How to cope with losing friends
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Vancouver, B.C.
Posts: 8
How to cope with losing friends
I am on day one of sobriety. I feel so alone. All of my friends are people I've met at the pub or people who socially hang out at places that revolve around drinking. I know it's easy to say - go join a knitting club - or some crap, but I'm struggling. Giving up drinking means giving up on my life the way it's been and giving up on almost all the people I know. This is so scary. I'm already crying because I don't know how to get through this.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Hi, I'm just starting the process but I'll share what I've learned so far.
Some of my drinking buddies are actually true friends who at a minimum are committed to helping me escape this trap. And a few are inspired by me to escape themselves.
Others, not so much. And it hurts to have them depart from me. I just put this in another thread for someone who is dealing with rejection. This is what we should do: Set an alarm to remind us once every hour to go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and say loudly at least three times:
"I attract people who increase my greatness. I repel people who don't."
When people reject us, it doesn't always mean we suck. Sometimes it's because they're intimidated by the growth and greatness they see in us.
If people reject you because you embrace sobriety and health, trust me.... They're scared of the greatness in you.
Some of my drinking buddies are actually true friends who at a minimum are committed to helping me escape this trap. And a few are inspired by me to escape themselves.
Others, not so much. And it hurts to have them depart from me. I just put this in another thread for someone who is dealing with rejection. This is what we should do: Set an alarm to remind us once every hour to go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and say loudly at least three times:
"I attract people who increase my greatness. I repel people who don't."
When people reject us, it doesn't always mean we suck. Sometimes it's because they're intimidated by the growth and greatness they see in us.
If people reject you because you embrace sobriety and health, trust me.... They're scared of the greatness in you.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Originally Posted by SillyHuman 
Hi lola. You are going to have to make new friends, find new things to do. We all do. That is recovery in a nutshell. You will be great.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Vancouver, B.C.
Posts: 8
I don't think it's so much about rejection as it is that I am going to have to abandon a lot of people in my life. I have been a crazy heavy drinker and to be honest, most of the friendships and relationships, acquaintances, are all people who partied like I did. Now to start over I lose everything and all of them 
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
LL, are you sue that you can't try hanging out with them in other setting?
If not... I moved across the country when I quit because I drank my way into a financial crisis. I'm six months in and I've had lonely stretches.
I don't know how you feel about AA. I was very skeptical and hated it more than anything at first. But as I got used to it and found groups that I liked, I found that it took some of that pressure of feeling isolated off. It's not the same as having normal friends. But it's a feeling of closeness and connection, and sometimes some friendly talk, that's always available.
The thing is... the first month hurts like hell a lot of the time. No matter how bad it gets, you need to stick through it, because 90% of what you're experiencing is your brain being flooded with crazy chemicals as it tries to rebalance itself.
Have you ever watched The Neverending Story? The first month felt like a fairy tale to me in that there was some new challenge everywhere I looked... but I knew that I just had to keep going. My mind was playing tricks on me and I had to remember that it wasn't real.
Six months in, I have good friendly relationships with a lot of acquaintances and a couple of real friends here. I know I'd have more if I weren't working 70 hours a week. You'll get there too. You won't even have to join a knitting club. Itll just happen as you start changing your environment.
If not... I moved across the country when I quit because I drank my way into a financial crisis. I'm six months in and I've had lonely stretches.
I don't know how you feel about AA. I was very skeptical and hated it more than anything at first. But as I got used to it and found groups that I liked, I found that it took some of that pressure of feeling isolated off. It's not the same as having normal friends. But it's a feeling of closeness and connection, and sometimes some friendly talk, that's always available.
The thing is... the first month hurts like hell a lot of the time. No matter how bad it gets, you need to stick through it, because 90% of what you're experiencing is your brain being flooded with crazy chemicals as it tries to rebalance itself.
Have you ever watched The Neverending Story? The first month felt like a fairy tale to me in that there was some new challenge everywhere I looked... but I knew that I just had to keep going. My mind was playing tricks on me and I had to remember that it wasn't real.
Six months in, I have good friendly relationships with a lot of acquaintances and a couple of real friends here. I know I'd have more if I weren't working 70 hours a week. You'll get there too. You won't even have to join a knitting club. Itll just happen as you start changing your environment.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Originally Posted by LittleLola
I don't think it's so much about rejection as it is that I am going to have to abandon a lot of people in my life. I have been a crazy heavy drinker and to be honest, most of the friendships and relationships, acquaintances, are all people who partied like I did. Now to start over I lose everything and all of them
Others may take offense. That's okay. These are the people who don't increase your greatness. Good riddance.
Once you pull the trigger on this, you may be surprised to have more support than you ever expected. Don't grieve what is not yet lost. Take a risk. Go for it. Take the plunge.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Originally Posted by LittleLola
I don't even know what to do with a new potential friend. It's always been - Do you want to go grab some beers after work? - What do you say??
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Once you're on your way a little more, you'll find things that you like to do after work that aren't going to a bar.... and you can invite someone along with you wherever you're going. I always look out for cool sounding cheap or free events that I can go to and invite others along. When I was sober before in nicer weather, I also used to invite people hiking or bicycling, or to street fairs and stuff.
If all else fails, going for food instead of for drinks is usually a good substitute. People will usually order a drink with theirs, so I waited on this until I felt pretty comfortable. Or there's going out for coffee.
It'll start to feel more natural to you as you start to feel more comfortable in sobriety.
If all else fails, going for food instead of for drinks is usually a good substitute. People will usually order a drink with theirs, so I waited on this until I felt pretty comfortable. Or there's going out for coffee.
It'll start to feel more natural to you as you start to feel more comfortable in sobriety.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Originally Posted by SoberinSyracuse
This is what we should do: Set an alarm to remind us once every hour to go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and say loudly at least three times:
"I attract people who increase my greatness. I repel people who don't."
"I attract people who increase my greatness. I repel people who don't."
I'm going to try it to help myself. Thanks S in S.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Lets separate the fear of loneliness and starting over from the fear of losing these specific friends/drinking buddies.
The fact is that your previous drinking life was killing you and if it continued would eventually rob you of everything, your friends, you dignity, and eventually your life. Your previous drinking buddies were part of this problem that would kill you. They have to go. This time last year I tried to quit and widen my social circle and invested a lot of time in developing new friendships.The problem is that these were formed down the pub. I developed 2 or 3 good friends (or so I thought) but really they were drinking buddies. I have not contacted them since I quit - and they have not contacted me either. Amazing how quitting separates the wheat from the chaff.
There may be some among your friends that are "real friends" and would do almost anything to help you. I am in the same situation as you. I told them that I have quit drinking, forever, but that I want to stay in touch. But that I can't meet them in drinking situations again, at least for for a year minimum. Any activity we can do together that does not involve alcohol I am 100% available for and would love to meet them. EVERY one of these friends responded in a warm, respectful, helpful way....and yes, we have stayed in touch.
My advice to you LL is to decide which of your friends are real friends that you want to keep. Have the quitting/sober conversation with them and then invest time in those that are willing to hang out with you in those circumstances. Cut everyone else and grind this out. Right now is not the time to sweat this. Your priority is to stay sober. When you are strong and sober and positive and confident you can think about widening your network again.
One final question, is your addiction making this in a problem for you to try to get you to fail before you even start?
The fact is that your previous drinking life was killing you and if it continued would eventually rob you of everything, your friends, you dignity, and eventually your life. Your previous drinking buddies were part of this problem that would kill you. They have to go. This time last year I tried to quit and widen my social circle and invested a lot of time in developing new friendships.The problem is that these were formed down the pub. I developed 2 or 3 good friends (or so I thought) but really they were drinking buddies. I have not contacted them since I quit - and they have not contacted me either. Amazing how quitting separates the wheat from the chaff.
There may be some among your friends that are "real friends" and would do almost anything to help you. I am in the same situation as you. I told them that I have quit drinking, forever, but that I want to stay in touch. But that I can't meet them in drinking situations again, at least for for a year minimum. Any activity we can do together that does not involve alcohol I am 100% available for and would love to meet them. EVERY one of these friends responded in a warm, respectful, helpful way....and yes, we have stayed in touch.
My advice to you LL is to decide which of your friends are real friends that you want to keep. Have the quitting/sober conversation with them and then invest time in those that are willing to hang out with you in those circumstances. Cut everyone else and grind this out. Right now is not the time to sweat this. Your priority is to stay sober. When you are strong and sober and positive and confident you can think about widening your network again.
One final question, is your addiction making this in a problem for you to try to get you to fail before you even start?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Originally Posted by LittleLola
I don't even know what to do with a new potential friend. It's always been - Do you want to go grab some beers after work? - What do you say??
When I moved across the country years ago I joined a running group to meet people. I never was a fast runner, but I met some incredible people, and one of them is still one of my closest friends. The advantage to running slow on long runs was plenty of time to talk!
I know it isn't easy, but true friends will still be there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by fantail
LL, are you sue that you can't try hanging out with them in other setting?
If not... I moved across the country when I quit because I drank my way into a financial crisis. I'm six months in and I've had lonely stretches.
I don't know how you feel about AA. I was very skeptical and hated it more than anything at first. But as I got used to it and found groups that I liked, I found that it took some of that pressure of feeling isolated off. It's not the same as having normal friends. But it's a feeling of closeness and connection, and sometimes some friendly talk, that's always available.
The thing is... the first month hurts like hell a lot of the time. No matter how bad it gets, you need to stick through it, because 90% of what you're experiencing is your brain being flooded with crazy chemicals as it tries to rebalance itself.
Have you ever watched The Neverending Story? The first month felt like a fairy tale to me in that there was some new challenge everywhere I looked... but I knew that I just had to keep going. My mind was playing tricks on me and I had to remember that it wasn't real.
Six months in, I have good friendly relationships with a lot of acquaintances and a couple of real friends here. I know I'd have more if I weren't working 70 hours a week. You'll get there too. You won't even have to join a knitting club. Itll just happen as you start changing your environment.
If not... I moved across the country when I quit because I drank my way into a financial crisis. I'm six months in and I've had lonely stretches.
I don't know how you feel about AA. I was very skeptical and hated it more than anything at first. But as I got used to it and found groups that I liked, I found that it took some of that pressure of feeling isolated off. It's not the same as having normal friends. But it's a feeling of closeness and connection, and sometimes some friendly talk, that's always available.
The thing is... the first month hurts like hell a lot of the time. No matter how bad it gets, you need to stick through it, because 90% of what you're experiencing is your brain being flooded with crazy chemicals as it tries to rebalance itself.
Have you ever watched The Neverending Story? The first month felt like a fairy tale to me in that there was some new challenge everywhere I looked... but I knew that I just had to keep going. My mind was playing tricks on me and I had to remember that it wasn't real.
Six months in, I have good friendly relationships with a lot of acquaintances and a couple of real friends here. I know I'd have more if I weren't working 70 hours a week. You'll get there too. You won't even have to join a knitting club. Itll just happen as you start changing your environment.
Some of my old drinking buddies have been keepers - they want to see ME, not just have an extra sounding board at the bar. We've enjoyed going for walked and cycle rides; going for coffee or dinner, or catching a train to places that we've never been before. One of them has had a baby (with many complications along the way) and I'm happy that I was sober and able to support her. Before she's have had to make do with some scant texts sent from a bar stool, or maybe a fleeting visit on the way to or from the pub.
I have made a few really good, close friends at AA. People who I have felt I could trust to tell some of my darker stuff - which I told NO-one before. Also lots of new friends at AA and my church who I won't be sharing intimate secrets with, but am always happy to see and spend time with.
The whole 'knitting club' comment sounds so me like your AV is at work at the moment. So,, to your AV.... No, maybe not a knitting club, but I'm sure that LL has a lot of other interests that have been pushed aside for many years that she can rekindle in sobriety. And if those people feel abandoned and hurt and lonely, they can always come and see her some place else.
Besides - what about those people who we abandoned for the sake of drinking?? I know my mum has really enjoyed a new, closer relationship with me now that she's more important than getting wrecked at the weekend. And my old best buddy from school was very happy to hear from me, and we have had fun getting to know each other again.
BB x
Alcohol is never the answer. It is generally the problem.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Originally Posted by LittleLola
I am on day one of sobriety. I feel so alone. All of my friends are people I've met at the pub or people who socially hang out at places that revolve around drinking. I know it's easy to say - go join a knitting club - or some crap, but I'm struggling. Giving up drinking means giving up on my life the way it's been and giving up on almost all the people I know. This is so scary. I'm already crying because I don't know how to get through this.
Lots of good advice here.
You say you're crying on day one over all the friendships you think you'll lose. My instinct here is that it's actually your AV going into mourning, not you. What you wrote certainly sounds like pure Addictive Voice, hoping it can paint a bleak enough portrait of your future that you'll decide sobriety isn't worth it and start feeding it alcohol again.
You've come on here because you feel you have a problem with alcohol and need to quit drinking. So presumably you know, the rational part of you, that your previous lifestyle wasn't a good one for you, and that something has to change. If you lose all of your "friends" then sadly what that means is that you didn't have any real friends. You only had drinking buddies. Sure, they enjoy your company, but those kind of "friends" will quite happily switch to the next person to sit on your old bar stool, and probably barely notice as long as the drinks keep flowing.
The ones who are real friends, who actually care about you as a person and you have something in common with besides booze, will be up for doing other things. Try meeting for a coffee or a bite to eat before they head to the pub if you just want to chat. Or movies, concerts, theatre etc if you have any of those interests in common.
And yes, gradually you'll start building a new social life that isn't built around alcohol. I'm trying to write and record songs with my "Dads Band", just to show there are other options besides knitting
But as others have said, right now isn't the time to think too much about that. The early days can be brutal, depending on how much you used to drink, and your emotions will likely be all over the place. A period of alone time with some DVD box sets, early nights, good healthy food and lots of liquids never did anyone any harm while your body adjusts to the change you've made.
I guarantee the future will start to look rosier once you've built up some sober time. Your AV will throw everything it has at you to try and break your will and get you drinking again. That's where these forums can be a massive help. Come on here and start posting whenever you feel you might break under the pressure and let us help you separate what's real from that inner voice that wants nothing but alcohol at any price.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Friends or just drinking buddies was my first thought reading your post.
In 1998 I finally admitted to myself I was powerless over alcohol, discussed it with my X. I had a home that I had built (subcontracted some tasks) , we were the second on the street, most of the other homes around us were also built by the owner. Anyhow we were all around the same age, we got to know each other well and drank a lot together, got to the point anything was a good reason for a beer. Its funny to me as it wasn't planned but as we had children it seemed everyone on the street had them within the same year so out kids grew up together. My place was the hang out as the lot was just under 6 acres, I had a 1,700 sq/ft woodworking hobby shop, great place to stay warm and party and built a playground that would rival any I have seen, so in short the neighbors and families were over at least once a week, their kids pretty much daily after school.
In the winter I even plowed them out for free although that always ended in a beer at each house.
So in 1998 when I informed them I no longer drank as it was causing problems in my life, they all went their own way except for one whom I stay in contact with a little but not that much, so they were drinking buddies, a dime a dozen. Friends to me stick by you no matter what.
So to sum it up I need friends who will support me (often enhance my life) and respect my feelings or in this case my goal of staying sober for the rest of my life. I had to find new friends and it has taken years but I can call them true friends.
Wishing you the best
Andrew
In 1998 I finally admitted to myself I was powerless over alcohol, discussed it with my X. I had a home that I had built (subcontracted some tasks) , we were the second on the street, most of the other homes around us were also built by the owner. Anyhow we were all around the same age, we got to know each other well and drank a lot together, got to the point anything was a good reason for a beer. Its funny to me as it wasn't planned but as we had children it seemed everyone on the street had them within the same year so out kids grew up together. My place was the hang out as the lot was just under 6 acres, I had a 1,700 sq/ft woodworking hobby shop, great place to stay warm and party and built a playground that would rival any I have seen, so in short the neighbors and families were over at least once a week, their kids pretty much daily after school.
In the winter I even plowed them out for free although that always ended in a beer at each house.
So in 1998 when I informed them I no longer drank as it was causing problems in my life, they all went their own way except for one whom I stay in contact with a little but not that much, so they were drinking buddies, a dime a dozen. Friends to me stick by you no matter what.
So to sum it up I need friends who will support me (often enhance my life) and respect my feelings or in this case my goal of staying sober for the rest of my life. I had to find new friends and it has taken years but I can call them true friends.
Wishing you the best
Andrew
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Originally Posted by soberwolf
it's day 1 give yourself time to heal x
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Many good suggestions here--
it does sound like your AV is trying to get you to quit quitting.
I also lost my drinking buddies that I thought were friends.
But drinking was costing me way too much personally to afford them.
Now when I see them, it's for the once a year party to "check in" and I don't drink there.
I have gone on to new interests and a few "real" friends who like me for me.
The "old friends" all get loaded at this party like I once did, and now I'm seeing their grown kids get loaded too
so the "fun" of alcoholism has now also been passed to the next generation.
Meanwhile, I am healthy, doing very well at work, and taking care of myself physically, mentally, and spiritually.
I am learning guitar and taking voice lessons. I make jewelry and blend herbal teas.
I hike, have a growing yoga practice, and am active in a gym and in better shape
than I was 20 years ago.
I sleep and eat well.
They are, however, descending deeper into chronic alcoholism and look haggard, old,
and whatever dreams and interests most of them had have long ago vanished in a drunken haze.
Their daily grind of after work heading to the local bar, or someone's house to get loaded,
later nursing hangovers and telling drinking "war" stories is the same as it ever was. Yawn.
I am thankful to have escaped while I could.
It's all perspective. . . what do you want to do with the rest of your life?
it does sound like your AV is trying to get you to quit quitting.
I also lost my drinking buddies that I thought were friends.
But drinking was costing me way too much personally to afford them.
Now when I see them, it's for the once a year party to "check in" and I don't drink there.
I have gone on to new interests and a few "real" friends who like me for me.
The "old friends" all get loaded at this party like I once did, and now I'm seeing their grown kids get loaded too
so the "fun" of alcoholism has now also been passed to the next generation.
Meanwhile, I am healthy, doing very well at work, and taking care of myself physically, mentally, and spiritually.
I am learning guitar and taking voice lessons. I make jewelry and blend herbal teas.
I hike, have a growing yoga practice, and am active in a gym and in better shape
than I was 20 years ago.
I sleep and eat well.
They are, however, descending deeper into chronic alcoholism and look haggard, old,
and whatever dreams and interests most of them had have long ago vanished in a drunken haze.
Their daily grind of after work heading to the local bar, or someone's house to get loaded,
later nursing hangovers and telling drinking "war" stories is the same as it ever was. Yawn.
I am thankful to have escaped while I could.
It's all perspective. . . what do you want to do with the rest of your life?
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