help
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Drinking to dangerous levels is drinking to dangerous levels .
Having and inability to make friends is having an inability to make friends.
They are not the same thing and one is not the solution to the other .
I found reading this book useful :- Friends and Enemies: Our need to love and hate
Maybe you need some professional help with this stuff ? CBT ( cognitive behavioural therapy ) helped me a bit .
m
Having and inability to make friends is having an inability to make friends.
They are not the same thing and one is not the solution to the other .
I found reading this book useful :- Friends and Enemies: Our need to love and hate
Maybe you need some professional help with this stuff ? CBT ( cognitive behavioural therapy ) helped me a bit .
m
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Originally Posted by MikeM 
I cannot connect. And it drives me to drink. That is the link.
I couldn't connect with others because of alcohol, the reality was alcohol was my number one love, because I had an addiction, I would obsess in ridiculous ways about alcohol, and so there wasn't a chance anyone was going to fit in amongst that dynamic.
Sure I would talk to people and socialise, but what I really wanted to do was drink, I was more concerned with what was in my glass than what someone was saying, how could I ever make a real connection when a person would always be second best to alcohol?
Trust me Mike lay the foundation of Sobriety, finally draw a line under alcohol and life will take on a whole new dynamic, one in which people are allowed into your life, which isn't being ruled by alcohol!!
You can do this!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Very true mecanix. I need help with my social anxiety. I don't even understand how eye-contact works. And looking someone in the eyes is like looking a lion that is stand right in front of you in the eyes to me.
At least this gave me a direction. Now to get help. Fortunately I'm friends with some of the most social people in the world who also teach it and teach how to overcome problems with it. No, I can't tell you on here or in PM who they are unfortunately, since it would compromise my anonymity.
At least this gave me a direction. Now to get help. Fortunately I'm friends with some of the most social people in the world who also teach it and teach how to overcome problems with it. No, I can't tell you on here or in PM who they are unfortunately, since it would compromise my anonymity.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by MikeM
his inability to form relationships is the cause of my drinking. .
Believing that either alcohol or a relationship is some sort of magic elixir speaks to the very heart of our actual problem. The answer to our peace and happiness is not an external one. No one person or thing should hold our happiness hostage.
And yes, I certainly understand lonelieness....it's no easy patch either ...yet relationships come with their very own set of problems you could find reason to drink about just as easy.
I very much agree with FreeOwl....sobriety comes down to a decision that only you can make. You have to own it first and then find some like minds to help you down the road.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
Um...you sure bout that?
But... thanks to this forum I have reached out to someone who is a good friend and also a wonderful coach when it comes to social interactions.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I like others here think you might have it the wrong way around Mike. Your problems aren't driving you to drink.
Your drinking is really at the base of most, if not all, your problems.
I had to fix myself cos I was broken, I couldn't do that while I was drinking. I didn't know who I was until I got sober for a start.
All those things you want are fine things to aim for...but you won't be able to get those in order for you to fix your drinking.
I started drinking to try and fill a void in me.You can't fill the void - but you can heal it.
But you need to fix the drinking first.
I'm not at all interested in knowing who the people are - but what is 'it' they teach?
D
Your drinking is really at the base of most, if not all, your problems.
I had to fix myself cos I was broken, I couldn't do that while I was drinking. I didn't know who I was until I got sober for a start.
All those things you want are fine things to aim for...but you won't be able to get those in order for you to fix your drinking.
I started drinking to try and fill a void in me.You can't fill the void - but you can heal it.
But you need to fix the drinking first.
Fortunately I'm friends with some of the most social people in the world who also teach it and teach how to overcome problems with it.
- but what is 'it' they teach?D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by Dee74
I like others here think you might have it the wrong way around Mike. Your problems aren't driving you to drink.
Your drinking is really at the base of most, if not all, your problems.
I had to fix myself cos I was broken, I couldn't do that while I was drinking. I didn't know who I was until I got sober for a start.
All those things you want are fine things to aim for...but you won't be able to get those in order for you to fix your drinking.
I started drinking to try and fill a void in me.You can't fill the void - but you can heal it.
But you need to fix the drinking first.
I'm not at all interested in knowing who the people are - but what is 'it' they teach?
D
Your drinking is really at the base of most, if not all, your problems.
I had to fix myself cos I was broken, I couldn't do that while I was drinking. I didn't know who I was until I got sober for a start.
All those things you want are fine things to aim for...but you won't be able to get those in order for you to fix your drinking.
I started drinking to try and fill a void in me.You can't fill the void - but you can heal it.
But you need to fix the drinking first.
I'm not at all interested in knowing who the people are
- but what is 'it' they teach?D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,586
I don't know much but think that connection with self is first and foremost (outside of stopping drinking) and part of making that connection is making the decision to not drink however painful. A relationship is not going to make it all come together. Probably throw it asunder. Stopping drinking puts you in a position to be a real and authentic person that can sustain a meaningful relationship and which all meaningful relationships must be based otherwise they are hollow and empty much like you feel now. Hang 'round here we need you. 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Originally Posted by MikeM
They teach social interaction skills, persuasion, sales, those kind of things.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by Steely
I don't know much but think that connection with self is first and foremost (outside of stopping drinking) and part of making that connection is making the decision to not drink however painful. A relationship is not going to make it all come together. Probably throw it asunder. Stopping drinking puts you in a position to be a real and authentic person that can sustain a meaningful relationship and which all meaningful relationships must be based otherwise they are hollow and empty much like you feel now. Hang 'round here we need you.
There's no self anyway. There's no thing inside you saying: "Hi, I'm you!" when you think "I...". Yet that is the unconsious assumtion most people run on. Btw, if you got that, congratulations, you are liberated as described in the Buddhist tradition and it's supposedly the highest accomplisment. Bit of a let down. Especially since all the other insights are illusions or delusions.
And still you're drinking...
And I do see now that alcoholism is a separate problem from my inability to connect. It makes the inability worse. But that inability was there first. So I need to strip away the alcohol and work on connecting with people.
I'm off to bed, thanks all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by SillyHuman
Mike, it is possible you have some kind of attachment disorder. Once you are sober, you can get treatment for that too.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by Hevyn
I'm glad you wanted to talk about what happened, Mike. We're in this with you, and we know you can rise up out of this misery. See you soon. 
Now I'm starting to black out. Time to log off.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Hi, Mike. You can't solve all this at the same time. First things first. You're 34 and don't want to die. Just address that for now.
Go to a detox center. That's your first step. Once you're healthier, you can address other things.
Go to a detox center. That's your first step. Once you're healthier, you can address other things.
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