In it to win it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 57
In it to win it
Hi All,
I am writing to check in because I haven't in a couple of weeks.
About a week and a half ago, I was really struggling. The prospect of lifelong sobriety seemed so big and overwhelming that I started to seriously question whether it was worth pursuing. My brain started spinning justifications: Most people I know who drink somewhat heavily seem to generally be in decent health. I have never personally known anyone who has died from cirrhosis. Maybe, just *maybe* if I tried hard enough, I could limit myself to the sought-after 2 drinks a day and be okay with that. (That was all the booze brain talking, I know.)
I woke up last Monday and stood in my living room and offered an abrasive, but very real, prayer. I said out loud: God, I can't do this on my own. I don't know how to do this. I either need you to help me or I'm giving up forever. I surrender. Do whatever you want with me.
A couple of days later, I received a hand-written letter in the mail from the ex-wife of my biological father, who I have not spoken to in over 20 years. In the letter, she explained to me that my half-brother died of alcohol induced cirrhosis and enlarged heart the day after my birthday. She said that he had a "hidden drinking problem", which caught up with him, forcing him to leave behind two children. Additionally, she told me that my biological father himself recently died unexpectedly as well, after apparently having slipped in his bathtub. He lived alone because two wives divorced him, as he could not control his drinking.
So that's it. A lot of tragedy. A half-brother who had a secret drinking problem and died of cirrhosis. A father who I have had no relationship with and who lost his family because of his drinking. As sad as it is, a part of me feels more inspired than ever, because I feel as though there was some amount of fate in my receiving that news when I did. Despite the fact that I had no real relationship with these two men, they were my blood and we carry a lot of the same inner demons. The news of their passing makes me feel like I am blessed with the opportunity to make decisions that will save me and that people I love from the type of pain that their drinking caused. I have a little one on the way in February, and I never want him to receive the same news that I did.
Also, I now have an indisputable reason for not drinking, should anybody try to rib me. I lost my father to alcoholism. I lost my brother to alcoholism. I am not going to lose myself to it, so shove it.
That's that. Oddly, since hearing the news, I have had zero urges to drink. I am making myself excellent meals every night and thoroughly enjoyed them, I am spending all the money I would be spending on booze on great books and reading them, and I am finding support online. For what it's worth, thank you all for being here and giving me space to process. I really feel like my abrasive prayers may have been answered.
-A
I am writing to check in because I haven't in a couple of weeks.
About a week and a half ago, I was really struggling. The prospect of lifelong sobriety seemed so big and overwhelming that I started to seriously question whether it was worth pursuing. My brain started spinning justifications: Most people I know who drink somewhat heavily seem to generally be in decent health. I have never personally known anyone who has died from cirrhosis. Maybe, just *maybe* if I tried hard enough, I could limit myself to the sought-after 2 drinks a day and be okay with that. (That was all the booze brain talking, I know.)
I woke up last Monday and stood in my living room and offered an abrasive, but very real, prayer. I said out loud: God, I can't do this on my own. I don't know how to do this. I either need you to help me or I'm giving up forever. I surrender. Do whatever you want with me.
A couple of days later, I received a hand-written letter in the mail from the ex-wife of my biological father, who I have not spoken to in over 20 years. In the letter, she explained to me that my half-brother died of alcohol induced cirrhosis and enlarged heart the day after my birthday. She said that he had a "hidden drinking problem", which caught up with him, forcing him to leave behind two children. Additionally, she told me that my biological father himself recently died unexpectedly as well, after apparently having slipped in his bathtub. He lived alone because two wives divorced him, as he could not control his drinking.
So that's it. A lot of tragedy. A half-brother who had a secret drinking problem and died of cirrhosis. A father who I have had no relationship with and who lost his family because of his drinking. As sad as it is, a part of me feels more inspired than ever, because I feel as though there was some amount of fate in my receiving that news when I did. Despite the fact that I had no real relationship with these two men, they were my blood and we carry a lot of the same inner demons. The news of their passing makes me feel like I am blessed with the opportunity to make decisions that will save me and that people I love from the type of pain that their drinking caused. I have a little one on the way in February, and I never want him to receive the same news that I did.
Also, I now have an indisputable reason for not drinking, should anybody try to rib me. I lost my father to alcoholism. I lost my brother to alcoholism. I am not going to lose myself to it, so shove it.
That's that. Oddly, since hearing the news, I have had zero urges to drink. I am making myself excellent meals every night and thoroughly enjoyed them, I am spending all the money I would be spending on booze on great books and reading them, and I am finding support online. For what it's worth, thank you all for being here and giving me space to process. I really feel like my abrasive prayers may have been answered.
-A
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
I'm sorry for your losses but I really wish a different and better ending for your story VDGS 
I'm glad you have zero urges right now but that may not always be the case, sadly - have you got a recovery plan at all?
D
I'm glad you have zero urges right now but that may not always be the case, sadly - have you got a recovery plan at all?
D
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
vdgs,
Sorry for your loss.
I am over 8 months clean after binge drinking for that last 30 years. I quit because I couldn't work out like i wanted to and still be a drunk. I nearly collapsed one day after a hard work out. I decided that I have had enough brain damage for this life time.
I am not an overly religious man. I go to church about 3 times a year. Sometimes I wait in the car for my wife while she goes in. I did that this year for mid night mass. But, I believe in God and the Bible.
I believe in the mystery of faith. I believe YOU have been changed by a higher power. Why? Because you asked and you had faith. Even if it was just a tiny bit generated by your need.
Keep the faith. Pray when you need strength. Prayer fills you up so no bad can get in.
That is how it works. I use the Lord's Prayer and Hail Mary. They are the only ones I know, except for the kids prayer.
I also have a plan like Dee said. I don't take any anti d.s. I work out. That is my new addiction.
Stay clean. Be a proud sober man.
Sorry for your loss.
I am over 8 months clean after binge drinking for that last 30 years. I quit because I couldn't work out like i wanted to and still be a drunk. I nearly collapsed one day after a hard work out. I decided that I have had enough brain damage for this life time.
I am not an overly religious man. I go to church about 3 times a year. Sometimes I wait in the car for my wife while she goes in. I did that this year for mid night mass. But, I believe in God and the Bible.
I believe in the mystery of faith. I believe YOU have been changed by a higher power. Why? Because you asked and you had faith. Even if it was just a tiny bit generated by your need.
Keep the faith. Pray when you need strength. Prayer fills you up so no bad can get in.
That is how it works. I use the Lord's Prayer and Hail Mary. They are the only ones I know, except for the kids prayer.
I also have a plan like Dee said. I don't take any anti d.s. I work out. That is my new addiction.
Stay clean. Be a proud sober man.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
VDGS, I am sorry for your loss.
You most definitely experienced Devine Intervention. I am a believer, and I truly believe with all of my heart that praying helped me quit drinking, and has kept me sober.
Congratulations on the little one on the way! This is an excellent time to change your life! ☺
You most definitely experienced Devine Intervention. I am a believer, and I truly believe with all of my heart that praying helped me quit drinking, and has kept me sober.
Congratulations on the little one on the way! This is an excellent time to change your life! ☺
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,536
I'm glad you wanted to talk about this, VDGS. Many SR members have had similar tragedy strike us or our families - & we understand. I'm sorry you got such sad news, but happy for the way you're going to turn this around and salvage your own life.
Congratulations on your new baby, arriving next month. So much to be thankful for.
Congratulations on your new baby, arriving next month. So much to be thankful for.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
So sorry to hear of these tragedies. You would be showing great honor to your father and half-brother if you did not allow their deaths to be in vain. Let this propel you claim LIFE for yourself in no uncertain terms, and to LIVE to be a parent to your child.
You prayed the sinner's prayer, more or less. I've heard many stories of divine intervention following the sinner's prayer.
Seize this moment for everything you can. Do you have a plan? If not, I hope you'll start crafting one!
Wow, the cycle of life. Two deaths, one life saved, one life entering the world.
You prayed the sinner's prayer, more or less. I've heard many stories of divine intervention following the sinner's prayer.
Seize this moment for everything you can. Do you have a plan? If not, I hope you'll start crafting one!
Wow, the cycle of life. Two deaths, one life saved, one life entering the world.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by VDGS 
I am not going to lose myself to it, so shove it.
The last line you wrote is so right on!
I am not going to lose myself to it, so shove it.
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