growpath

Every single morning I make myself a commitment that this is the day. I am sick of being on this crazy cycle that addiction controls. I am tired of drinking something every night that makes me feel like someone who I am not. I saw sobriety for a length of time and I know that I am capable of SO much more! I am not the person who I am suppose to be when drinking. It is so annoying to wake up each morning making yourself the same damn promise over and over and letting yourself down time and time and time and time again. I have straight been struggling to get any amount of time under my belt for a long ass time and I can not seem to be able to get back on track. It scares the **** out of me!

I see what some of my triggers are...right now I am not naive that I just got myself back into a stupid habit. But also, stress and low self esteem are HUGE for me. Feeling left out is big too. There is no happy hour with friends or one night of cutting loose for me. One drink leads to days of drink!!! Shoot one drink in 2015 lead me here!!! I have got to get that through my head!!!! Not thinking I am worth recovery is a biggie too! Being depressed because..well feeling sorry for myself is a goodie as well!

I keep making list over and over and over of how I can improve and start new and GROW. Damn I have been making the same damn list for almost a year now and have made 0 progress! ZERO!

Ugh. I do not even know what to say because I am disgusting myself at this point. It is embarrassing in fact making all of these statements and then here I am AGAIN and AGAIN!

All I can say is this time is going to be different. It HAS to be different. I have got to figure this out.

I am following a pretty simple plan:
I am going to church tomorrow and am also going to inquire about a weekly Celebrate Recovery 12 step class that is held there.
I have an appointment with a gym this week where I can start going to classes and also work out alone a couple times a week.
I am going to stay close to SR and check in every day on the 24 with my emotions and day count.
I am going to start doing at home yoga and meditation to learn to control my stress.
I am posting this post of SR hoping for advice and support. I will be around more as well to offer support. I have no one really in the real world who understands. If I cry out that I want to drink but I dont want to and blah blah blah I get well just drink and quit making a big deal out of it. I CANTTTTT surround myself with anyone but people who get it when cravings kick in.
I am also going to go to WFS once a week. I cant surround myself with anyone but sober people for a long time!
I have doctor appts early Feb for yearly items and I am going to be honest about the level of stress and depression I feel. (Which I honestly think will go away when I stop drinking)...which I have stopped. Day 1 ... I need to figure out why around the 90 day mark I break...maybe my recovery group will be better to talk to about this or you guys.

I can say its going to be different etc this time but I am saving all that and just doing the dang thing! I know I have said it before but misery and happiness require the same amount of effort so it is time I start putting ALL my energy into being happy. Life's too short for this mess. The good ole days of drinking have been long gone for well over 9 years! That was when I first went to AA. I cant even imagine where I would be if I would have stuck to my guns. But I guess I needed to fall I dunno..Point is I am where I am and every day is a new day to build a new beginning...I cant build a new past all I can do is learn from it. I have had stints of sobriety and grew so much in such short time in the big picture. All it took for that growth to be ruined was one drink that turned into months of falling down and getting back up....but mostly falling hard on the ground and being dragged! There is nothing left in the bottom of a bottle..nothing! I know this and have absolutely no idea why I keep going down this road! I know there is nothing at all good in drinking for me. Not one thing! I know this!

I can state that I am not anywhere close to that girl 9 years ago! I am still a huge mess no doubt. Anyway, it's all about the journey and I am not where I want to be but I am way past that time in my life and right now is just another stepping stone and may very well .....scratch that and will be the time it sticks and I get this!!!!!!!!!!

I would cherish any input at this point. I am posting this because at this point I have realized I can not go this alone and I need help..I need support!!!!! I need to go to any lengths to get to where I deserve to be and believe that.......I appreciate you all so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SoberLeigh

Dear sweet, growpath; I was where you are literally thousands of times. I truly thought that I was hopeless. But I was, thankfully, very wrong.

You can have that forever success that you seek.

I like your plan.

May I add:

Talk to your friends here at SR before you pick up.

Sending love.

biminiblue

GP, I know you have struggled for a very long time with this.

I like your list. I would add not to put too much pressure on yourself. Concentrate on things you can do that don't add to your stress, that whole perfectionism thing is pretty dangerous for me, it just leads to the guilt/shame cycle when I can't possibly do everything on my "List."

On my LIST in early sobriety: Don't pick up that first drink. Pray. Take it easy. Relax. Sleep. Eat healthy food. Get some light exercise. Make a gratitude list every day. Spend time helping others and reading on SR. I also went to AA every day in the first 120 days. These are what I did and I'm still sober 2 years on.

Take it easy.

desertsong

Well said. When I quit, I had all of these lofty goals that I was going to achieve and really meant to achieve them, even though they probably weren't very realistic in early sobriety. It's good to have goals ... just make sure they are simple and attainable in the beginning.

In these early days, the most important things are not picking up a drink, being kind to yourself, resting when you need to, finding distractions (something as simple as cleaning your house or reading a good book), and getting some good support (like SR). As you get stronger, you can add more goals to the list. Don't set yourself up for failure by expecting too much of yourself too soon ... but also don't set yourself up for failure by not having a simple plan in the beginning. As long as you don't pick up that first drink, these goals are attainable and can be added to later.

Glad you are with us.

Bird615

Even though I knew there was nothing for me in the bottom of a bottle, being able to get sober didn't happen for me until I accepted it and was able to throw in the towel and say "enough".

Doing things that helped me to change my attitude and the way I view life have made a big difference in being able to stay sober and to be contented with being that way. For me, it's practicing the 12 Steps of AA which led me to a spiritual path to follow. That and never forgetting where that one drink will always take me. I'm not willing to suffer like that anymore.

Keep trying until you find what works for you and know that we all understand here.

Coldfusion

Well, it looks as if you have logged off for now, but I hope you read and post here often. In the very least, come here when you want a drink!

I think you will find Celebrate Recovery to be very helpful.

growpath

Thank you for the responses. I see where you are coming from! Setting myself up for failure with all these high expectations. Now that I think of it every time I had any success with not drinking it has been when I took it easy on myself and just basically made one rule for myself....don't drink and then repeat. I struggle with perfectionism, I have all my life.....another issue! It may be good to take a step back from expectations and goals for now.
I think following that guideline initially very well could be needed!

I am going to visit my family basically to avoid sitting here in the house all day beating myself up....I am truly appreciative of all responses. I will be back later in the day to take a closer look at them all and reply better. I am glad to be finding my way back to sanity!

biminiblue

Right! I can get overwhelmed easily if I try to do too much. Even now.

In the beginning, I concentrated on serenity. I had the Serenity Prayer on a constant loop in my head. I probably said it/thought it ten thousand times in the first couple months. It really does apply to every situation.

If something overwhelmed me or caused me stress, I was OUT. Remaining calm no matter what was my #1 desire.

Soberwolf

Do what it takes Grow x rootin for you

ubntubnt

Hi Growpath, as I am sure is the case with many others here I have been just where you are many, many times. I would swear to stop drinking but after a few days once I felt physically better would inevitably drink again forgetting how bad I felt just a few days previously. Even when horrific things happened I would choose to ignore the reality of the extent to which my drinking was causing them. I got to a point, thanks to SR and AA, where I realized that I had to stop myself from taking a even single drink....ever. And I realized that I Had to protect that with my life, no matter what. That meant terminating some "friendships", stopping visiting bars, telling those close to me that I had stopped drinking and many other things that I had previously not done in my half hearted attempts to either quit or moderate. It really needs to be a draw a line in the sand thing and something that you are willing to make any sacrifice for. Honestly, if someone was to ask me right now whether I would rather hand over the keys to my home or take a drink I would hand over the keys. It's not so much that that one drink would lead me to a bender that would definitely kill me but rather that I know the commitment needs to be absolute.

Don't overthink or over plan the long term. Just focus on getting really good at banking sober days and the long term will be there for you when you are ready for it.

Good luck, I feel for you and hope you make it.

PurpleKnight

You can do this Growpath, I went round in circles for a long time and it can be frustrating.

But you'll get there, SR is in your corner!!

Anna

I think your plan/list is great. My firm belief is that balance is the key, for me, anyways. So, my daily routine includes lots of different things, always with the belief in my soul, that I am worth it.

Dee74

Some great advice here growpath - leaf through this link too - you may get further ideas on making a really top-notch plan

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

You can do this!
D

HeartsAfire

Nothing more to add to the list - just reiterating to take it easy & take it slow. You've got A LOT on your list. How about just baby steps for now? The only thing you have to do today is not pick up.

Also ice cream. Lots & lots of ice cream.

Love you, sweet lil pup! Rooting for you!

JohnQPublic

Dear grow, your plan is really well thought out and through. I think you are pointing in a good direction. It takes lots of guts and fortitude to make the changes you are going for you. I have never been to Celebrate Recovery but have known people who used that program with great success. I wish you the best and hope this site or any of the support you get here can help. John

strategery

So glad to see you back! I've been worried about you.

I agree with others not to put too much pressure on yourself. Early sobriety is tough enough, but if you have all those demands, it's going to be easier to go back to drinking, so please be gentle with yourself.

If there is a time that is problematic for you, schedule an activity during that time. Also, make sure to have a treat on hand and replacement drinks (tea, seltzer water) on hand. They always helped take off the edge.

You've always been a dear recovery friend to me. If there is any way I can help, please PM me. I want to see you succeed and be happy.

SoberLeigh

Thinking of you, 'lil pup.

least

I hope you can make this your last day one.

Kaneda8888

Hey GP

You have a compassionate and kind soul. In your posts to the 24 hours recovery thread, it can be seen that you have a good heart.

Your plan sounds pretty good. In my earlier days, I went to as many AA meetings, therapy sessions, etc as well in order to develop tools for battling this addiction. Meditation is super useful too and my discovery of spirituality has helped no end.

Stick to your plan and stick to SR ! Thats my recommendation You can do it, I have no doubt !

Hevyn

Grow - I think the list is great, but I agree you need to focus on being kind to yourself, and patient. I had a very difficult time staying quit - I drank almost 30 yrs. I never imagined I'd do it, but here I am - 8 yrs. sober.

I understand the resentment when you first stop - your whole way of life is different. We think there's nothing to look forward to. I felt very sorry for myself - to the point of tears every time I drove by a favorite drinking spot. Ridiculous, since drinking was never fun or relaxing anymore - just a terrible habit that was killing me & stealing my soul. You can rise above this frustration and get back to where you were. We are with you.