So ashamed
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 204
Originally Posted by rahrah 
It's the lesser of two evils right Shanti...I'm gonna be in pain no matter what...when I'm sober the pain hurts only me...when I'm drinking the pain hurts everyone else....so if I'm picking the lesser of 2 evils.
Recoverer of Self
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 297
Originally Posted by least
Come here often and post instead of drinking. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
I did the same thing. Sneaking vodka and secretly drinking out of my hidden places. The 100 proof rot gut stuff.
I purposely bought it by the pint so I could sneak it in the house.
That was over 2 1/2 years ago.
You can do it.
I purposely bought it by the pint so I could sneak it in the house.
That was over 2 1/2 years ago.
You can do it.
Resident Awesome Guy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
I would encourage you to write a new list. Write down 5-10 goals you have in sobriety. I Promise you, a year from now when you reflect on all you were able to accomplish, you wont be sad and sober anymore, you will be sober and over-joyed! Lets do this and shut those damn AVs up!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Yup. All sounds familiar. I felt like such a loser at times. Some of my shining moments was my son telling me he drank from a water bottle that had vodka in it.
Going to my stash and finding a note wrapped around it with the number for AA. Written by my oldest.
I did everything drunk. I was drinking all day for a good while. Drinking and driving all the time. Heck, I was literally mixing drinks while driving on a daily basis.
I feel ya. Its a horrible feeling.
Making a good list like you mentioned is helpful. That list can power you through the early part of recovery.
As suggested above, make another list of what you want out of life. Who you want to be in the near future. You'll have two lists. One that details the past, and one that gives you vision of the future.
The list from the past will become less and less powerful or useful as you put some distance between now and the past. We tend to forget how painful some of those things were or how horrible they made us feel.
And ultimately, I've learned that's it's more powerful to focus on the positive. Like thinking about things I CAN do instead of things I can't (like drinking or getting high). Thinking "I want" instead of "I can't".
Your experience may have been the final straw. Hopefully you believe that you'll always be an addict. The only way to avoid absolute misery is to not drink. Simple. It's much easier than trying to moderate or trying to stop after one or two drinks. Much easier.
Always have a vision of the future and keep working towards that direction!
Going to my stash and finding a note wrapped around it with the number for AA. Written by my oldest.
I did everything drunk. I was drinking all day for a good while. Drinking and driving all the time. Heck, I was literally mixing drinks while driving on a daily basis.
I feel ya. Its a horrible feeling.
Making a good list like you mentioned is helpful. That list can power you through the early part of recovery.
As suggested above, make another list of what you want out of life. Who you want to be in the near future. You'll have two lists. One that details the past, and one that gives you vision of the future.
The list from the past will become less and less powerful or useful as you put some distance between now and the past. We tend to forget how painful some of those things were or how horrible they made us feel.
And ultimately, I've learned that's it's more powerful to focus on the positive. Like thinking about things I CAN do instead of things I can't (like drinking or getting high). Thinking "I want" instead of "I can't".
Your experience may have been the final straw. Hopefully you believe that you'll always be an addict. The only way to avoid absolute misery is to not drink. Simple. It's much easier than trying to moderate or trying to stop after one or two drinks. Much easier.
Always have a vision of the future and keep working towards that direction!
Brother of the Wolf
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Walking With Giants
Posts: 436
Yes, all of this rings true for me as well. When Iwas actively drinking before I went into supervised detox in 2012, I had vodka hidden everywhere. In my workshop, in the toolboxes in my car, in the pockets of coats in the closet, outside in an abandoned tire in a trash pile in a vacant lot behind my house, behind books on the bottom shelf of my nightstand, the list could go on until my ipad ran out of pixels... When I relapsed thos summer/fall, I didn't get to the point of hiding liquor, but I was definitely hiding my drinking. I had convinced myself that if I bought vodka on the way home and drank it and threw the bottle in the recycling at my apartment complex before my wife got home, it didn't count as hiding it. It wasn't until i hit my first week off of the bottle that it really registered in my mind that what I thought was just normal "in control" drinking was actually just a slightly different manifestation of my old alcoholic patterns. Lying to the people I love about my drinking is not so ething that I am particularly proud of, but thefact that I lied to myslf about it (and willingly bought the lies) was all I needed to put the bottle down and start aggressively working on my recovery again.
Speaking from experience, the pain and shame goes away once you begin to believe in yourself and your ability to be the person that you know you can be.
Speaking from experience, the pain and shame goes away once you begin to believe in yourself and your ability to be the person that you know you can be.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
I was a secret vodka drinker for a long time. After awhile it really wasn't much of a secret anymore.
It sounds like you are in much the same place. Alcoholism is progressive and it's not going to get any better as time goes on.
So what's your plan to get, and stay, sober? For me what finally worked was a daily dose of this website along with the face to face support of AA.
It sounds like you are in much the same place. Alcoholism is progressive and it's not going to get any better as time goes on.
So what's your plan to get, and stay, sober? For me what finally worked was a daily dose of this website along with the face to face support of AA.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Devon, UK
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by fantail
I was a secret drinker. I have nightmares about it all the time. I still get jumpy when someone passes me my purse or goes into a drawer. I have to remind myself there's nothing to find anymore.
Never again! Thank you everyone for your supportive comments. So good to know I am not alone. Going to work on a recovery plan. Not sure about AA as I tried this before and it didn't work for me, but I'll do whatever it takes.
Love the idea of putting together a list of the things I want to achieve this year too. Great advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Devon, UK
Posts: 59
Can't believe I thought I was the only person in the world gulping vodka in secret! Thank you everyone for sharing, makes me feel stronger.
Day 3 for me and had anxiety attack last night. Never had one before but the panic hit me big time. Managed to talk myself down and took a long hot bath to relax. Couldn't get to sleep until 2am though.
Hubby asked me if I wanted him to hide the bottle of Bourbon we have left over from christmas and I said yes please. I hate that stuff but I know my AV will drink anything.
Day 3 for me and had anxiety attack last night. Never had one before but the panic hit me big time. Managed to talk myself down and took a long hot bath to relax. Couldn't get to sleep until 2am though.
Hubby asked me if I wanted him to hide the bottle of Bourbon we have left over from christmas and I said yes please. I hate that stuff but I know my AV will drink anything.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Originally Posted by loopylou69
Struggling now. Kept myself busy all day but AV keeps popping up. Feeling down too, the constant internal argument is exhausting.
I found reading and these forums about this sickness kept my stick on the ice. Your AV is loosing control and will try anything while you are weak, at least mind did, just be mindful and congratulations, As a word of encouragement from experience it gets easier every day and we start to get our lives back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Devon, UK
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by ALinNS
It's not easy or at least in my case it was rough and that is an understatement.
I found reading and these forums about this sickness kept my stick on the ice. Your AV is loosing control and will try anything while you are weak, at least mind did, just be mindful and congratulations, As a word of encouragement from experience it gets easier every day and we start to get our lives back.
I found reading and these forums about this sickness kept my stick on the ice. Your AV is loosing control and will try anything while you are weak, at least mind did, just be mindful and congratulations, As a word of encouragement from experience it gets easier every day and we start to get our lives back.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
