i wont go back to a functioning alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 14
i wont go back to a functioning alcoholic
Hi i am new hear and just need some advice as i feel like i am going mad with my thoughts lately...
I try to make this short.
met a fella 2 years ago he was full of life always the joker and alot of fun but every time we went out alcohol was always around in the early stages i said to him i dont think i have ever seen you with out a drink in your hand even when you come round to mine you always drink stella.. his reply was hey i work hard and it helps me relax hey dont be asking me to choose between you and a beer, because the beer will win, and he laughed and i laughed too but thinking back now i should have seen that as a red flag.
at the beginning it was fun i like to have a drink but he seemed to always have a drink every tie we went out for dinner we had to get cabs as he would never drive as he always said i am not driving i am gonna have a drink.
After 7 months the arguments started the drinking was every night 4 cans of stella and then on a friday and saturday that was it full session of drinking, he never drank on a sunday.
anyway we ended up splitting up and said to him i cant live like this your always drinking and bouncing off the walls, and sometimes after a hard days work i just wanted to chill out, i am sure half the time he would just drink to get a reaction from me because a few times i said to him please dont drink tonight, lets just chill together and then i would get home to see he had already done 3 cans and was on his way to merrytown.
he would say to me you always moan and which made me feel guilty.
we split up for 2 months and i did sit back and think maybe it is me, well he had said that if i had backed off about his drinking he wouldnt have drank as much as he doesnt like being told what to do .
so after him putting the guilt on me as if it was my problem not his we got back together.
I promised him i wouldnt mention the drink, but as soon i didnt mention it he got got worse, twice he went out with his mates and lost his phone cuts on his hands (which i could tell were were he had fallen over) his mate told me he basicly fell asleep in a supermarket car park and some passing strangers and to help him get into a cab.
always the day after the two events he was down and depressed and said to me i need help, i have been stupid and i am sorry he was crying etc and i said to him i would help him.
he agreed to cut down and limit his drinking, that lasted a week and then we was back to drinking a bottle of red in the fridge ! some nights other nights stella some nights both and of a weekend, he would get drunk.
i always said to him its like your chasing the buzz, to which he replied i dont have a drink problem i dont do drugs and i go to work every day stop making me think i do have one.
the attention stopped, i felt alone his mates and drink came first i tried talking to him it seemed to go in one ear out the other.
we had holidays booked so we went on them and he had to have a beer at the airport and that was like at 5am in morning !!! our holiday was all inclusive so he was in his prime drinking all day but never got to the stage of being out of control.
he was never aggressive or anything like that just got a little obnoxious and sometimes i do feel like he tried to press buttons to start arguments. looking back now i did bite a few times.
he said that nobody else every mentioned his drinking only me... but yet i am the longest relationship he has had longest he had was 6 months now i know why !!
he did turn up at mine once after being at the pub and he was over the limit which i couldn't believe he had drunk and drove and he told me that hadn't been the first time he had, which i was shocked about !
everything we do involves drink lifes one big party !!!!!
if he doesn't drink he gets moody withdrawn and i notice he cant sleep and has nightmares.
dont get me wrong a few times he did go a few days or 5 days without a drink but rare.
sex stopped and i started to feel depressed stuck is the term i didnt want to stop him drinking i just wanted him to see what i could see was happening but he couldnt.
we have been split up now 2 months and i have been told his out drinking all weekend i dont think his ever going to change and i feel like i have found me again now.
as i did feel like i was babysitting him and i could never relax totally if that makes sense.
since being split up i have looked alot into drinking and functioning alcoholics and the way they are and how they make you feel and its like i am reading my own story, because he works monday to friday but come 3/4 oclock he will start drinking.
he did contact me once a few weeks ago while he was drunk telling me he loved me etc next day i asked him not to contact me anymore while his been drinking, which he hasn't.
it was always hard because he made me feel like i was nagging and trying to control him when i wasnt, but i realise now as much as i love him he loves drink more and i cant compare to that.
it will always be his way or no way, and i was always so worried about saying anything that my life and happiness was put on hold.
why did he always try and make everything my fault, nothing was ever his ??
he would pick out my faults never his ??
everything was always everybody else fault in his life
now 2016 will be about me
I try to make this short.
met a fella 2 years ago he was full of life always the joker and alot of fun but every time we went out alcohol was always around in the early stages i said to him i dont think i have ever seen you with out a drink in your hand even when you come round to mine you always drink stella.. his reply was hey i work hard and it helps me relax hey dont be asking me to choose between you and a beer, because the beer will win, and he laughed and i laughed too but thinking back now i should have seen that as a red flag.
at the beginning it was fun i like to have a drink but he seemed to always have a drink every tie we went out for dinner we had to get cabs as he would never drive as he always said i am not driving i am gonna have a drink.
After 7 months the arguments started the drinking was every night 4 cans of stella and then on a friday and saturday that was it full session of drinking, he never drank on a sunday.
anyway we ended up splitting up and said to him i cant live like this your always drinking and bouncing off the walls, and sometimes after a hard days work i just wanted to chill out, i am sure half the time he would just drink to get a reaction from me because a few times i said to him please dont drink tonight, lets just chill together and then i would get home to see he had already done 3 cans and was on his way to merrytown.
he would say to me you always moan and which made me feel guilty.
we split up for 2 months and i did sit back and think maybe it is me, well he had said that if i had backed off about his drinking he wouldnt have drank as much as he doesnt like being told what to do .
so after him putting the guilt on me as if it was my problem not his we got back together.
I promised him i wouldnt mention the drink, but as soon i didnt mention it he got got worse, twice he went out with his mates and lost his phone cuts on his hands (which i could tell were were he had fallen over) his mate told me he basicly fell asleep in a supermarket car park and some passing strangers and to help him get into a cab.
always the day after the two events he was down and depressed and said to me i need help, i have been stupid and i am sorry he was crying etc and i said to him i would help him.
he agreed to cut down and limit his drinking, that lasted a week and then we was back to drinking a bottle of red in the fridge ! some nights other nights stella some nights both and of a weekend, he would get drunk.
i always said to him its like your chasing the buzz, to which he replied i dont have a drink problem i dont do drugs and i go to work every day stop making me think i do have one.
the attention stopped, i felt alone his mates and drink came first i tried talking to him it seemed to go in one ear out the other.
we had holidays booked so we went on them and he had to have a beer at the airport and that was like at 5am in morning !!! our holiday was all inclusive so he was in his prime drinking all day but never got to the stage of being out of control.
he was never aggressive or anything like that just got a little obnoxious and sometimes i do feel like he tried to press buttons to start arguments. looking back now i did bite a few times.
he said that nobody else every mentioned his drinking only me... but yet i am the longest relationship he has had longest he had was 6 months now i know why !!
he did turn up at mine once after being at the pub and he was over the limit which i couldn't believe he had drunk and drove and he told me that hadn't been the first time he had, which i was shocked about !
everything we do involves drink lifes one big party !!!!!
if he doesn't drink he gets moody withdrawn and i notice he cant sleep and has nightmares.
dont get me wrong a few times he did go a few days or 5 days without a drink but rare.
sex stopped and i started to feel depressed stuck is the term i didnt want to stop him drinking i just wanted him to see what i could see was happening but he couldnt.
we have been split up now 2 months and i have been told his out drinking all weekend i dont think his ever going to change and i feel like i have found me again now.
as i did feel like i was babysitting him and i could never relax totally if that makes sense.
since being split up i have looked alot into drinking and functioning alcoholics and the way they are and how they make you feel and its like i am reading my own story, because he works monday to friday but come 3/4 oclock he will start drinking.
he did contact me once a few weeks ago while he was drunk telling me he loved me etc next day i asked him not to contact me anymore while his been drinking, which he hasn't.
it was always hard because he made me feel like i was nagging and trying to control him when i wasnt, but i realise now as much as i love him he loves drink more and i cant compare to that.
it will always be his way or no way, and i was always so worried about saying anything that my life and happiness was put on hold.
why did he always try and make everything my fault, nothing was ever his ??
he would pick out my faults never his ??
everything was always everybody else fault in his life
now 2016 will be about me
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
why did he always try and make everything my fault, nothing was ever his ??
he would pick out my faults never his ??
everything was always everybody else fault in his life
now 2016 will be about me
Denial and not being capable of envisioning life without alcohol was common when I engaged in active alcoholism. Drinking is not an unusual activity for alcoholics. Treating others with love and kindness, changing bad behaviors including lying and manipulation are typical behaviors.
Sounds like you were held hostage long enough - thanks for the post and welcome to SR and a new outlook in 2016.
Feel free to also check out friends and family section of the forum as well.
Thanks for the thread
he would pick out my faults never his ??
everything was always everybody else fault in his life
now 2016 will be about me
Denial and not being capable of envisioning life without alcohol was common when I engaged in active alcoholism. Drinking is not an unusual activity for alcoholics. Treating others with love and kindness, changing bad behaviors including lying and manipulation are typical behaviors.
Sounds like you were held hostage long enough - thanks for the post and welcome to SR and a new outlook in 2016.
Feel free to also check out friends and family section of the forum as well.
Thanks for the thread
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 14
No at first i thought he did , but after a while the demons started to show and even though i knew there was a problem with him drinking,
he somehow turned it around so that i felt guilty about bringing anything up about him and the reason we broke up, he turned it around to all me and what i had to change !
At first i was heartbroken because we did have some great times and good memories... and i always questioned was i right about his drink habits.
after looking at forums and other peoples experiences, it seems i was right and i am better off breaking away now, as his only 33 ! i dread to think what he will be like at 50 or even 60
he somehow turned it around so that i felt guilty about bringing anything up about him and the reason we broke up, he turned it around to all me and what i had to change !
At first i was heartbroken because we did have some great times and good memories... and i always questioned was i right about his drink habits.
after looking at forums and other peoples experiences, it seems i was right and i am better off breaking away now, as his only 33 ! i dread to think what he will be like at 50 or even 60
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
good choice looking out for YOU and for setting and honoring boundaries about not going back.
oh.... also - never mind why he always made it your fault. You can never really know the answer to that question. That's his dysfunction, not yourse.
And also....
IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT.
Welcome.
oh.... also - never mind why he always made it your fault. You can never really know the answer to that question. That's his dysfunction, not yourse.
And also....
IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT.
Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Tinks!! 
In my opinion, you're better off out of this relationship, it doesn't sound like you were getting much out of it and always coming second best to alcohol.
Look forward and go out there and get someone who cares as equally about you as you do about them, a real slice of happiness that you deserve!!
In my opinion, you're better off out of this relationship, it doesn't sound like you were getting much out of it and always coming second best to alcohol.
Look forward and go out there and get someone who cares as equally about you as you do about them, a real slice of happiness that you deserve!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
You dodged a bullet. He may be the nicest man in the world but you deserve a partner that is not embroiled in active addiction. The addiction will always come first.
Glad you got out early while you could. You can't save him, only he can do that. there is no telling if he will get sober or not, some do but a lot don't.
I'm sure it was difficult but you did good
Glad you got out early while you could. You can't save him, only he can do that. there is no telling if he will get sober or not, some do but a lot don't.
I'm sure it was difficult but you did good
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 14
hi thankyou i should've of seen the early signs but when you love someone. you think there change.
he used to say if you didnt moan at me i wouldnt drink as much, so i stopped moaning he got worse..
i think aswell it was this 1 time, when i was then going out to the shop and said to him do you want me to get you a bottle or wine, and he walked off to my electric cuboard ! and pulled out an empty bottle of red i was like what it that !! he replied oh i liked this wine so i saved the bottle so i would remember the name who does that !!!! keeps an empty bottle hidden , i thought to myself this is not good.
he use to put red wine in the fridge and i never understood that it was never in there long as he would drink it like water he can drink anything there is no spirit he doesnt like.
my anger and my resentment towards him started to really show as when we both use to go out for a drink we would argue and once it got that bad we were in each others faces, and his friends had to stand between us but looking back at that night he started that argument ! and was trying to make me look the bad one ..
I was so unhappy and in tears i couldnt do it anymore emotionally i felt drained fed up of his always feel sorry for me, our conversations were always about him never how i feel...
yes he was a lovely person at the beginning, but finding out your partner has a drink problem then he also is part of a football hooligan firm was a huge red flag for me to get the hell out of there and quick !!!!!
football alcohol and mates i stood no chance no girl ever will..
He suffers with memory blackouts sometimes, for 2 years his been bleeding and says doctor said it was piles i dont think it is.
he also urinated blood once.
he wont eat sometimes so he can feel the effect of the alcohol quicker... and
he gets alot of acid and heartburn at 33 nearly 34 his body is not good he has an illness and cant and wont see it .
his happy now his single he can do what he wants to do and thats drink..
yes i feel sorry for him but get back with him NO NEVER his on self destruct anything that man gets in his life he will ruin because of his illness and his needs MISS ALCOHOL
he used to say if you didnt moan at me i wouldnt drink as much, so i stopped moaning he got worse..
i think aswell it was this 1 time, when i was then going out to the shop and said to him do you want me to get you a bottle or wine, and he walked off to my electric cuboard ! and pulled out an empty bottle of red i was like what it that !! he replied oh i liked this wine so i saved the bottle so i would remember the name who does that !!!! keeps an empty bottle hidden , i thought to myself this is not good.
he use to put red wine in the fridge and i never understood that it was never in there long as he would drink it like water he can drink anything there is no spirit he doesnt like.
my anger and my resentment towards him started to really show as when we both use to go out for a drink we would argue and once it got that bad we were in each others faces, and his friends had to stand between us but looking back at that night he started that argument ! and was trying to make me look the bad one ..
I was so unhappy and in tears i couldnt do it anymore emotionally i felt drained fed up of his always feel sorry for me, our conversations were always about him never how i feel...
yes he was a lovely person at the beginning, but finding out your partner has a drink problem then he also is part of a football hooligan firm was a huge red flag for me to get the hell out of there and quick !!!!!
football alcohol and mates i stood no chance no girl ever will..
He suffers with memory blackouts sometimes, for 2 years his been bleeding and says doctor said it was piles i dont think it is.
he also urinated blood once.
he wont eat sometimes so he can feel the effect of the alcohol quicker... and
he gets alot of acid and heartburn at 33 nearly 34 his body is not good he has an illness and cant and wont see it .
his happy now his single he can do what he wants to do and thats drink..
yes i feel sorry for him but get back with him NO NEVER his on self destruct anything that man gets in his life he will ruin because of his illness and his needs MISS ALCOHOL
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
You did the right thing. Get away from him as fast as you can. He's showing some signs of a sever alcohol problem. And he doesn't seem like he's ready to address those.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Ah yes, the FUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLIC, kinda like a UNICORN.
The only difference is that unicorns are always unicorns. Functional Alcoholics eventually drop the 'functional' from their descriptor.
That mythological creature you know and love eventually morphs into someone you don't recognize. And then they become a real creature.
I was at one time one of those mythological creatures. And I don't mean a unicorn.
The only difference is that unicorns are always unicorns. Functional Alcoholics eventually drop the 'functional' from their descriptor.
That mythological creature you know and love eventually morphs into someone you don't recognize. And then they become a real creature.
I was at one time one of those mythological creatures. And I don't mean a unicorn.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 14
yeah i am glad i am away from him even writing it down i look at it all and think wtf was i doing with him..
this is therapy in itself just writing this all down on here ....
yes functioning he is at the moment.... and slowly killing himself.
LBrain i am glad your not a unicorn lol and yes he is someone now i dont recognize.
this is therapy in itself just writing this all down on here ....
yes functioning he is at the moment.... and slowly killing himself.
LBrain i am glad your not a unicorn lol and yes he is someone now i dont recognize.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,584
You did the right thing. You are only 33 and rightly say that that this could still be happening into your 50's. He has no insight into his problem and this could well be true. Dead on the cards. It takes time to gain insight, often years. As per an earlier post you have dodged a bullet. Hope you meet a good fella. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 166
You have no responsibility in his drinking. Almost all of the things I read sounded a lot like the justifications we use to be alcoholics. He has the problem, not you. Don't own it. I really hope he comes around to his state and gets help but you need to look out for you. I know its painful watching someone self destruct. I hate myself sometimes for what I must have put my loved ones through. Just take care of yourself, you cant make him stop drinking. Sending you hope. John
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 64
Tinks
You did the right thing by ending it and moving on. I was exactly like him in a relationship-12 years ago!!! It's only now that I'm committed to changing. My point is that you can't want it for him, he has to want it for himself and he's verbally told you that the drink comes first. Listen to what he told you!
Move on and find a partner who puts you first.
You did the right thing by ending it and moving on. I was exactly like him in a relationship-12 years ago!!! It's only now that I'm committed to changing. My point is that you can't want it for him, he has to want it for himself and he's verbally told you that the drink comes first. Listen to what he told you!
Move on and find a partner who puts you first.
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