Lovingfiance351

Well where to begin, my fiance and I have a 16 month old son. We have been engaged about two years and dating for 4. Early this December she tried to take her life by taking pills and drinking heavily. Called for an ambulance and police arrived. She was admitted to the hospital and while there she admitted she had a problem with alcohol and wanted help. (I'm giving the short version of this). So she was checked into a recovery and rehab center and just got out on the 22nd. All contact we had while she was in was very brief and somewhat cold(my brother is a recovering addict as well so I know how this goes). We finally had a long conversation and she says she wants to move back into her moms while she betters herself but essentially put our relationship on hold for the time being. Today Christmas I even helped her pick up a few things and bring them back to her mothers house. I love this woman with all my heart and am doing my best to respect what she needs. It hurt though. I became proactive a week or so ago and started to attend AA meetings for two reasons, 1) to learn how to live a sober life and better myself and 2) to support her when and if she needs it. I will continue to go as I have realized I do have a problem alibiet not as bad as her. I understand and addict is an addict and I have come to terms with myself with that and will work on me while she works on her. I guess my question is, is this type of behavior normal. To just put everything on hold between us and just move back with her mother? I have not had a drink since dec 5 when this blew up and I am committed to her and our son. I want us to be a family and a happy and healthy one. Will she come back or will she move on? She says she still loves me but when asked if we are still engaged she said she is not ready to go there yet. I dunno. I feel as if I have to put my life on hold for her with the possibility of her not ever coming home.n it truly hurts and I can't fully open up with her because she says she is not there yet. Any advice would be helpful and thank you

Lovingfiance351

We have been up until this attached at the hip. I am willing to do anything to make this family whole again

Mountainmanbob

Congratulations on your sobriety.

Pull back and give her plenty of time and space as you both work on your Programs.

Usually the bird comes back if the cage has an open door. But, not if they feel locked in.
MB

maia1234

LF,
From my opinion I think its great. You don't see it, but I do. People who are trying to proceed with their sobriety need to start taking care of them selves and making changes. This is a change. They tell you in AA to step away from a relationship so you can work on yourselves.

Most people who get out of rehab, go back to doing the same thing they have always done. Please don't take it personally, this is what she needs to get her head on straight. Give her as much time as she needs. Back off and tell her you will be there when she needs you. Then cut contact. Let her want to reach out to you. I know this will hurt, but with you hitting alanon meetings and understanding addiction you will see why. We enablers help our addicts, to stay addicts. If we walk away and let them suffer the consequences of their actions, they will understand. We can not "love" their addiction away.

Let her find her way, leave her alone, work your program. Remember "It isn't your job to reward her for her sobriety or punish her for drunkenness." Do your homework on you, not her.
Hugs my friend, and be happy she is trying to take control of her life.

Lovingfiance351

That all makes sense. But we have a son who needs his mom and dad. its important we show him we love home. I mean she came to my parents last night for dinner and she felt cold towards me. I brought the little guy over to her moms today and spent a good portion of the day there. When he napped we went to our place and she got some essentials so she can go to work and such. So cutting everything off isn't in the cards. I've told her I'm here for her and one of her concerns was falling back into the same pattern. Which I am fully committed and engaged into not going backwards. So I guess I won't engage first in the day?
She really is my soulmate and I understand she has to go to her own meetings and develop her own support group where I am not involved. Fine with it. We did agree to go to couples counseling once she gets further down the road. Just not used to her being here at night and feel very lonely when she has the baby. This is all normal behavior?

Lovingfiance351

Thank you for the kind words guys. Was hoping for a better Christmas but take what we can get right?

maia1234

Lf,
She is working on her addiction, you need to work on yours (her). You need to read and educate hourself. If you don't learn, nothing will change, you will enabler back to her drug of choice.

I understand you miss your baby and her. I just divorced my axh after 34 years together, 26 married. You are preaching to the wrong crowd. I know all about missing my addict. But I never reached out for support after 10 years or 20 years. I kept doing the same thing and expecting different answers. It will Never work. Let her figure it out on her own. She needs to talk to people who understand her, you dont. I read on sr that an addict would walk over a dead body for a drink. I would never understand that.

Addiction is powerful and controlling. She is not going to be happy and loving, she is withdrawing from drugs. Go to new to recovery forum and read about all the symptoms they go through, its hell. She shouldn't have to explain to you, let her talk to someone who comprehends and understands.

If you want this to work, work on you, stop feelin sorry that u are alone. You don't want to be like me who wasted 34 years with an addict, and he is still drinking to day. Keep reading and asking questions, you will get it.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Lovingfiance351

I've never been in rehab but I remember when I got sober it seemed like I needed all my effort to stay sober. I was terrified of drinking again - I'd run to the very edge of the cliff, and was hanging on by my curling toes....

I'm sorry for the pain it's causing you, and especially your son, tho.

While no one here can give you any guarantees about whether she'll come back or not, the fact you've been together for a long time and have a child together has to count for something, I think?

In the meantime I think it's great you're looking at your own drinking issues, and being the very best parent you can to your boy.

I really hope it works out for you, but in the meantime, please do use the support here

D

Maffers

I have been to rehab, and yes it's a life changing thing. First foremost she has to focus on her recovery, that comes first. I would check into the rehab she went into and see if they have a family program, most of them do. It would be highly beneficial for you so you can wrap your head around what she is going through. I know the rehab I went through offers this free of charge to family members/significant others. While right now it seems like a sudden change of heart on her end, it possibly is in the best interest for her, and your mutual child in the long run. Remember the rehab didn't 'fix' her it just gave her the tools needed for the first step of recovery.

Mags1

Hi Lovingfiance351, a lot of sound advice above.

Perhaps not all that you want to here but if you read some of the posts on family and friends of alcoholics also, you may be able to relate to someone's experience.

You sound very loving and want what's best for your fiancé and baby. Difficult though it is for you, give her space, she knows she can come to you so take time for yourself and read all you can about this terrible addiction.

Lovingfiance351

Thank you for all of your help. I have been reading about addiction and how it effects your brain and thoughts. I am on board with her taking time to find herself and her support she needs. I guess I am being selfish because if thee was a problem in the past she could lean on me and I would help her get through it. I've realized I can't help her with this and she needs to do it on her own. Tough pill to swallow if you ask me. In the meantime I have parental rights because cps was involved. They need a safe plan in place which we are working on. Therapists, her outpatient program and finally couples therapy. All of which will help us in the long run. I've never really had an addictive personality myself. When I had my back surgery 4 years ago. I was givin every pain killer known to man. Was on it for 6 months. 2 weeks after surgery I quit cold turkey and it let to a withdrawal That took everything out of me. But I knew it was for the best. Looking back at that I'm beginning to see what you all are saying. I didn't want to be around anyone and just wanted to better myself and get out of the rut. Until now I truly forgot what that felt like and looking into what she is going through its probably the same thing. I was just as cold to her then as she is to me now and she gave me space and we worked through it. Sometimes you just need to hear it from another perspective which is what you are all giving me here. And from the bottom of my heart thank you.

PurpleKnight

Early Sobriety can be a chaotic time, as the body adjusts away from alcohol it has to adjust not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally too.

I remember having very little energy to do much else other than go to work, come home and crash, Sobriety was the only thing I could focus on and that's were all my energy went, so it's not surprising she want's to keep life simple and focus on Sobriety for now, because it is a tough thing to do, to break a genuine addiction after years.

However at some point things will change, as Sobriety becomes more and more of a routine, less energy is needed, as the body heals there's more hope, optimism, and eventually she will want to look at all the other areas in her life.

You'll find loads of support here on SR though for yourself, and that's important too!!

Fly N Buy

Glad you're here - it's important that we work on ourselves and let others do the same. Regardless of how much we want someone to be different it is an illusion to think we can make them change.

In my experience though, over time - loved ones seeing me changing fosters reflection in themselves as well.

I try to remember love is action and not simply a thought......

Thanks for the post!

Lovingfiance351

Headed to an al-anon meeting to vent and hear what others have to say. Need to learn to wrap my head around this. She dropped the baby off today and asked what was bugging me. Obviously I told her my heart hurt. She said she had to go and it was giving her anxiety. Only thing I can do is just speak to others for sound advice. I'm not in her head. Just work on me

Lovingfiance351

She really enjoys making my life a living hell.

Soberwolf

Saskia

I understand your hurt and frustration. I doubt that she is doing this consciously. She needs her focus right now and you need yours. Best to you both!

Berrybean

I'm not sure that asking whether something is 'normal' is ever going to be helpful to be honest. She has, from the sounds of it, been extremely frank about what she needs and what she is doing. Normal or not, this is the situation. You can rally against it, and umm and ahh about whether it is normal, or the best thing or whatever. But if that's how it is regardless, why use all that energy and head-space on what she has decided to do? I'd suggest using the energy and head-space on your own recovery. I'd also suggest ensuring that you aren't going to the same meetings as her (not all the time anyway) as this could hinder both of your growth, and make her feel that you're doing this only to keep tabs on her.

Someone said in one of the posts above that you might work on your addiction to HER. I think that sounds quite wise. AlAnon or CoDa might well be worth investigating for your own recovery. In the meantime, pray for the serenity to accept the things you can't change (other people / her / what has happened); the courage to change the things you can (work on your own recovery); and the wisdom to know the difference (that, I think, is the hardest part. That's where your Higher Power, a good sponsor and the phone numbers of others from AlAnon and AA and using this forum to brainstorm with people on here will help you, if you let it, and ask for help when you need it.).

Wishing you well in your recovery journey, through acceptance and trust, to joy, peace and serenity.

PS It might also be worth investigating the Friends and Family area for feedback and support about how best to support your partner. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

Lovingfiance351

well here it is...

she met a new guy in the rooms.....and has been dating him for close to two months now. i apparently drove her away by not giving her time and space. to be honest it looks like she was looking for someone new.

he has a history of drug abuse and now our son is at risk with all of this.

after CPS wrapped up their investigation she went and filed for custody immediately . betrayed and heartbroken i had to counter file and let it all out of the bag.

i had the opportunity to get temp custody when she went to rehab but didnt because i wanted to keep our family together.

its just plain awful
her new relationship i am sure her sponsor doesnt know and she is not being truthful about it.

i am 108 days clean as of today and with all this stress and heartache i have not picked up a drink


i have that going for me.


one day she will regret spillting up our family

phoebe64

I am so sorry for your pain, but it is great that you are dealing with this sober. The best you can do is stay sober and be the best father that you can be. Sounds like your child needs that.