I Can't Live with My Self
 

Recently I had disappeared while off on a crack binge for a week. Meanwhile I have two wonderful children and a great husband at home worried sick. Never called or let them know where I was. Sold my wedding ring, items from the house. A ring that was just bought to show the trust, commitment, faith, and respect that I had tried so hard to earn. This isn't the first time, I did the same thing and was gone three days just two years before this and gone two days a year before that. CRAZY The last four years I had left two other times having two years sober before I left this time. In those two years I never thought about crack never wanted it and I have no clue what happened. I was happier then I have been in years. Why would I choose to use crack? Why would I choose to destroy my world. I promised, I swore I would never do something like this again and here I am. I know I deserve everything that is coming my way. I know how horrible this is and how bad I hurt the ones who love me. I'm on my way to inpatient as soon as I get the call. I had set it up after my use and before I came home. I never thought you couldn't just get in treatment. I've been getting the run around about my insurance for a week now. Friday or Monday they say. I lost my husband. We talked about this a lot. I knew if this ever happened it was over. Never again would he trust me believe in me. Nor should he. He shouldn't have to hurt another second. I hurt everyone. I truly feel like I can't live with myself. How could I do this? I would never do this. I did do it. I can't even believe it. I don't have friends or family. I had my husband and kids. I didn't deserve what I had. THis last week my last week here with my family I spent it up, down, crying, screaming in agony, yelling at myself acting like a total crazy person.. Just nuts. I feel like rehab is life or death. I feel I could never live without them. How selfish I know. I don't even want to. Everything I ever wanted and dreamt of is GONE. I will never ever forgive myself for this. I blew my whole life right out that crack pipe.I wanted to run so bad just to stop from hurting. I can't get past this. I can't live knowing I lost my family for some crack. After the first day I was gone I knew life as I known it was over. So so disgusted with myself.So much shame. I know what anyone would think and so do I. "I did this to myself." "My family deserves so much better. "I'm just truly broken and I can't see tomorrow. I don't want to. "SELFISH" :headbange

I'm sorry for what brings you here BCherry - but the fact you're here must mean you want change.

You'll find a lot of support encouragement and hope here - even in our darkest hour there's a little spark of the promise of something better.

Chase that spark :)

Change really is possible - with a lot of commitment and effort - but you'ew not alone,. Not any more. Welcome aboard :)

D

I'm sorry that substance got its hooks into you and you are hurting.

You are in a tailspin, but you can pull out of it. Dee is right, change is possible.

And when change is possible, hope is reasonable. Don't abandon your hope! :grouphug:

Welcome Bcherry

Change is possible
Go to in-patient and give it everything you've got.
There is a beautiful eternal core of you that can still shine.

That's what you family saw, that's what we see and it is still there
but has been buried right now under the dirt of addiction.
You get to rehab and clean that dirt off and find yourself.

Your life isn't over--it's just beginning
but getting there is up to you bcherry.

Hi - I know what you are talking about regarding the selfishness of addiction. You can stop this cycle. Like you, I couldn't believe I kept drinking after promising never to again. Stay close here and know that inside, you want sobriety.

Welcome to the family. :) It is possible to get clean and live a better life. What kind of support do you have? You'll find lots of support here. :hug:

Crack is a monster, and it makes us do monstrous things. Don't make it worse by letting the despair over your actions justify continued use. Get back to recovery. While you are waiting for rehab, get yourself to an NA meeting. Do whatever it takes to beat this and show your family that since you haven't given up on yourself, neither should they.

Bcherry.... I am a recovering crack head. I have been on binges. I have paid the rent of my dealer with credit checks. I have been at the end of my rope.

The darkness you feel right now is not real. I promise you. Please stop smoking and you will see. The darkness lifts after a few days. Check yourself in somewhere so you can get stopped. The emended feeling of doom and of need for another is too much to handle alone sometimes.

Know this is not you. You would never hurt people intentionally. I never planned it either. This is only the crack talking.

The darkness is not real. Again I promise you.

Please seek help with medical professionals. You can stop again.

Ken

Hello,

I am sorry you are having such a rough time, but it sounds like inpatient is going to be a good place for you to begin recovery. You will also find lots of support on this site, keep reading and posting.

:-)

I think Weasel made it clear, but I want to reiterate an important point - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

It probably feels like you are. All of the other people in your life are from planet Earth, and you are from planet I-Let-Crack-Ruin-Me.

There are other people from that planet. They go to NA meetings. Go find them. They speak your language. They are your tribe. Seek them out.

You are not alone. Don't isolate. Go find your tribe.

You can do this. :ring

I'm very sorry for the pain you are feeling.

There is always hope and you can make the changes you need to live a good life.