fantail

I know that this sounds silly and self-pitying, but bear with me.

When I was a kid I was very shy. I sort of kind of got over it in high school, but not really. People always thought that I was aloof, or that I thought I was better than them. Really I was just awkward and afraid of everyone.

I did teach myself how to be less shy over time. But like lots of people, booze was a big insta-cure. I mean, who knows what I was really like drunk. But I felt fun and funny etc, and I would be outgoing and make friends. So I stopped worrying about it, until of course it was causing more social problems than it was fixing, etc.

So now I'm sober and feeling like I'm getting back on my feet and... I really am not sure that anything's changed since high school.

I just don't seem to connect with people. And people's perceptions of me are so at odds with my own self concept. People have described me as "soft spoken". They always seem to assume that I'm naive. Or the whole aloof thing again. And inside I'm really not any of those things.

People don't seem to know how to act around me. And I can feel myself being weird. When I'm in a good mood and relaxed, I can still make people laugh and make friends... there's definitely a side of me that people react to really well. But without drinking, I'm not that person very often, and the rest of the time I'm just... kind of an odd duck, I guess.

On my good days I've been telling myself that people just need to get to know me. "Acquired taste" and all that. But on my bad days it's like... well, maybe I'm kind of a jerk after all.

Anyone else know what I mean?

Dee74

Well you've never seemed like a jerk to me, or weird, fantail - ever

It took me a while to remember who I used to be before drinking and to bring that person up to speed with the 20 years of life experience I had as a drunk.

Much of my first year, after I got the non drinking down, was about that.

I guess I got a lot more comfortable in my skin cos I don't really care if people like me or not now.

I'm not aloof or anything - I have 3 or 4 good mates and I'm friendly enough but I just don't need the validation of everybody anymore.

I really like it

D

SoberinSyracuse

This kind of critical self assessment seems par for the course in early sobriety. Don't overthink it. You're fine. Just the way you are. Once you're fully on your feet, you will be able to choose how assertive or soft-spoken you are. The ball will be fully in your court.

FormerWineGirl

I understand completely. I KNOW that I am an odd duck! But at least I am genuine, and I care about people. I don't know your age, but I think that generally the older people get the less they worry about how they are perceived. The drinking you was not the genuine you. I think that for most of us, it's a myth to think we were somehow "better" socially while drinking. As for me: More talkative? Probably. Louder? Definately! More interesting? No way!

Ruby2

Oh my yes. I always feel like I'm an acquired taste. Unsure of how I come across to other people. I was quite bossy when I was a young kid and still remember some girl telling me that she didn't like me because I was too bossy. We moved and I kind of shut down. Curled inwards and got quiet and reserved.

I too was soft spoken and seemingly aloof. But just shy and awkward. I had friends but not tons. Alcohol certainly provided social lubricant.

I still think I'm an acquired taste but since getting sober and making a conscious effort to remember to reach out to other people, I feel more at ease. Other people often feel awkward too. I try to remember that. If I find something they're interested in, it helps. One huge thing is that I'm finally figuring out that I'm OK. I don't need to be liked by everyone. I will click better with some people than others. You will probably find that to be true.

Hang in there!

Dallow

I can totally relate to this. I used alcohol to be more outgoing and I was for many years. Not that I remember even half of it...

It's hard to know who we are as sober persons. I feel self-hatred, shame and anxiety most of the time.

But I try to think of one time after a huge binge, a loved one looked me in the eyes and said "I am so happy to see you back, the real you".

Even if I am not sure who that person is, it seems she actually is more appreciated. Even if it's an odd duck I am sure it is the same for you!

GroundhogDay

You most certainly are not unlikeable. I connected with you early on given our similar attitudes towards our old jobs.

I think we all have that problem of being different on the inside than we are perceived on the outside. People consistently underestimate me, which works to my advantage, but also means I get treated poorly at times.

I think for the most part, though, people we interact with are primarily concerned about themselves and how others perceive them. So, if you just take a genuine interest in what someone is saying and provide some good feedback, information, or positive affirmation, or relate similar experiences, you will be successful in making friends and influencing people.

Upward2Enlightenment

I know for me I've always been socially awkward and often the filter between my brain and my mouth doesn't work. Also, I'm a very caring person so many people take advantage of me.
This caused me to be quite and reserved so I probably appeared stuck up.

esinger

I get it. I gave up worrying what others think. I try not to go out of my way to be unlikable but I am who I am. I think the trick is learning to like yourself.

silentrun

What the heck is going on lately? Some of my favorite SR people have expressed they feel about themselves the total opposite of how I see them. You know I think your cool.

trachemys

I like you. I certainly feel connection with you from your posts. Be easier on yourself.

sleepie

What happened to make you shy?
Did you get teased and everything?
That's what happened to me
people can be brutal
Once you've seen their worst side you're never at ease again
my defense is to try and make people laugh before they can judge me
however this often involves making very politically incorrect jokes but then I figure if they are offended I've weeded out the ones who are too uptight to acquire me as a friend or acquaintance so we are both better off
although I'm not sure I'd recommend this method to everyone

Hooped

I've always found it's best to just be yourself and eventually the right people will come to love you for all the right reasons.

Tetra

Wow Fantail, your post sounds exactly like me!
I don't have advice but I just want to tell you that I know what you're going through x

SparkleKitty

I am sure I got a lot more "likable" to others after I started to really focus on learning to like myself.

Of course, by the time I got there, I hardly cared what others thought of me.

Leshar

I understand, I feel the same. But I love your posts and you are anything but a "jerk"!

JohnQPublic

Dear Fan, I know how you feel. I often feel that others don't understand and get me but I believe that this is probably more in my own head and a perception of myself than is a reality. Maybe it is the same for you, could this feeling be coming from inside and you are projecting it from outside? Best wishes, John

Anna

Fantail, it could be that you're just getting used to being yourself. My first year of recovery was like that and I questioned myself many times. Finally, I decided that I needed to find peace in my life and to do that I had to be myself. I was no longer willing to play a role or be who someone wanted me to be.

Take your time getting used to yourself and I think your confidence will increase greatly.

oldsoul1122

I've been this way my whole life. The way I think about myself just makes matters worse because I give off bad vibes and get treated the way I believe. I'm an introvert with an INFJ on the Meyers Briggs scale in less than 1% of the population, not helping! In AA sober 6 months I've made no friends and appear to be invisible despite efforts to join in. I almost always feel worse after a meeting. It's difficult to speak when called on. After reading your post I've decided to "lie" to myself with positive thoughts like "people like me, I fit in, I belong here, I have a great personality, etc. Maybe that will work for you as well.

SillyHuman

A lot of what people describe on this thread sounds like social anxiety. I have it too. Always have.