Happy New Life!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Happy New Life!
With a few requests to tell ‘our story’ and how we got sober, and the questions of did you get sober on your first attempt etc.
Here goes:
Part of the difficulty in sharing what happened with me is that I held a high profile position. So I have to be vague about it.
When I got divorced around the year 2000 it really hit me hard. I started drinking quite heavily and one day I woke up smashed and late for work. I called in work and said I have a problem.
After rehab etc. I decided to ‘quit’ drinking for a year. When my year was up I started drinking again. I had no desire to ever stop. It was a lot easier quitting when it was just 'taking a break' knowing that when my time was up I could drink again. That is why I cringe when I now see people setting a "goal" of a year or whatever.
Fast forward to 2013. I had a random screening at work and it wasn’t “.000”.
I was removed – escorted – from my job site. It was barely enough bac to register, but it was enough for someone in my position to cause a huge stink. My last day of work was the week before xmas. Imagine showing up at home when you are supposed to be working and explain to your spouse why you are home. It was at that moment I made the decision that I was never going to allow alcohol to affect my life again. Yeah, I went to rehab – had to by order of work. Went to 90 meetings in 90 days – and more. Went to IOP. One day I got a call from ‘work’ telling me I was cleared to return to work and as of ‘now’ I am no longer being paid or anything. They couldn’t fire me while I was still “in treatment’ even though I still was. They decided I was cured and just basically told me to go away.
Here I am, no job, no income and in a panic. What am I going to do to survive?
Long story short, I am surviving. During that time I was going through my year of “firsts” without drinking. At times I just wanted to say eff it and get drunk. But I promised myself – no-one else – that I would never again allow alcohol to affect my life. I was not 90 days sober when I came across this site as I was researching alcohol issues and alternatives etc. It was around that time I discovered AVRT from one of the forums here. I did the ‘crash course’ and that was all I needed. It made perfect sense to me.
Don’t drink no matter what! Once I got over the physical addiction to drinking, the easy part, I had to conquer the mental addiction. That is the most difficult part. It is why so many fail after a month or more. Until I started working on myself as a person I never learned how to deal with life or express myself as an individual. It was something I never learned. Since I had my first drink from a cheap bottle of wine at the age of 14 I was hooked. I drank alcoholically from that day forward. While I spent time in rehab I did a serious review of my life. What I found amazing was that for almost 40 years, alcohol was a major factor of every part of my life. I can’t even recall how many times I was blackout drunk over the years. More than the average alcoholic I would guess. I have a good idea of how many relationships I ruined and lost over those years, and some I am probably not aware of. Or, the ones that could have been if I had not been a drunk. Anyway, the fact that I just decided to give up drinking led others to tell me that I wasn’t really an alcoholic. There was no way I could just decide to quit. My character defects were why I drank etc. They were wrong. I was an alcoholic from the very first time I drank as an innocent kid. In a sense, I was powerless. But that was because I surrendered to alcohol. The day I said I was never going to drink again, I became powerful. I was not going to let a group of people force me to put myself down or subjugate me to unfounded ideas about myself that were not true. I was not going to stand by while people told me I was a liar to my face. That I alone was the reason I drank. It was my fault? I don’t need to go into my family life or how I was “raised”. None of that matters. The combination of home life, and the overwhelming feeling I got when I drank was enough to allow me to go off on a tangential existence for the next forty years. I escaped reality.
As a young person I was accused of cheating and lying by my ‘adults’ because of my higher abilities and skills. I vowed at a young age I was never going to tell a lie after being accused of something I never did.
My integrity means more to me than anything. So I didn’t need to hear from people who knew nothing about me telling me I was a liar. And it was because I was a liar – a character defect – is the reason I was an alcoholic. I didn’t want what they had, that’s for sure.
I decided I was never going to drink again no matter what. That’s the bottom line.
In reality, this is my first ‘attempt’ at getting sober. And it will be my last. To be sure, quitting drinking is only the first step. Addressing the issues that have plagued me over the years is something I needed to go after as a separate issue. However you can accomplish the second part is up to you. If you feel you need to do ‘the steps’ have at it. Just don’t believe that you will forever be one day away from a drink if you stop. Drinking is a choice. Not drinking is a choice. Taking care of you as a human being is paramount. That includes physically, mentally AND emotionally. Many of us need outside help from professionals to deal with emotional scars. And sometimes it may involve medication and counseling.
Do not ever let anyone convince you that you are a lesser person if you need medicine or counseling to help you. Get yourself clean. Get the help you need. Many of us have been damaged from years of substance abuse, physically and mentally. In all of that time our emotional state has also regressed.
In the first few months and longer of sobriety you are healing. When it is all said and done, you are a whole new person. But only if you address the things you escaped from while you were drinking or using. Never forget that there are two parts to it. Get clean, then fix yourself.
I still have some fixing myself to do. The longer I am sober, the easier it is getting. It may take many years. We are cheating ourselves if we do not strive for continuous improvement.
Read about Mindfulness and learn how to practice it. It’s a good beginning to self-improvement.
Never go backwards.
The bottom line is, I went through a lot in the past couple years. A lot of doubt and struggle. Through all of it, I DID NOT CHOOSE TO DRINK.
Also, I was reading or posting on this forum EVERY day. In those times I was thinking I could maybe drink again someday, I would read a post from someone who tried it and failed. I would read about people still drinking at the end of their rope. Every time I read a story or post from someone new I could relate to it. As much as we try to think we are different, I was able to see that in a sense, we are all the same. I learned from others who tried it before me, some who have had many years of sobriety, that if I ever decide to drink again I will be right back where I started. I don't ever want to go through that again. I also avoided people, places, things as well.
Above all, there is only one solution. Never drink again and never change my mind.
Here goes:
Part of the difficulty in sharing what happened with me is that I held a high profile position. So I have to be vague about it.
When I got divorced around the year 2000 it really hit me hard. I started drinking quite heavily and one day I woke up smashed and late for work. I called in work and said I have a problem.
After rehab etc. I decided to ‘quit’ drinking for a year. When my year was up I started drinking again. I had no desire to ever stop. It was a lot easier quitting when it was just 'taking a break' knowing that when my time was up I could drink again. That is why I cringe when I now see people setting a "goal" of a year or whatever.
Fast forward to 2013. I had a random screening at work and it wasn’t “.000”.
I was removed – escorted – from my job site. It was barely enough bac to register, but it was enough for someone in my position to cause a huge stink. My last day of work was the week before xmas. Imagine showing up at home when you are supposed to be working and explain to your spouse why you are home. It was at that moment I made the decision that I was never going to allow alcohol to affect my life again. Yeah, I went to rehab – had to by order of work. Went to 90 meetings in 90 days – and more. Went to IOP. One day I got a call from ‘work’ telling me I was cleared to return to work and as of ‘now’ I am no longer being paid or anything. They couldn’t fire me while I was still “in treatment’ even though I still was. They decided I was cured and just basically told me to go away.
Here I am, no job, no income and in a panic. What am I going to do to survive?
Long story short, I am surviving. During that time I was going through my year of “firsts” without drinking. At times I just wanted to say eff it and get drunk. But I promised myself – no-one else – that I would never again allow alcohol to affect my life. I was not 90 days sober when I came across this site as I was researching alcohol issues and alternatives etc. It was around that time I discovered AVRT from one of the forums here. I did the ‘crash course’ and that was all I needed. It made perfect sense to me.
Don’t drink no matter what! Once I got over the physical addiction to drinking, the easy part, I had to conquer the mental addiction. That is the most difficult part. It is why so many fail after a month or more. Until I started working on myself as a person I never learned how to deal with life or express myself as an individual. It was something I never learned. Since I had my first drink from a cheap bottle of wine at the age of 14 I was hooked. I drank alcoholically from that day forward. While I spent time in rehab I did a serious review of my life. What I found amazing was that for almost 40 years, alcohol was a major factor of every part of my life. I can’t even recall how many times I was blackout drunk over the years. More than the average alcoholic I would guess. I have a good idea of how many relationships I ruined and lost over those years, and some I am probably not aware of. Or, the ones that could have been if I had not been a drunk. Anyway, the fact that I just decided to give up drinking led others to tell me that I wasn’t really an alcoholic. There was no way I could just decide to quit. My character defects were why I drank etc. They were wrong. I was an alcoholic from the very first time I drank as an innocent kid. In a sense, I was powerless. But that was because I surrendered to alcohol. The day I said I was never going to drink again, I became powerful. I was not going to let a group of people force me to put myself down or subjugate me to unfounded ideas about myself that were not true. I was not going to stand by while people told me I was a liar to my face. That I alone was the reason I drank. It was my fault? I don’t need to go into my family life or how I was “raised”. None of that matters. The combination of home life, and the overwhelming feeling I got when I drank was enough to allow me to go off on a tangential existence for the next forty years. I escaped reality.
As a young person I was accused of cheating and lying by my ‘adults’ because of my higher abilities and skills. I vowed at a young age I was never going to tell a lie after being accused of something I never did.
My integrity means more to me than anything. So I didn’t need to hear from people who knew nothing about me telling me I was a liar. And it was because I was a liar – a character defect – is the reason I was an alcoholic. I didn’t want what they had, that’s for sure.
I decided I was never going to drink again no matter what. That’s the bottom line.
In reality, this is my first ‘attempt’ at getting sober. And it will be my last. To be sure, quitting drinking is only the first step. Addressing the issues that have plagued me over the years is something I needed to go after as a separate issue. However you can accomplish the second part is up to you. If you feel you need to do ‘the steps’ have at it. Just don’t believe that you will forever be one day away from a drink if you stop. Drinking is a choice. Not drinking is a choice. Taking care of you as a human being is paramount. That includes physically, mentally AND emotionally. Many of us need outside help from professionals to deal with emotional scars. And sometimes it may involve medication and counseling.
Do not ever let anyone convince you that you are a lesser person if you need medicine or counseling to help you. Get yourself clean. Get the help you need. Many of us have been damaged from years of substance abuse, physically and mentally. In all of that time our emotional state has also regressed.
In the first few months and longer of sobriety you are healing. When it is all said and done, you are a whole new person. But only if you address the things you escaped from while you were drinking or using. Never forget that there are two parts to it. Get clean, then fix yourself.
I still have some fixing myself to do. The longer I am sober, the easier it is getting. It may take many years. We are cheating ourselves if we do not strive for continuous improvement.
Read about Mindfulness and learn how to practice it. It’s a good beginning to self-improvement.
Never go backwards.
The bottom line is, I went through a lot in the past couple years. A lot of doubt and struggle. Through all of it, I DID NOT CHOOSE TO DRINK.
Also, I was reading or posting on this forum EVERY day. In those times I was thinking I could maybe drink again someday, I would read a post from someone who tried it and failed. I would read about people still drinking at the end of their rope. Every time I read a story or post from someone new I could relate to it. As much as we try to think we are different, I was able to see that in a sense, we are all the same. I learned from others who tried it before me, some who have had many years of sobriety, that if I ever decide to drink again I will be right back where I started. I don't ever want to go through that again. I also avoided people, places, things as well.
Above all, there is only one solution. Never drink again and never change my mind.
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Awesome post and timely as well! Thank you for succinctly telling newcomers and old timers alike that we have the power inside of us to stop drinking forever.
AVRT has helped so many of us quit drinking and given us the ability to reclaim our lives!
Thanks for sharing your story, Brain. You continue to be a strong and insightful voice in this community.
AVRT has helped so many of us quit drinking and given us the ability to reclaim our lives!
Thanks for sharing your story, Brain. You continue to be a strong and insightful voice in this community.
thanks so much.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 120
Thankyou LBrain.
A very inspiring and well written post.
This time around I realise I need to do a lot more work on healing the scars etc inside me. Mindfulness yoga and exercise are 3 things that do help me a lot on my good days
A very inspiring and well written post.
This time around I realise I need to do a lot more work on healing the scars etc inside me. Mindfulness yoga and exercise are 3 things that do help me a lot on my good days
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Great post, LBrain! Your story and mine are pretty similar. As a kid I was "gifted" and very precocious. But due to an episode of sexual abuse when I was young I turned inward; it was a tough time. Booze helped me come out of my shell and be social. It was a mixed bag since I was kind of a control freak- hated being out of control but I had an excuse when I was drunk.
I love the way you put it- that you'll never let alcohol interfere with your life. Ultimately I simply got tired of feeling like I was a spectator in my own life, completely adrift and out of control. Alcohol was dictating all the terms of my life to me; what I could do, when, and what I couldn't do. Looking back it's incredible that I tolerated it for so long! Here's an example: One of my favorite things it camping and hiking. I was considering a really terrific three day trip that would have taken me through some beautiful scenery. But how on Earth could I carry enough wine with me to last three days? We're talking ten or twelve bottles, how could I manage and still take a sleeping bag, food, tools, etc? Naturally I decided it was impossible and cancelled the trip.
Booze ruined a lot of things in my life. Jobs, friendships and one marriage. But almost worse than the concrete tangible losses was the "opportunity costs", all the things that I could have done instead of living in a booze bottle for 25 years.
At least I can say that with the years I have left, alcohol will not get a chance to tell me what to do!
I love the way you put it- that you'll never let alcohol interfere with your life. Ultimately I simply got tired of feeling like I was a spectator in my own life, completely adrift and out of control. Alcohol was dictating all the terms of my life to me; what I could do, when, and what I couldn't do. Looking back it's incredible that I tolerated it for so long! Here's an example: One of my favorite things it camping and hiking. I was considering a really terrific three day trip that would have taken me through some beautiful scenery. But how on Earth could I carry enough wine with me to last three days? We're talking ten or twelve bottles, how could I manage and still take a sleeping bag, food, tools, etc? Naturally I decided it was impossible and cancelled the trip.
Booze ruined a lot of things in my life. Jobs, friendships and one marriage. But almost worse than the concrete tangible losses was the "opportunity costs", all the things that I could have done instead of living in a booze bottle for 25 years.
At least I can say that with the years I have left, alcohol will not get a chance to tell me what to do!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
thanks everyone. wow - as I was typing this post I just let it roll. Didn't realize it turned into a.........such a long post.
MOS, I didn't bring up much of my childhood and didn't need to. Many of us have demons we'd like to move on from.
Your comment on 'missed opportunities' resonates with me.
Oh, and I've already carried a back pack filled with beer and ice for quite a few miles...
I just saw a post soberwolf made linking to an article about cravings. It was eerily similar to my approach on sobriety - in a good way. Good article.
MOS, I didn't bring up much of my childhood and didn't need to. Many of us have demons we'd like to move on from.
Your comment on 'missed opportunities' resonates with me.
Oh, and I've already carried a back pack filled with beer and ice for quite a few miles...
I just saw a post soberwolf made linking to an article about cravings. It was eerily similar to my approach on sobriety - in a good way. Good article.
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