Disappointed in myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Disappointed in myself
Well I messed up. Stupid me. Anxiety ridden, heart pounding, feeling of misery. Why did I do it? Stupid me. I had a good amount of time racked up and I guess I just got sloppy and complacent and then I saw everyone else drinking, so I did too. Im not at all happy with myself, I can see the disappointment in my wife... damnit
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Hi, Jryan!
Relapses are sooooo easy to fall into! Been there, done that!!!!
Mine happened because I didn't have a solid, detailed plan about how to handle things like starting to feel too confident, imagining I was "cured," being around others who were drinking.
So, might you think of this incident as a useful diagnostic and an opportunity to improve your plan? You see now a couple things you must guard against -- complacency, and seeing others drink.
Tell us how you can improve your plan.
Relapses are sooooo easy to fall into! Been there, done that!!!!
Mine happened because I didn't have a solid, detailed plan about how to handle things like starting to feel too confident, imagining I was "cured," being around others who were drinking.
So, might you think of this incident as a useful diagnostic and an opportunity to improve your plan? You see now a couple things you must guard against -- complacency, and seeing others drink.
Tell us how you can improve your plan.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Draw a line under it Jryan, don't beat yourself up and get back to your Sobreity.
You haven't lost everything you've learnt during your Sober time, just tweak a few things moving forward!!
You can do this!!
You haven't lost everything you've learnt during your Sober time, just tweak a few things moving forward!!
You can do this!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hey. Stuff like that happens but like PK said, you can use it as a learning tool to move forward. One of those things mothers supposedly say to their kids "just because your friends all jumped off the bridge, doesn't mean you have to too." Just because everyone else is drinking, we don't have to. And we shouldn't.
I'm sorry you drank. Put it behind you and keep going.
I'm sorry you drank. Put it behind you and keep going.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Welcome, I had a relapse in November and it is very simply why it happened, I had put a plan on the shelf that I had developed three years ago in treatment and I was over confident, just one will be fine right? I didn't play the tape through, I know from my own experience where it leads to so for me one is too many and a 24 is never enough, I have to be mindful of that fact for the rest of my life.
But when we relapse, that was the past, today is what matters and the future, stick to a plan that works for you, I know in my case it will only work if I work it.
All the best
Andrew
But when we relapse, that was the past, today is what matters and the future, stick to a plan that works for you, I know in my case it will only work if I work it.
All the best
Andrew
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Yes, the insidious insanity of an alcoholic picking up that first drink. Thanks for the painful reminder - I did it many times until I realized I'd be fine as long as I did not pick up that first drink.........
Glad you posted
Glad you posted
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Jryan do me a favor please print out this thread and put it in your wallet as a safe reminder of exactly what happens when alcoholics decide to drink its precisely why I will never drink again id rather die first that's how serious it is
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Thanks for the feedback. I remember my mom would say to me that she wasnt mad she was disappointed when i really messed up... and being disappointed is sometimes so much worse. I made a stupid decision...
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Originally Posted by jryan19982 
Thanks for the feedback. I remember my mom would say to me that she wasnt mad she was disappointed when i really messed up... and being disappointed is sometimes so much worse. I made a stupid decision...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by ALinNS
Perhaps, keep this in mind for what it's worth, my addictive voice will do anything to get me to pick up and yes disappointment happens to be one of the many tools it uses. I was aware of that after my last relapse, I decided to combat it by coming to the forums and sharing my story, and used every resource I could get my hands on. It happened but that is in the past, we control today, sometimes a painful reminder is but one piece to keep us sober.
I stopped writing down my thoughts and encouragement to keep sober. I stopped reading my old thoughts. And i stopped AVRT that day i drank. It just sucks. I feel like i let down myself, my family and especially all of you who had given me all the support i needed when i needed it. Sorry guys.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Originally Posted by jryan19982
I I feel like i let down myself, my family and especially all of you who had given me all the support i needed when i needed it. Sorry guys.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
I am on day three today after periods of on and off sobriety over the past several years. It is easy to beat yourself up about the past, but all it does is make you feel worse. I am working mindfulness into my plan and staying focused on the here and now. I am trying this with every aspect of my life. I'll let you know how it goes!
Glad you are back:-)
Glad you are back:-)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Welcome back Jryan
not to beat you up at all, but this is not the first time this has happened - I think you need a better recovery plan, man.
Any ideas on what you could add to what you've been doing?
D
not to beat you up at all, but this is not the first time this has happened - I think you need a better recovery plan, man.
Any ideas on what you could add to what you've been doing?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Jryan, the main thing is to learn from this. What specifically caused the relapse and past relapses? If you are you in places where alcohol is available or with people who are drinking maybe you need to rethink your recovery plan and allow more time before doing something like that. Make this a learning experience and move on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Dee74
Welcome back Jryan
not to beat you up at all, but this is not the first time this has happened - I think you need a better recovery plan, man.
Any ideas on what you could add to what you've been doing?
D
not to beat you up at all, but this is not the first time this has happened - I think you need a better recovery plan, man.
Any ideas on what you could add to what you've been doing?
D
Doing much better last few days.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
I am sorry to hear about your relapse, jryan.
Welcome back.
It is said that relapses occur long before we pick up the drink. Try to examine the thought processes that led up to the relapses to identify when your resolve began to waiver; maybe spend some time examining the triggering situation and set a plan in motion to avoid those situations.
I agree with Dee that your plan may need some tweaking or additions.
There are some great links that I will find and post in a minute for you regarding recovery plans.
Welcome back.
It is said that relapses occur long before we pick up the drink. Try to examine the thought processes that led up to the relapses to identify when your resolve began to waiver; maybe spend some time examining the triggering situation and set a plan in motion to avoid those situations.
I agree with Dee that your plan may need some tweaking or additions.
There are some great links that I will find and post in a minute for you regarding recovery plans.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
My only plan when I quit was to plan to not drink. I read about AVRT and the things I picked up from it resonated with me . I was in a place where I felt I was serious , this time(meaning then) , to make a real run at quitting. To be honest I had felt the same way in the past and went back to drinking , so my confidence wasn't initailly 'ironclad', but I decided I'd give it(quitting) a go and at least try and not half- ass it and let the chips fall where they may. So I took on the motto "I will never drink again , and I will not change my mind" and went from there, and then started learning through the experience of ending the addiction.
In the first two weeks of quitting I went on a vacation, the same very adult vacation I had been on before. The kind that pretty much revolve around cocktails in the afternoon through late night drinking, spinkled in with the morning beach beers and bloody maries. I always loved and looked forward those trips ,obviously, because drinking is not just expected but almost required.
I mostly drank alone ,at home, and late into the night when the family was in bed .But trips like these were 'fun' because I could drink all day and everyone else did too , the comraderie was a bonus.
I think planning on going was partly playing into the idea of setting up a failure of 'quit', who would blame me ? It was too early , too tempting and I (and my AV) knew I could manipulate my wife into accepting the idea that I could just decide again to 'quit for good' when we got back.
Somehow I stayed resolved from one day to the next , it was torture sometimes minute by minute because I knew I could fail and 'get away with it', so why not?! I remember one meal barely being able to focus on eating because I was having raging debates in my head , about three every nanosecond, as to whether or not call the waitress over and just order a damn bourbon already. But I didn't ,and other than my AV no one could be more surprised, every time in the past I was in that situation I just called the waitress over and let the chips fall where they may, countless times.
The line in post that made me think of all this was.".I saw everyone else drinking, so I did too". I know that line of reasoning and used it all the time to justify the choice to drink , tempering the idea in my head with some "just tonight" "not gonna go crazy" ect ect. At the moment of making those choices it felt like the drinking was so important , that not drinking at that moment would mean giving up so much, what that ' so much' was is hard to articulate but it feels like giving up a lot , as if the next few hours with alcohol would be worth any price and all rational calculations of the real damage are too quickly and easily brushed aside.
That was the learning part for me , that feeling of loss, what felt like such a tremendous loss, if I chose not to drink. It made me look at that perceived loss , really look at it and examine it from all angles and try and see if I could pin point where it was coming from. Intellectually I could understand that not drinking would only 'rob' me of a few hours of drunkeness and all the associated negative consequences going forward. But that feeling, that intense desire, the wanting to throw away the rational undertanding and go for the few hours of indulging proved to be almost inescapable in the past, I still remember that feeling. That was the raw AV, the addiction itself, the blinding desire, the spark that pushes toward the choice to drink and open the floodgates to all the rest.
That is the spark that needs to be dismissed, choked out , it's not the fire. I build the fire by adding fuel to spark. When I do nothing more than notice or contemplate the spark it fizzles and spurters a little ,maybe even brightly, but it will die out without being fed the fuel.
My AV has significantly died down, the sparks are less frequent and have , thankfully, a more lackluster appeal because every time (every) since deciding to quit and not change my mind , I have resolved to no longer throw out the rational evaluation of what giving into the temptation would mean. The choice to drink , even for 'just that night' are simply not worth that look in wife's eye even just one more time, ever.
You messed up, but you are not stupid, you just need to choke the addiction out completely, rootin for ya, put your AV on notice, the sparks may pop up but they will not burn as bright. After time I am able and comfortable with seeing 'everyone ' drink , doesn't start the sparkler , I rarely notice and it's almost odd to say that now, because 'then' I would not have believed it
In the first two weeks of quitting I went on a vacation, the same very adult vacation I had been on before. The kind that pretty much revolve around cocktails in the afternoon through late night drinking, spinkled in with the morning beach beers and bloody maries. I always loved and looked forward those trips ,obviously, because drinking is not just expected but almost required.
I mostly drank alone ,at home, and late into the night when the family was in bed .But trips like these were 'fun' because I could drink all day and everyone else did too , the comraderie was a bonus.
I think planning on going was partly playing into the idea of setting up a failure of 'quit', who would blame me ? It was too early , too tempting and I (and my AV) knew I could manipulate my wife into accepting the idea that I could just decide again to 'quit for good' when we got back.
Somehow I stayed resolved from one day to the next , it was torture sometimes minute by minute because I knew I could fail and 'get away with it', so why not?! I remember one meal barely being able to focus on eating because I was having raging debates in my head , about three every nanosecond, as to whether or not call the waitress over and just order a damn bourbon already. But I didn't ,and other than my AV no one could be more surprised, every time in the past I was in that situation I just called the waitress over and let the chips fall where they may, countless times.
The line in post that made me think of all this was.".I saw everyone else drinking, so I did too". I know that line of reasoning and used it all the time to justify the choice to drink , tempering the idea in my head with some "just tonight" "not gonna go crazy" ect ect. At the moment of making those choices it felt like the drinking was so important , that not drinking at that moment would mean giving up so much, what that ' so much' was is hard to articulate but it feels like giving up a lot , as if the next few hours with alcohol would be worth any price and all rational calculations of the real damage are too quickly and easily brushed aside.
That was the learning part for me , that feeling of loss, what felt like such a tremendous loss, if I chose not to drink. It made me look at that perceived loss , really look at it and examine it from all angles and try and see if I could pin point where it was coming from. Intellectually I could understand that not drinking would only 'rob' me of a few hours of drunkeness and all the associated negative consequences going forward. But that feeling, that intense desire, the wanting to throw away the rational undertanding and go for the few hours of indulging proved to be almost inescapable in the past, I still remember that feeling. That was the raw AV, the addiction itself, the blinding desire, the spark that pushes toward the choice to drink and open the floodgates to all the rest.
That is the spark that needs to be dismissed, choked out , it's not the fire. I build the fire by adding fuel to spark. When I do nothing more than notice or contemplate the spark it fizzles and spurters a little ,maybe even brightly, but it will die out without being fed the fuel.
My AV has significantly died down, the sparks are less frequent and have , thankfully, a more lackluster appeal because every time (every) since deciding to quit and not change my mind , I have resolved to no longer throw out the rational evaluation of what giving into the temptation would mean. The choice to drink , even for 'just that night' are simply not worth that look in wife's eye even just one more time, ever.
You messed up, but you are not stupid, you just need to choke the addiction out completely, rootin for ya, put your AV on notice, the sparks may pop up but they will not burn as bright. After time I am able and comfortable with seeing 'everyone ' drink , doesn't start the sparkler , I rarely notice and it's almost odd to say that now, because 'then' I would not have believed it
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
So sorry to hear of your relapse jryan. I know how that feels to fail and be disappointed. Stick with us, both for yourself and for the rest of us. I really enjoy your posts, they are always thoughtful and most often really positive and inspiring. Get back at it, you can do this.
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