Jillian2563

Planned on 2016 being alcohol free. Didn't drink Jan 1 but then drank last night. Hubby is 100% supportive and wants to quit drinking too but even with the two of us, we aren't strong enough.

So here I am once again. Happy new year.

letitgo

Just reboot and be prepared.
Get rid of all the booze in your house.
Tell yourself you dont drink anymore.
Check out aa or smart recovery. You can do this. One day at a time.

JD

You can always start again. I'd recommend you quit for yourself and your hubby quits for himself. Don't tie them together. If you tie them together if one decided to drink the other most likely will too.

ReadyAtLast

JD is right. You have to quit for you and only you and not let your sobriety be dependent on anyone else. Of course, it is much easier if your husband quits too but just because he decides to drink doesn't mean you have to.

As Dee asks, so you have a plan to quit drinking?

Jillian2563

I just feel like since we are both committing to this, we could be strong for one another. This is not the case I guess. And I quit for myself, and then he slips up, I feel like I will get angry with him. ☹️

strategery

It's good to see you back. Have you thought of adding additional tools to help you stay sober (AA, outpatient or inpatient)?

Jillian2563

But shouldn't it be easier if we do this together? As for a plan, haven't written/thought it out yet. We've been too busy trying to make money and helping my sister move, on our time off. Which is another reason I haven't been here too.

JD

Why would you get angry with him? You're doing this for yourself. What he does is his issue. That's the mind set you need, you need to be selfish and focus on what you need to be successful. Especially in early sobriety. There's a saying "you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't fix it". That's how you have to think about your hubbys drinking. In other words, focus on yourself and not your hubby.

Jillian2563

I guess I just don't understand this thinking. We are both committing to not drinking and are trying to support each other. He didn't come home drinking yesterday, we had no beer, but we ran an errand together and we just stopped to get gas and well I told him to get beer. So it's my fault, no his.

I just would think that we could do this better together as we have the same goals for the future. I feel like being selfish is not an option. My husband and I are a team, we are united.

JD

His drinking is not your fault. He chose to drink. You didn't hold a gun to his head.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Jillian!!

Therein lies the answer, a collective effort means you rise and fall collectively, whereas if there is only "I" and "me" rather than "us" he wouldn't potentially have gone along with the idea, and the next time he suggests something similar, you'll be in a better position to say no.

But aside from all that it's great to have you back on SR, the problem I found was that my own strength, intentions, hoping and wishing wasn't enough, I needed support, something to keep me focused on the task at hand!!

You can do this Jillian!!

Jillian2563

No but my drinking is my fault. And if I had said "go grab some cokes" he wouldn't have drank.

I don't know. All I do know, is that we both want to quit.

SoberinSyracuse

You're not being selfish by making your sobriety noncontingent on his. In fact, it's the best thing you can do...for both of you!

Otherwise, each of you might use the other one's slips as a "hall pass" to drink.

Hope that doesn't sound bad. That's jut been my personal experience in trying to form sobriety pacts with others. I'd be white-knuckling it and depending on them for support and then they'd slip. And then, because I was leaning on them, I'd lose it as well.

ReadyAtLast

The problem with 'doing it together' is that you have no control over our husband. If he chooses to drink that is his business, not yours.

Problems arise with sobriety pacts - imagine you're both sober a month then your husband says he is going to drink.What do you do? You're in it together right so you drink too? You're supporting him so is it easier to just join him?

All you can do is focus on yourself. Of course it is easier if you both quit but you can only focus on you. You have to put yourself first and independent of anyone else.

Yes you are a team and united but you are still independent individuals in your own right with thought processes and decision making abilities independent of each other. He may decide to drink and there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is focus on yourself.

SoberinSyracuse

P.S. You haven't failed until you stop trying. You may be down a few runs in the first inning, but with many innings yet to play, it's way to soon to declare the winners or losers.

Fly N Buy

Go to rehab or AA together - combined will power is limited.
Seek the resources you need if you're serious about stopping and staying stopped.

Ultimately being codependent doesn't mean co-successful but doesn't preclude the possibility.

Soberwolf

Good on you making a day 1 Jillian any plans to keep you sober ?

Jecrois2016

Hi Jillian,
You can start your day 1 today. Unfortunately, quitting isn't as easy as just saying it out loud. It takes a strong inner commitment to want to be better more than you want to drink. Of course you and your husband can encourage each other, but you are ultimately responsible for your stopping and he has to also have an inner commitment to stop himself. Maybe you both could take a few minutes and write up your plans for staying sober when slips or challenging, stressful situations arise? Make this more important than anything else. You can both do it! Happy New Year

Berrybean

I suspect that alcoholics who have managed to get sober and who have solid sobriety are far more likely to be able to help you than you are to help each other at the moment. Plenty of them to be found - both on here, and at local groups such as AA or SMART or similar.

You can choose to umm and ahh about whose fault it was; about why your AV piped up with 'get some beer'; or why his AV jumped on the opportunity to get him to take a drink, but it's a bit of a waste of mental energy to tie yourself in knots about it, when you could use that mental energy for the here and now of staying sober this time instead.

The serenity prayer that we use in AA reminds me all the time about boundaries and personal responsibility. My partner still drinks. And drinks HEAVILY, but I choose my own path - which is sobriety and recovery.

...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (in this case - your husbands decisions and his drinking),
the courage to change the things I can (in this case, your decisions and your drinking),
and the wisdom to know the difference.

SoberLife90

Try AA! There are many other people who have been where you have been and can help you stay sober. You don't have to do this alone!