Tetra

I have posted here a lot about my situation so I won't go into all that again. Except to say that I have been feeling this huge resentment towards my parents for the past few days.
I do get very down from time to time. Last night I couldn't sleep and I was thinking I would be better off dead.
Then I felt my heart pounding in my chest. I feel that is called "purpose" and I'm here for a reason.
Now I have to figure out what that is.
I have been busy sending out CVs and stuff.
Any tips for getting through the days?
I did not know what else to do, and thought I would share my anger here.

lovetolisten

When was the last time you drank? I know the heart pounding, resentment, and thoughts of death and dying follow a bender for me. Giving it time is the only thing that works for me, and just waiting and knowing I WILL feel better.

Tetra

No, I haven't had a bender. And I am about 11 months sober.

saoutchik

I know you are taking driving lessons Tetra (which are expensive in the UK so they probably are in Ireland too)
Can you persuade your dad or a friend to give you an hour or two during the week -evenings maybe so you can get closer to getting your license and more freedom. Although you would not be being taught as such time behind the wheel is helpful because the longer you spend driving the less you have to actively think about what you need to be doing.

I realise that is not a very profound answer to the question you posed but sometimes the small things add up to being in a better place

wpainterw

I too was angry. At my mother during her last ten years, when she became mean, almost vicious at times. But this was a period when she had a series of mini strokes, TIA's I think they're called. Then one big stroke, which she more or less "recovered" from but which made her attitude worse. She would call me a "failure", a disappointment, etc. But, later, after she died, I realized that her changed attitude was no doubt due to changes within her brain, something she could not do anything about. And this knowledge, combined with my recalling how her mother had in turn been mean and difficult to her when she was young, gave me understanding. And with understanding comes forgiveness.
I have not had a stroke or a TIA but the time for me is growing shorter. I have had three heart operations, two prostate ones and am scheduled for a hernia operation next Thursday. I too have been thinking about the meaning of my life. And I have found that the meaning is that I should leave a footprint, make something or someone just a little better, hopefully happier, than if I had not been there at all. I hope I may have done that to make up for my forty years of drinking off and on. Leave something behind. Not money, possessions, but love, hope, happiness.

W.

ALinNS

Families can be tough on us simply because they do not understand what we go through in life or they think their answers are always best. I take the high road and simply shrug it off, may be tough to do at times but holding it in takes a lot of energy and will wear us down.

Do you have any hobbies you could maybe get into, I learned I liked Yoga at the age of 50 and it really relaxes me. Not sure what it's like there but the community centers here seem to have something on the go just about every night.

Hang in there, you are doing great, 11 months is something to be very proud of.

Andrew

Hawkeye13

Your parents are very controlling and seem to be more concerned about
what others will think than what you need or want in life.

I'd be damn angry and resentful too Tetra.
I think it's healthy to let it out, and it is also a major step in separating yourself from
them to find an independent life for yourself.

Sounds like you are working towards this goal.
What kind of housing assistance / government assistance might
you be eligible for?

Finding a flat with room mates and even casual work might
be a possible early escape while you wait for a significant job offer.

For me, finding peace from my impossible mother meant moving out of the house
and quite frankly out of the area where she lived.
Not being under her thumb really reduced my resentment pretty quickly.
I was poor, but in control of my own life.

Soberpotamus

I completely agree with what Hawkeye has said, Tetra.

This is a great sign that you are getting to the point you're ready to make a big change for yourself. Getting angry will propel you forward. I would certainly be angry.

Use this to move forward. Finish up your driving lessons, get mobile, find a flat, and whatever job you can find that will pay for those things. It can be temporary, doesn't matter.

The confidence you will gain will be invaluable. And your resentments will then begin to fade away.

wpainterw

I completely agree. I had a friend in that situation but as soon as she got her own living arrangement (it's better too if you have a room mate or two to share your flat.; provides companionship and cuts down on expenses) she improved dramatically in her mental state and has been quite content compared with her former life at home under her parents' thumb. And you will probably see that your relationship with your parents will improve if you do that. Finally it also will help you with your impressive progress in maintaining sobriety. As to my former post, I now think that it's better to move out and get on your own rather than try to stick it out, "understand" and "forgive".

W.

courage2

When I have a lot of resentment against someone, I try very carefully to reason through the backstory of the resentment, and then most importantly reflect on my part in it -- how I contributed to it or why I allowed myself to get into it. I share my problem with others, to see their perspectives. Only then am I able to plan reasonable actions, and to gain some peace.

Also every day I remind myself that my sobriety rests on doing what seems most right at every turn, no matter what anyone else does or says, and, after that, on treating others as well as I can.

You're an adult and you can handle this, and stay sober.

Tetra

All my life I have been so passive. My mother has problems and I often just give in to have a quiet life. For example yesterday she said "I feel so much better when you and your sister are here because I worry about you so much when you are not".
And I just feel trapped and empty.

SoberinSyracuse

I agree with everything said above. Use the anger to propel you forward. You'll feel much better once you're on your own.

I had a super-toxic mom and I got better very quickly after I no longer lived with her. Then, over time, I came to see her as she really was and I was able to forgive her. But that didn't mean letting her start poisoning me again. Just that I was able to understand the things in her life that had turned her ugly, and I had compassion for her.

Soberpotamus

I can relate well to that trapped feeling, Tetra. My mother and grandmother (especially) wanted me there for them, as if I were an object or a possession.

I really hope you take the steps forward to become independent of her. You really can do it. I know it's scary.

They certainly are good at making us feel we can't make it on our own, but ... we can. You can!

courage2

Is being passive healthy for you? Ultimately, is it healthy for your mother or the rest of your family for you to give in to her all the time?

It doesn't sound like your mother's going to change. You can't wait for her. It sounds like you're ready to set some boundaries.

We're on your side!

Inchworm

Hi, Tetra. Whenever I feel resentment it often involves me being angry with myself for not being able to set limits or boundaries with the person(s) with whom I am angry. Resentment really is the most powerful poison.

wpainterw

I am convinced that, as we say over here in America, you'll feel better, and have a better relationship with your parents when you "get yourself out of Dodge City", get on your own, work on your sobriety, your most valuable possession. Your AV probably feeds on your resentment, to try to encourage you to drink. Don't fall for that! Get off on your own. You'll be less "passive", more self reliant, and your parents will be less controlling enablers. In that respect alcoholism has been rightly called a family disease. Even when the parents are not alcoholic they can very well be toxic.

W.

FormerWineGirl

Tetra, the longer you stay in your current situation, the more resentful you will become. Deep resentment is a toxic emotion. You don't want it to further erode your relationship with your mother or threaten your sobriety. Please consider some of the exellent suggestions posted here.

SillyHuman

You succeeded today. I love your post. Thanks so much for sharing your beautiful thoughts.

Berrybean

Are you getting any support T?

I know I couldn't have figured out how to work through my resentments (esp family ones) on my own. Doing the 12-step work with a sponsor really helped me work through things - not that those memories / feelings don't occasionally rear their ugly heads, esp if I'm overtired, or poorly. But now, when they do, I can recognise what is happening and deal with it quickly using the tools I have learned, or contact my sponsor. CoDa has also been really useful for me, understanding why I feel / react some of the ways I am inclined to, and learn where and when to draw the line in feeling guilty and responsibility for how others feel. Their hand book is available on line.

Also, check out those HALT triggers. Being Hungry; Angry; Lonely; Tired may not make you pick up, but these things def have the potential for making a usually healthy recovery suddenly distinctly unhealthy and painful.

I hope you feel better soon.

BB

ReadyAtLast

I has huge resentments too and still do sometimes.

All I know is that I cannot change what others say or do so I have to not let them bother me. My reaction and how I deal with them is all I can change. When I realize this and act on it i start to feel better.

The only way of improving this situation is by getting distance from your mother which really means finding alternative accommodation. Until you are prepared to do this, not much will really change