Co-parenting with an alcoholic
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Louisville, CO
Posts: 11
Co-parenting with an alcoholic
First post - here goes.
About 3 months ago I filed for divorce form my alcoholic husband of 15 year. 3 weeks ago, I moved out. Cutting to the chase...my husband is in deep denial of the severity of his problem, even though his addiction has cause a multitude of consequences - DUI, withdrawal seizure, failed rehab attempts, divorce, and on and on. It's complicated for me because originally he was my drinking buddy. Somewhere along the line, he became an addict and I just stopped drinking (first in support of him, then because I felt my kids deserve a sober parent). So when I have had to turn the spotlight on his addiction and its effect on our kids, it has felt really awful. After an alcohol evaluation and his agreement for 100% sobriety, it appears he has failed a test. Right now just a missed/late breathalyzer, but I let him follow up with an ETG before saying his is noncompliant with the court order. Just waiting and assuming it will either come back dilute or fail. Then I have to talk to my kids about why his parenting time will be suspended. Looking for any advice on that conversation from other who have been there. Ideally, husband would be involved, but given the amount of denial, I don't know it that is realistic. We are both struggling with anger about it all right now. Just feeling really pessimistic about the situation at this point. And really wishing that he could pull it together for the sake of our kids. Might have to get creative with ways to continue their relationship with him, because it feels important.
About 3 months ago I filed for divorce form my alcoholic husband of 15 year. 3 weeks ago, I moved out. Cutting to the chase...my husband is in deep denial of the severity of his problem, even though his addiction has cause a multitude of consequences - DUI, withdrawal seizure, failed rehab attempts, divorce, and on and on. It's complicated for me because originally he was my drinking buddy. Somewhere along the line, he became an addict and I just stopped drinking (first in support of him, then because I felt my kids deserve a sober parent). So when I have had to turn the spotlight on his addiction and its effect on our kids, it has felt really awful. After an alcohol evaluation and his agreement for 100% sobriety, it appears he has failed a test. Right now just a missed/late breathalyzer, but I let him follow up with an ETG before saying his is noncompliant with the court order. Just waiting and assuming it will either come back dilute or fail. Then I have to talk to my kids about why his parenting time will be suspended. Looking for any advice on that conversation from other who have been there. Ideally, husband would be involved, but given the amount of denial, I don't know it that is realistic. We are both struggling with anger about it all right now. Just feeling really pessimistic about the situation at this point. And really wishing that he could pull it together for the sake of our kids. Might have to get creative with ways to continue their relationship with him, because it feels important.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Slowly evolving, what a painful situation. I'm sorry.
I wish I could give you advice but I've got no kids. We have a section here that's for people living with alcoholics, the Friends and Family section... I'm sure if you post there you'll get lots of good advice.
Good luck. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I wish I could give you advice but I've got no kids. We have a section here that's for people living with alcoholics, the Friends and Family section... I'm sure if you post there you'll get lots of good advice.
Good luck. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Slowlyevolving!! 
Very sorry to hear of your troubles, addiction unfortunately can be a very selfish thing, regardless of having kids, so unless he wants to really change for himself, having kids may not be enough.
The main thing is having support for yourself, it can be a very frustrating and lonely thing looking in on someone else's addiction, you'll find loads of support here on SR and Al-anon is a great place for face to face support.
Regarding your kids, their welfare should be the priority, and so if your husband isn't fit to be a apart of the discussion then that's the way it has to be, for me a relationship with both my parents when they split was important, but there are many gaps, the reality is kids are resilient and will come through most things.
Don't let your husband's addiction waste anymore time in your or their lives!!
Very sorry to hear of your troubles, addiction unfortunately can be a very selfish thing, regardless of having kids, so unless he wants to really change for himself, having kids may not be enough.
The main thing is having support for yourself, it can be a very frustrating and lonely thing looking in on someone else's addiction, you'll find loads of support here on SR and Al-anon is a great place for face to face support.
Regarding your kids, their welfare should be the priority, and so if your husband isn't fit to be a apart of the discussion then that's the way it has to be, for me a relationship with both my parents when they split was important, but there are many gaps, the reality is kids are resilient and will come through most things.
Don't let your husband's addiction waste anymore time in your or their lives!!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I guess it depends on how old your kids are as to what you tell them. My husband is an alcoholic/addict and I've also struggled with what to tell them about why "Daddy isn't feeling well.". I'd suggest going to the family and friends section here if you've not already done so.
What does matter is that your children get consistent support from you. It's really hard but so important. Hang in there.
What does matter is that your children get consistent support from you. It's really hard but so important. Hang in there.
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