually 'living' at all - wished I'd gone to AA / read that book sooner as both made things easier).

Anyway - welcome to the forum. There's some great people and great advice to be found here
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Old 01-19-2016, 01:45 PM
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Hi, It takes real guts to walk through the door of AA for the first time. I know I did it 41 days ago. It's been a big Big help. Everyone there was very friendly and non-judgmental, go figure.

I'm sure you can find a phone number or web page that detail meetings. If you can't bring yourself to go then go to a Speaker Meeting. Sit at the back. I can almost guarantee you will like it. I always do, they are not a glum lot.
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Old 01-19-2016, 02:01 PM
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You can do this.

I know it seems overwhelming, but if we could do it -- you can.

Each of us has been there in one way or another and we climbed, crawled our way out and you can to.

Our paths out have aired but the comment thread is that we had each other, and we got you.

GO FOR IT. For you, for you son, for you.
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Old 01-19-2016, 02:08 PM
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Hi sammibee, sorry to hear you are feeling so rubbish. I too have done horrendous things while drunk that make me cringe just to think of them. I'm in the early days of trying to get better, just like you, and know exactly how you feel, you are not alone.

Thinking of you, you don't need to feel like this ever again.
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Old 01-19-2016, 02:29 PM
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Hello,
Sorry you are having such a tough time, you will find lots of support in this site.:-)
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