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Hate that I am judging...

Old 01-11-2016, 05:24 PM
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Hate that I am judging...

Today is day 6 for me and I am having a hard time not judging DH as I watch him get drunk in front of me. He had 2 beers at lunch and is just finishing the 6 pack he got from the store. He's starting to slur, something I have always hated hearing, even when we drank together (since my tolerance was higher than his, he was always drunker, faster than me.)

I know I have no right to be doing this and I am sure he has hated coming home to my drunk butt for the last few months. This is going to be the hard part, it seems and I am just hoping it doesn't tear us apart. Can anyone relate? I wish I had compassion right now but I don't. I feel awful for thinking like this about him.
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Old 01-11-2016, 05:35 PM
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Hey "P". You can only control and be responsible for yourself. Other's actions are not your realm.
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Old 01-11-2016, 05:35 PM
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My husband is sipping his beer, like he does most nights. It is no skin off my nose. He does not react to alcohol the way I do. He works hard and is entitled if he wants.

When he drinks a lot, usually on Sat night, I do not like the slurring, or the beer breath. No big deal though.

Frankly, I never would quit drinking if it depended on him. Fortunately, my sobriety has nothing to do with him. It is all mine.
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Old 01-11-2016, 05:41 PM
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You can't help having feelings about drinking, especially so early in recovery. Just recognize that feelings don't have to become actions. Recognize them and let them go.

Stay strong in your sobriety.
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Old 01-11-2016, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by least View Post
You can't help having feelings about drinking, especially so early in recovery. Just recognize that feelings don't have to become actions. Recognize them and let them go. Stay strong in your sobriety.
Oh I am strong. If anything, this confirms my desire to stay sober. I just hope I don't always find him so annoying when he drinks (I used to even when we drank together). I am afraid now that I am sober he will be even more annoying to me, and I don't want to be so critical of him.

I am sure my irritability today isn't helping.
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Old 01-11-2016, 06:46 PM
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My husband still drinks, although he is cutting back some. In the past when I have stopped he has been neither supportive or unsupportive of my quitting.

When I told him I had ten days yesterday and be fist bumped me and was generally happy for me. I told him I am not planning on drinking anymore, and he said you can still have a glass of wine every now and then. I told him I can't, because it is never just one, then he said well then good for you for not drinking.

I don't know that he completely gets it, but I think he is starting to.
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Old 01-11-2016, 07:27 PM
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Kind of stinks that your husband is drinking in front of you - especially at lunch and now finishing off a sixer on a Monday night. Yeah yeah, the game, I know. No excuse.

There's a line I draw in my house. No alcohol allowed. Sorry, but it's crucial to my recovery. None of my visitors mind one bit, and if they need to drink there are plenty of bars and pubs in town.

Keeping your sobriety intact with someone next to you on the couch drinking is next to impossible. I'm sorry but it's absolutely - in my opinion - the worst possible situation. If you are going to get sober for yourself, and you want to change your life, I think you are going to have to set some ground rules ASAP. You might want to establish some boundaries pronto.
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Old 01-11-2016, 11:54 PM
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Congrats on day 6
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Old 01-12-2016, 02:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Delilah1 View Post
My husband still drinks, although he is cutting back some. In the past when I have stopped he has been neither supportive or unsupportive of my quitting.

When I told him I had ten days yesterday and be fist bumped me and was generally happy for me. I told him I am not planning on drinking anymore, and he said you can still have a glass of wine every now and then. I told him I can't, because it is never just one, then he said well then good for you for not drinking.

I don't know that he completely gets it, but I think he is starting to.
Yeah, he sounds like he can't relate but it also sounds like he is proud of you (that's cute on the fist pump). I take it you guys have never talked about your drinking? DH has heard me swear off alcohol probably a hundred times over the last year.
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Old 01-12-2016, 03:03 AM
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Originally Posted by bigsombrero View Post
Kind of stinks that your husband is drinking in front of you - especially at lunch and now finishing off a sixer on a Monday night. Yeah yeah, the game, I know. No excuse.

There's a line I draw in my house. No alcohol allowed. Sorry, but it's crucial to my recovery. None of my visitors mind one bit, and if they need to drink there are plenty of bars and pubs in town.

Keeping your sobriety intact with someone next to you on the couch drinking is next to impossible. I'm sorry but it's absolutely - in my opinion - the worst possible situation. If you are going to get sober for yourself, and you want to change your life, I think you are going to have to set some ground rules ASAP. You might want to establish some boundaries pronto.
Well, it was his birthday. I know, normal drinkers probably don't have to drink on their birthdays. But Monday is also his day off so yeah, he usually drinks and never only has one at a restaurant.

I appreciate the concern and the input- I made a thread about it last week asking if I should tell him I am not drinking anymore or just keep quiet. The thing is, I have been telling him for the last year that I "want to stop, am going to stop, can't drink anymore". And I never keep my word. So if I were to say it again, it would be meaningless (like crying wolf, I suppose.)

I have also asked him in the past not to drink when I was quitting. Sometimes he would be okay with it and other times it pissed him off and he found I was "trying to control his life."

Like others explained to me, this is my problem, not his (although I feel he has a problem as well but that is for him to discover on his own).


And honestly, I was worried about how it was going to affect me but after last night I realize it only makes me stronger. I see myself in him when he drinks and it is a huge turn off. If I see that the cravings increase or that this feeling changes, I will definitely speak up. Thanks for the reminder that support is crucial during this time
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Old 01-12-2016, 03:27 AM
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I think that a person who did not have a bit of a problem themselves would or should (how important is it social drinker?) drink in front of their partner if said partner had made a decision to not drink. This does not necessarily mean indefinitely, but at least support the person in the early days . It's not very caring and supportive of such an important decision in a person's life. Drunks are boring and annoying too. I should know.
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Old 01-12-2016, 03:40 AM
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Congrats on Day 6! Yes, my husband drinking was/is always a threat to my sobriety. In moments of weakness, alcohol was there, as was someone to drink with. I understand how hard it is.

One thing I have noticed about myself. . .when I find myself judging others, it is often because I am seeing my worst self in them. Meaning, I judge them because they trigger something about myself that I don't like. This in NO WAY excuses other's behavior. Just something I picked up on.

So go easy on yourself as you tread this path. And as others have said, you have no control over what he does. Take care of YOU as best you can in this circumstance.
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Old 01-12-2016, 04:24 AM
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I found when I had that 5 years up it no longer bothered me to have people drinking around me (parties, etc) so long as they didn't behave like me when I was drinking at parties, get togethers etc. Invitations start to drop off. Understandably some people might need to maintain a 'dry house' but as I became more confident in my sobriety it did not bother me, but must say found myself leaving earlier.
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Old 01-12-2016, 05:43 AM
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Can somewhat relate. I was addicted but quit 5 years ago. Back then my husband had no problems with drugs or alcohol and was supportive of me. But fast forward, he developed a dependency on prescription meds and adds alcohol. I find him annoying andit makes me say to myself 'was I like that?' Im sure I annoyed him and think I behaved worse. It hasnt rekindled my desire to use, if I had any hidden thoughts they have been removed and its made me stronger. But its not attractive on him so I limit our interactions if hes under the influence so it doesnt leave me feeling negative.
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Old 01-12-2016, 06:55 AM
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My husband drinks way too much pretty frequently and I don't like it one bit.

I really would like to have an alcohol-free home as I grew up with an alcoholic
parent and my husband's mood swings, anger and depression are much worse drinking.
Unfortunately, this reminds me very much of the unstable environment which I grew up in
and I actually hurt in the gut being around it the same I did when I was a kid.

He put up with my drinking for years which was more of a problem then his is so far
so I feel guilty about wanting to "manage" his booze intake when I wouldn't allow
anyone, especially him, to manage mine.

Ultimately, I don't know what this will mean to our relationship.
We've been married 20 years and though this isn't the only issue we have,
it is the biggest one for me.
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Old 01-12-2016, 09:26 AM
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Great job on Day 6!!

It's tough in the beginning to be around alcohol, but with time and as you become stronger in your Sobriety it will get easier, keep focused on your journey and most of the rest will take care of itself!!
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