BrighterDayz

It sounds like you need some real help to overcome these feelings. You should be commended for staying clean, especially when you are feeling so down. I hope that you can get the help you need and deserve to pull yourself back up.

teatreeoil007

Amen! Staying clean despite all that's going on right now and how you feel is an amazing thing. Many folks would have caved by now.

I don't want to be pushy, but I do want to bring something forward that you've expressed: not feeling needed (by those you love the most) by your children. Maybe you are the kind of person who needs to be needed and that gives you a purpose and reason live....You may not be able to 'fix' what's going on with your kids right now, but that doesn't mean you cannot fix what's going on with you;perhaps there are some steps you could take that would lead you to finding a purpose in your life. Maybe there is something you would ENJOY doing and you could work toward that goal.

For awhile now, the "enjoyment" center of your brain has been activated and fed by drugs. You've got some good clean time and that's great because your brain has changed for the good and you can explore other ways to get some enjoyment out of life instead of getting high.

Shining~Again

I guess I'd ask you back "what would help you/seem like a feel good thing right now?"

You don't need to answer that here on this thread.

I just know when I felt totally stuck, I could nearly always think of something that would help. I am extremely private and a loner but found in reaching out helped me.

Other times, it's something like watching a really scary movie.

And other times, it was walking through a department store.
Another time it was going into the attic, sitting in the middle of a bunch of stuff from "my old life" and sorting things out.

I can relate to the "what do I do now".

I hope you don't take off for months again.

suicideseason

I dont know what I like. I dont know anything about me. I get the fix thing, maybe sounds good.

suicideseason

Ive been recomended to a therapist which i cant afford but I have experience in talking to people who dont or cant understand, and it hinders more than helps.

Sean30

This is a journey you're on ss, despite all the mess in your head the fact you haven't used is a huge credit to you, even if you don't want to admit it.
I think if you can find someone you're comfortable opening up to (even on SR) you will be surprised that getting all the mess out of your head and talking it out can be hugely beneficial. I have found having a therapist great, despite being very apprehensive at first.
Good luck mate

teatreeoil007

One good thing about this board is you can go on back through your posts and read about yourself. Living WITHOUT drugs is like living with a whole new you. So, it doesn't surprise me a whole lot if you feel bewildered and not sure just who you are. That doesn't have to stop you from discovering and finding out about yourself, the REAL you.

suicideseason

Thanks. My end goal would be full freaking custody of my kids. Realistically is just to be able to enjoy something, or to be able to trust someone. Im unsure I'll ever really have my kids in my life. I cant handle the stress of talking about visits, getting another lawyer to fight for custody after the lawyer i paid 4 grand for quit and didnt say a god damn word. My 8 felonies which got dropped were easier to deal with.

teatreeoil007

You love your kids!! Where you're at right now doesn't have to be the end of the story... You can still see your kids... It's really hard right now... But that doesn't change your love... They re young yet... Still time to get to know them and them to know you!! Meanwhile keep on living clean... Can't go wrong staying clean...

suicideseason

Yea live clean. I havent seen my daughter since she was 1 shes 2 now. 40 minute visit every 2 weeks for my son doesnt really establish a relationship with well, practically anyone or anything. Hes a loving boy fortunately. For about 5 minutes he only wants something to do with me otherwise he goes to his momma which i cant blame and she just sits on her phone the whole time.

lisatryingagain

SS where you live are you able to get any free legal advice into the situation with your son?

And this might seem a bit obscure but have you tried taking a balloon into the visits with your son to play with him? or bubbles? Kids that age seem to love balloons and bubbles? Something that can really engage him so he doesn't wander back to the other person in the room and so you can have more quality time together?

Hope you are feeling ok.

teatreeoil007

I think if I were you I would feel torn to shreds inside and ripped apart. But, suicide is not the answer. I'm guessing you are still pretty young yet. The fact that you started on the clean path at such a young age is something many of us wish we could say for ourselves. I look back on some of my stupidity over the years and wish I could have a 'do over' sometimes. I've never been truly suicidal, but I've had days that I felt I've wasted so much and wondered why I was so stupid to be so wasteful. I can't get that time back. I've grieved over that and tried to move forward. But living in regret just makes me feel depressed & the only one that can seem to roust me out of bed in the morning is my dog. There are still days where I feel a bit "stuck": can't seem to move forward and definitely can't go backward, so then I HAVE to go forward, because I can't stop TIME anyways.

suicideseason

I had a lawyer but he quit. Im not in a position to really push for anything yet, so Im going to wait til Im working and have a real place before i push. I know legally I can have my daughter every other weekend. I can have my daughter a whole week a month. But I am just in no position to push anything, and legally I should get my son 6 hours a week. Plus their mom has a protection order on me, she brings him over. I had someone look im not sure I havent seen myself but her coming over doesnt break the protection order but i think if i held onto him for a longer visit she could just call the cops if I **** her off and Ill get arrested.