SweatyHands

So, I am at day 18 after my foolish, but probably necessary relapse. I say probably necessary because my first go at this was prompted by going in to detox at death's door. I technically had a choice, but my other option was a darned poor one. I also spent at least two years scoffing at the suggestion that many people have a relapse, and it's perfectly normal. Then came the day when I needed to know what would happen if I took that first drink. Well, we all know what happens when that first drink goes down the hatch. Everything is fine and dandy until the first drink is over. Then the whole focus of my existence becomes "How do I get the second drink?!?" But, in stumbling through this relapse for about five months, I was forced to face the fact that I never addressed any of the underlying problems in my life the first time I was sober. In fact, I wasn't really sober--I was just channeling my dysfunction and self destruction into other, less boozy avenues.

Now that I made the decision to give up the drink before my health deteriorated or I caused a catastrophe, I realized that this graduate program that I'm in right now is "the thing." It's the thing that I can't do if I'm drinking. It's the thing that is allowing me to use my life's experience at the bottom of a bottle to help other people who are suffering. It's the thing that made me pick up the shovel and start digging for what I have been trying to push away all of these years. It's the thing that the sober me has, and the drunk me could never have. The drunk me would not have even touched it, because he knew that he wasn't good enough to have it without ruining it. The drunk me would have found a way to sabotage it so that he didn't have to face failing at it. And now I have it, and I'm not failing at it. And I can look at that sad, tired old drunk me and give him one last hug and put him to bed for good. I don't need him to protect me from anything anymore. All of the monsters in the corners were just my shadows.

It feels good to not be carrying that guy around anymore. I can walk a heck of a lot farther in one day without him on my back.

Dee74

I really hope you did learn something and can move on from here, not looking back again, Sweaty Hands

SweatyHands

Thanks Dee. First thing I learned? I am powerless against alcohol.

Nonsensical

That post was hardly arbitrary. Great stuff. Congrats on 18 days and your self-realization!

SweatyHands

I called it arbitrary because I posted it on 18 days, instead of some benchmark, like 30 days.

Findingtheway

In my experience EVERY day sober is a benchmark.

18 days is an accomplishment. Don't understate yourself.

You should be PROUD you have 18 sober days. 18, 30, etc...They are just numbers in the big picture.

All we have to do is stay sober TODAY. You've proven you can do that.

SweatyHands

I have just entered into the stage of my sobriety where the physical withdrawals are long gone, the euphoria of feeling great and sober is gone, and now I just have a dull fuzziness in my head and I want to sleep all of the time. This happened last time at right around three weeks. It's annoying, but I feel grateful that I don't have any symptoms that make the prospect of picking up a drink look attractive. I had coffee with one of my long-time sober friends today to chat about where I am right now, and his response was: "That's your brain paying you back for poisoning it for the last five months." Sounds reasonable enough. It makes sense that my brain would be a vindictive jerk. But, joking aside, I am still able to see through this groggy haze, that I am putting my life together. I'm not sure that I've ever felt that way before, even when I had 3+ years of sobriety under my belt. So, here's to another three weeks of dealing with my life instead of white-knuckling it past the liquor store.