I now know what 'floundering' means...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: bradford, england
Posts: 110
I now know what 'floundering' means...
I want to say right now that some of what I say may seem controversial, but it's my actual life, okay? It's my life, I am the one consciously present during every second of it and I have my (sometimes warped) reasons for feeling the way(s) that I do. Please be kind. I am only trying to reach out and see if anyone else knows of this existence I find myself in.
I have been drinking for many years now. Won't bore you with the story etc, but I need to tell someone what is going on right now as I am in a real struggle with myself here.
I have always had a drinking routine in place, not something I put into place for whatever reason; simply a routine that established itself and I never felt the need to rebel against it...until now. I have only ever drank during the night when the kids are safely in bed etc, I would get drunk every single night but feel no after effects or real regret over it as there has never been any embarrassing behaviour/blackouts etc. So I have (pretty much) happily carried on in that fashion for a decade.
About 4 months ago, me and my small family took a holiday to visit more family. I was desperate to lose some weight before the trip but you know what drinking is like when it comes to the figure. I ended up starving myself for the 14 days before the trip (as in, I literally ate not a thing, only drank low cal tea), however I continued drinking every night, naturally (I can give up food, but apparently not booze!).
I lost a good amount of weight and went on holiday happy. Now, I would like to point out that a holiday (rare in itself-it amounts to all of 20 days in the past decade) is the only time I go without drinking....early mornings, change of scene, too busy having fun...who needs beer, eh? I set out in the same frame of mind this time and drinking didn't cross my mind. But then 3 nights into our trip while grocery shopping, my partner asked if I wanted any beer. I obviously immediately said no-why ask that?! But he had planted a seed in my mind and it wouldn't go away after that; it is possible to drink while on holiday too! Whoop! So I bought beer and drank, but couldn't manage to get drunk for some reason. I continued trying nonetheless.
Here is the problem; since either the extreme 'diet' or the holiday, I am unsure which, my drinking has changed immensely. I used to have strict time limits; now I regularly drink until 5 AM (remember I have young kids-they tend to look after themselves now, to my utter shame and guilt). I used to know when to stop but now don't. I used to feel sadness occasionally but now I feel desperately unhappy almost constantly. I cut my arms as a teenager and in my early 20's, I haven't felt the need to do it for years. But I have recently begun again, and a fair bit more viciously than before. I have attempted to take an overdose. I am getting much less sleep than before. I didn't sleep on Sunday night at all, I got 7 hours on Monday and didn't sleep again last night.
I found a lump under my armpit a few months ago which still hasn't cleared up; strangely I am not afraid of whether it is the dreaded C or the possibility of dying, but rather I am afraid of how I may die; will it be slow, agonising and painful? Will my loved ones see me suffer? These are the things that bother me. Here's the thing to consider: it's a massive relief in a way as I am afraid of ageing (always have been, don't ask me as it makes absolutely no sense at all), I always said I would die before I hit 30 (I am now 27). It feels utterly ridiculous to type that, as if I read that somewhere, I wouldn't even know how to react to such a self-centred little cretin who sees 27 as old! But I do for myself; not others, only myself. I am almost happy at the thought that this will be a 'natural' (ha ha, yeah right!) thing rather than having the responsibility of my death, myself.
I feel like ****. I recognise I am incredibly unhappy and a big part of that (but certainly not all) is due to my drinking, but facing life without it is such a tough thing. Another good point here: by this, I do not mean life and life's problems or my worries or pains from the past; I mean life, in and of itself. Because I don't want to live. This is not a suicidal thing, but rather a thing I have always known--I simply wouldn't see 30, I didn't and still don't want to see 30, nothing to discuss. So life without alcohol, when it is literally the only thing keeping me living at times (knowing that it's bound to kill me eventually and if not before 30 then I will take on the job myself) is just too much to bear. It will be me accepting life. People stop drinking because they want to recover and live for many more years; I want the exact opposite, I want death as soon as possible-drinking helps with that goal.
The real problem here is what the Hell to do about this situation. What do you do when you don't want to recover, as selfish as that may sound? Do I continue in a desperate, pain filled life for a short while, happy in the knowledge that this will soon all be over? Do I attempt to recover enough to enjoy my last couple of years with my loved ones, relying solely on the hope that death will take me in the time frame I have oh so generously appointed myself? Or do I recover and do the deed myself if the time draws close? What do I do? I know what I want to do, and that is to simply carry on the way I have so far, while making a considerable effort to thoroughly make the time count.
I find every night now that I wonder if I will wake in the morning. Not an unhappy though I must say, but then it's not me left behind is it?
I am looking down the barrel of the gun now. The battle of should I/shouldn't I, do I/don't I is beginning. And the very worst thing is that even though I have so much and so many to live for, I find that I simply do not care for the battle. Life can go screw itself, I want to be done.
And now of course I hate myself, as I rightly should. I am clearly not a good human being since I have no survival instinct to speak of, but so much worse, I am clearly a terrible mother. How could I ever put myself before my children? But surely they would be better off?
I just don't know. I know what I want. I know the right thing to do is the direct opposite of what I have wanted, craved, yearned for, for all of my life. I have looked forward to dying for so many years. How can I give that up? Aren't we all slowly dying anyway? Why put it off?
This is not a numerical or aesthetic problem, you understand. I don't look at anyone under 100 and imagine for a second that they are/look 'old'. I don't feel that way about myself either, I simply feel life goes on for far too long and I can't face the prospect of the decades of years ahead I may face.
So, yes, I now know what 'floundering' is. I have found out that 'floundering' can be very extreme indeed; it is not the slight arm waving that it sounds to be, but rather a fully-fledged terror, a 'scream' moment that never ends, an overwhelming urge to rip the skin from your own bones, the emotions are too raw and unstable and overpowering and intense, you are afraid of high places; not due to vertigo or fear of falling, but due to you not trusting yourself not to throw yourself over the edge, being afraid of leaving the house alone for fear of jumping under a bus and simply never returning, the horrifying fact that this will never end because life drags on ceaselessly, that you will never be a normal person even without the booze because how can you live when your worst fear is living? How can you age when your worst fear is ageing?
And I believe I have now clearly defined a whole new level of 'floundering'. A terrifying level that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
So, back to my question: what do I do?
(Again, please be kind.)
I have been drinking for many years now. Won't bore you with the story etc, but I need to tell someone what is going on right now as I am in a real struggle with myself here.
I have always had a drinking routine in place, not something I put into place for whatever reason; simply a routine that established itself and I never felt the need to rebel against it...until now. I have only ever drank during the night when the kids are safely in bed etc, I would get drunk every single night but feel no after effects or real regret over it as there has never been any embarrassing behaviour/blackouts etc. So I have (pretty much) happily carried on in that fashion for a decade.
About 4 months ago, me and my small family took a holiday to visit more family. I was desperate to lose some weight before the trip but you know what drinking is like when it comes to the figure. I ended up starving myself for the 14 days before the trip (as in, I literally ate not a thing, only drank low cal tea), however I continued drinking every night, naturally (I can give up food, but apparently not booze!).
I lost a good amount of weight and went on holiday happy. Now, I would like to point out that a holiday (rare in itself-it amounts to all of 20 days in the past decade) is the only time I go without drinking....early mornings, change of scene, too busy having fun...who needs beer, eh? I set out in the same frame of mind this time and drinking didn't cross my mind. But then 3 nights into our trip while grocery shopping, my partner asked if I wanted any beer. I obviously immediately said no-why ask that?! But he had planted a seed in my mind and it wouldn't go away after that; it is possible to drink while on holiday too! Whoop! So I bought beer and drank, but couldn't manage to get drunk for some reason. I continued trying nonetheless.
Here is the problem; since either the extreme 'diet' or the holiday, I am unsure which, my drinking has changed immensely. I used to have strict time limits; now I regularly drink until 5 AM (remember I have young kids-they tend to look after themselves now, to my utter shame and guilt). I used to know when to stop but now don't. I used to feel sadness occasionally but now I feel desperately unhappy almost constantly. I cut my arms as a teenager and in my early 20's, I haven't felt the need to do it for years. But I have recently begun again, and a fair bit more viciously than before. I have attempted to take an overdose. I am getting much less sleep than before. I didn't sleep on Sunday night at all, I got 7 hours on Monday and didn't sleep again last night.
I found a lump under my armpit a few months ago which still hasn't cleared up; strangely I am not afraid of whether it is the dreaded C or the possibility of dying, but rather I am afraid of how I may die; will it be slow, agonising and painful? Will my loved ones see me suffer? These are the things that bother me. Here's the thing to consider: it's a massive relief in a way as I am afraid of ageing (always have been, don't ask me as it makes absolutely no sense at all), I always said I would die before I hit 30 (I am now 27). It feels utterly ridiculous to type that, as if I read that somewhere, I wouldn't even know how to react to such a self-centred little cretin who sees 27 as old! But I do for myself; not others, only myself. I am almost happy at the thought that this will be a 'natural' (ha ha, yeah right!) thing rather than having the responsibility of my death, myself.
I feel like ****. I recognise I am incredibly unhappy and a big part of that (but certainly not all) is due to my drinking, but facing life without it is such a tough thing. Another good point here: by this, I do not mean life and life's problems or my worries or pains from the past; I mean life, in and of itself. Because I don't want to live. This is not a suicidal thing, but rather a thing I have always known--I simply wouldn't see 30, I didn't and still don't want to see 30, nothing to discuss. So life without alcohol, when it is literally the only thing keeping me living at times (knowing that it's bound to kill me eventually and if not before 30 then I will take on the job myself) is just too much to bear. It will be me accepting life. People stop drinking because they want to recover and live for many more years; I want the exact opposite, I want death as soon as possible-drinking helps with that goal.
The real problem here is what the Hell to do about this situation. What do you do when you don't want to recover, as selfish as that may sound? Do I continue in a desperate, pain filled life for a short while, happy in the knowledge that this will soon all be over? Do I attempt to recover enough to enjoy my last couple of years with my loved ones, relying solely on the hope that death will take me in the time frame I have oh so generously appointed myself? Or do I recover and do the deed myself if the time draws close? What do I do? I know what I want to do, and that is to simply carry on the way I have so far, while making a considerable effort to thoroughly make the time count.
I find every night now that I wonder if I will wake in the morning. Not an unhappy though I must say, but then it's not me left behind is it?
I am looking down the barrel of the gun now. The battle of should I/shouldn't I, do I/don't I is beginning. And the very worst thing is that even though I have so much and so many to live for, I find that I simply do not care for the battle. Life can go screw itself, I want to be done.
And now of course I hate myself, as I rightly should. I am clearly not a good human being since I have no survival instinct to speak of, but so much worse, I am clearly a terrible mother. How could I ever put myself before my children? But surely they would be better off?
I just don't know. I know what I want. I know the right thing to do is the direct opposite of what I have wanted, craved, yearned for, for all of my life. I have looked forward to dying for so many years. How can I give that up? Aren't we all slowly dying anyway? Why put it off?
This is not a numerical or aesthetic problem, you understand. I don't look at anyone under 100 and imagine for a second that they are/look 'old'. I don't feel that way about myself either, I simply feel life goes on for far too long and I can't face the prospect of the decades of years ahead I may face.
So, yes, I now know what 'floundering' is. I have found out that 'floundering' can be very extreme indeed; it is not the slight arm waving that it sounds to be, but rather a fully-fledged terror, a 'scream' moment that never ends, an overwhelming urge to rip the skin from your own bones, the emotions are too raw and unstable and overpowering and intense, you are afraid of high places; not due to vertigo or fear of falling, but due to you not trusting yourself not to throw yourself over the edge, being afraid of leaving the house alone for fear of jumping under a bus and simply never returning, the horrifying fact that this will never end because life drags on ceaselessly, that you will never be a normal person even without the booze because how can you live when your worst fear is living? How can you age when your worst fear is ageing?
And I believe I have now clearly defined a whole new level of 'floundering'. A terrifying level that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
So, back to my question: what do I do?
(Again, please be kind.)
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for the pain you are in. I have had moments where I felt life was not worth living. I was wrong.
If it's depression, or mental health, see a psychiatrist.
If it's despair, maybe a priest.
Originally Posted by smadams11 
what do I do?
If it's despair, maybe a priest.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Hi smadams
I believe alcoholism is progressive - not only do we lose more and more control over how much we drink and when, but it also changes us mentally - it leads us to despair and depression.
It's not normal for a 27yo mother to want to die. It's just not.
I really think you need to see your Dr - be honest about your drinking habits....and the thoughts you've been having...get that lump checked too.
There is help out there...reach out forit & get the real you back again
D
I believe alcoholism is progressive - not only do we lose more and more control over how much we drink and when, but it also changes us mentally - it leads us to despair and depression.
It's not normal for a 27yo mother to want to die. It's just not.
I really think you need to see your Dr - be honest about your drinking habits....and the thoughts you've been having...get that lump checked too.
There is help out there...reach out forit & get the real you back again
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 292
Smadams,
I'm not even going to pretend that I understand or appreciate what you're going through or the pain that you're in. I'm sincerely sorry for the trouble you find yourself in. I think the solutions to your problems are far beyond what anyone on this forum could formulate. I suppose in your position I would look forward to at least seeing my children grow up and become adults and have children of their own? I also know that I would have been crushed if I had lost my Mom at a relatively young age, particularly if it were completely avoidable.
In any event, if I were you, I would seek the help/advice of a skilled professional, that may better understand what may be driving your feelings and could help you understand them and help you develop some coping strategies. Kindest wishes to you.
I'm not even going to pretend that I understand or appreciate what you're going through or the pain that you're in. I'm sincerely sorry for the trouble you find yourself in. I think the solutions to your problems are far beyond what anyone on this forum could formulate. I suppose in your position I would look forward to at least seeing my children grow up and become adults and have children of their own? I also know that I would have been crushed if I had lost my Mom at a relatively young age, particularly if it were completely avoidable.
In any event, if I were you, I would seek the help/advice of a skilled professional, that may better understand what may be driving your feelings and could help you understand them and help you develop some coping strategies. Kindest wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Thank you for the thoughtful post. You are an excellent writer.
You wrote, "I want death as soon as possible-drinking helps with that goal". And, while I don't mean to sound unkind, that is not normal thinking. Even though you explain your feelings in a very logical, matter-of-fact way, it is not a reasoned, rational conclusion that you have reached. Our situation, or our depression, or our unresolved issues from the past, may trick us into believing that we want "death as soon as possible", but it is not normal.
There are thousands of us here at SR who came here, and reached out, when we realized that we were drinking ourselves to death. We reached out because we knew, deep down, that life IS worth living. By your coming here and reaching out, I am hoping that part of you believes that too.
Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.
You wrote, "I want death as soon as possible-drinking helps with that goal". And, while I don't mean to sound unkind, that is not normal thinking. Even though you explain your feelings in a very logical, matter-of-fact way, it is not a reasoned, rational conclusion that you have reached. Our situation, or our depression, or our unresolved issues from the past, may trick us into believing that we want "death as soon as possible", but it is not normal.
There are thousands of us here at SR who came here, and reached out, when we realized that we were drinking ourselves to death. We reached out because we knew, deep down, that life IS worth living. By your coming here and reaching out, I am hoping that part of you believes that too.
Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 926
Hello Smadams,
I too am sorry for the pain you are in. The way you wrote your post......I can almost feel it myself.
My fingers and toes are crossed for you and I hope you manage to find your way through this.
I have a few scars from self harm as a teenager, plenty more from a suicide attempt some years later.
Personally, I'm glad I'm still here. Try and find someone to talk to and you may eventually feel differently.
It's nice to meet you, I hope you keep posting and keep updating us.
I too am sorry for the pain you are in. The way you wrote your post......I can almost feel it myself.
My fingers and toes are crossed for you and I hope you manage to find your way through this.
I have a few scars from self harm as a teenager, plenty more from a suicide attempt some years later.
Personally, I'm glad I'm still here. Try and find someone to talk to and you may eventually feel differently.
It's nice to meet you, I hope you keep posting and keep updating us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
Rough stuff...I'm sorry you're in that place.
The good news: you posted. You are reaching out. There is a part of you that knows something is not right.
I learned a very important lesson during my journey. -drinking, depression, anxiety, etc. There is no shame in asking for help. Professional or otherwise. It's good for those who receive it. It's good for those able to give it.
Please keep reaching out.
The good news: you posted. You are reaching out. There is a part of you that knows something is not right.
I learned a very important lesson during my journey. -drinking, depression, anxiety, etc. There is no shame in asking for help. Professional or otherwise. It's good for those who receive it. It's good for those able to give it.
Please keep reaching out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
I have felt like you too... maybe not consistently or as bad... but I get the ripping flesh from my bones, scratching off my skin in despair. .. and really hoping to die.... it's not normal!
I have 2 kids too... I am older, 41, but after a particularly harrowing incident which was not true to the kind of person I want to be I decided, enough is enough. I gave up drink.
It's not easy... but it's easier than the scream fest of hatred.... it's less extreme... but it's calmer. The mist does clear.... it just does. .. and it does get better. It actually does. Honestly... not like in one second or one minute... but by increments it does....
I am going to keep on with sobriety as the self hatred was so tiring and draining. And my babies love me and need me.... they don't hate me and dint think I'm horrid and vile. They like me mostly! So there must be something. ... your babies love you too... they see the good in you, let it come out!
People on here help massively and will talk it out with you anytime. .. it has saved my life.
Best best best of luck and love x
I have 2 kids too... I am older, 41, but after a particularly harrowing incident which was not true to the kind of person I want to be I decided, enough is enough. I gave up drink.
It's not easy... but it's easier than the scream fest of hatred.... it's less extreme... but it's calmer. The mist does clear.... it just does. .. and it does get better. It actually does. Honestly... not like in one second or one minute... but by increments it does....
I am going to keep on with sobriety as the self hatred was so tiring and draining. And my babies love me and need me.... they don't hate me and dint think I'm horrid and vile. They like me mostly! So there must be something. ... your babies love you too... they see the good in you, let it come out!
People on here help massively and will talk it out with you anytime. .. it has saved my life.
Best best best of luck and love x
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Please talk to your dr about your feelings of wanting to die. It's possible that medication and/or therapy could be very helpful for you. I'm sorry that you are living with so much pain and I hope that you can get past this and enjoy your life with your children.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Smadams, I'm sorry you are living with this pain too. I fall on the side of you might need to ask for professional help. The feelings you are having are not your fault, and there are people out there that can help you.
To me, life is so much better when we aren't influenced or controlled by drinking or drugs. I never thought I would feel that way when I was drinking heavily every day.
Like Dee and others have said, alcoholism is progressive. I didn't spend my whole 2 decades drinking 24/7, but when I started drinking around the clock, it happened quickly and was relentless.
We are her for you, but sometimes it takes experienced help to really open your world up.
You deserve to be happy.
To me, life is so much better when we aren't influenced or controlled by drinking or drugs. I never thought I would feel that way when I was drinking heavily every day.
Like Dee and others have said, alcoholism is progressive. I didn't spend my whole 2 decades drinking 24/7, but when I started drinking around the clock, it happened quickly and was relentless.
We are her for you, but sometimes it takes experienced help to really open your world up.
You deserve to be happy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
Smadams, I am glad you posted here, I'm sure it wasn't easy. Please, please seek professional help. I am pleading with you on behalf of your precious children. I have seen the fallout of a child losing a parent by suicide. Their lives are never, ever the same. It's devastating to them. I agree with the others that your thinking is not normal. However the proper treatment could totally change your outlook. But you will never know until you try. Please fight for yourself and your family.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 324
If you are not eating for days at a time, your blood sugar plunges. Alcohol is fast sugar, in addition to getting you drunk. Do not let yourself get hungry.
If you have to, go inpatient at a treatment center or mental health facility. They should take you immediately. You need more help than an internet board can provide. Please take care of yourself. Your children need you more than you know.
If you have to, go inpatient at a treatment center or mental health facility. They should take you immediately. You need more help than an internet board can provide. Please take care of yourself. Your children need you more than you know.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
You are indeed an excellent writer. Many tortured souls are. Your age was a long time ago for me. I don't think I saw much point in aging at that point myself. My point of view was so very, very narrow. Alcohol is a depressant....mix that with the boozer's seemingly inherent tendency for anxiety and depression anyway and well...it's a hellishly all encompassing darkness now isn't it?
I truly believe you have something to offer...too many....if you care to stick around long enough....if you choose to "not throw in a towel" when you've barely entered the ring. Despite my issues with alcohol....the years have been a rewarding thing...at least in my head. By that I mean....it got a whole lot less dark somehow...less painful in my own skin. Unfortunately, kicking the habit I used to quell that painful darkness back then has had me by the bowels ever since.
I hope you stick around....here....and wherever you are.
I truly believe you have something to offer...too many....if you care to stick around long enough....if you choose to "not throw in a towel" when you've barely entered the ring. Despite my issues with alcohol....the years have been a rewarding thing...at least in my head. By that I mean....it got a whole lot less dark somehow...less painful in my own skin. Unfortunately, kicking the habit I used to quell that painful darkness back then has had me by the bowels ever since.
I hope you stick around....here....and wherever you are.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: irvington, ny
Posts: 30
Dear Smadam
I understand very well what you are feeling and thinking, I was like that few years ago, minus the cutting (but I was anorectic for a while)
I know what utter despair, hopelessness and shame feel like as a failed mother and spouse. I felt I was crazy, defective and simply awful.
I never thought that I could stop drinking, I could not imagine living without alcohol. And then it happened
I would like to communicate with you personally if you think it may help.
A big hug to you
I understand very well what you are feeling and thinking, I was like that few years ago, minus the cutting (but I was anorectic for a while)
I know what utter despair, hopelessness and shame feel like as a failed mother and spouse. I felt I was crazy, defective and simply awful.
I never thought that I could stop drinking, I could not imagine living without alcohol. And then it happened
I would like to communicate with you personally if you think it may help.
A big hug to you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
You need to make an appointment with your gp. What you are feeling needs to be shared with a professional. There may be a chemical in balance in your brain which, if medicated, will give you an entirely different outlook on your life. I see you home educate your children, you obviously love and care for them immensely, please make an appointment today, for your own sake and your family's. Life doesn't have to feel like this.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I wanted to add this:
"You don’t think in depression that you’ve put on a gray veil and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood. You think that the veil has been taken away, the veil of happiness, and that now you’re seeing truly. You try to pin the truth down and take it apart. And you think that truth is a fixed thing. But the truth is alive, and it runs around. You can exorcise the demons of schizophrenics who perceive that there’s something foreign inside them. But it’s much harder with depressed people, because we believe we are seeing the truth." --Andrew Solomon
Alcohol put me in the place you're describing. I wasn't going to kill myself, I didn't think, but I certainly wouldn't have minded if it happened. And yes sometimes I'd be waiting for the light to turn and just think about stepping in front of a bus.
But I didn't want to traumatize anyone, my family or even the bus driver. I nearly drank myself to death; then I combined alcohol and pills and realized that I really could die that night or any other like it. So I told my family and I went to inpatient care (or they took me there -- I wasn't doing much of anything at that point except breathing and being in pain). Not because I wanted to live so much as I knew I couldn't die.
You can't die either. You know you can't. You're not a selfish person. In your post you talk about why you can't even while you're saying you have to.
You say "alcohol is literally the only thing keeping me living at times." Alcohol is making you want to die. I know it doesn't feel that way, but you will understand when you quit that addiction is a spell you cast against yourself. Like the quote I posted above, you think you're seeing the truth of life, but you're not.
It's only been six months for me but I'm a very different person now. I'm still existentially broody and I still struggle with what meaning is and all of that. But I also appreciate life and don't want it to end. I like myself and the existential thoughts I think. I feel more like a seeker than a black hole.
Please get professional help. And make a promise to your children (without telling them of course) that you won't kill yourself as a drunk. Get sober, spend the last 3 years of your 20s sober, and then decide.
"You don’t think in depression that you’ve put on a gray veil and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood. You think that the veil has been taken away, the veil of happiness, and that now you’re seeing truly. You try to pin the truth down and take it apart. And you think that truth is a fixed thing. But the truth is alive, and it runs around. You can exorcise the demons of schizophrenics who perceive that there’s something foreign inside them. But it’s much harder with depressed people, because we believe we are seeing the truth." --Andrew Solomon
Alcohol put me in the place you're describing. I wasn't going to kill myself, I didn't think, but I certainly wouldn't have minded if it happened. And yes sometimes I'd be waiting for the light to turn and just think about stepping in front of a bus.
But I didn't want to traumatize anyone, my family or even the bus driver. I nearly drank myself to death; then I combined alcohol and pills and realized that I really could die that night or any other like it. So I told my family and I went to inpatient care (or they took me there -- I wasn't doing much of anything at that point except breathing and being in pain). Not because I wanted to live so much as I knew I couldn't die.
You can't die either. You know you can't. You're not a selfish person. In your post you talk about why you can't even while you're saying you have to.
You say "alcohol is literally the only thing keeping me living at times." Alcohol is making you want to die. I know it doesn't feel that way, but you will understand when you quit that addiction is a spell you cast against yourself. Like the quote I posted above, you think you're seeing the truth of life, but you're not.
It's only been six months for me but I'm a very different person now. I'm still existentially broody and I still struggle with what meaning is and all of that. But I also appreciate life and don't want it to end. I like myself and the existential thoughts I think. I feel more like a seeker than a black hole.
Please get professional help. And make a promise to your children (without telling them of course) that you won't kill yourself as a drunk. Get sober, spend the last 3 years of your 20s sober, and then decide.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
"Do I attempt to recover enough to enjoy my last couple of years with my loved ones, relying solely on the hope that death will take me in the time frame I have oh so generously appointed myself? Or do I recover and do the deed myself if the time draws close? What do I do? I know what I want to do, and that is to simply carry on the way I have so far, while making a considerable effort to thoroughly make the time count. "
I have been where you are. When you are that far gone it is SO HARD to see that things CAN and will get better. I'll be honest...your thinking is totally warped....I've been there and it sucks. I am positive that if you put down the booze and start making changes to have a meaningful and spiritual life your thoughts will change. You have to take ACTION to get those thoughts to change though. The AA big book says we "trudge the road to happy destiny." We can't change our feelings and our thinking and then decide to take action - it doesn't work that way. The ACTION has to come first. That is why recovery can be so HARD. If you quit drinking today you will find that over time your feelings will change and you won't want to die anymore. I'd mortgage my house on that! One thing you can do today....go to a Big Book Step Study (Hyannis Method AA) meeting. I once felt as you did and BBSS has changed my life! Hugs to you!
I have been where you are. When you are that far gone it is SO HARD to see that things CAN and will get better. I'll be honest...your thinking is totally warped....I've been there and it sucks. I am positive that if you put down the booze and start making changes to have a meaningful and spiritual life your thoughts will change. You have to take ACTION to get those thoughts to change though. The AA big book says we "trudge the road to happy destiny." We can't change our feelings and our thinking and then decide to take action - it doesn't work that way. The ACTION has to come first. That is why recovery can be so HARD. If you quit drinking today you will find that over time your feelings will change and you won't want to die anymore. I'd mortgage my house on that! One thing you can do today....go to a Big Book Step Study (Hyannis Method AA) meeting. I once felt as you did and BBSS has changed my life! Hugs to you!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
As someone else mentioned, I am not going to pretend to understand your state of mind. I agree that brilliant minds are often tortured souls, I believe you may fit into that category. My initial thought is that alcohol is just one piece of the complex puzzle that makes smadams11--the person.
That being said, somewhere inside you there is a glimmer of hope. If there was simply no hope, you would not have taken the time to sign up on this forum and spend the time to start the thread and write the post. All I have is my observation, which I have stated. Regarding how to proceed, brighter minds than myself are probably required to help you. If possible I would start with a highly regarded psychotherapist. Someone with a top notch reputation and not wanting to simply grab their prescription pad and send you on your way. There is someone deep inside you that has a lot to offer, unfortunately is seems as if its locked up and the combination to unlock it, is very complex. I wish you the very best smadams11.
That being said, somewhere inside you there is a glimmer of hope. If there was simply no hope, you would not have taken the time to sign up on this forum and spend the time to start the thread and write the post. All I have is my observation, which I have stated. Regarding how to proceed, brighter minds than myself are probably required to help you. If possible I would start with a highly regarded psychotherapist. Someone with a top notch reputation and not wanting to simply grab their prescription pad and send you on your way. There is someone deep inside you that has a lot to offer, unfortunately is seems as if its locked up and the combination to unlock it, is very complex. I wish you the very best smadams11.
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