Empath1111

Hello everyone,

What are some of your strategies for coping with shame? On my last binge it was just quite awful with so many embrassing and potentially dangerous moments. The good part of shame is that it is serving as a catalyst for change and commitment to sobriety, so in that sense, I am appreciative of that. But I fear the way I am ruminating on it at this point is not healthy or productive. How do I get out from underneath the Shame cloud and begin to feel good about myself? Just can't quite shake it and ironically that's one of the reasons why I drink is to escape uncomfortable feelings/traumas.

P.S. I am so glad for finding SR. This is immensely helpful.

ALinNS

I got through it by starting to make amends after I had a clear head and only when I thought the timing was right for the other person involved, I made a list and slowly working through it.

I also did some research, for me its important to understand feelings, here is an article I personally found helped me, it may help you a bit as well. I always keep in mind when I start to beat myself up, where is this coming from, pretty much always the AV (addictive voice) trying to get out if it's cage, it's not going to happen this time.

http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-re...and-addiction/

All the best
Andrew

Jecrois2016

I think time eventually will heal things. You can't change your past, but you can create a new future. Apologize to those you have hurt and prove with your new behavior that you have changed. It will take time for the trust to come back. Don't put your energy into reliving the past embarrassments, but channel that energy into your sobriety.

SweatyHands

The important thing to remember is that you can never undo the past. I drove myself crazy with shame and depression for years agonizing over the stupid, dangerous, irresponsible, and sometimes just plain horrible things that I did while I was drinking. After a little time with clear sober eyes, I realized that what was done was done, and all I could do was start to replace those memories with new ones of making good decisions and helping people. That is what counts for the people I love, not what I did, but what I'm doing.

Soberwolf

I sent a pm on brene brown

SoberinSyracuse

Once you're sober, and time passes, those memories will recede and become less of an obsession. I experienced this in my previous quits. Only took a few weeks, and I didn't make amends. I just started to see myself differently, and the embarrassing memories faded.

FLCamper

As others have said, as time moves along, it'll fade off.
And, I think other people forget what you did even faster than you do.

Anna

Journaling worked for me. I obsessed over the messes I had made to the point that I couldn't move on. Journaling and writing the words on paper made a difference. Maybe you could give it a try.

Dee74

I hope this doesn't sound too corny, but I dealt with my shame by not doing shameful things anymore.

My focus needs to be on today and the good deeds I can do, not on yesterday and the things I can't change.

I know that sounds easier said than done, but it really works...

if you really focus on living right today and doing good, the past will soon stop to matter so much.

D

HeartsAfire

Brene Brown was/is essential for my journey. Her thoughts on shame are brilliant and comforting beyond belief.

least

Put your energy into becoming the person you want to be. Also, I take time out of my day to express my gratitude. Being grateful for my blessings really improved my attitude.

teatreeoil007

Maybe one of the reasons some folks like dogs so much is that regardless of how foolish or ashamed we feel for whatever reasons, they love and accept us and stick by us... They certainly don't make us feel more ashamed.... Maybe you need look at yourself like your dog would...

Wastinglife

Welcome Empath, I know exactly how you feel. When my drinking began to cause problems I had a very rough time with guilt and shame. I did things unimaginable to me while sober. Many public embarrassments in front of friends, family, girlfriends, strangers etc...

Then there is the damage I caused to my own life. Arrests, job loss, bankruptcy...the guilt and shame is so intense that it is the number trigger for relapse.

InTheEnd

For me, it's fading. I still cringe sometimes when I think about some things, but the big dark cloud that was constantly over my head is gone.

Empath1111

I just want to say thank you to everyone for responding to this because throughout the day as I chatted with people in the Chat room and read your posts, I feel so much lighter already. Tomorrow will be day 2 and I feel grateful to have your support. I feel a sense of hope and I'm going to just take things lightly and simply day by day and learn to be kinder to myself.

teatreeoil007

I like it! Light and simple and kind.

Zebra1275

I've learned to get much better at living my life "one day at a time."

By focusing on today, I don't dwell on my past mistakes which can bring on regret and shame. And I don't like how those emotions make me feel, and that's dangerous because as an alcoholic I know that I can change my feeling in about 10 minutes by drinking a couple of beers. I know where that leads and it's not good.

Having anxiety and worry about the future are also uncomfortable feelings. And I also know that I can numb those feelings with a couple of beers, which again is a bad thing.

Living my life in 24 hour segments helps me avoid both of those extremes. And it seems to keep me sober too! This website, and the program of AA help me figure out how to do that.

PurpleKnight

For me the more distance and time I put between my old life and the new life I was striving to create did wonders.

It's almost like finishing one chapter and writing a new one, time is a great healer!!

shortstop81

As posters before me have said far more eloquently, time was essential for me to heal my feelings of shame.

After each binge the feelings of shame/guilt were like an avalanche, and at the time I would see no way to dig myself out. The anxiety over it was overwhelming. But time and distance always offered me perspective on myself and the situations that would ease my anxiety and help me realize that whatever happened wasn't the end of the world.

Again, we have no control over our past. Dwelling over it keeps us from moving forward and becoming the person whom we want to be.

InTheEnd

Thx! Looked her up and love her and what she has to say.