Disgraced myself yet again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 292
Disgraced myself yet again.
Hi everyone. I've been lurking for a while, but never quite had the courage to post. Until today.
I'm 31, female, and work in medicine. I have tried to ignore my problem with alcohol for many years. The advice I give my patients I myself have resolutely ignored.
I'm not a daily drinker, but I easily could be. When I get home from work I always crave opening a bottle of wine, but usually refrain as I don't want a hangover the next day. My husband and I enjoy drinking wine together, splitting a bottle between the two of us by the fire and getting that nice relaxing buzz- our favourites are prosecco or new zealand sauvignon blanc. Even then, though, I always consider staying up late, and drinking more wine when he has gone to bed. I don't always do this, most of the time I don't, but I have done, and then had to go to the bottle shop the next day to replace what I have drunk. If I open a bottle I will finish it.
The worst thing though is the times I have failed to 'control' or 'moderate' my drinking. It usually occurs after one or two, then all my self control disappears and I magically transform into some alien being, intent on drinking until they pass out. I become unpleasant, loud, slurry and clumsy. I have disgraced myself, publicly and privately, on countless occasions. I have vomited on myself, wet the bed, stripped naked, started fights with my husband, told strangers secrets about my past that I wouldn't want anyone to know, burst into those blubbering, messy tears that only the drunk can do, flirted with strange men (and women), fallen over, passed out in public places... I could go on.
My husband has been so kind and patient with me. He has learned to recognise when I have had too much, and he will take me away and put me to bed. The next day we dance around each other till he has the 'talk' with me about my antics of the previous night.
Last night was one of those occasions. We had friends over for wine. My husband's father, who can be a difficult man, was staying. After they went to bed I sat by the fire and drank wine till I passed out. I can't remember anything. My husband and his father had to put me to bed at 3.30am as I was in a heap on the living room floor.
Today I am mortified that I have done that in front of my father in law, nobody I think was aware of my drinking problem till now. My husband is furious and I am sitting on my sofa, banging headache and mouth as dry as a badgers arse, avoiding people and feeling cripplingly anxious.
I am so lucky to have a kind, patient husband. I am so cross with myself for letting him down yet again. Even now, hung over and afraid, I feel the bitterness that I can't enjoy a glass of wine like a 'normal' person. Why is that- it's not fair. I know that voice will get worse in the days to come. But I don't want to feel like this again. I need to stop, and stop for good.
I have googled AA and there is a meeting in the area tonight- but I am afraid to get in the car at all today after the skinful I had last night. I may call them later today when husband is out.
I feel very scared, tired, embarrassed and alone.
I'm 31, female, and work in medicine. I have tried to ignore my problem with alcohol for many years. The advice I give my patients I myself have resolutely ignored.
I'm not a daily drinker, but I easily could be. When I get home from work I always crave opening a bottle of wine, but usually refrain as I don't want a hangover the next day. My husband and I enjoy drinking wine together, splitting a bottle between the two of us by the fire and getting that nice relaxing buzz- our favourites are prosecco or new zealand sauvignon blanc. Even then, though, I always consider staying up late, and drinking more wine when he has gone to bed. I don't always do this, most of the time I don't, but I have done, and then had to go to the bottle shop the next day to replace what I have drunk. If I open a bottle I will finish it.
The worst thing though is the times I have failed to 'control' or 'moderate' my drinking. It usually occurs after one or two, then all my self control disappears and I magically transform into some alien being, intent on drinking until they pass out. I become unpleasant, loud, slurry and clumsy. I have disgraced myself, publicly and privately, on countless occasions. I have vomited on myself, wet the bed, stripped naked, started fights with my husband, told strangers secrets about my past that I wouldn't want anyone to know, burst into those blubbering, messy tears that only the drunk can do, flirted with strange men (and women), fallen over, passed out in public places... I could go on.
My husband has been so kind and patient with me. He has learned to recognise when I have had too much, and he will take me away and put me to bed. The next day we dance around each other till he has the 'talk' with me about my antics of the previous night.
Last night was one of those occasions. We had friends over for wine. My husband's father, who can be a difficult man, was staying. After they went to bed I sat by the fire and drank wine till I passed out. I can't remember anything. My husband and his father had to put me to bed at 3.30am as I was in a heap on the living room floor.
Today I am mortified that I have done that in front of my father in law, nobody I think was aware of my drinking problem till now. My husband is furious and I am sitting on my sofa, banging headache and mouth as dry as a badgers arse, avoiding people and feeling cripplingly anxious.
I am so lucky to have a kind, patient husband. I am so cross with myself for letting him down yet again. Even now, hung over and afraid, I feel the bitterness that I can't enjoy a glass of wine like a 'normal' person. Why is that- it's not fair. I know that voice will get worse in the days to come. But I don't want to feel like this again. I need to stop, and stop for good.
I have googled AA and there is a meeting in the area tonight- but I am afraid to get in the car at all today after the skinful I had last night. I may call them later today when husband is out.
I feel very scared, tired, embarrassed and alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Welcome to the forum, alcohol has been a life long battle for me, well since 1996 but I started drinking in 1979.
What I have learned over the years is our addictive voice, the one that keeps telling us one more until we black out is not a respecter of person, education or position, it has but one goal and it will not stop until achieved, destroy your life, career and finally take our life, took 20,000+ in the USA alone last year, there was a recent article on CNN I read.
Years ago I would have read that article and though sure just street people with no where to go nothing to do, no job, family etc. Today I know even if street people form part of that number, they have a story to tell as well and more than likely this sickness put them there. I say this based on helping at a food kitchen a few times over the years, the stories are heartbraking.
At the same time, I have lost count of my visits to Detox where I met Professors, Law enforcement, many in the medical field, this sickness doesn't care. I look at myself, highly educated in Corporate finance and look at the six figure income careers it has taken because I would not reach out for help.
Anyhow what you are experiencing in my experience are pretty serious warning signs, may be time to work out a plan.
All the best
Andrew
What I have learned over the years is our addictive voice, the one that keeps telling us one more until we black out is not a respecter of person, education or position, it has but one goal and it will not stop until achieved, destroy your life, career and finally take our life, took 20,000+ in the USA alone last year, there was a recent article on CNN I read.
Years ago I would have read that article and though sure just street people with no where to go nothing to do, no job, family etc. Today I know even if street people form part of that number, they have a story to tell as well and more than likely this sickness put them there. I say this based on helping at a food kitchen a few times over the years, the stories are heartbraking.
At the same time, I have lost count of my visits to Detox where I met Professors, Law enforcement, many in the medical field, this sickness doesn't care. I look at myself, highly educated in Corporate finance and look at the six figure income careers it has taken because I would not reach out for help.
Anyhow what you are experiencing in my experience are pretty serious warning signs, may be time to work out a plan.
All the best
Andrew
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum McFlurry!! 
You don't have to be alone in this as SR is full of support and understanding.
For me though the first step was accepting, I needed to let go of the fairytales that I could somehow drink normally ever again, that somehow I could change and learn how to do it, but no matter how bitter, angry or I much I thought it was unfair, there is no amount of pushing a square peg into a round hole that will make it work.
In the beginning I compared it to any other food allergy to help me get my head around it, does someone who has a nut allergy resent the fact they can nver eat nuts again? or on sound medical advice, they accept it, adapt their habits/lifestyle, and move on with their lives, as it can be life or death?
You can do this!
You don't have to be alone in this as SR is full of support and understanding.
For me though the first step was accepting, I needed to let go of the fairytales that I could somehow drink normally ever again, that somehow I could change and learn how to do it, but no matter how bitter, angry or I much I thought it was unfair, there is no amount of pushing a square peg into a round hole that will make it work.
In the beginning I compared it to any other food allergy to help me get my head around it, does someone who has a nut allergy resent the fact they can nver eat nuts again? or on sound medical advice, they accept it, adapt their habits/lifestyle, and move on with their lives, as it can be life or death?
You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 204
Welcome!
I can relate to your situation deeply. You are among friends here. It's an awful feeling to feel embarrassed and full of anxiety and regret, but just know that it will pass and that you never have to feel this way again. It sounds like your husband is very kind, he may be furious now but he will forgive you in time.
I can relate to your situation deeply. You are among friends here. It's an awful feeling to feel embarrassed and full of anxiety and regret, but just know that it will pass and that you never have to feel this way again. It sounds like your husband is very kind, he may be furious now but he will forgive you in time.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
You know you can stop drinking when you decide it's caused too much damage? That's the trouble with wine, it has so many good points, the taste, the buzz, togetherness with your H, the beautiful glasses. But if you're like me you're not able to drink moderately for any length of time, and much as you love a glass of wine, you have to choose. It took me a long time to mentally get to that point, but once I did, it wasn't that hard.
You might get cravings at first, but the relief of not having the guilt weighing you down will be worth it. Find a way to relax without wine - I have a cup of tea.
You might get cravings at first, but the relief of not having the guilt weighing you down will be worth it. Find a way to relax without wine - I have a cup of tea.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Welcome to SR.
In addition to the warning signs, there's the deep knowing that has brought you here and kept you reading, and now has you considering attending an AA meeting. That's saying something important.
Someone said something wise on this forum recently - it was about the word "yet". Whenever you think that there is something terrible that happened to someone because of alcohol, something unthinkable, something that would "never happen to you", remember the word "yet". It hasn't happened to you ... yet. I found that so powerful. I don't want to lose what I still have, and I know I would have if I kept going. A matter of time. Pure and simple.
Something else you mentioned which was a turning point for me - that was letting go of the resentment that I couldn't drink "normally". I'm not a normal drinker. I am just not and I never will be. Better to realise it and stay alive than to kid myself and drink to my death, which would have happened. Again, a matter of time.
All the best to you and good on you for coming here and posting. It' an important step. I encourage you to stay around.
In addition to the warning signs, there's the deep knowing that has brought you here and kept you reading, and now has you considering attending an AA meeting. That's saying something important.
Someone said something wise on this forum recently - it was about the word "yet". Whenever you think that there is something terrible that happened to someone because of alcohol, something unthinkable, something that would "never happen to you", remember the word "yet". It hasn't happened to you ... yet. I found that so powerful. I don't want to lose what I still have, and I know I would have if I kept going. A matter of time. Pure and simple.
Something else you mentioned which was a turning point for me - that was letting go of the resentment that I couldn't drink "normally". I'm not a normal drinker. I am just not and I never will be. Better to realise it and stay alive than to kid myself and drink to my death, which would have happened. Again, a matter of time.
All the best to you and good on you for coming here and posting. It' an important step. I encourage you to stay around.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Welcome!
I have been where you are and it is not fun. You never have to feel this badly again! Make a change today. I encourage you to make that call to AA. They are very helpful and truly do care! AA is a large part of my recovery because it works for me. I really identify with folks at meetings and it is nice to know I am not alone!
Sending you huge hugs!
I have been where you are and it is not fun. You never have to feel this badly again! Make a change today. I encourage you to make that call to AA. They are very helpful and truly do care! AA is a large part of my recovery because it works for me. I really identify with folks at meetings and it is nice to know I am not alone!
Sending you huge hugs!
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Welcome to SR, glad you're here
As a member of AA your words struck me;
This is very common with alcoholics and can help us self identify. AA has taught me I have an obsession of the mind and allergy (of sorts) of the body - meaning my body adversely reacts atypically of most folks who drink. This isn't a moral failure, but linked to a physiological problem. A book - Under the Influence by Kectham and Milam I found helpful in understanding my issues - as medical person, you might also find it useful.
The basic text of AA tells me that once I start drinking the phenomenon of craving kicks in, I drink excessively - more than planned typically - leading to guilt, shame and remorse. Normal drinkers stop, usually after a few. Another episode has occurred.
It use to be that low bottom, passed out on a park bench and homeless view of all alcoholics who seek relief. Not anymore. Most are smart, work hard and function well. Awareness is a huge key and many are getting this earlier in the progression of alcoholism. The elevator can stop at any floor once we decide we have problem.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
As a member of AA your words struck me;
The worst thing though is the times I have failed to 'control' or 'moderate' my drinking. It usually occurs after one or two, then all my self control disappears and I magically transform into some alien being, intent on drinking until they pass out. I become unpleasant, loud, slurry and clumsy.
The basic text of AA tells me that once I start drinking the phenomenon of craving kicks in, I drink excessively - more than planned typically - leading to guilt, shame and remorse. Normal drinkers stop, usually after a few. Another episode has occurred.
It use to be that low bottom, passed out on a park bench and homeless view of all alcoholics who seek relief. Not anymore. Most are smart, work hard and function well. Awareness is a huge key and many are getting this earlier in the progression of alcoholism. The elevator can stop at any floor once we decide we have problem.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
What a great post.
I expect to look back in a year when you are on your anniversary and think, gosh, I read her first wonderful post.
My advice for today is to apologise. Keep it simple, I drank too much and I am sorry.
I would not go into too many promises or self flagellation to your husband and his father but know for yourself that this is it. Done, finished, over and out.
You may want to drink in a few days, if you do come back and read your post and the responses.
The thing is, and it is so hard, I know in my heart that you can stop, but I know just as surely that you cannot control -- once you drink, like me, it is a different ballgame. So the only choice is to play Russian roulette with your life and your marriage to what seems to be a great guy or stop. Its that simple.
You can ask how can I know that when I don't know you -- its because we have all been there. There is no shame, but it is what it is.
Do this for once and for all -- most of us had to go around more than once and each time gets harder, and who knows whether they will have the strength again.
Good luck -- you got this, I can feel it. And then you can use all that knowledge with your patients.
I expect to look back in a year when you are on your anniversary and think, gosh, I read her first wonderful post.
My advice for today is to apologise. Keep it simple, I drank too much and I am sorry.
I would not go into too many promises or self flagellation to your husband and his father but know for yourself that this is it. Done, finished, over and out.
You may want to drink in a few days, if you do come back and read your post and the responses.
The thing is, and it is so hard, I know in my heart that you can stop, but I know just as surely that you cannot control -- once you drink, like me, it is a different ballgame. So the only choice is to play Russian roulette with your life and your marriage to what seems to be a great guy or stop. Its that simple.
You can ask how can I know that when I don't know you -- its because we have all been there. There is no shame, but it is what it is.
Do this for once and for all -- most of us had to go around more than once and each time gets harder, and who knows whether they will have the strength again.
Good luck -- you got this, I can feel it. And then you can use all that knowledge with your patients.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Welcome mcflurry!
You're definitely not alone.
I believe, many of us could've written your post. I sure could have.
You can reclaim your life. Reaching out for support was key for me.
I'm glad you found us.
You're definitely not alone.
I believe, many of us could've written your post. I sure could have.
You can reclaim your life. Reaching out for support was key for me.
I'm glad you found us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 292
Thanks for all the lovely replies! It is nice to know I am not alone, everyone here is so helpful.
In a way it is a relief to me that I have made this decision. I've spent most of today in bed feeling horrible. What a waste of a day off- and the weather was nice as well for once!
My husband told me that every time we are out drinking he is always on edge and says he has to watch me. He says he would like me better if I stopped drinking.
I am looking forward to the relief of living sober, not being sick and tired any more, and not having that constant thought in my head of 'maybe just the one..' or 'just one more.' Also to get rid of the shame and guilt after my drunken episodes.
Tonight me and my husband are going into town to a gaming evening- we both play Warhammer (sad I know!) we go every Friday and it's an alcohol free event. I was going to stay at home but he has persuaded me to go.
I'm going to have a proper read through SR when I get back. I feel privileged to be a member and I'm glad I'm here.
In a way it is a relief to me that I have made this decision. I've spent most of today in bed feeling horrible. What a waste of a day off- and the weather was nice as well for once!
My husband told me that every time we are out drinking he is always on edge and says he has to watch me. He says he would like me better if I stopped drinking.
I am looking forward to the relief of living sober, not being sick and tired any more, and not having that constant thought in my head of 'maybe just the one..' or 'just one more.' Also to get rid of the shame and guilt after my drunken episodes.
Tonight me and my husband are going into town to a gaming evening- we both play Warhammer (sad I know!) we go every Friday and it's an alcohol free event. I was going to stay at home but he has persuaded me to go.
I'm going to have a proper read through SR when I get back. I feel privileged to be a member and I'm glad I'm here.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by mcflurry 
I was going to stay at home but he has persuaded me to go.
The decision to get sober is but the first step. The decision needs to be coupled with action. The actions that support and maintain that decision to quit. Thinking about it is rarely enough.
Please keep your eye on the goal. An alcohol free life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Maybe you could go to the warhammer get together AFTER the AA meeting?
This would honestly be one of the best times to go.... getting in those doors while an experience like this with alcohol is still fresh in your mind is ideal.
You're only 31..... what lies ahead of you - if you're like me and like virtually everyone I know who has been in a relationship with alcohol like the one you describe - is a gradual but continual worsening of this sort of thing. And then one day, you wake up and cannot understand the horror that your life has become. You can't conceive how it got this out of hand... nor can you conceive how you might ever escape it.
Right NOW, you are in a place where your mind and resistance are opened to hearing the message that AA, SR and those of us who have been there might send you....
You have a choice - RIGHT NOW - to open that door a little wider and to take an ACTION toward changing your life for the better.
Another choice you have is to dust this 'unfortunate incident' off, go play warhammer, sleep on it another few days until you get far enough away from the moment that your addictive voice and supportive husband start to suggest "it wasn't THAT bad.... you don't have a PROBLEM... you just need to back it off a little, take it easy.... be careful about when and why you're drinking, only have a couple, just drink on the weekends.... etc, etc, etc".
Give it a shot.
Go to AA, ask for a Big Book. Take it home. Read it. Go play warhammer after the meeting..... harness this golden opportunity.
This would honestly be one of the best times to go.... getting in those doors while an experience like this with alcohol is still fresh in your mind is ideal.
You're only 31..... what lies ahead of you - if you're like me and like virtually everyone I know who has been in a relationship with alcohol like the one you describe - is a gradual but continual worsening of this sort of thing. And then one day, you wake up and cannot understand the horror that your life has become. You can't conceive how it got this out of hand... nor can you conceive how you might ever escape it.
Right NOW, you are in a place where your mind and resistance are opened to hearing the message that AA, SR and those of us who have been there might send you....
You have a choice - RIGHT NOW - to open that door a little wider and to take an ACTION toward changing your life for the better.
Another choice you have is to dust this 'unfortunate incident' off, go play warhammer, sleep on it another few days until you get far enough away from the moment that your addictive voice and supportive husband start to suggest "it wasn't THAT bad.... you don't have a PROBLEM... you just need to back it off a little, take it easy.... be careful about when and why you're drinking, only have a couple, just drink on the weekends.... etc, etc, etc".
Give it a shot.
Go to AA, ask for a Big Book. Take it home. Read it. Go play warhammer after the meeting..... harness this golden opportunity.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 166
Dear MC, I really feel for you. I know the first time I went to a meeting, for myself, it was terrifying. I am also in the medical field, addiction actually, and I was blinded to or ignored all that I new and taught. For a long time I felt like a fool. But I then recognized I was diseased and I had been letting my AV run the show. I also did some unbelievably bad things in front of family. I know the shame and humiliation. But for me, once I addressed my problem, admitted to them what I was (like they didn't already know) I found that forgiveness came quicker than I thought was worthy of. My father and wife both told me that they couldn't be angry for the heinous things I did while using because they knew it wasn't me. They told me it was obvious that the man they knew and loved could not be capable of the things I did while blacked out drunk. It is still a blessing that I will never be able to comprehend. I bet that it could be the same for you. People know who you are and will not, or should not, let a few moments define you for life. Apologize of course but take responsibility for the future. I wish you thee best and send you courage and hope. John
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest US
Posts: 45
I can so relate to this
Thank you for your post. I've been there. I've done that.
Agreed that, for me, the best time for first AA meeting is when we are freshly "bruised" from our behavior.
((hugs))
Agreed that, for me, the best time for first AA meeting is when we are freshly "bruised" from our behavior.
((hugs))
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